Forbidden Kiss

Chapter 2 – Confused

Zeke’s POV

I excused myself to go to the loo, I just needed a minute. I gave myself a bloody good talking too, I was in church for Christs Sake. Okay, wrong phrase to use. But seriously, what is wrong with me! I splashed my face with cool water and walked back to my seat as Father Michael wrapped up the service.

I was grateful it was over and was itching to leave, but as per usual, Dad started several conversations with the parishioners and Mum was mingling with the wives. It was all so kitsch. You would have thought you had travelled back in time if you walked in on this scene.

Tabitha was chatting to some of the girls from her class and Gabriel was standing loitering by the refreshments table, gorging on biscuits that Mrs. Jenkins kept handing to him. I was glad when we were finally ready to leave.

As we walked back to our 3-bedroom detached red brick house, in the cul de sac i had grown up in, in this small, quiet, non descipt, backward town, all talk was on the service we had just left. I didn’t hate the idea of religion, nor did I feel it was irrelevant, I did however find myself confused about many of the ideals my parents believed in.

I managed to nod and agree in all the right places without seeming completely uninterested and made my way to the solace of my room. Only it wasn’t a solace, nor was it entirely my room.

 I wished Gabriel had been a girl. If he had been, I would have my own room. As it was, I was stuck sharing with him. It was painful at times. He could be incredibly irritating when he wanted to be.

I climbed the stairs with Gabe hot on my tail. Yep, Gabreil, like me, preferred his name shortened, but unlike me he wasn’t stupid enough to expect our parents or any adult in this town associated with them, to do so.

We had a single bed each either side of a window on the back wall. There was chest of draws we shared, under the window and a single wardrobe, also shared at the bottom of my bed on the right, the door to the left.

We entered our room, and both landed on our beds. Our room wasn’t small, but it barely accommodated two growing teens. I lay on my back, legs crossed and hands behind my head looking up at the ceiling.

I literally could not wait to move out. That being said, this was easier said than done. My parents had a way of keeping the realms of possibility at arm’s length, and adult or not, I had a feeling moving out was not going to be that easy.

‘So, hot cheeks, what fine piece of ass were you lusting after during church today?’

I almost choked on my own spit ‘What?’

‘You heard, Jesus Zeke, have you learnt no self-control man. You need to reign that s**t in or there is no way you are gonna make it alive until the end of the year! No one wants Dad’s chastity speech again…. And I swear to God Almighty Himself, if you make him sit us down again to hear it, I will personally murder you in your sleep’

‘f**k Gabe, shut up, I was just hot. It’s stuffy in there. Dad is NOT repeating that speech to me again, I can assure you!’

‘Yeah, you better hope your sweet ass he doesn’t. Only you seem to be the one ‘’unable to control your desires’’ He laughed as he air quoted and deepened his voice at the last part.

‘Bullshit, you have the least control of all three of us, if they ever find out what you get up too, you are as good as dead!’

‘True, but they won’t find out… I am too good’ he winked and chuckled to himself as he lay back on his bed and mimicked my position.

Gabe and I were actually quite close. We bickered and he annoyed the hell out of me, he was constantly taking the piss when Mum and Dad weren’t around, but all that aside, we had good banter and I could talk to him, about most things.

When I found out about his late-night shenanigans, and his wayward ways, I made him promise me he was being careful, considerate, and not a complete prick. He promised me he was being smart and staying safe, so I kept his secret.

I think for a long time he expected me to spill, but I never did. Mainly because it was good to have him on side, and well, if I had thought of it myself at that age, I would have done it myself. He was a clever kid and thought outside the box.

We had a newfound respect for each other after that. We rarely spoke in detail about our personal s**t, but every now and again one or the other would ask.

‘So, who is she then?’

‘Who is who?’ I genuinely had no idea what he was talking about.

‘The mystery babe of your desires’ he smirked.

‘Gabe, seriously, you have the wrong idea, I was just too hot!’

‘Look, Zeke, jokes aside, I can help. Mum and Dad can’t seriously expect you not to date girls before marriage how would that even work!’

I laughed ‘Dude, I know how to talk to girls, are you forgetting Hannah?’

‘She hardly counts, she’s been you best mate since forever, she’s more guy than girl’

‘Is not, don’t be a d**k. If I wanted to date, I would! It’s not like I don’t get the opportunity. Besides, I’ve had girlfriends’

‘Have not – Who?’

‘Ann-Marie’

Gabe scoffed ‘Ann-Marie? Since when!’

‘I dunno, a while ago, what does it matter. I’m concentrating on my studies, I don’t want any distractions’

‘Fine, but if you want some easy practice, let me know, I have all the inside info’

‘Stop…. Stop right there, I do not want to hear another word’ I grabbed my phone and put my headphones in as Gabe rolled over in fits of laughter.

I had a relatively modern phone, but even though I was of age to have all the settings unblocked, my parents had taken the liberty of keeping me free from the troubles of the world by keeping it locked the f**k down. I had no say in the matter.

They bought it, pay for it and as smart as I am, technology is not my thing. I have no idea how to override it. It was frustrating to still be treated like such a child. How was I ever going to make it into the big wide world if I remained a complete retard.

I mean, with no help from them, I was a lot wiser and street smart than they had any knowledge of, and they couldn’t shield me from everything. But man, did they try. It was suffocating.

I typed a quick message to Hannah and hoped she was free tomorrow so we could meet up, there was no way I was staying cooped up in this house for the rest of the summer.

*Please be free tomorrow – I need out of here! *

Hannah was my best friend. We had been friends for as long as I can remember. She used to be a little tom boyish, and to the unsuspecting town folk, she still was. But I knew better. To everyone ese, she was the picture of innocence and charm. My parents had thought she was my girlfriend.

She was, however, neither innocent nor my girlfriend, but she could charm anyone!

When they discovered she was in fact, just my friend, they were disappointed. Apparently, she would have been the perfect wife. Ugh. But when they accepted that was never going to happen, they relished in our non-s****l intent for one another and trusted her implicitly.

*Church that bad? I’ll pick you up at 10 *

*Ha! How did you know? *

*I was there! I am going to hell *

*You and me both! *

*At least your Uncle isn’t the bloody priest! *

*True, but he may as well be! In fact, I think he is probably worse…. *

*Good point – we are both screwed *

Oh, right, yeah, Hannah’s Uncle is the priest, Father Michael. This somewhat complicates things for her, and for me. Her parent’s and Uncle are very close and share the same values and morals. She is almost as restricted as me, almost.

But for now, our parents are none the wiser, so we delete our messages after we chat and hope we never get caught. If ever they read them, we would definitely be dead.

We spend most of days trying to figure out how we can escape this town with minimal damage. Having never once come up with a viable solution.

After lunch, I mowed the lawn and washed Dad’s car. I couldn’t wait to escape the table after our daily evening family meal, and head back to my room. I had a quick shower and lay on my bed, listening to music before drifting off to sleep.

My dreams were plagued with blurred faces, passionate encounters, and intimate kisses. I could never see the faces of the people I encountered in my dreams. But one thing I did know, was over the last few years it had become entirely clear, they were all men.

A secret I had kept hidden from every single soul I knew.

My experiences with men in that way, were non-existent and my knowledge on same s*x relationships very limited. Despite this, I was almost certain I liked men. The tent in my boxers the morning after my erotic dreams gave me a good indication, I was right.

The problem I had was that I could tell no-one and trust no-one. My parents’ views were not a secret to most in this small town, most seemingly agreeing with them. It was a small minded town, with small minded people, my parents being at the pinnacle of them.

I couldn’t even talk to Hannah, as open minded as she was, her family where friends with mine, and shared the same views, which no doubt, meant she did too. Of course, I wasn’t sure on this, we had never discussed it, but I wasn’t about to find out! That was far to dangerous a can of worms to open.

Therefore, I had no one to talk too, no easy way of getting the information I sought without getting caught and no way of really finding out if I was right.

It was frustrating and lonely being so disconnected. So, I concentrated on my schoolwork. I was a straight A student, gliding through all my final exams. When it came to choosing my options for 6th form, I could do anything I wanted.

I had no real idea what I wanted to do. My parents had advised in things they thought would make a good, steady career with a regular and decent income. Career choices were somewhat muted.

I loved sport but was advised it was not a career. So, I took it as an additional A level, for fun. They didn’t stop me, the school, or my parents, and I was clever enough to handle the extra work. It didn’t seem like work for me anyway.

Of course, none of this mattered as my urges became stronger and my need for answers, knowledge and understanding of what was happening to me became far to consuming to concentrate on a career.

What was it all for anyway? What was the point of being clever, getting good grades, having a good job, if I was going to be forced to hide who I was and play doting husband to a wife I was almost certain I didn’t want?

I felt trapped in a world not meant for me.

It felt like God was playing a cruel trick on me, allowing me to be born into a family that would never allow me to explore who I thought I was, understand me, accept me.

Maybe I was just being a rebellious teen, maybe I was just pushing the limitations my parents had set, testing the boundaries of their beliefs, their love for me. I didn’t know for sure. Maybe I never would.