Sweetest Sin

After 600 warnings, 300 groundings, and 150 “I told you so’s”, my parents had finally made good on their promise of “Why I outta” and “You just wait and see”. This didn’t come in the form of a belt hit against my buttocks, but instead came to a packed bag, a uniform, and a set of rules I would be forced to follow for the next two years of school. When my friends would be experiencing nirvana with the greatest drugs and ‘shrooms from here to New York, I would be forced claiming ‘hail mary’s’ and a ruler slapped on my wrist if I spoke out of turn. I suppose having been locked in my room and given a stern talking to no longer had the effect it once did. Counting to three, yelling, and even a slap on the behind no longer struck fear in me as it may have a few years ago. Now, I was sixteen with the entire world before me. Beautiful and up on all the latest 60s trends, I knew that I would only have to bat my lashes and show cleavage to get what I wanted, therefore rules and grades didn’t matter. I would respond to my parent’s futile attempts to put fear in me as they spoke I would go to hell, I would end up dead, or even in prison; in which I responded that any place would be better than here. This may have been then nail in my proverbial coffin and may have even launched the idea of a religious setting. So I suppose I only have myself to blame for being forced into these grotesque blue and white school uniforms. The sweater was already bad enough but the plaid skirt and knee high socks were enough to drive any person into insanity from lack of fashion. I was only given two hour warning to pack as my six sets of uniforms were already neatly folded by my mother as she fought tears in her eyes while speaking to me. She explained how she was doing this out of love and how she never wants her baby to disappoint her as I have done through repetition. I did my best to block her out however as I hummed the theme song to Gilligan’s Island as this had been my go-to when ignoring my parents. I had almost made it all the way through before noticing my mother hand unpacked everything I placed in my suitcase. I gave her a look of confusion as anyone would before she set her hands on the outside of my arms as tears were evident in her eyes. “I expected so much more from you...I hope this place can teach you some good. To be a good wife someday…” I couldn’t help but scoff. I knew my mother was the type to allow a man to control her life, what she wore, and how she spoke-but that wasn’t me. That would never be me, I wasn’t built for a domestic situation-only to witness theirs. “And I hope one day you can be something other than a mom and a wife.” I spoke as I threw my suitcase over my shoulder and walked towards the door of my bedroom as my mom’s mouth remained agape before I ventured towards the living room. To be honest, I was going to miss the sound of Sinatra playing on vinyl almost 24/7, the scent of cigarettes and brandy that seemed to remain on my father, and the sad glance in my mother’s eyes that I would catch every now and then when noticing that she thought of chances she never took. But due to this, I knew how to drive my life, how to take charge-and to go into every situation believing you can handle it. It worked thus far. My father sat at his favorite chair in the kitchen with a cigarette burning between his fingers and a bottle of alcohol nearly empty at his side. I truly believe his heavy eyes and confused equilibrium is his normal existence as this is how I have seen him the most. But this also was the only time in my entire life I had seen him cry. I didn’t notice it at first as he had his back turned to me but as I moved to tell him goodbye, I heard him sniffle as he tried to hide it. He took a large swig of his whiskey before nodding at me as his goodbye. There was no heartfelt gesture, no sweet moment, not even a “bud” or “kid” to come out of his lips. Only that he was relieved to see me go. As I stood in the threshold of the place I called home for sixteen years, I looked back to see my mother holding her mouth to her lips to hide her quivering kiss and my father to be ignoring the fact I existed-as he had done for as long as I could remember. I had half of a mind to throw both my middle fingers up in a grand gesture of shedding my childhood, but instead, I made my way to the bus station a few blocks away and waited for my ride. While holding my ticket between my lips, I began to rummage through my jacket for my pack of smokes as I eventually found them in my leather jacket that I had kept from an ex fling. I pulled the lit cig towards my lips and focused on the way the smoke went with the autumn air before finally seeing the headlights pull up. I extinguished the cigarette beneath the tip of my shoe before getting on the bus and handing my ticket immediately. I had only ever been on a bus once before when I was much smaller and undeveloped as I was now voluptuous and upon the verge of womanhood. That time had been for time within the city, as this one had been for my parents’ chance to finally rid me of their lives. I focused on the road passing quickly beside me as my head leaned upon the glass of the rainy scenery. There had been a kind of early morning haze that set deep within my eyes as I was forced awake at four in the morning to leave at five and arrive at ten. There was a certain level of excitement I had when it came to a new place as it meant a fresh start. It meant I wouldn’t have to wake up and hear my father in the bathroom being forced to purge or suffer alcohol poisoning. Or to hear my mother cry to herself within the shower. Instead, I could venture forward with each day being a new and full of possibilities. When the four hours did finally come to a close, however, and the bus stopped in front of a large building, I took my bag from the seat beside me, and made my way to the front. With a piece of gum smacking between my teeth, I ventured forward to what would be my new home. The entire place seemed antique in architecture with vines having grown on several spots that made it appear unkempt. A large bell tower was set ast the highest point of the entire estate with two large silver bells swaying to mark what I assumed to be simply ten o’clock. The grounds itself had perfectly manicured foliage with even a small fountain upon the right side of the steps that led to a set of stained glass doors with the name of the school handpainted upon it. Sacred Heart Catholic Boarding School For Young Women. What a mouth full. Most of the paperwork, flags, banners, and posters that laid around the school had just spoke of a smaller version being known as “Sacred Heart Catholic Boarding School.” As if those last three words didn’t even matter. As I opened the double doors in front of me, I found the hallways to appear silent with not even the ticking of a clock being in sight. There was only a reception desk which was empty and a multitude of hallways that gave no indication of what was the correct way to go. I lingered for at least a minute and a half before making my way behind the receptionist’s desk. I found there to be a typewriter with a half written memo placed on it. My curiosity peaked within me as I leaned forward and read how a new priest from Italy was arriving that day before the start of the new year. My mind immediately conjured an elderly man with gray or even white hair and a bowl shaped hat on his head-or maybe I was getting my religions mixed up somehow. My eyes then focused on a file with my name on it. I pulled it to view as I noticed it was rather thick. There were several reports from my last school as they described my “abrasive and even dangerous behavior”. I snickered at this as the only reason it was labeled dangers was because I had my lighter out to take a smoke and caught a curtain on fire. It wasn’t on purpose, but nobody would believe that. So I eventually just ran with it and became labeled as a pyromaniac. I enjoyed the fear others would have of me, especially those placed as authoritative figures. I also noted how it explained my medical records, the fact I smoked, my physical details, and my previous school identification picture that I hated from the fact I hadn’t grown into my breasts yet. I scoffed at the thought before finding a young woman of potential beauty to look at me with confusion. “Um...Can I..help you?” “This is me.” I said when lifting up the file that held my name in bold letters. “Oh! Nicolette Sacramon. I just finished your file this morning...We are so excited to have you part of our church. I just need to get you a map of the grounds and a patch for your uniform with the current year and you’ll be good to go.” The woman who spoke to me had a personality of irritating happiness. She was slightly heavier than me, by only twenty pounds or such, but that didn’t seem to matter to her. She had chocolate brown eyes and dark brown hair that could even be seen as black in certain lighting. She had her hair in a simple bun although it had the chance to be teased and sprayed to appear better than that of Tina Louise. I focused on her appearance and imagined the millions of possibilities she could take for making herself a bombshell. However, before I could voice this, she handed me a patch she had taken from a small tin container and then a map of the grounds. She then stood beside me and explained in great detail of the grounds themselves. She began to go on and about the vintage architecture and the beautiful gardens, not to forget the hand-painted stained glass…, but I only really began to listen when she spoke of my room. “You will have bed number 126.” She commented as I looked to her with my brows raised. “Room?” “Bed.” She confirmed. “Is something wrong?” She asked upon seeing my unhappiness marked by a furrowed brow and a pout instead of a smile. “I was under the impression that I would have my own space.” “Sorry...only seniors do...and those who behave. It seems to us that you are more rebellious and until you understand your duty under God and this church, then you can be given your own space. Until then, you are bed 126.” She paused for only a minute before turning and pointing to a building across the lawn. It seemed miles away as I was already dreadfully tired by being forced awake before even the roosters as I didn’t hide my disdain as I let out a groan. “It’s just right across the lawn and is up a flight of stairs.” “Great…” I gave a sarcastic thumbs up before making my way with my suitcase and patch, and crossing the green grass. I ignored the signs that spoke of me walking on the stone pathway that was placed as a hope of strategic walkers. I however, just wanted to get to my room in hopes of getting shut eye before classes tomorrow. But I found these accommodations to be anything but...well...accommodating. As I made my way up the seemingly endless amount of stone stairs and to the vast open room with the same amount of beds as stairs leading to it, I let out a sigh. You could tell which beds belonged to what type of girl. There were the ones neatly made with every crease pulled clean as others were quickly made with parts of it having been diagonal, backwards, or even still on the floor. However, every single sleeping space had a Bible upon a small table near the place of slumber. There was also an old oil lamp that sat beside the lamps and some were more used than others. As I looked around the rest of the room, I noticed that the windows had metal bars placed from the outside that fell more like a prison than a school...but then again, some schools are. I moved to the bed with 126 written on a card and hung over the metal rod at the foot of the mattress. I began to remove my items from my luggage which had been feminine items, ones of necessity, and finally my secret stash of psychedelics I managed to smuggle within a teddy bear. My lips curved to a smirk as I felt as though I achieved some grand plan before hearing the sound of those damn bells having chimed again. The large grandfather clock that sat just between the door and the window, showed it to be almost eleven already as I hadn’t realized truly how long it had taken me to walk from one side of the grounds to the other. As I went to make my way back to the reception desk, I then noticed the mess of students having moved throughout the area as if they were a crazed colony of ants at work. Some even followed the queen ant as they snickered at me with jealousy and whispered about what they heard others speak about me. I had only made it about half-way to the office space before feeling a grasp take a strong hold on me. I gasped and tried to yank it back into my possession before finding there to be an older woman looking to me with disgust. “Why are you out of uniform?” She asked me before I even had a chance to speak. “I just arrived today.” Suddenly her demeanour changed. It’s anger changed as if she had just been told a secret or gotten away with something. “So you are Miss Sacramon?” I could see her analyzing me, judging me without speaking what I could already assume to be a thought of me being a loose and rebellious teenager. “I suppose so.” “I will allow you this day to address me so informally, but you will be calling me sister from here on out.” “It’s not like you’re the queen…” I said beneath my breath as I made my way through a mess of fellow peers, escaping before she had the chance to force me to remain. While making my way back to the reception area, I found a younger girl dressed in a uniform as she waited around patiently on a bench beside the desk. I smirked as I didn’t even realize there was one there, but I wouldn’t have waited anyway. She looked to me with a smile as she extended her had as if she was confirming a business partnership with me. Due to this, I snickered and simply crossed my arms. “Okay…” She spoke in response. “Well I am the unofficial welcome committee…” Her smile was as irritating as the receptionists as retracted her hand and picked up her Bible from sitting beside her on the bench and returning to me. “I’m Tessa Blanchard. And you are Nicolette-” “Everyone seems to know me.” “It’s not everyday you get someone with your kind of reputation around here.” “I have a reputation?” She smiled before a blush fell over her lips. “There are so many whispers about what made you come here. Most of us are here because we are born into Catholicism. But you are like...a real rebel...smoking and drinking…” she lowered her voice. “Drugs and s*x…” “It’s not that big of a deal…” “It had to have been for you to be sent here…” “Does this mean you share a room with us?” “No. You are in Purgatory hall?” “What’s that?” “Well Purgatory is the place between heaven and hell...a little stop off area...but we call it that because it’s where the bad kids go...not saying you are-” She shrugged. “I think we both know that I am…” I winked at her before pulling a psychedelic mushroom I had taken from my teddy bear and holding it up. “Where can we go to take the edge off?” Suddenly I could hear a throat clear behind me. Great way to start my first day. But as I made my way behind the woman who I felt had it out for me since I arrived, I passed the sight of a devilishly handsome man who was nervously making his way down the hall. He had the kind of innocence that could make a woman want to break it. I felt as if he had been a match to my already burning flame. I couldn’t explain how badly I wanted him. Only by a glance, only for a second...but I needed him...