Centuries of Sin : Book III

1.6

Selene had never understood why Robin always snapped at her for trying to make sure he was comfortable when he was recovering from an injury until he had been wounded while they were away from the rest of the pack.

It was the summer before Francesca moved to live with them. They had both just turned 18, and they were a couple of days from home. There had been a Loner spotted in their territory, and when he found out it was another young man he went to deal with the situation the only way he knew how.

He had taken Selene under the guise of her being there to make food and set up camp, and when somebody questioned it he disparagingly insinuated that he considered her dispensable.

When they were far enough away from the rest of the pack he had surprised her when he told her to stay with him rather than sleeping alone at the other side of their campfire. They had been having s*x whenever he thought no one would find out about it for a couple of years, but he only offered to let her stay beside him now because there was no risk of anyone else seeing them together.

They were sleeping in the open air, on a makeshift bed she had arranged beside the fire.

Other than allowing her to sleep beside him, he had treated her no differently to normal until the night he was injured.

He killed the Loner, but not without sustaining wounds that she needed to treat. She thought that they all needed stitches, but he was too stubborn to accept that and allowed her only to tend to the worst of them, which ran from his collarbone down across his chest.

They had not slept together that night. He was too tired from the fight he had been through, even though he would never admit it. But he still wanted her to stay with him.

She remembered clearly what Robin had said as she got up to leave.

“I suppose you’re going to want to stay here next to me so you can worry over nothing.”

She thought he was making fun of her concern at first.

“It’s not so bad; you didn’t even need stitches. You’ve had worse than this.”

It was what she thought he wanted to hear. Validation of how manly he was and how well he was coping with something others would have been incapacitated by.

He had looked disheartened by her response, and so she took a chance and offered him a way of asking her to stay.

“But…it would make me feel better if you let me stay. You know how I get over silly stuff like this.”

He smiled - it was more of a grimace through the pain he was in - and she sat back down beside him silently and stared into the fire.

She saw Robin move in the corner of her eye. He had attempted to move closer to her but gave up on the idea when it hurt too much.

She almost asked if she could move closer to him. But he was the one who had wanted her to stay with him, and who had tried to move closer. It made her feel confident enough to shift closer to him and then put his arm around her by herself without nervously asking first.

She rested her head on his shoulder, and he squeezed her a little tighter to him for just a moment rather than telling her to f**k off or that she had no right to use him as if he was her pillow.

She didn’t want to talk and risk him telling her she was never going to be good enough for him, and he didn’t want to talk and risk telling her that he wished things could be different.

After a while, they lay down together and stared up at the stars until they both fell asleep.

She had woken up before him the next morning. The fire had died out, and the sun was still rising. The air was balmy and it smelled like the bonfire that had kept them warm in the night.

She would usually have started the fire again, and made breakfast for them. But today she remained curled up close to him because she had not experienced intimacy like that before and she didn’t want it to end.

When he woke up she closed her eyes. She hoped he would pretend to be convinced she was still asleep so they could stay there together for a little longer before going back.

But he really had believed that she was asleep, and he had kissed her.

It wasn’t the way he usually kissed her. Every time they had ever been together before was more like a fight than anything else. She always kissed him roughly, because she was angry that he always denied he was attracted to her. He was just as rough in response because he hated it that she knew how he really felt.

He was embarrassed that he thought she was beautiful, and that he appreciated how thoughtful she was without him having to ask. He wasn’t supposed to like someone like her. He wasn’t supposed to like anyone at all. The Alphas he looked up to were people like Tobias who did not tie themselves to any one woman. He could have whoever he wanted in his own pack. And he did. But she was the only one who ever made him feel like she actually cared about him, and he didn’t want her to know how hard it was for him to deny the way he felt.

When he had woken up and believed that she was sleeping he had taken the opportunity to kiss her softly, because he had wanted to kiss her like that since long before she began to develop any genuine feelings of affection for him.

She had not expected it. Her heart beat wildly and her eyes shot open as she gave up on feigning sleep.

He was still leaning over her and she saw him panic for a second as it dawned on him that she had been awake during a moment of intimacy he considered a display of weakness, and which he thought he had stolen for himself.

She was frozen. She didn’t know how to respond. If she told him she wanted him he would deny feeling the same way, and if she rejected him now he would be angry and ashamed.

His expression softened as he looked at her, and she closed her eyes as his lips brushed against hers again, as gently as he had been when he thought she was still sleeping.

Neither of them had been with someone else like that before. He generally used women for his own gratification, and she was used to men treating her as a dirty secret.

It felt like this was something new, and special, and which they were discovering together.

He broke away from her and brushed her hair from her face. His hand rested softly on her cheek, and he looked into her eyes because it had been nothing more than a kiss but it felt like so much more than anything they had ever done together before.

He wanted more from her. He wanted to know how it would feel if they took this further than just one kiss, because that one kiss had made him feel more alive than he ever had when he was fighting, or with one of the women who he was not ashamed of spending the night with.

His hand moved to rest on the back of her neck and he kissed her again.

She wanted him. There was no reluctance or resistance on her side. But she had nothing to be ashamed of, and he was convinced that he did.

“This doesn’t mean anything, Selene. I don’t want you getting ideas or thinking you’re something special just because I’m feeling like this while there’s no one more appropriate around.”

“You’re wrong.”

He was surprised that she had spoken back to him like that. He had expected her to agree with him the way she always did. If she agreed that it meant nothing he could tell himself it was just like every other time they had been together.

He was shocked enough when she disagreed that he didn’t immediately push her away, and she explained herself further.

“I don’t want to stop right now, but if you’re going to tell me it’s no different this time then we shouldn’t do this. Because I am not going to pretend the way I am feeling means nothing, even if you can.”

He always felt a need to make excuses for sleeping with her. Sometimes it was because her hormones were distracting him when he had work to do. Others it was because there was no one else around when he was in the mood to get laid; as if she didn’t know he had sent the other women he claimed to favor on some meaningless task to give him enough time to turn up at her door with that excuse.

The excuses he gave were as much for her benefit as they were for his. They were carefully calculated so she could turn him down if she didn’t want him. If he told her her hormones were distracting him she could tell him she needed his help with that, or that it would be too much for her to sleep with him. If he said that there was no one else there she could invite him into her room, or tell him people would be back soon and she wouldn’t want him to be embarrassed if they were caught together. He didn’t chastise her or get mad if she turned him down because it wouldn’t be the same if he wasn’t sure she really wanted him the next time he asked.

This time he already knew that she wanted to take things further. So, when he said ‘this doesn’t mean anything’ he was really asking her whether she could accept that this was a one-time thing, or if allowing themselves to carry on would ruin an arrangement that had been working for them for two years.

He had not expected her to insist that it meant something to her. But the moment she did, he was the one who had to decide whether to carry on or to pretend this hadn’t happened.

She was not willing to pretend that this was just about s*x anymore.

He was still close to her. His breathing was rough, and her chest was heaving as they both waited and hoped that the other would give in so they didn’t have to hold back anymore.

“You don’t know how it feels to have to make this choice. I am not supposed to care about you. But I do.”

He kissed her again. He wanted to remind her of what they were denying themselves, and he thought that telling her he cared might be enough for her to give in.

It should have made her happy to hear him admit that he cared for her. It was the kind of thing a lot of people like her fantasized about.

She was the lowest ranking member of his pack, but with one kiss everything had changed. And now that he had just kissed her again that feeling hadn’t gone away.

She did not let herself get swept up in the moment. She was realistic because that is how she had learned to be so that she did not get hurt.

“If we go through with this it won’t change the fact you are going to have to find a mate one day soon, or the fact it can never be me.”

Robin sighed and lay back down.

“If you aren’t going to f**k me, make yourself useful some other way. I want us packed up and ready to leave in the next hour.”

“Robin…”

“…I mean it, by the way.”  She ignored him and leaned across to pick her clothes out of her bag. “…you do know what I mean. Right?”

She rolled her eyes. He never did get subtlety.

“Yes. You like me, but I’m not good enough for you. I’ve heard it countless times; I guess it’s refreshing to hear it from the Alpha.”

He pushed himself to sit up so he could talk to her properly.

“Who the hell told you that you aren’t good enough?”

“Does it really matter? What are you going to do, go kick their ass on my behalf? They were only doing the same as you. I was born an Omega, I have never expected anyone to settle for me.”

“I wouldn’t be settling for you. If it was possible…”

“But it isn’t,” she swallowed to clear the painful lump in her throat, “and if you want us to get home by tomorrow night we need to get ready to leave.”

She stood up to start packing their stuff away, but by the time she was done he was still lying down where they had slept.

“Come on, quit sulking and get up so I can pack this away.”

His eyes remained closed, and she knelt down beside him so she could look at his injuries properly in the sunlight without him trying to hide how bad they were.

He was wearing the ripped jeans he had slept in, with no shirt. She doubted he could even put a shirt on over this the way it was now.

She wished he was willing to accept her help, but there was definitely no chance of that now.

“I know that you’re there, Selene.”

“I don’t know how you can be so casual about things like this…I wouldn’t be able to do anything for days if I had something so bad.”

“It’s nothing.”

“I don’t think we should go back yet. You should take an extra day to rest or it’s going to get worse.”

“It’s nothing.”

He repeated the words. He sounded a lot more annoyed this time.

She had been looking at his chest as she spoke, but her gaze trailed slowly up to his face.

He was paler than usual, and there were dark circles under his eyes.

“It is not nothing. We both know that. Why can’t you just accept my help with this?”

“Because I don’t need your help. I do not need you.”

He still had his eyes closed, and she didn’t think he even could get up.

She left him lying there and went to fetch water from her bag.

“Come on…” she shook him lightly, resting her hand on his thigh rather than touching him anywhere near the wound he was insisting he needed no help for.

He yelped, and she pulled her hand away and looked down in horror as she saw blood soaking through his jeans.

“Jesus Christ, why did you hide this from me?”

He didn’t answer her, and she pulled them hurriedly down so she could see how bad it was.

“You can’t walk anywhere today. I’m no longer suggesting we should probably stay. I’m telling you we’re staying. I cannot believe you were even considering sleeping with me before, you’re hurt badly for f**k’s sake.”

“I like you a lot. I didn’t want you to think I’m weak. I suppose it doesn’t matter now that you’ve made it clear you aren’t interested. But for future reference… I’d prefer it if you just did whatever you needed to without asking. If you fuss over me I feel like a kid.”

“I left the water next to you. I’m going to restart the fire.”

He was still lying down, and his eyes were still closed, but he smiled and she knew he appreciated that she understood what he had asked.

He needed her help. He needed her to sort out the wounds he had sustained fighting as a wolf. He couldn’t walk back like this. He just couldn’t admit it to her without feeling like he was a failure.

She never forgot that day. It had made her feel like she was really valued, and that maybe if things were different he would have given her a chance. She also understood that he noticed everything she did for him, he was just not comfortable telling her how much it meant to him.

When Sawyer woke up on his old couch the morning after he arrived back, there was a pain radiating from the two wounds on his abdomen. Whatever Selene had done to numb them had allowed him to sleep properly for the first time in weeks rather than being kept up by the pain, and it was far later than he would usually get up.

He was covered with a thin blanket and he was a little embarrassed that Selene had obviously come and slung it over him at some point. He only had a towel to cover him when he tried to get to sleep after insisting she keep her own bed; but she had taken the time to try and make sure he wasn’t uncomfortable, yet again.

His freshly laundered clothes were folded neatly on the coffee table, and there was a fresh cup of coffee beside them.

She wasn’t there. He knew that she was upstairs with her son, and he was unsure of whether she expected him to leave now he had been patched up and had a decent night’s sleep.

He sat up and leaned over to get his clothes.

The pain knocked him back. There had been too many other things to notice it before, but now that he wasn’t starving or dehydrated, and he had slept through the night, the only thing left to focus on was the searing pain.

He pushed through the pain and managed to stand up and get dressed tentatively.

The shirt brushed uncomfortably over the stitches, so he removed it and tossed it back onto the table without folding it back up.

He groaned frustratedly when he realized he had not picked the coffee up before collapsing back down onto the couch. He closed his eyes and tipped his head back breathing deeply to try and build up the will to reach over to the table again.

He heard the door to the living room open quietly, but he didn’t open his eyes.

He knew it was only Selene, but he was scared to look at her. There was a chance she would ask him what he had done, and that she would throw him out when she knew the truth.

“I made you coffee.”

He opened his eyes.

She was stood in front of him holding the cup out for him to take.

She was so used to the state he was in that she was able to figure out exactly what had happened.

He was wearing his pants, so he had managed to get up and put them on. The shirt was screwed up on the table, so he had chosen not to keep it on. His eyes were screwed shut, and he was trying to breathe through the pain which meant the wounds were no longer numb.

“You didn’t have to do this.”

“I know. I just wanted a coffee, it would have been rude not to make you one as well.”

“You don’t have a cup.”

“Right. Mine is still in the kitchen. The remote is in the top drawer of the side table next to the couch if you want to watch something.”

He didn’t, and he knew that is where the remote had always been kept, but as she left him alone again he decided he might as well put the television on to try and catch up with what was happening in the human world.

He smiled when he opened the drawer to find the cream she had used to numb his wounds the previous night next to packs of sterile cotton to apply it with.

When she came back in with the coffee she had only just made for herself the things had been moved to the coffee table.

“That drawer is an odd choice of storage place for first aid stuff. I think you must have put this there by mistake.”

“You can use it if you like.”

“I already did.”

“Would you have accepted if I offered to do it for you?”

“Probably not.”

“Then it wasn’t such an odd place to keep it, was it?”