Becoming Marilyn

Chapter 7

"Community development works with communities and processes rather than individuals. It isn't that people aren't seen as individuals, but rather their importance is what they bring to the table to create larger change in the community. The danger is when change is slow, it is easy to get cynical about the people and processes you work with. The temptation is to go through the motions without any expectation anything will be different. Giving in will make failure inevitable and blaming the people or the system the only way to avoid responsibility."

"What about a person's responsibility to take part in change?" Anna wore a suit and tie and had her blonde hair pulled back tight.

"While everyone has a responsibility to grow." The professor nodded, his signal for what he thought was a good question. "the only growth we really are responsible for is our own."

"So if people don't want to help, we let them off?"

"How can you force them to do anything else? Self-determination includes the possibility the person will make damaging decisions. Actually, damaging decisions are inevitable, and often our task is to help the person recognize the damage and make a plan to repair it."

Marilyn and BIrungi found a table at the Cafe after class.

"I'll get the coffee." Anna dropped what look suspiciously like a briefcase on the table.

Marilyn shrugged and sat down.

"Anna looks different," Birungi looked at Anna in line. "I see pictures of women in suits and they look like women. She tries to look like a man."

"Yeah, I can't wait to hear about this."

Anna came back with the coffee and sat down. She kept fidgeting.

"I hate these pants," she said, "they aren't right."

"So why are you wearing them?" Birungi asked.

"I was thinking about what Marilyn said about how did I know I was a girl. What if I couldn't look in the mirror and see a girl? But I still feel like a girl, just a weird looking girl in a suit." She pulled the tie off and dropped the jacket on the back of the chair. "It was stupid, I know."

"What did you learn?" Marilyn asked.

"I learned I make a really bad guy,"

"Is that all?" Marilyn kept her eyes on her coffee. "I thought I heard you say THAT you felt like a girl no matter what you looked like."

"I'm a girl," Anna shrugged, "That's all there is to it."

"So am I," Marilyn said.

"But.." Anna stopped and put her head in her hands.

"Your mind is telling me I can't be a girl because I don't look right,"

"You do look different," Anna groaned, "My brain says one thing, you say another."

"Listen to me instead of your brain," Marilyn said. "You don't need to understand it to accept it."

"But I want to understand!" Anna said loud enough people at other tables looked at them. "s**t, now I'm going to die of embarrassment."

"The only way to die of embarrassment is to let it define you." Birungi patted Anna on the arm. "My mother told me growing up is an endless series of embarrassments. Life goes on."

"There is no shame in wanting to understand." Marilyn picked her words carefuly. "but you can't expect me to be your object of understanding without being asked."

"Will you help me, please?"

"OK, that's what friends are for." Marilyn grinned at Birungi and patted Anna on the arm.

"Thank you, I'll start by not asking a lot of stupid questions." Anna relaxed her shoulders, and appeared to deliberately shift gears. "Speaking of friends, there's this bar down the street with karaoke every Thursday night."

"Tonight's Thursday," Marilyn said.

"What's karaoke?" Birungi asked.

"It's when you drink enough to get up and sing in front of a room full of strangers," Anna said. "I've always loved singing."

"I've never been big on it," Marilyn said, "but I'll give it a try."

"I can sing," Birungi grinned broadly. "but I don't drink."

"You can come and cheer us on," Anna said. "The sign said they start at eight, so we can meet here at seven thirty?"

***

The Flying Frog looked half pub and half bar. A stage stood at one end of a long room filled with tall tables. On the other half people played pool or laughed in booths. A band played on the stage. They didn't sound bad, but the drummer's timing was off. He switched to playing with one drumstick as he took a slug from a beer bottle. The lead guitarist and singer glanced back and rolled his eyes as if this were a long, losing battle. The woman on keyboards didn't even bother.

"OK," the lead said when the song came crashing to a conclusion. "That's our first set. It's time to break out the karaoke machine and see what damage you can do to the music."

No one rushed forward, so music played from the speakers. The piano player guided the drummer away to a room in the back. The lead guitarist came over to their table.

"Hi, name's Mack. I'm part owner of this place which is the only reason I can get a gig here."