I wish I could understand
1138 Words
Benita relaxed against her chair, her eyes watching over the classroom as her pupils settled down for their nap. Five hours of teaching ABCs and playing with the kids had drained their tiny bodies, and now they slept peacefully. A little nap wouldn’t hurt, right?
Suzy moved around the room, carefully adjusting the blankets on the 20 mini-beds to ensure the children slept comfortably. Meanwhile, Benita reached for her bag and pulled out her journal, the familiar worn leather soft in her hands. With no Jace around at that moment, there was nothing to fear.
**“…And he tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, staring into my eyes like he would swallow me whole. He told me I was attractive, smart, but that he couldn’t love me. He couldn’t be with me.
He told me it was all a contract and that I shouldn’t put my heart into it. I was confused. I didn’t understand. Why was our marriage going to be a contract? Why couldn’t we date like normal people and eventually marry for real?
And then, his hands slid down my face, and I felt it. He kissed me. It was the first time we had spoken, and he did that. He called me attractive and wouldn’t stop staring into my eyes. He wouldn’t stop admiring me. And then he sent me home, asking me to come back for the court wedding.
Well, here I am, blushing myself to death. That kiss… it was immaculate. My mind will never forget it. My heart will never forget it.
After the court wedding, everything will be rosy and beautiful. I will convince my new man to love me, and we’ll be together forever. We’ll overcome every trial and prove our love.”**
A single tear escaped Benita’s eye, and she quickly wiped it away. She closed the journal, her heart aching. That was the last time I ever had hope for him. She thought back to the moment, to her naïve optimism. She had truly believed they could work out. But it had all been a sham—a dream she clung to for far too long.
Determined to face the truth, Benita flipped past her younger self’s lovestruck musings and turned to the pages recounting the real story: the aftermath of the court wedding. Her heart sank as she read the first lines.
“Our first night was the worst night of my life.
He slept with me but called us friends. He told me we could never be together. It wasn’t the agreement with his family. He said it was all for his grandfather, and that he couldn’t say no to him.
He told me we could only stay together as long as his grandfather was alive. Once the man passed, his wealth would transfer to my contracted husband, and he’d leave me.
The deed would be done.
I didn’t understand. How could someone separate intimacy from love so easily? How could he call what we had nothing?”
Benita felt her chest tighten as she read on.
“I wish I could understand how his brain works.
It’s been two years into our fake relationship. We sleep together, laugh together, and even create songs together, but he still calls me his best friend. He never once referred to me as his wife—not to his friends, not to anyone. It’s absurd.
But then, he gets jealous.
When men approach me, when they flirt with me, he acts like a possessive maniac. I’m young, barely 21, with beautiful skin and a nice smile. Men find me attractive. But the second someone shows interest, he’s there, pushing them away.
He’s a weirdo.”
Benita sighed, turning to the next entry.
“Dear Diary, it’s a few months before our divorce, and I see a ray of hope.
One of my college friends came to visit me for a party. It was a big deal—our convocation. My friend had invited me as his date, and we were being playful as usual. My husband saw his hands on my waist and lost it.
He punched the guy right in the face! There was blood everywhere, and his parents were horrified. I couldn’t go to the party that day. My in-laws could barely look at him.
I feel like he’s in love with me. Why else would he react this way? I think he can’t bear the idea of losing me. I can sense his feelings. I just know it.”
Benita couldn’t help the bitter laugh that escaped her lips. “Naïve,” she muttered, shaking her head as she turned the page.
Her heart stopped when she saw the last entry:
“He left me.
The bastard left me.”
Benita snapped the journal shut, her fingers trembling. She shoved it into her bag, taking a deep breath to steady herself. That should be enough reason to hate him. She thought. That man crumbled when things got tough. He ran away at the first sign of conflict. He signed the divorce papers when it was convenient for him, and that was it.
So why, then, couldn’t she hate him? Why was it so hard?
“Closing time,” Suzy’s voice cut through her thoughts.
Benita nodded, grabbing her handbag.
In no time, she was in the passenger seat of the family car, heading home. Jace, ever the gentleman, leaned over to help her with her seatbelt, stealing a quick kiss before starting the engine.
As the car rumbled to life, Jace turned on the radio, and a sweet melody filled the small space. He sang along, his deep voice full of passion, glancing over at Benita every so often.
She smiled, her heart warming at his kindness. Jace wasn’t a wealthy man, but he was everything she could ever ask for—loving, protective, and full of life.
Midway through their drive, Jace pulled over onto a rocky path, cutting the engine.
“Be careful, baby,” he said, taking her hand as they stepped out. “Watch for the stones.”
Benita followed him up a small hill, the uneven ground crunching beneath their shoes. Her curiosity grew as they climbed, hand in hand, until they reached the top.
Before her stretched a breathtaking view of a beach, the waves rolling in gently under the soft glow of the setting sun. The salty breeze played with her hair, and a smile spread across her face as she took in the scene.
“It’s beautiful,” she whispered, her voice full of awe.
“And so are you,” Jace replied, wrapping an arm around her waist.
In that moment, Benita felt a flicker of peace—a fragile hope that perhaps, with Jace, she could finally let the past go.
- Writer
