Alpha's Redemption

Joshua POV: I was holding my mate in my arms; while she was dying “No don’t leave me here, alone. Erica please”. I tried to wipe some of the blood from her forehead, but I just made it worse, there was blood everywhere. I took the sleeve of my shirt to wipe some blood off, but it didn't help, I couldn't even make out where all the blood was coming from. She lifted her hand to my cheek and lightly stroked it “I love you Joshy” I felt the sparks flowing from her hands onto my cheek, how could I still feel this, the electric current with her dying? This can’t be happening. I silently prayed to the Goddess, ‘no please, please no, not Erica, please’. “I love you Erica, don’t go, please, you can fight this” I felt desperate, my wolf howled in my head, it was a sound of despair. Erica shook her head and looked at me "Never forget me" "I swear, I won't, how can I? you are my soulmate, but come on baby, just hold on for me, please" Her hand dropped to her chest, and I could feel life leaving her body. I felt the stab of pain in my chest and stomach, it was unbearable. I tried to get up but dropped to my knees in despair. I growled into the night “NO NO NO.”   My pack joined in, howling into the night sky, feeling the loss of their Luna and my mate. I held unto my mate’s lifeless body, tears streaming down my face. “Please no Erica, I can’t do this without you” I stared at the Rogue's bodies around me, still clutching Erica to me. Rogues had attacked our pack and a lot of my pack died, including my mate, in the end we were victorious but looking down at my mate, I didn’t feel victorious, I felt alone and heartbroken. I hated them, I howled loudly, pain spreading through my body. I couldn’t stand the loss. I felt a hand on my shoulder, I looked up into the de-stressed eyes of my beta, Aaron. “She’s gone Aaron”. I could see the pain in his eyes, Erica was his only sister.  I picked her up and started carrying her back to the pack house. I walked up stairs to the room we shared and placed her on the bed. I took some flowers from the pot, flowers she had picked only this morning. I placed the flowers on her chest, I took off my family ring and put it on her finger. I stood there just staring at her, it must have been hours, because the next thing I heard was my mother and sister coming into the room.  My sister hugged me to her “I am so sorry Joshua”. I pushed her away from me. I didn’t want to exist without her, she was my mate, the better part of me. I was angry, angry at the goddess for taking Erica, I needed her, how was I supposed to live without her. My mother walked closer trying to console me. I gave her a cold glare and walked past her. I saw what my rejection did to her, but I didn't care, I was so filled with rage. “Joshua please son” “Just go, leave me” I heard my mother’s tearful pleading, but I didn’t care. I just stared at them both. I couldn't stay there, I had to leave. I turned around, grabbed my passport and wallet, and started walking. I didn’t stop until I reached the airport. The first flight out, was to Budapest, I booked it and waited for the boarding call.  I felt dead inside, I couldn’t believe she was gone. I didn’t want to go on without her. When I finally boarded the plane, I took a seat and just stared out of the small window. I wasn’t even aware of the plane taking off, but we must have. How was this possible, I was Alpha of the biggest pack in North America and yet my mate was killed by Rogues, the same way my father died 3 years before her. How could that be, I felt the anger rise within me, and I hit the seat in front of me. The passengers just stared at me, probably too afraid to say anything. Good, I wanted them scared. After the plane took off, I just sat there, staring out to the nothingness. The air hostess came over and offered me a drink, I grabbed a small bottle from the trolley. I watched her as she walked away. I downed the drink and then waved her over to grab another drink from the trolley. I took several little bottles this time, the hostess said nothing, she just watched me. I quickly finished those drinks as well.  Later she approached me again with a flirtatious smile, pushing her drinks trolley, I grabbed the small bottles of vodka and glared at her, she walked off feeling insulted, she probably though I wanted her, stupid b***h, I could never want anyone else. I felt dead. I wanted my mind to follow my soul into oblivion but that would take a lot more drinking. I downed two of the tiny bottles and started opening the third when I heard the air hostess come down the aisle, delivering the meals, she stopped next to me. “Would you like a meal” I grabbed her hand and I saw her eyes flair “No, but you could bring me some more drinks”. I gave her a slight smile, I just wanted her to bring me more alcohol, I needed to numb this pain.   Hours later we landed in Budapest. It was dark out, I had no luggage, so I just went through customs and then left the airport, I jumped into a cab. The cab driver looked at me and spoke to me in broken English. “Where to” “The closest bar” Minutes later he stopped in front of some dodgy looking bar, I got out and walked inside. I felt eyes on me, but I didn’t give a s**t. I took a seat at the bar and waved the bartender over. He walked closer, slowly approaching me. Before he spoke to me, I looked over to him “Bring me a bottle of whiskey” He stared at me but took a bottle from the shelf and placed it in front of me. I threw down some money on the counter. He grabbed it and then left, leaving me to myself. I pulled a glass closer; I was sure it was the guy sitting next to me, glass. I poured a double and threw it down my throat. I kept drinking until the bartender informed me that the bar is closing and that I should leave. I dropped some money on the counter and left. I started walking the streets, I found another bar, it looked even worse than the first, but my mind was starting to numb, just a little more and I'd be there. I walked in and took a seat at the bar. I ordered another bottle of whatever, all this alcohol was starting to get to me, drowsy and numb, that's all I could feel now. a Women approached me after I finished another bottle. I didn’t even turn to her. I just pulled her outside with me; she was more than willing to come with me. I pushed her against the brick wall, she freed my c**k from my jeans, and I pushed her underwear aside. I entered her and just took what I wanted, what I thought I needed. I pulled out spilling my seed on her stomach. I felt disgusted with myself and ashamed. I pushed away from her and started walking to the street, I could hear her screeching something at me, but I didn’t give a f**k. I just knew I was never going to do that again, I felt dirty and ashamed as memories of Erica assailed me.  I saw a van driving up the street, I waved them over and hitched a ride with them, it looked as though they were part of some band. They welcomed me and passed me a bottle of beer. They were traveling to Berlin. I could care less, right now all I wanted to do was get to an English-speaking country, I was getting frustrated trying to explain to people what I wanted. From Berlin I got on a train and travelled to England. I found myself on a ferry, how I got there, I would never know. I discovered the ferry was going to Ireland. I was barely existing, just drinking, I couldn’t remember the last time I even slept.  I had no purpose, no reason for living. Just going through the motions. That was until I saw her. Those haunting eyes will forever be burned in my soul.