In Dreams: Bleed Out

Don't Know How To Feel

I felt numb on the car ride home, though Alexandre was obviously walking on air.  He had discussed ultrasounds and further testing briefly with Dr. Stein before we left.  I left the details to him, since I was in so much shock I didn't know what to think.  I held a hand against my abdomen and closed my eyes.

'Please don't be a monster.'  I thought desperately at it.  A warm hand covered mine, I could almost feel Alexandre's joy through his very skin.

"We should probably do a home birth.  I'm not really sure of the speed or healing factor related to that."  Alexandre commented thoughtfully.  "It might bother hospital staff if your heart-rate isn't strong enough to measure either."  He said thoughtfully.  My head snapped in his direction.  Bother hospital staff?  It bothered me!  What if the virus saw the birth as an injury and the baby had to be cut out?  How would that work with my healing ability  I looked at him with horror.  He glanced over at me.

"Calm down Carys, that's a long time off, we have plenty of time to work out the details.  Well at least I think it is.  Nobody I've talked to has actually witnessed a vampire pregnancy.  The general consensus seems to be none of our kind can stay together long enough to see if it's possible because of our...attitude problems."  Alexandre chuckled.  "So nobody even knows how long or short this thing will be.  We have a one of a kind baby."  Alexandre crowed happily.  My expression had mutated into outright terror.  Everything he said had just made it worse.

"I think you should shut up now."  I squeaked.  Alexandre glanced at me and immediately pulled the car off the road.  He jumped out of the driver's side and raced to mine, pulling open the door.

"Carys, love, it's ok, honestly.  Look at me love, breathe."  Alexandre soothed frantically, rubbing my icy hands  "You know usually it's the father with cold feet."  He joked and I gasped a desperate laugh.  "What's the matter love, can you tell me?"

"I just...don't know how to feel about all this."  I sobbed.  "It's all happening so fast and it's so strange because I want to be happy, but I'm scared."  Alexandre pulled me against his chest.  His heart was beating erratically and his next words came out quietly.

"I'm sorry Carys, I've been selfish, and forgotten to check in with you through this whole thing.  What would you like to do...I'll support you if you decide..."  His voice hitched and I could tell the idea broke his heart, and hearing that also broke mine.

"I can't!"  I wailed  "It's a part of you!"  Alexandre pushed me back and kissed me gently.

"Just because this is what I want, doesn't meant it's what is best for you.  I will support your decision." He looked at me seriously, tears standing in his eyes.  "I won't lose you Carys.  Not over this."  I cried harder.

"I...can't"  I said through sharp inhales.  "What if it's a pretty little baby with your curls and my eyes?  What if I kill our only chance at having children?"  Alexandre wiped away my tears.

"Then we find a child who needs us just as much when the time is right."  He replied simply.

"And who would do it?"  I cried.  "Like you said, it's not like my body register's 'human' anymore!"

"We would find someone, if that's what you want."  Alexandre replied, leaning his forehead against mine.  I tried to regulate my breathing and clutched at my stomach.

"I want to believe this is a good thing, because nothing bad has ever come from you yet, at least towards me.  And here you are again, so close to your dreams, and yet willing to throw them all away, for me!  I don't deserve you."  The tears renewed and Alexandre shushed me gently.

"Don't you see Carys, you do deserve it.  And should you have this child, I will protect them just as fiercely as I do you.  Never doubt that I already love the child, because I already do, and it will break my heart to lose them, but Carys, I cannot LIVE without you in my life now.  If you were to leave, my life would be meaningless.  I would never want you to feel pressured into a decision because it's something I want over what you want.  That will just drive a wedge between us and ultimately drive you away from me.  I cannot lose you."  Alexandre laid his head on my chest and I clutched him tightly.

"You don't have to come to a decision now, but soon, ok?"  Alexandre said.  I nodded.  The rest of the drive home was silent except for the sound of the engine and the tires on the road.

I stripped my bra off the minute we got in the house and flung it at Alexandre in an attempt to lighten the mood.

"Careful, some might consider that an invitation."  He growled.

"Hey, you're the one who told me I could go braless."  I replied.  "You neglected to mention where said bras should be stored."  He growled again and I giggled as he gave chase to our room.  I changed into comfy pajamas immediately and apologized to Alexandre for my exhaustion as I collapsed on the bed.

"I understand."  He said softly and kissed me on the head.  "Besides, it's bed time anyway."  He commented, flopping down beside me.  I rolled towards him and snuggled into his embrace.

"Thank you."  I said softly.

"For what?"  He asked.

"For being so understanding."  I replied and then the world faded away around me.

I woke up unexpectedly because the house was so quiet.  Even Alexandre was holding his breath.

"Alexandre, what's going on?"  I asked, panicked.

"Shhh, do you hear that?"  He shushed me.  I held my breath too, and listened carefully.  Alexandre sat up abruptly.

"What is it?"  I hissed, trying to sit up too, beginning to get terrified.  He shushed me again and motioned me to lay still.  I stop moving, listening closely.  He suddenly leaned over my torso and placed an ear below my belly button.  I twitched lightly.

"What the actual Hell?"  I exclaimed trying again to sit up.

"Shush!"  Alexandre repeated and pushed me back down before returning an ear to my abdomen.  He grinned.  "Listen carefully, it has a heartbeat."  I gasped in shock and held my breath, willing my heart to slow and closing my eyes to block out all other noise.  I pushed aside the gentle sensation of Alexandre's head on my stomach, the feel of the sheets, and the scent of him so near, concentrating everything I had on listening.  My eyes flew wide as I heard it, an almost imperceptible quick and light thudding.

"It has a heartbeat."  I said, shocked.  Tears sprang into my eyes.  If it had a heart it couldn't be too much of a monster right?  The virus hadn't killed it or mutated it so horribly that it wasn't developing properly, right?  My shoulders relaxed and I let my head fall back on the pillow.  It had a heartbeat.  It wasn't going to be some horror movie zombie/vampire combo that turns into a murderous beast and eats everyone.  "Ok, no."  I stated resolutely.

"No?"  Alexandre asked with confusion.

"No abortion.  It has a heartbeat.  That means it's alive right?  Normal?"  I don't think he knew what I meant but he quickly leaned over me to kiss me silly.  I just hoped I didn't regret the decision later, but at least I knew some undead monstrosity wasn't going to crawl out of my womb.  The kissing became more urgent and then he paused.

"Let me get something to eat.  Top up so to speak, and if you're feeling like giving some consent, I'd be willing to take it."  He nipped my neck and moaned.  "Mmm, tropical."  I giggled lightly and shook my head at him as he tripped happily from the room.  Such simple things made him happy.  I rolled over and was dozing on my stomach when he returned.

"Ooh, now this is a position we haven't tried in a while."  He purred, running a finger up my spine.  I shivered.  "I drank a little extra, just for you.  Seems I've become your purity filter, for now."  He laughed and I heard flesh tear and he offered me his bleeding wrist.

"Better hurry before it closes."  He teased, gently pulling his arm away.  I inhaled his scent and heard my stomach growl in response.

"Well that's new."  He laughed.  I lifted myself up on my elbows and turned towards his proffered arm, greedily latching on.  I held his arm in place with one hand, while holding myself up with the other.  Alexandre lay down beside me with a sigh, allowing me to drink my fill.  I couldn't stomach much, but gratefully licked the inside of his wrist clean to the fingers when I was through.  He moaned my name lightly and pulled me to him.

"I promise you, we'll try that position in the near future.  In the meantime..."  He yawned.  "I think we both could use the extra sleep."  And before I knew it I had been lulled to sleep by the sound of his gentle breathing.

He woke me with a gentle kiss to my lips, then my abdomen and a murmured "I love you Carys, I'm headed to my study.  Go back to sleep."  I nodded and mumbled a 'love you' back and rolled over, burying my head in the blankets, all with my eyes closed.  Alexandre chuckled and I heard his quiet passage from the room.

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AN:

PLEASE NOTE: This chapter does not express the viewpoints of the author concerning abortion. I am adamantly pro-choice. I.e. Your choice is none of my damn business.

I tried to treat this issue fairly, from the viewpoint of an expectant mother who may not be sure of a pregnancy.

As a woman with not only an auto-immune disease that has affected many of my organs, PCOS and the 50/50 chance of developing a genetic illness, I am not certain myself how I would fall on that line if I ever had to make the decision, knowing I may be dooming my child to all the health problems I have, or may be endangering both of our lives by attempting the pregnancy because of my health. These are tough and valid issues that individuals have to go through and it's not even all of them that some women have to consider. In short, it's not my place to judge whatever is right for YOU, just bear in mind that whatever is right for you, may not be right, or SAFE, for someone else.

Please keep all hate and nasty comments clear from the chapter, I'll just delete them anyway, so be mature.