Thrust

I stood before the mirror as I had done a thousand times before, but I could no longer recognize the woman whose reflection now met my eyes. After hours of tweezing my brows that left the skin beneath raw, dying my chocolate brown hair with highlights of auburn, and being set in ensembles as if I was part of an early 2000’s montage, I now stood before my friends since middle school as the definition of a successful makeover. And yet, despite the extensions running through my lightly curled tresses layered in hairspray and the charity of clothes from the girls spending the night, there was an absence of the original ‘me’ in every single detail.  But this sense of difference allowed as an accompaniment to this transformation would be what it would take to tear this sheepish yet burgeoning young woman from her consistent state of nerves and uncertainty. With makeup in place, clothes complimentary to my shape, and the final spritz of perfume light in aromatic vanilla followed by words of endearment, I would be sent forward on my task. The moment the door would come to a close, however, I would regret ever agreeing to this to begin with. But as I would become lost in my thoughts in my trek forward, I continued in his direction until realizing this was simply a fool’s errand.  “Ribbons?” His voice called at my back as I attempted to return to my bedroom without him harboring a single lick of knowledge of my initial descent. I believed he had envisioned me in this moment as he always had; his best friend’s little sister, but as I turned to face him, we would both be met with the unexpected. As I would reveal myself to him with the belief that this would prompt him to see me in a light beyond that of immature or even ‘one of the boys’, he would look at me as if he was a second brother taunting his young kin.  “What’s on your face?” he inquired before fondling the railing that would link us while I concealed my heartache beneath a polite smile.  “Joceylyn insisted-” I tattled as he smirked and slowly nodded his head into a nod as I wished to run and retreat, as I rued ever wishing to make any attempt towards him.  “I see…” He finally spoke after seconds that felt more like hours in pensive silence while he studied the details of my attire that left me completely off kilter in any sense of contentment.  “Well I liked you better the other way…” Due to his perpetually monotone voice, it was difficult to tell if this was a friendly or flirtatious response as he would hide his eyes from me while turning into the direction of the backdoor that held a fenced-in section of cement used for a makeshift basketball court.  “Well why don’t you get out of all of that so we can shoot some hoops?” His eyes would now refrain from observing me as I believed he had not found a single portion of my standing in allurement. It pained me but also left a sense of relief to know once and for all that I was truly friendzoned.  “I have the girls here…” I spoke while pointing behind me, drawing my head in the same direction as my point, before turning back to watch him now on the step directly beneath me. Immediately, I felt a sharp inhale shoot through my chest as I was able to take in the beauty of his features enjoying this rise out of me.  “We still have to finish our game-I can’t let it be settled on a tie-'' He would suddenly take hold of my ribs, digging the edges of his fingers into my soft skin lined by this thin fabric as he had done a thousand times; small notions like this that made me question if there was a flicker for him where there was a forest fire for my own attraction. But as my brother would motion him into the backyard to finish the game on my behalf, I would watch him leave with a second glance and a grin before disappearing beyond those French doors.  As I stood at that step hoping he would return to the room and sweep me into his arms, I truly believed I had watched too many adolescent television shows of the cliche opposites attraction trope finding love among common ground or that I had even buried my nose too deeply into the pages of YA novels to believe he would ever see me as anything beyond Brennan’s younger sister. But even as I attempted to dress a bit more exposed to the girls my brother’s best friend would usually hold his arms across at parties or the ones he invited to our pool for the last handful of summer’s, I would still be that same eight-year-old girl that seemed to live for his attention and acceptance.  Rather quickly, I would cross into the bathroom and remove the hours of work my friends had spent the better part of this summer night applying to my otherwise ‘plain’ existence. I was not riddled with leprosy or marked by scarring that could be deemed unattractive by cruel bullies online or those walking the halls of my previous high school, but in comparison to a beauty like Jocelyn who put the effortless try into her appearance even as she would simply go out to check the mail, I understood how I was not the girl guys like Shane Thirdelle would go for. I would be forced to cross the pathway of Brennan’s room in order to return to my own as my eyes would catch upon the sight of my heart’s focus catching the view of Shane now shirtless as he would take the chair in sight of the door before falling out of sight. My lustful and hormonal curiosity wishing for more I would look into the direction of my own bedroom, before peering through the small slit that allowed me to view both my brother and Shane in a rather light conversation that held the weight of words my delicate heart was not prepared to experience.  “She was really trying to hard and it was, embarrassing...I didn’t want to call her out and humiliate her...but she was acting so...desperate...It was really sad, because she thought I wanted her that way...But just wearing those kinds of clothes and looking to me that way...she was throwing herself at my feet for attention...it was pathetic…” The reason I had come to adore Shane as I had for the last ten years had been for the way he included me when my brother had replaced me by the things he deemed were more important, so to hear these words was like a sharp poker to my already cracked heart. Tears blurred my eyes as I did not wish to hear another word and quickly returned to my room as I fell into my bed and crumpled with my pillow.  “What happened?” Jocelyn inquired with weary worry as I remained steadfast in my loathing that replaced the desire I felt for him in a literal handful of moments prior to this. I only wished to prove maturity among a group of girls who wore their hearts ostentatiously upon their sleeves, while I believed investing my time in academics in place of cosmetics would give me an advantage to his gaze, but now, I only wanted to hurt him as much as he had to me.  When my sobbing subsided enough to speak, I would explain the details heard by my own ears as my friends, Whitney, Marissa, and Jocelyn would finally move to me in support.  “I just want him to hurt like this…” I explained within my glare in the direction of the door as I would hear him take to the stairs beside Brennan as I would lunge towards my feet in hopes of catching him. “He should know-” Suddenly Jocelyn would take hold of my hand.  “What if we could?” “He’s heartless...He only cares about basketball and sex...there’s isn’t a way I can hurt him…” But as I spoke these words, Jocelyn developed a mischievous twinkle in her eye that horrified me. It was the kind of look given in a comical cartoon once the villainous figure had developed the truth beneath their master plan.  “Maybe we were thinking about this all wrong...I mean those clothes are so…’girl next door’...and not in a hot ‘hugh hefner playboy bunny sort of way’...they are too comfortable...You need something...You need to BE something he can’t have…”  “What do you mean?” I asked further as I would be pulled into the floor length mirror set on the back of my door with stickers of popular musical artists such as Olivia Rodrigo and Spencer Sutherland gracing either side of the reflection of this disheveled girl.  “You have always appeared to him as this pristine little goodie-two-shoes that he made the rules for...It’s time to make your own damn rules-” “Yes, b***h!” Withney exclaimed with a clap of agreement, quickly endorsed by Marissa.  “How? I’m not like you...Jos, I can’t pretend to have all of this s****l confidence when I have only ever kissed a guy…” “That’s the beauty of it...You don’t HAVE to do anything...Just rock these clothes and appear...indifferent to him...Walk in after shopping with us and ignore him on the couch or even give a sympathetic wave while talking on the phone and making plans with another guy-it will drive him crazy!” “How though? Right now I’m torn between wanting to hit him and kiss him…” I confessed as there remained a sense of desire beneath his hurtful words as I hoped he was saving face in front of Brennan, while a part of me knew, without a doubt, the words he had spoken were his true feelings as he held a personality of ‘what the hell’ when it came to any life decision.  “I’ll teach you...We will spend this weekend versing you in all things ‘sexy bitchiness’ until I am satisfied with my project, and then, we will have you two meet organically...How though?” “A party…” Whitney inquired as Jocelyn nodded and clapped to her hands in excitement.  “Perfect!” “My parents are letting them have a small party here since they are still in England, but-” “It’s PERFECT!” Jocelyn reiterated once more as I left a glare in her direction of uncertainty in place of disagreement.  “I don’t know…” “Have I ever let you down? When you tried to give yourself bangs for our tenth grade pictures and looked like you were the butt of some horrible joke, who pinned them back and spared you being the laughing stock for the yearbook that year? Or how about when Karlie Kanning made that rumor about you being bulimic and so we did a bake sale-” “I know…” I interrupted while not wishing to relieve the more horrible years of my life.  “So trust me now...I wouldn’t do this unless I knew it could work...just trust me…” This trust she would be requesting was well merited as her and I had been friends the longest; dating back well before either one of us understood the fliration of boys or the excitement of a man’s gaze-it was the days of rewatching Hannah Montana and painting each other's nails with horrible French tips to make fun of our mothers. But now, she would have full reign to determine my personality and I had no choice but to let her as my heart yearned to make it so… “Perfect!” Jocelyn’s mission in life had been to make her stamp on fashion evolution. Not necessarily to wear designs, but to be the one of those spoken of the lips of high end clients universally known; which is what made me her newest project. But throughout the remainder of this night, we would discuss the way I would now wear my hair and the kinds of clothing I would purchase for the remainder of this ‘experiment’. Any clothing that would remain hung in my closet would be cut appropriately above the navel as we would spend the majority of that next day at the mall as I would be ‘taught’ of who I would now exist to be; Maddison Webber, sexually confident and recently graduated.  “I look like I’m going for an application for Hooters…” I commented while looking at my reflection of the tight tee that showed a section of my breasts assisted with the help of my new bra, as my gaze fell to the black leather of my pants now possessing my curves to leave absolutely nothing to the imagination.  “You look HOT...But if you don’t act a certain way, he’s just going to laugh at you...You have to make him understand without even speaking a word to him that he doesn’t know you anymore and he won’t get a chance to…” I nodded in agreement.  “Good...so let’s party!” Two hours would come to pass before I would be allowed to make my descent while the sounds of punk rock music would echo through the floor and I would distract myself with the photos set around my room. I thought of the vivacious girl that felt so alive on the court of a volleyball team or holding herself at bay before sprinting in a successful sprint from one side of the pool to the other, all while I would find him supporting me in these pictures with his presence alone as he seemed otherwise distracted.  “Okay, he’s down there with some blonde girl right now practically giving him a lap dance...but you are going to KILL It, I know it!” I nodded and adjusted my attire before pressing a final layer of lip gloss into my kiss, and descending the steps. Unnoticed by the majority of the party as I did not stand out among girls dressed in similarity to me, I would quickly retire into the kitchen for a sense of serenity to gather myself. But as the sight of alcohol set on the counter of the island would tempt me with just a hint of liquid courage, I would pour myself a drink before hearing a voice at my side.  “You don’t want to do that…” I found a rather handsome man standing across from me, clearly well versed with conversations with the opposite s*x as he held no falter in his confidence or his smooth excuse to come close to me. Pressing his grasp to that of a few variations of juice and alcohol, he would ask me to retrieve club soda from the fridge to top it off, before I turned back to find a light blue drink awaiting my consumption. My eyes met with Jocelyn for only a moment before she shot me a raise of her thumbs in approval as I would take the drink in stride. But once my eyes scanned the room for Shane among the sea of similar faces, I would find only strangers in my line of sight.  “Are you looking for someone-” “Do you want to dance?” I asked in nervousness as his lips would carve before I would be pulled by Jocelyn and into the direction of the living room, which was now converted into a dance floor with the furniture pushed to the side and the sexy vocals of MAX playing through a remix.  “I was going to ask HIM to dance with me-” “You aren’t quite there yet to try and make him jealous, we need to make sure he notices you...Just dance with me…” She would become my partner in a moment of spontaneity while we would use one another as a point of stabilization before dirty dancing to the reverb and rise of music that made up this track. But somewhere in the change to one artist to another, I would feel a force pull me from the center of the living room and into the backyard now littered with guests taking occupancy of the pool furniture as I was suffering an overwhelming sensation of dizziness from an overindulgence of mystery liquor and a devotion to quick dancing.  “What the f**k are doing? What the hell are you wearing?!” Shane would question me as I would eye my attire once more as I made a note of how I was not appearing as risque as most of the girls in attendance and yet he treated me as if I was in nothing more than lingerie. After spending a decade and a half in sports uniforms loose to my frame, I was relieved to have something that made me feel wanted, as this was more for myself than for him.  “Why do you care?”  “Are you smashed!” He would evade the question in his own question as I had a difficulty meeting his gaze as a rush of heaviness came over my head. But I knew I had only had a single cup of liquor; although mixed, it was not strong enough to bring me to this sort of effect-especially so quickly.  “I don’t need YOU…” I mumbled through a glare before attempting to turn as he would take my hand once again, this time with a strength that forced the muscles in his hand to contract. But he would not respond to me, instead, he would only look down at me as if that gaze would be enough to make me acquiescent to him. In truth, I was distracted by his sparkling gaze somehow perfect in this ambiance, but my anger remaining first above all other emotions would allow me to pull my arm back into my own possession.  “I don’t want you to touch me! I don’t need you here and I don’t want you here.” I spoke cruelty as he would release me and I would return towards the steps of my house before holding the bar of the steps as I felt the world become loose around me. Before I could drop to my feet or inquire for help, I would feel gravity take hold of me, but a sudden strength kept me from colliding with my ass to the grass as everything drew black.  When I would awaken, I would feel the most horrible of aches to spread from one of my temples to the other and a sensation of dry mouth to take over the entire reach of one molar to the other. Rather quickly, I would find the familiarity of my room at the meeting of my parted lids until realizing I was only dressed with the thin sheet kept over me. This would leave me temporarily confused as I pulled myself to my feet and pulled a nearby tee over my body before freezing at the sound of a groan at my back. I recognized it immediately to not have belonged to Jocelyn, Whitney, or Melissa and it was too deep to be possessed by Brennan. But I would turn slowly to face my bedfellow as I recognized the sun-kissed figure toned to perfection now awakening before me as I had witnessed these muscles tense while pulling himself from our pool for years. I was mortified and questioned if my willpower truly existed in such low strength, and with this thought, I searched the scene for any further evidence of our apparent night together, before I would sprint to the end of the hall and lock myself into the bathroom.  While holding myself over the sink, I attempted to gather the memories of the night before as they had become somewhat fuzzy following dancing. I would piece it together at the very moment the sound of a knuckles connecting to the opposite side of my door.  “You alright, ribbons?” If not for the fact of this pounding headache or the words witnessed in recent heartbreak, I may have refrained from speaking against him. But the ache across my skull and the pain to my heart by the mere sound of betrayal of a voice I once trusted, I would set myself in the direction of the door before tearing it open to reveal him standing in only his boxers. My eyes fought to view the perfect indents of his muscles that made up the six pack leading to his Adonis belt and below before I would return to my ambition of anger.  “Stop calling me that! I’m not eight anymore!” I testified as he would allow his gaze to fall down my frame as I realized I was now wearing his shirt.  “That’s for sure…” his tone was now sensual and sultry, like salted caramel to my yearning sweet tooth as I would fight this attraction until feeling his eyes take stock of me standing across from him in my attempts to be dominant between us.  “What would you like for me to call you then? Princess? Doll?” He stood close enough to me so I was able to feel the heat from his breath fall to my lips as if implying a kiss teasing availability by motions of my intention.  “Mine?” My eyes shot up to to his final suggestion as I could feel his eyes fall to the analysis of my frame revealed to him; the existence of my legs made soft and left exposed beneath his own heather gray tee and the lack of a lift of my c cups left free without inhibition would bring his gaze to me in a way I had desired for so many years. Those eyes were full of heat and desire, seemingly speaking to me in some forbidden silence that seemed irresponsible to allow. And yet, our gazes would keep as he moved towards me until walking me into the length of the door and pinning me without even a touch.  “Are you staying for the show or….” I glared in confusion before noticing how he was now standing over the toilet in preparation of using it. Scoffing at his shamelessness, I would quickly return to my room and change into something of my own, finalizing coverage as the door opened at my back.  “Do you not knock anymore?!” “Who licked the red off of your candy?!” I narrowed my eyes at his phrase as he would continue to smirk at me; that damned smirk that made me forgive him for an action she hadn’t even committed yet. Although I wished to be angered at him in this moment, my eyes would sink into his messy hair and broad shoulders before falling to the ‘V’ leading to the prohibited knowledge of his manhood that left me curious to the rumors circulating of him as a lover. But with his step advancing to me, I would rival him once more.  “What the hell are you doing in here?” “I want my shirt back…” He would comment in rebut while holding out his hand. Leaving a scoff, I would move to my bed and pull the sheets upwards towards my chest to cover my otherwise nude torso, before returning the shirt in an impressive throw until it hit him upon the chest.  “Can you not be a jerk for two seconds and just tell me what happened?” Even if I had recalled the details that led me to fall into his arms, those from when I had been taken in mercy between his biceps and lifted with his forearms, had remained as dark as those eyes across the room now eying me in deep study.  “A jerk?” he c****d his jaw to the side, allowing me a reprieve from that sharpened gaze until it would return to me somehow twice as intimidating. He would move to me, rounding the bed, until he stood in front of me, close enough to smell that faint scent of pine worn through sweat and the remembrance of alcohol through his pores. “A jerk would have taken advantage of what you were offering last night after you tore off all of your clothes and slipped into bed, begging me to take your virginity...which I could have, easily…” As I could feel myself lessening in anger to him, I recalled the details of how we had awoken.  “And you were SUCH a good guy that you just left me lying here in bed and thought ‘hey, what the hell, might as well sleep next to the naked girl?!” He scoffed before moving even closer to me as I learned the true extent of our difference of height as he stood to where I would need to set my head to an uncomfortable pull and rest.  “You wouldn’t stop saying you felt dizzy and I thought it may ruin your perfect reputation by having to explain to Brennan or your parents or even one of your desperate little friends…” “Then why were YOU undressed?’ he grinned.  “Why were you looking?” He rivaled as I now c****d my jaw as he spoke again.  “I COULD have been naked-would you prefer that?” His fingers pulled at the edges of his boxers as my hands shot up in objection although my lust berated me for ceasing him.  “But your virtue is intact, I promise….” He teasingly drew an ‘x’ over his heart before standing at the door to leave. As I expected him to leave me in this mess of confusion and remaining dizziness, I watched him remain at the door for a moment before speaking to me with only the turn of his head. “I don’t have any interest in tainting something so...perfectly innocent…” His eyes would return to me in sensual romance in place of their recent lust as I would be left in a cloud of befuddlement now rushing between my ears in loud as rapid thoughts. But whether he was acting this way in kindness or by this ‘experiment’ proving fruitful, one thing was for certain...something had changed...