My Peculiar Love

CHAPTER 2: I AM SCARED OF BLOOD

FERN’S POV

            “Fernando Alderidge.” I heard him speak at the door of my room as I was staring at my reflection in the mirror, wearing a loose and undone necktie. I turned around and saw him walking towards my direction.

            “Dad? How long have you been there?” I asked. He kept walking until he reached my spot. He quickly turned my face in the mirror and now, both of us are staring at our clear reflections. He placed his left hand on my right shoulder as he stood tall behind me.

            “You are not a Lexington once you entered our school. You have to be an Alderidge.” He smiled proudly.

            I quickly crossed my eyebrows and shrugged my shoulders so his hand would fall from it. I don’t even want to enroll in Lexington Academy and now he wants me to use my mother’s surname?

            “But why? Do I really need to hide my identity?”  I uttered quite aggressively.

            It’s March now in San Gabriel and I am turning 18 tomorrow. My family has been running Lexington Academy for about 50 years now and for some reason I couldn’t comprehend, I am next in line to be in charge even if I am just entering my early adulthood period. My father plans to hand over this responsibility when I turn 24 and he said that as a part of my training, I need to be enrolled in the institution itself so that I will be familiar on how the system works for the students. I am not ready for this. I am young and I want to have fun.

            “Dad, isn’t it too early for me to take your seat as the owner of the school?” I added before curdling to sit on my bed while messing my hair. I felt the need to stand for myself and tell him my opinion like a brave grown-up he keeps teaching me to be.

            My father proceeded to sit beside me with a straight back. He is truly an honourable man even in his posture. I never saw him become weak even once, even when he held the lifeless body of my mother in his arms 10 years ago. He has a reputation to maintain and tons of responsibilities to do and he has simply no room for weakness, loneliness or even a second wife.

            “Son, I know it’s a bit too much to ask your youth in exchange for responsibilities. But you have to understand that you are the only one next in line to run the school. And it’s better to start your training early when you still have the energy for it.” He explained as if he was doing a lecture to one of his lazy students, back when he was still teaching.

            But for me, it just sounded like a polite way of telling me I have no choice but to obey him. If my mother was here, she’d probably talk my father out of it. She’d probably tell him to let me enjoy my youth because it only comes once. But she isn’t here and I miss her so much. I still cannot accept that she left me so early.

            “Right, dad. I understand.” I whispered hopelessly.

            After giving my father the satisfaction of me agreeing with him, he stood up and walked towards the door to leave my room. And before shutting it, he turned at me one last time and said,

            “Don’t forget our dinner tomorrow.” He smiled as he closed the door.

            The moment that my father was out of sight, I removed the silver necktie that I was wearing earlier and throw it at the computer table near my closet. I shut my eyes and lay in my bed. I imagined my mother singing me to sleep. But instead of having a vivid picture of how sweet she’s tucking me to bed while singing a lullaby, my brain chose to recall how she died right in front of my eyes.

            It was the summer of 2015. Anthony and I were playing in the family garden as our helper, Aunt Lily, was keeping an eye on us.

            “Be careful, kids. Don’t go too far.” She happily reminded us.

            “Yes, Aunt Lily.” We replied obediently in unison before running around the trimmed bushes and marble sculptures.

            “Hey, ‘wanna play hide and seek?” Anthony asked me.

            “Yeah! Let’s do it. You find me.” I countered before running so that Anthony couldn’t do anything anymore but watch me hide.

            Like birds in the sky, we were flying so carelessly. We were just happy playing at the moment knowing that at the end of the day, when we say our goodbyes to each other, we will meet again tomorrow to play another game. We will wash our feet before going to sleep. And when we have nightmares, our parents would allow us to sleep in their bedroom, between their spaces. At least that’s what we believed.

            I run inside our huge house because I wanted to give Anthony a hard time finding me. That’s how competitive I was when I was a kid. I entered our main door which is about 10 feet tall and proceeded to go upstairs. I walked to the left wing of the second floor to reach the guest bathroom.

            I grasped for the knob and when I was about to turn it clockwise, I noticed that the door was already open. I looked down and I saw a red stain at the bottom of the door. And when I turned to look at the ground, I realized that my slippers were soaked in red liquid of what seemed to be blood. I pushed the door open and I was completely frozen to the floor.

            I saw my mother in the bath tub lying weak and naked while the water from the faucet was running to the already full tub. It was flooding here. And the water was red. There was a great amount of blood running down both my mother’s wrists. Right at that moment, I felt a warm and wet sensation down my pants. I didn’t bother to look at it because I knew that I accidentally peed and I was too traumatized to justify it.  My gaze was fixed to my mother’s body and I didn’t know what to do until I heard her calling me.

            “Fernando…” she said in a weak voice.

            I am crying as our eyes met, but I didn’t move. I didn’t dare to take a step closer to her because I was scared. She called me again for the second time and this time, I saw tears running down her cheeks.

            “Fernando, come here.” She said and she stretched her hands in a manner as if she is welcoming me for an embrace.

            The moment she lift her hands, I saw a vertical, deep cut from both her arms with glass shards of what seemed to be remnants of the one she used to harm herself. But she doesn’t seem to be in pain. Mom, you didn’t know how scared I was during that time.

                I noticed that there were pieces of broken glasses on the floor. I traced where it was coming from then I realized that it was from the big bathroom mirror which was already shattered. I quickly put the pieces together and learned that my mother broke the circle mirror to get a sharp piece of glass and use it as a blade to cut herself.

            I gathered all the bravery left with my cold body and closed my eyes. I swallowed the remaining saliva from my almost dried throat and walked towards my mother. I can’t stop crying. Why mom, why? When I reached her arms, she touched my cheeks before embracing me.

            “My son, I love you so much. So much.” She whispered to my right ear and it sent me chills down my spine.

            She held my face and looked at me. She brushed my hair and now my cheeks are painted red from her blood. I couldn’t say anything. I just stood there, crying like an i***t. Her loving gaze quickly turned into a scary stare as she tightens her grip on my face. I started to feel pain and I tried struggling free from her hands but it was no use. I am too weak at the moment.

            “You need to find her. You need to tell her I’m sorry and I’m paying for what I did.” She’s now having difficulty breathing.

            “Tell her I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” She’s now sobbing. I sobbed with her.

            “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it.” She keeps repeating as she touches my forehead with hers. I held her arms but I felt like I haven’t had any strength left.

            With one last tight hug, she fell unconscious in the bathtub and I tried my best to hold her body. She feels extremely heavy back then.

            “Dad! Daaaaad!.” I screamed in horror.

            Suddenly, I felt a movement at the door. I turned to look and it was Anthony,

            “Gotch—“ before he could even finish his word, he witnessed the terrifying situation and his eyes opened wide. He was in much distress as I was.

            “Anthony, call my dad please.” I pleaded to him while sobbing.

            Few seconds had passed when I realized that he had zoned out like me when I first saw my mother dying. I screamed at him until he snapped back to reality and came running down the stairs in attempt to call for help. I kept shouting and crying until the help arrived. It was my dad. He immediately lifted my mother’s body and went straight to the hospital after covering it with the nearest bathroom towel he can find. I followed him up until the first floor but Aunt Lily grabbed my arm and picked me up to her shoulders. I was struggling free but her grip was tight. I was crying so hard.

            “Let me go! let me go!” I shouted but I felt helpless.

            There’s nothing I could do and I felt so bad about it. I watched the front door closed as I hear the siren of the ambulance just outside our house. Everything felt slow and painful. And that was my last memory of my mother.

            I fell asleep remembering my mother’s death, again.

            It’s now 9 o’clock and I woke up from the light of the sun entering through my window with my slightly opened maroon curtains. It feels warm, the relaxing kind of warm. But I rolled over to avoid it anyway since I don’t want to wake up yet. I heard a blasting music coming out from my phone which was hiding at the upper corner of my bed. Someone’s calling me. It rang for about 2 more times before stopping completely. I didn’t bother to pick it up.

            Suddenly, I heard my door busting open. Anthony.

            “I knew you wouldn’t pick up my call.” He nagged as he part my curtains so that sun rays are now all over my room.

            “Wake the hell up, Simba. It’s 9 o’clock. It’s time for your daily training how to roar properly.” He joked.

            I moved my right leg up and grabbed the other pillow that I own and covered up my whole face with it. I am not getting up. I heard Anthony groan. He’s now pissed I guess.

            “Oh no no no. You’re not testing out my patience today just because it’s your birthday!” He walked towards my direction and snatched the pillow covering my face as well as the blanket wrapping up my body. I didn’t realize that it is my birthday today. Fine. I’m getting up. I decided to sit on my bed with my eyes still closed since I’m still too sleepy to interact with Anthony.

            “Why are you so noisy in the morning?!” I gnarled at him. I then proceeded to take a shower and brush my teeth. I got out of the bathroom with a towel hanging down my torso, long enough to cover my lower body. As I was wiping my hair dry, I saw him sitting on my bed, browsing a folder and wearing a formal suit. Why didn’t I saw noticed this earlier?

            When he saw that I walked towards my closet to choose what clothes I will be wearing today, he quickly hid the folder he was holding. I didn’t bother to figure out what’s in it.

            “Sup with that clothes?” I asked him.

            “Oh it’s nothing, I’m just letting myself get used to this kind of clothing once I officially became your secretary. Plus, it’s your birthday, so it is a special day.”

            My family decided that Anthony and I will work hand in hand in running the academy when we reached 24. Unlike me, he gladly accepted his fate.

            “Well I wouldn’t require you to wear formal clothes by then.” I assured him.

            “No, you wouldn’t, because you WILL.” He emphasized.

            “Wearing suit and tie as a uniform while working is my dream because they make me feel professional. And I wouldn’t let you take that away from me.” He argued.

            I took my plain black polo shirt and a pair of jeans to compliment my look. I decided to wear a leather wrist watch from my wide variety of collection to complete my casual look for today. If Anthony’s dream is to wear formal clothes everyday, mine is the opposite. I wish I didn’t have to wear one for the rest of my life. Suit and tie are suffocating me.

            “Whatever.” I shrugged. I then asked him what our agenda is for today and he presented a list of 5 activities that I must accomplish for today. The first one is to visit my psychiatrist. Anthony doesn’t know that I am struggling mentally. He just thinks that I’m regularly going to see my doctor to make sure I am mentally stable and I like to keep it that way.

            We proceeded to go to Alferose Psychiatric Facility and Anthony was the one who drove the car. When we arrived, I told him to wait in the clinic’s receiving area as Dr. Lee greeted me excitedly.

            “I’m still having panic attacks.” I started our conversation inside his clinic.

            “How about nightmares?” He asked me while ticking his pen at the side of his notebook.

            “Sometimes.” I replied.

            “I still can’t bear to see even a drop of blood.” I added.

            Yes, I have an irrational fear of blood. Dr. Lee diagnosed me with that mental condition 2 days after my mother had died.

            “Look, we both know the only way to cure your condition is to face the root of it. There is no use in prolonging your agony. Let me help you with constant therapy, Anthony. I still believe you can overcome your phobia one day. I can give you pills which could help with the attacks but I don’t want your body to become dependent from it. It’s been 10 years already. I think you need to let go of your past.” He explained.

            I need to let go of my past. Sure. If it was just that easy. But no matter how hard I try, I cannot shake out of existence what my mother has told me before dying. I need to find out who is she saying sorry to. I don’t want to forget, I need answers.

            Dr. Lee’s words echoed in my mind as I fulfilled all my tasks for today. When it was already 8pm, I met with my dad in Bing’s Steak House. He told me that the two of us will have dinner despite his busy schedule to celebrate my birthday and I agreed. After all, I didn’t have other plans to end this day.

            “Happy birthday, Fern.” My father is already sitting at the table he reserved when I arrived at the house.

            “Thanks, dad.” I replied with a smile.

            While waiting for our food to arrive, he asked how my day went like any other normal Father would do. And I said it was okay as a form of excuse because I didn’t tell him about my conversation with Dr. Lee since there is no point for it.

            Finally, the food arrived. Out of curiousity, I asked him,

            “Dad, what do you do when you get tired from work?”

            He stopped slicing his meat and gently put his utensils down the side of his plates before looking at me. He also took a sip from his glass of red wine sitting beside his plate.

            “Well I don’t think I ever got tired to the point of giving up.” He stated with a steady voice.

            “Despite doing all your responsibilities at the same time?” I asked. Then I noticed a sad smile that is slowly forming from the corner of his lips.

            “Whenever I feel overwhelmed by my duties and obligations, I stare at the picture of your mother. I imagine him giving me a hug or a forehead kiss, and it’s enough to put my worries to rest.” He explained while staring at his drink.

            “I’m sure mom is so proud of everything you had accomplished for the family.” I tried to comfort him.

            “I’m sure she will be proud of you for the man you are becoming.” He said as we both smiled and finished our food.

            I grew up thinking that my life is already planned because everyday is scheduled. It goes on with constant business trainings, workout hours, lunch and dinner, meditation, consultation with Dr. Lee, more business trainings, and school. Before I knew it, it was already Monday of the second week of August aka the first day of school. Right, I need to deal with my fake studies starting today. Thankfully, according to Anthony’s records, my lecture will start at 3pm. There’s no need to rush to get ready.

            While waiting for the afternoon to arrive, I played video games and exercised. I also updated some business plans to be sent to my father and napped. I woke up at 2 pm and got ready. After taking a quick shower and brushing my teeth, I put on my black khaki pants, wore my black leather belt and dress in my longsleeve top together with the school necktie. As soon as I brushed my hairs with exactly 3 strokes, I’m off to Lexington Academy. I was driving when Anthony called me asking how the first day of school went since our schedule isn’t the same. He is also studying in Lexington as per our parents’ order.

            “What do you mean how’s school? I’m just a few blocks from home and I haven’t arrived yet.” I said quite worriedly.

            “Wait a minute, you didn’t attend your 9am lecture?” He replied.

            I reached for the folder at the passenger seat which contains my school schedule to double check what he is talking about.

            “I just followed the one you se—“ Shoot. I realized that I looked at the wrong column of the schedule Anthony has sent me. Instead of eyeing the first one which states “time in” at 9 am, I carelessly went for the last column which states “time out” at 3pm. Now what do I do.

            “I’ll call you later.” I ended our conversation and went straight to the parking lot of the school. Now that I’m already here, might as well maximize my time. I decided to go to the cafeteria since I’m  hungry anyway.

            Just a few steps from the entrance of the cafeteria, I heard a loud voice. I searched for the source of it and it turns out that it’s coming from the corndog stall.

            “Young lady! Didn’t you see there was a line? Why are you lacking with manners? I guess your parents didn’t raise you well.” She shouted at the girl who seemed to be lost at where the line starts. She must be new here.

            At the left corner of the cafeteria, I saw another lady stood up from her chair and went straight to the girl being shouted upon. It was Mia and it’s evident from her face that she’s up to no good. I need to prevent this event form escalating so I decided to butt in.

            “Don’t you think it’s unethical to put a student into shame by yelling at her and judging her by how she was brought up by her parents you never even met?” I tried my best to be polite at the old lady who seemed to be rude to the new girl and that’s the most polite manner I can give.

            Thankfully, she apologized to her calmly. I turned to look at Mia and she was blushing, but I’m used to it. She said hi but I have no time to entertain her because I’m not interested. Instead, I went to straight to the new girl who is now looking at the ground, just to check on her.

            “Are you okay?” The moment I let out that question, I saw a scratch from her thumb that she failed to cover up by crossing her hands. It is quite bleeding. My heart started to race. I knew from that moment that I will have a panic attack again soon. I also realized that I left my inhaler in my car. Keep calm Fernando, it’s not your mother’s blood. You have to keep yourself together.

            “Y-yes, I’m fine. Thank you.” She whispered but I couldn’t quite hear it well because my vision is starting to blurr. My chest is getting tight and I couldn’t speak anymore. I just patted her back and before I even collapse and embarrass myself, I gathered all my strength left and walked calmly towards the exit.

            Five steps more, Fernando. Keep it together. I started counting my step and I let my breath be in pace with my count.

            Five, four, three, two, one…

            The moment I was out, I run to my car at the parking lot and reached to search for my inhaler. I can’t breathe. I feel numb. Luckily, I got a hold of it before I ran out of breath. Good job, self. I let a heavy sigh of relief as I grab the wheels and drive back home. What a great first day in Lexington Academy.