My Peculiar Love

CHAPTER 4: TODAY'S LESSON

FERN’S POV

            Today, I learned that I got used to my phobia so much that it doesn’t frighten me if soon, I might die from it in a young age. To be honest, I am already expecting it. That is why I want to enjoy my life as much as I could in ways I know how to. I just hope that when I die from a major panic attack, I’ll be laying cold and alone with both my eyes shut in a private place. And of course, I prefer to lose my life in my room since I consider it as the embodiment of my comfort zone- huge and quiet…away from the noisy sound of the world. Just like other normal people, I never want to leave my comfort zone, unless it is extremely necessary. And certainly, I never want to die in my school just to be another ghost story that old students tell to the newcomers in order to scare them away and prevent them from wandering to the grounds. If that happens, I will become a rumor that hunts the Lexington Academy and will eventually affect my family. That idea scares me more than dying.

             Instead of perishing, I realized that I am much more afraid of people finding out that blood is my weakness, that even a single drop of it is more than enough to make me faint and probably, never wake up. I hate that I can have a panic attack at any place and any time. Sometimes, I feel like this phobia is crippling me. Anthony used to say that I should be thankful because it is just blood that terrifies me and not any other bizarre things like trees, rain, a happy face, or cheese. He has a point. But his point does not put me at ease at all.

            The moment I reached our front door, I stood in the facade while holding the glass knob. I rested my head in its wooden body as I was breathing heavily and panting non-stop. My left hand which is loosely hanging from my shoulder is shaking and I find it hard to take another step. It’s a miracle that I drove to our house without getting into an accident.

            Slowly, I reached for the buttons of my polo in the neck. My eyes were shut as the image of the tiny spat of blood I saw from that girl’s hand wouldn’t go away in my thoughts. I wonder how she acquired that fresh wound anyway. And why is she hiding such a small scratch to the public? Does the HR department of our academy hire employees who hurt students physically? I’ve got to ask my father about this once I regained my strength.

            I unbuttoned the collar of my polo and pull my necktie loose to help me catch some air before finally pushing the door open. I am already drenched in sweat the moment I reached the stairs leading to my room. And just as I was about to take my first step up, my attention was caught by one of our helpers.

            “Sir…are you okay?” She asked worriedly.

            When I turned to face her, my eyes are heavy and I would have ignored her if I didn’t see her holding a cellphone and ready to contact my father.

            “Catalina, I am o-okay. Just… need water, I guess. We just played basketball in s-school and it got me feeling tired. You don’t need to call dad.” I replied wearily. I’m sure Catalina noticed my struggle because of the amount of sweat dripping from my forehead. However, I tried my best to show a tiny smile in the corner of my lips to make her believe that I am okay.

            “Okay, sir. I’ll go get you water. Take some rest for now. I’ll bring the glass to your room.” She hurriedly went to the kitchen and once she is already out of my sight, I continued to walk up the stairs while persisting to unbutton the chest and abdomen area of my uniform.

            As soon as I was lying in bed, I grabbed my phone and called Anthony. The phone vibrated for a few seconds before he answered.

            “What is it now?” he muttered in a soft voice as if he is whispering and he didn’t want to be noticed that he is talking with someone over the phone. I guess he’s with someone and not at home.

            “I….blood…” I tried my best to explain my situation but no coherent thoughts are leaving my mouth. All he is hearing are fragmented words which I hope he gets the main point of. I closed my eyes as I continued to breathe deeply while counting in my head. I am still holding my phone to my left ear and Anthony is still on the line.

            “Hey, what happened? Are you okay?” Suddenly, his voice sounded louder on the phone.

            This time, I gathered all my strength and stood up from the bed. I walked towards my huge window and opened it to get some fresh air.    

            “Can you come over? I think I’d be needing your company right now.” I said as I sat in the corner of the window while gazing at the mountain tops at the far horizon. I wiped the sweat dripping from my forehead with the back of my right hand.

            “On my way. I’ll text you when I get there. Is your inhaler with you? How about your medicine?” I laughed at how Anthony sounded like a parent to me. Right now, he is more a father than my dad could ever be. But at the end of the day, Anthony has his own life just like everybody else and I know I couldn’t rely on him forever. But at the moment, he is the only person I can trust.

            “Yeah. How long ‘til you will arrive?” I asked calmly. Gradually, I can feel that I am regaining my strength and my knees aren’t trembling anymore. I can hold the phone more tightly than earlier as well.

            “About 15 minutes if there wasn’t a traffic. Hey, listen… do your breathing exercise okay? Just ease your mind and drink some water. I’ll hang up now.” As soon as he said those words, I heard the engine of his car start. Now, I just have to wait for his arrival.

            I threw my phone in the bedside table and I walked towards my desk, wearing my unbuttoned uniform. I sat in my study counter and turned on my laptop. I then browsed the tiny shelf at the top of my computer and saw some books that Dr. Lee had recommended for me to read before. Majority of it are about spiritual nourishment and how to overcome traumas.  I read the titles of it written in the side, vertically just to kill some time. Some of it I found funny such as 10 Ways to Avoid Real-life Demons, I did not Escaped Death ‘Cause I Survived It, and Just Because only few People Endured, doesn’t mean you don’t Have  A Chance.

            I was interrupted by the knock on my door and a sound of a female voice. Catalina. I almost forgot about her. Right, she said she’ll bring me water. But, the moment I opened the door, I found Anthony holding a glass of water instead and wearing  a concerned yet pissed look on his face.

            “Oh… you’re already here.” I said surprisingly.

            He hurriedly went inside my room aggressively which causes us to bump shoulders. Okay, Anthony. Are you forgetting that I just had a panic attack and I’m still on the process of regaining my strength?  I crossed my eyebrows while staring at him put the glass of water with great force on the table I was sitting just before he came in. It almost got spilled near my laptop. Damn it, Anthony.

            “Wow wow wow. What is up Anth—“ I was cut short as he suddenly spoke with a piercing look in his eyes. He put both his hands in his pocket and said,

            “Do you know what I had to miss in order to attend to your needs? Am I your caregiver? Am I getting paid for this? Are you a baby?” His left eyebrows raised.

            “Why, you want to get paid for coming here?” I asked calmly because I know him well to realize that he is not really mad. I heard that tone of his voice before. He is concerned. I smirked and took the glass of water on the table and drank it in one gulp. Man, I am really thirsty.

            “Yes! Pay me for everything I do for you! I can even change your diapers if you want!” He rolled his eyes and searched my bag for the medicine I was taking. Once he calmed down from his nagging, he turned to me to ask what really happened and I told him the whole story.

            “HAHAHAHAHAHA!” I don’t understand why he bursted out in laughter. I didn’t say anything funny.

            “Why the hell are you laughing? I told you the truth! I really just went to the cafeteria to get some bagels and stuff when I saw a girl being bullied by one of our employees.”

            “HAHAHA-HA….God Fern, you sounded like a typical main character from a w*****d story you know? HA-HAHAHA. It doesn’t suit you at all. Why did you even defended her? Do you know her? Are you her knight in shining armor or something?” He kept on laughing until he went down to lay on my bed in his curling stomach.

            “Oh yeah? You find that funny? How about my panic attack, is that funny too for you?” I pinched his nose hard it went red.

            “Hey! That hurts!” Finally, he stopped laughing and got into a serious tone.

            “Speaking of your attack, man… how did you dealt with it considering you know… this is your first time to have an attack alone. And why on earth didn’t you call me earlier?!” Here goes that tone again.

            “Well…that inhaler helped me a lot. Honestly, I was surprised as to how I handled it as well. I feel like I can do better in the future.” I replied as I brushed his hair like a puppy.

            “Let go of me…If you are so proud that you did well, then why’d you tell me to come here?” he punched my shoulder after saying those.

            “Uhhh…you know… to help me remove my thoughts on that event.” I looked at him straight in the eye so that he would get the idea of what I am talking about.

            He bolted up from my bed and crossed his arms while looking down at me.

            “Fernando Alderidge Lexington…Are you telling me to go to a party with you later at night?” Yes! He got it. It’s been a long time since I had a drink and I’m kind of missing it.

            “Come one Anthony, my treat. Okay?” I keep on persuading him.

            “Fine. I’ll go with you in one condition.” He replied and I got curious about what it is that he wants besides me treating him expensive drinks.

            “Anything!” I yelped.

            “I’ll have someone with me. It’s going to be three boys in a club tonight.” He lifted his chin up and right then I knew, he is serious on what he is saying. I rolled my eyes at the back of my head and covered my whole face with my blanket.

            “Take it or leave it.” I can sense him smirking and walking towards my door. Is he leaving?

            This made me jolt from my bed and I shouted at him…

            “Fine! I’ll treat your friend too!” I said as I noticed his fist clenched and he is trying his best to prevent a smile forming from his face. You got me this time Anthony.

            “Right I’ll just contact him and get ready. Same club at 11pm alright?” He stated as he walked towards the door to exit my bedroom. In just a snap, he is gone to get ready.

            I looked at my phone and realized that it is already 8pm. Right now, I feel like I’m fully recovered from my attack earlier. I drank an energy drink that I randomly found in our fridge to hype me up for the night. I ate a light dinner which was composed of shredded chicken and some mashed avocados, which Catalina had prepared. After dinner, I showered and changed to my attire for the night.

            I chose to wear a black jacket on top of a plain white t-shirt. Besides, we’re just going to have some casual drinks, conversations, and a little bit of dancing, I guess. I don’t really plan on getting wasted drunk this night. I also picked up my black cap, watch, and my wallet filled with cash since I knew I’ll be spending a lot of money tonight.

            “Yeah, I’m on my car now…. Be there shortly.” I am taking with Anthony on the phone while starting the engine of my car. I drove out of our garage through the fountain in the entrance area and finally to the front gate. Once I left the vicinity of our house, I drove in a full speed while playing an upbeat music in a full volume. Hell yeah! I surpassed my panic attack and it’s time to celebrate!

            I am headed to Lexhub’s bar, near Malvar drive. But as soon as I reached Jolie street in Roosevelt, I shockingly saw a little girl trying to reach for her doll in  the freeway where my car is headed to. Oh God, no. I am at full speed. Where are this little girl’s parents? I honked at the child but she didn’t seem to notice that I am already near her location and my car is not slowing down. My heart is now racing and my eyes were fixed at the child in front of me. I can feel how my pupil is dilated as I am having my mouth and throat dried of saliva. With the greatest force I can ever give, I stepped on the break of my car and pressed the emergency slowed down button beside the radio and just hope for the best. I closed my eyes tightly and I heard my tires screeching and until it eventually stopped.

            I am still crunched over the steering wheel when I heard the cry of the little girl. Oh no, oh no. I am in trouble. I hurriedly went out of my car and ran towards the child.

           “Little girl, are you okay?” I asked her in all concern while scanning her body for possible wounds or bruises that I have caused. Thankfully there are none. There are no blood either which made me feel at ease.  

            “Mommy, mommyyyy!!!!” She kept on crying and pointing at the doll on the ground. When I turned to look at the direction she is looking, I realized that I ran over her pink ragged doll’s hand.

            “I’m so sorry, baby. Here, here. I’ll get it for you.” I comforted her as I slowly pull her doll from the wheel of my car carefully so that I wouldn’t rip it. And suddenly, she stopped crying.

            “Twank you.” She said while still sniffing and caressing her doll. This child is so cute.

            “What’s your name?” I asked before smiling and looking her straight in the eye. Right now, I am in a hunched position so I can level with her stance.

             “Me..Sandwy. This…I-wene.” I find how she cannot pronounce the letter “R” so cute.

             “Oh hello, Sandry? Why are you outside the house this late at night? And why is Irene laying on the ground?” I noticed that this child is wearing her pj’s and probably does not have the intention to play outside the house at this time.

              “I-wene fell fwom up thew…” She replied politely while pointing and looking up. I followed her gaze and I realized how big this little child’s house is. She is pointing at the open window in the third floor with the purple curtain hanging outside

              “I see. Is that your room? Where are your parents?” I asked again as I brushed her shoulder-length hair away from her face. She simply nodded and told me that her parents are gone when suddenly, we are both caught up by the sound of the gate opening from her house.

              “Cawmenn!!!” Shouted Sandry as she came running towards the middle-aged woman who appeared to be her guardian.

               “Sandra! Oh Lord, what are you doing outside the house! Come on inside you little girl.” She said as she lifted up the child and went inside the house. Before clicking the door locked, she looked at me and said, “Thank you…Drive safely.”  In a cold voice.

               “Wait, I –“ I was about to ask her if I caused any damage to the doll and the child herself that I didn’t notice and tell her that I am willing to compensate but my phone which is in my pocket vibrated suddenly. The moment I saw Anthony calling, the door is already shut closed and I saw the lights being turned off. I headed back to my car and answered Anthony’s call.

                “FERNNN!! WHERE ARE YOUUUUU?!!” I held the phone away from my ears as soon as I heard the loud upbeat music coming from the line which barely made Anthony’s voice audible.

                “I’m near there already…just wait for me.” I went inside and drove to the bar just like what we talked about. The moment I arrived, I noticed that Anthony is already drunk and grooving at the dance floor.

                “FERNNNNN…THERE YOU ARE!” He screamed at the top of his lungs to be able to catch my attention amidst the loud sounds. When he walked towards me, his face has already turned red. How can someone be this drunk in just a short period of time? He proceeded to hug me tight and I immediately let go of his grip.

                “Hey, you’re already drunk.” I laughed at him before asking where is his friend that he said he’ll be bringing along to party with us.

                “Ohhh right.. I almost forgot…Come and I’ll introduce you to him.” He grabbed me by the hand and pulled me to the table near the stage. Once we reached the table, I saw a buffed man which looks like in the same age as ours.

                “Fern, meet Mark. Mark, Fern.” He said while standing in the middle of us, as he introduced the both of us to each other.

                I noticed that this man is wearing jeans and a denim jacket. Honestly, I am not in the mood to interact with a stranger today but because he is a friend of Anthony, I decided to shake hands with him.

                “Sup?” I asked Mark.

                “Sup, man?” He replied.

                “I keep asking him to go and dance with me in the stage but he keeps declining.” Anthony told me irritatedly yet playfully.

                “Nah, Tony, I’m just not really in the mood, I just came here to drink. Go on, have some fun, don’t worry about me.” Mark uttered.

                Did he just call him Tony? Pfftt. Similar to Mark, I too have only the agenda to drink and take my mind off things instead of dancing to death. I second Mark’s thoughts and told Anthony to not worry because I will gladly keep his friend company.

                “Are you two sure?” Anthony asked while holding a shot glass in his right hand, ready to drink it.

                “Yeah. We’ll just sit here and talk.” I replied while nodding at Mark.

                “Fine, you both are just wasting this wonderful night.” Anthony concluded before drinking his alcohol in one gulp and running to the center stage once again and grooved with his newly met companions.

                Mark and I sat down the table and I ordered some drinks and snacks. This isn’t bad, he seemed like a nice guy.

                “So, how did you meet Anthony?” I started a conversation with Mark.

                “Oh, we met online.” He replied coldly.

                “Is that so? I didn’t think Anthony is into those things.” He laughed after I said those words. But I am serious, I always thought that he is not interested in forming friends online.

                “We uhhh… we met on Bumble.” He added and I almost spit out the alcohol in my glass.

                “You…what? You mean, you two are dating?” I asked upsettingly.

                “Yep, didn’t he tell you? Oh… I thought he did.” He replied shockingly but in a calm voice.

                I stared at him for a few seconds before speaking. I mean I don’t have anything against anyone’s sexuality but I thought that Anthony and I aren’t keeping any secrets together. Damn. Is this all I got to know?

                “Hey.. uhm… sorry about my reaction. I have nothing against anyone’s sexuality, man. I’m just surprised that he didn’t tell me he have a boyfriend. The last time I checked, he was dating a girl like a few months back.” I immediately regretted what I said. That was insensitive and I shouldn’t have told him that.

                “Nah, it’s fine man. Just wait for him to open up okay? Maybe he’s not yet ready to speak up and still gathering some courage unlike me who is openly gay.” He got a point though. But, how long has he been hiding this to me?

                “Right.” I said simply and looked at Anthony on the dance floor having fun. How come I didn’t notice this before?

                The next morning, I woke up at 8:30 am with a throbbing head and I didn’t really care if I was late for school or not. In fact, I planned not to go for today but I realized that I need to keep a good record of myself at school for my father to not intervene with how I live my life. So, I decided to go to the Academy at 9:30.

                I took a medicine to ease my headache, particularly a pain reliever pill. I decided to wear my black cap from last night to be able to hide my hangover from my classmates. I tried calling Anthony but he wouldn’t pick up. He’s probably still asleep since he’s the one drank the highest amount of alcohol from us three. I’ve got to ask him about Mark.

                I hurriedly went to my car and drove to Lexington Academy at 9:20. I drove as fast as I could but not fast enough to get arrested. The moment I arrived at the front of the classroom I was assigned to be at, I heard a man’s voice which is coming from the front area of the room where the whiteboard lies. Shoot, the professor’s already here and it seems like he is already giving tasks for my classmates to do.

                As I was about to open the door, I listened to our professor’s question, “Who’s going to pair up with Ms. Margot?”

                Upon hearing this, I decided to peep through the window first and to my surprise, I saw the girl from the cafeteria standing while looking down. I scanned the whole classroom and I saw Mia too. She is angrily staring at her and I think I know where this will lead again.

                “No one wants to, sir.” I heard Mia say and everybody laughed.

                The cafeteria girl who is still standing decided to put herself together and stand confidently. As she lifted up her head to face our professor, I removed my black cap and opened the door to enter the classroom. I can feel how all of them are shocked by my presence as the atmosphere is slowly falling silent.

                 “Sir, I am just wai—“ I decided to pair with her to save her from humiliation. I don’t exactly know why but there is something about her that is telling me that I need to do this.

                “I’ll pair up with her.” I said while walking towards the center of the room.

                Once I felt that it’s getting awkward with silence, I decided to walk towards her location, directly in front of her. I noticed that she slightly took a step back.

                ‘I’ll pair up with her.” I repeated in a polite manner.

                “Alright Mr. Alderidge, you are now paired with Ms. Margot. Everything’s settled now.’ Mr. Black uttered professionally as he proceeded to set up his projector to start with the lesson. All of my classmates took their seats and I saw that the chair beside Ms. Margot is empty so I asked if she could let me sit beside her. And why am I getting nervous for no reason?

                “Hey, can I uh—sit beside—“ I haven’t even finished my sentence yet when she interrupted me.

                “Y-yes. Of course.” She replied while she pushed back her chair a little bit so I can have a room to walk to in order to sit beside her. The chair made a loud noise, though.

                We listened to Mr. Black’s lecture for about 45 minutes and waited for his final instructions for the task we will be doing.

                “Today, we will delve in to the topic of interpersonal attraction.” He said as he leaned in the corner of the teacher’s table, legs and arms crossed while holding a remote on his left hand.

                “As a part of social psychology, it is the study of the attraction between people which leads to the development of platonic or romantic relationships. It is distinct from perceptions such as physical attractiveness, and involves views of what is and what is not considered beautiful or attractive.” He explained before proceeding to roam the class, determined to get our undivided attention.

                When I faced Ms. Margot, I noticed that she is patiently listening to Mr. Black while taking down notes in her pastel green colored notebook. Her penmanship is neat and way prettier than mine. But I don’t take notes anyway so it doesn’t matter I guess. I observed her silently and I noticed that she has an average physique and long eyelashes. Her eyebrows are quite thick too but it is neatly trimmed. She is wearing a small amount of blush in her cheeks just enough to make her eyes stand out.

                “There are many factors that lead to interpersonal attraction. Studies suggest that all factors involve social reinforcement. The most frequently studied include physical attractiveness, propinquity, familiarity, similarity, complementarity, reciprocal liking, and reinforcement…. What can you say about this, Mr. Alderidge?” I couldn’t quite comprehend what our professor just said because I am observing Ms. Margot carefully. But I know that he keeps on explaining in a monotone voice with a volume loud enough to be heard by the whole class.

                Suddenly, Ms. Margot turned to look my way and my heart started to race. She had this expression of concern and seriousness because I noticed her tucked her lips and put her hair behind in her ears before finally looking away from my direction. When I was about to turn away as well, I noticed that Mr. Black is standing in our area and the whole class is staring at me except for my seatmate.

                “Mr. Alderidge, please tell us your opinion on whether we get attracted to someone because of its complementary purpose or mirroring purpose.” I looked up and now our professor is leaning towards the desk in front of me and Ms. Margot, eager to hear my answer.

                I stood up and I can sense that my classmates are whispering again and looking towards my direction for some reason I couldn’t figure out.

                “I…uhhh….” I started to speak. I am organizing my thoughts so that I wouldn’t humiliate myself in front of these 30 people.

                “Go on.” Mr. Black urged.

                “Personally sir, I am attracted with a woman who complements me rather than mirrors my personality and attitude. Simply because I think that it is way more fun and exciting to be having to learn something new through that person about the things you lack knowledge about. I also find women who are quite strange or weird for the mundane eyes, attractive…But, I can only speak for myself of course.” I said while standing up. I can feel the whole class being silent. The moment I turned to look at Ms. Margot, I discerned that she is looking back at me in a fixed gaze. My eyes suddenly shifted to her hands and I noticed that her scratch in thumb is now gone, without a trace or even a scar. That is strange.

                “Alright, thank you Mr. Alderidge, you’re right. In fact according to studies, whether forming a romantic relationship or simply creating a friendship, people will naturally mirror each other once they start spending adequate time with them. And this always happen subconsciously, guess it’s better to find someone who complements your energy.” He ended the discussion with that statement.

                “Now shall we move to the task you will be doing? Ah, yes. I want you to observe your assigned pair until the end of the semester and write a 50-page analysis paper regarding the question I will be posting in the Google classroom. It has something to do with the qualities you find attractive to your pair. Make sure that your work is supported by facts and scientific explanations because you will be defending that at the end of the semester….” With that being said, the school bell rang which indicates the end of the class.

                So, this woman and I will be observing each other for 6 months. Interesting. As everybody else is already standing up to leave the place, I noticed that she didn’t placed back her notebook inside her bag and stood quickly before excusing herself from me.

                She took two steps away while I am still sitting on my chair. Once she is already in front of me, she reached for her phone and dialled a number. And while waiting for that person to pick up and answer, I noticed that she is fidgeting.

                That’s when I decided to stand up and go to her direction. For some reason, I’m getting more curious about this woman.

                “Ms. Margot….” I tried to catch her attention but she wouldn’t bother. Maybe she didn’t hear my voice.

                “Uhhh… Ms. Marg—“ I was about to reach for her shoulder when suddenly, Mia walked in front of her and bump her body intendedly with the brown handbag she is carrying. This caused her to trip and lose grip of her notebook and cellphone which then fell on the floor. But before her body could even touch the ground, I hurried to her direction and catch her just in time. His back fell into my arms and her hands touched my torso. I was bent towards her and she is facing me with eyes wide open and lips separated from each other.

                “Are you okay?” I asked her while we are still in that position. My heart is racing like crazy.

                Mia and her friends are staring from the corner including some of our classmates. Luckily, Mr. Black is already out of the room so he didn’t get a chance to witness this commotion.

                “I am okay…” She quickly let go of my grip and stood up straight as if nothing happened. She was about to walk away and pick up her things from the ground when I spoke once again.

                “Are you free…later?” I asked nervously. Seriously Fernando, what’s that for?

                This made Mia to form a sour face together with her friends and they walked out of the room annoyed.

                “Tch…” I heard her murmur but I didn’t bother to turn her way.

                Ms. Margot, the cafeteria girl stood up from the ground and turned to face me with an expressionless face. A few seconds later, she responded confidently.

                “I am.” She answered with her heads up.

                “Great.” I smiled towards her.