Divided Hearts

Chapter 2-2

Robert woke first the next morning. Nathaniel was still cradled in his arms. Robert could feel his soft breathing against the smooth skin of his chest. He sighed contentedly.

He didn’t know what the previous night had meant to Nathaniel. But to him it had meant everything. It was his first encounter with a man…and not just any man. Nathaniel Morgan had been the object of his amorous feelings since the day he came to Newburyport and was taken on as an apprentice. Knowing from the beginning that Nathaniel’s heart belonged to another, he had buried his emotions and became the perfect friend, confidant, and shoulder to cry on when the events of those last months in Massachusetts had forced Nathaniel to make a decision to leave and settle in The Ohio Country.

Once there, Robert had hoped that with the passage of time Nathaniel’s feelings for Jonathan would mellow, and he would be able to find love with someone new: that someone, of course, Robert hoped would be him. But despite the months that had gone by, and the obvious respect Nathaniel had for him, he, until the previous night, had not shown any indication of having special feelings for the young man. Was that due to the age difference? Or the fact that Robert was half Indian? Or was it that his love for Jonathan ran so deep that he would never be free to love again?

Then last night happened. True, there was no declaration of love, and what had transpired could be construed as merely satisfaction of physical need; however, Robert found in it reason to hope.

As these thoughts were playing in his mind, he became aware of two things almost simultaneously: he was completely aroused and wanted desperately to repeat the events of the previous evening, and he also had an urgent need to relieve himself. He cursed the timing of sensations so in conflict with each other. He reluctantly slid his arms out from under the sleeping Nathaniel and slipped out of bed. He tiptoed across the room, through the main part of the cabin and out into the early pre-dawn light.

Shivering, he had to wait a few moments until his aroused state abated enough to allow him to urinate. Having completed this act, he returned to the bedroom, hoping to find Nathaniel still abed. As he entered the room, he saw that his wish had been granted, as Nathaniel was still soundly sleeping. He had turned over on his other side facing away from Robert. The young man slipped back into bed and molded himself against Nathaniel’s back. He felt his organ brush against the firm flesh of Nathaniel’s buttocks. Hesitating only a moment, he pressed himself into the crevice. He sighed and placed his arm over Nathaniel’s sleeping form, and cradled his muscular chest in his hand.

After a few minutes, Nathaniel stirred. Robert was about to say something, when Nathaniel’s hand covered his, intertwining their fingers together. Soon he began to contract his gleutial muscles, massaging Robert’s p***s as he did. Thrilling sensations passed through Robert’s body, feelings he had never experienced before. As Nathaniel continued to stimulate his organ, he took Robert’s hand and moved it slowly down his body. The sensation of Nathaniel’s thick, soft hair caressing his hand nearly drove him to his climax. Nathaniel must have sensed this, because he slowed his manipulations and lessened the pressure on Robert’s organ. Nathaniel continued to guide Robert’s hand, until it passed through the coarser pubic hair and touched his p***s. Robert shuddered. Skillfully, Nathaniel placed Robert’s hand around his erect organ and encouraged a stroking motion. Robert quickly understood what he was to do and began a steady rhythm. Nathaniel then resumed his ministration to Robert; synchronizing their movements. With expertise born of years of practice, Nathaniel was able to bring them to the peak of excitement at the same moment. The sensations were exquisite for Robert. Having never before experienced physical love with a man, he was in ecstasy.

As they lay there, allowing the rhythms of their hearts and breathing to return to normal, he buried his face in the rich, dark hair on Nathaniel’s neck. After a time, Nathaniel turned to face him. Robert moved forward to kiss him; feeling love he knew would cause him to burst. Nathaniel turned away from the kiss and pressed his face into Robert’s neck. Robert closed his eyes and bit his lip. He slipped from his mountain peak of happiness into a valley of sadness. His love was not being returned. This act was not born out of love, but out of physical need.

Nathaniel snuggled more deeply against him, tightening his hold on the young man’s body. Robert bent and kissed the top of Nathaniel’s head. The older man stirred against him again. For a long while they lay together: Robert stroking Nathaniel’s head, Nathaniel clinging to him, breathing deeply.

After a time, the sun pierced through the window. Nathaniel sat up, turned away from Robert and left the bed. He walked away, leaving Robert lying alone with his confused thoughts and emotions.

Robert watched the muscular buttocks as Nathaniel bent, picked up his trousers and, still with his back to him, put them on. He left the room. Robert sighed deeply, lying back against the bolsters. He could hear Nathaniel in the outer room. He was laying a fire. Robert rose from the bed and put on his pants.

He walked through the doorway and stopped. Nathaniel was still shirtless. He stood by the sideboard, fixing their morning meal, the light from the sun through the window illuminating the thick rug of hair on his chest. Robert felt his organ stir in his pants. He longed to cross the room and enfold him in his arms and declare his love for him and for Nathaniel to return the words he longed to hear.

Nathaniel looked up from his task and smiled weakly. “Good morning,” he said.

“Good morning,” Robert returned. He felt awkward. Normally the two men talked animatedly about the coming day. That morning he felt they were strangers.

“Breakfast is almost ready. I have enough water for the coffee, but need more. Would you get some?”

Robert nodded. He walked to the door, bending to pick up the wooden bucket that sat next to the sideboard. When he straightened, he looked directly into Nathaniel’s eyes.

For a moment he thought the older man was going to speak. But the moment passed with Nathaniel smiling wanly once more and giving Robert only a slight nod.

Outside in the early morning light and the fresh air, Robert sighed deeply as he hooked the bucket to the well rope and lowered the vessel into the dark opening. As he pulled the brimming pail to the surface, he admonished himself to be more understanding of his friend. He had lost the love of his life. He needed time to adjust. If he, Robert, truly loved him, he would provide him with the space he needed to make those adjustments. Had not Nathaniel turned to him for comfort? Did that not mean Nathaniel needed him? He had to be patient, give him a chance to accustom himself to the idea of Jonathan being part of his past instead of his present. Surely Nathaniel would grow to love him, if not to the extent that he had loved Jonathan, at least love him.

With this resolve, Robert returned to the cabin. As he entered the building, he could smell bacon cooking on the fire, and the aroma of coffee brewing. Nathaniel came forward and took the pail from him, he returned to the counter and ladled water into a cooking pot to make porridge. Robert had seen him do these things so often. This morning it seemed different somehow. This morning there was a change in their relationship. He hoped that change would continue to unfold.

Nathaniel had dressed while Robert was outside. He turned to the young man.

“You have time to finish dressing before we eat.”

Again, Robert mutely nodded. He returned to the bedroom and finished clothing himself. When he returned to the kitchen, Nathaniel was seated at the rough-hewn table. Robert took his seat. He looked across the table at his partner: his eyes were lowered, he did not speak. Picking up his fork, Robert began eating. After a time, Nathaniel’s hand covered his. He looked up.

“Robert, I am sorry.”

“Sorry?”

“Yes, I took advantage of our friendship. I let my need overcome my good sense. Be assured I won’t let it happen again. Forgive me?”

Stunned by these words, Robert sat as if turned to stone.

“Robert?”

Robert blinked and shook his head slightly as if waking. He increased the pressure on the hand that held his.

“There is nothing to forgive,” he said almost in a whisper. “I…I was glad to be there when you needed me. I will always be there. You must know that? You must know that I lo…” His next words were cut off.

Nathaniel smiled, “You are a good friend. Thank you.”

With those words he rose from the table and began to clear away the dishes. Robert’s mind reeled. He wanted to tell this man that he needed him as much as he was needed, that he welcomed the physical love they shared, that he longed to be to him all he needed, emotionally, spiritually. But he said nothing. He rose and began to help with the morning chores.