The Dysfunctional Test

Chapter 3

Life Lessons According to Camryn:

Family trees full of nuts have nothing on me. My family is temperamental.

Half temper, half mental.

The second Camryn's sister unlocked the front door to the family home, Emily barreled inside the door, pigtails bouncing. "Grandma, Grandpa, Auntie Cam started a fire at work. And she got an erection!"

Camryn stepped inside the door and dropped her suitcase at her feet. She pinched her eyes closed seconds after her eighty-five-year-old Baba spit coffee out of her mouth faster than the recorded speed of light.

Heather rushed over to Baba's recliner and smacked their grandmother on the back to dissolve her coughing fit. "Jeez, Emily. You're worse than the iPhone spell-check. Auntie Cam didn't start a fire, she got fired. And it's not an erection, it's eviction."

Their father's bald head gleamed from the sun shining through the window as he shook his head in shame.

Their mother waddled into the small living room from the kitchen, rollers in her hair and a towel slung over her shoulder. "You started a fire at work? And what's this about an erection?"

Camryn walked over to Baba and kissed her cheek. "You okay? Need a heart pill?"

Baba waved her hand. "Stop fussing. I'm old, not dead. An erection is how I conceived your mom, you know."

"TMI, Baba," Heather said.

"It's an MRI, you twit!" Baba professed. "And my hip is fine. The doctor said so last week."

"No, Baba," Heather said, exasperated. "TMI means too much information."

"Why did you ask about the results then?"

Welcome home.

Camryn sighed and sat next to her father on the only thing older than the carpetthe couch. It was a shade lighter than the dark brown shag. According to old family photos, it used to be white. Nothing ever changed at home.

"Camryn Covic, you answer me," her mother demanded.

She thought of responding with the first line of "Who's on First," but changed her mind. Her family didn't appreciate the ironic similarities between them and Abbott and Costello.

"I got let go from work on Monday. And my apartment building was sold. I have to move."

Her mother's eyes narrowed to slits. Her hands fisted on her hips. Camryn waited for steam to billow out her nostrils and her foot to stomp. Any second now, she'd charge like a mad bull. Too bad the drapes weren't red. Camryn could tear them down and divert her stampede.

Instead of charging, Mom harrumphed. "What's that got to do with an erection?"

"Nothing, Mother. Never mind."

"What did you do to get fired?" This from Dad.

"Budget cuts."

"Where are you going to live?" her mom asked, anger gone from her face and worry replacing it. Worry was worse than anger.

"She's not sharing my room," Baba claimed. "She snores."

"Mother, please," Mom said. "Camryn got herself into another mess. It doesn't matter if she snores or not."

Another mess? "I don't snore."

Baba slapped her hand down on her thigh, causing her knee-highs to drop to ankle-lows. "How do you know? You're asleep."

Heather, ever the peacemaker and good child, said, "Camryn is staying here until we leave for Colorado. Then she'll stay with Justin and I until she finds an apartment." A halo popped over her sister's head.

"In Milwaukee?" Mom asked. "You're coming home for good?"

Camryn prayed she'd remembered to pack a Valium. "It was Chicago, Mom. Not a third-world country."

Her father took a drink of beer. "Could've fooled me. s**t-cago, I say. You're not a Bears fan now, are you? 'Cause you're not staying here if you are."

"Never mind that," Baba interjected. "How is Heather supposed to have marriage s*x with this one snoring in the next room?"

Mom covered Emily's ears. "Don't listen, sweetie pie."

Camryn dropped her forehead in her hands. "Too late for that."

"Wait a minute," Mom said, an epiphany blooming. "What about your boyfriend? Won't he miss you in Chicago? He was supposed to escort you to the wedding. Where is he?"

Camryn figured her mom was looking around the room as if Camryn had hidden him somewhere. She was glad her head was still buried in her hands because all the imagination in the world wouldn't have masked her wince. "About that-"

"He lives in Milwaukee," Heather said, louder than necessary.

All eyes turned to Heather, including Camryn's. "Heather."

"He'll be here Thursday night for dinner. He's still coming to the wedding. Don't worry."

Camryn stood, grabbed her sister by the arm, and dragged her into the kitchen. "What are you doing? I told you this wasn't happening."

Heather had the audacity to look upset. "Cam, if you don't do this for you, and God knows you should, then do it for me. Look at them." She pointed in the general direction of the living room. "That's only three family members. Add in the yjakas and tetakas, and it'll be a mess. They're going to embarrass me royally without trying to serve you up on a spinster martyr plate."

Great. Just great. She was playing the guilt card. Camryn pictured their yjakas and tetakasSerbian translation, uncles and auntsplus the kumas and kumosgodparentsand she could understand Heather's dismay.

"Troy hasn't even agreed to this yet."

And darn it, she was caving.

Heather removed her arm from Camryn's hold. "He will. You know he will."

Yeah, he would. Camryn sighed. What was one more humiliation in a long line? "Fine, Heather. I'll talk to Troy. But you owe me."

"You can have our firstborn," she joked.

"Oh no. I'll never hear the end of the single mother shame I bestowed on the family."

The front door squeaked open and Camryn's eyes rolled, wondering who else could add to this day. They went around the corner to find her brother, Fisher, and his wife, Anna.

Emily ran up to them and leapt for a big hug. "Auntie Cam started a fire and got an erection. Baba had one for Grandma, too. Auntie Heather can't have s*x with Auntie Cam snoring. Oh, and s**t is a bad word. We can't say it."

Fisher nearly dropped his daughter. "What the hell?" He looked around the room. "She was only with you for a day!"

Anna smiled, but tried to hide it by pressing her mouth closed. Emily looked just like her with golden brown curls and massive blue eyes. But, unlike her daughter, Anna knew when to shut her beautiful red mouth.

"Hell's a bad word, too."

Right. Camryn picked up her purse from beside the couch. Even facing Troy with the proposal was better than this craziness.

"And I'm leaving. I'll be back later." Maybe.