All of our demons

Two: One step forward, two back

She wanted to hold her head high as she walked through the crowded school courtyard however all she did was give a small shy smile as she passed a group of girls who stopped talking as she got closer to them. There judgmental eyes met her smile and one of the girls returned her smile but the two others sneered at her. It felt like everyone was looking at her as she made her way to the maths block to her form-room. Anxiety fuelled her body the constant stairs of other pupils made her feel uncomfortable. Everyone is staring at me because I’m so fat She said to herself. The cream and blue hallways were exactly the same as last year no new posters. Only the same old anti bullying posters and give one hundred and ten percent! Mia felt like she put one hundred and fifty percent into her school work and it still was not good enough.

She took a seat at the back in the corner hoping her form tutor wouldn’t make a seating plan and move her to the front. Her mum told her that she received an email informing her that teachers were taking the necessary steps to ensure Mia health was a priority at school this year. Which meant she was going to be seeing the school councillor probably four out of five school days and sat at or near the front of the class. There was no one in the room when she entered but students soon filed in filling the room with all their chaos. The loud noises and voices of her classmates irritated Mia mostly because she was jealous, she didn’t have friends to chat with. The students saw her sitting quietly looking alone in the back but did not make any moves to include her. ‘Did you hear Greyson is coming back to school!’ One of the girls said catching her attention. She was standing with her friends around the desks. Three girls and one boy. Mia could almost see the pleasurable shivers running down her spine at the mere mention of his name. She had never met Greyson and was grateful for that. She had probably seen him walking around school before he left.

Having never interacted with him like most students she heard the whispers about him. He was supposedly the schools top dog even sixth formers were scared of him. Everyone bowed down to him even those who didn’t know what he was. Mia feared him slightly. No teenage boy should hold that much power that even teachers wouldn’t dare speak ill of him.

‘No way! I wonder what class he’ll be in.’ Another one of the girls spoke as the other said ‘Oh my god I hope he’s in all of mine!’.

The boy gawked at them as if they were dumb. ‘I don’t’ he said. ‘He’s a psycho, do you not remember what happened before he left. He beat the s**t out of some year nine kid and his nineteen year old brother. The boy ended up in intensive care for a week and everyone says the brother died.’ Mia nearly choked on her water. Surly he would be in jail if he killed someone. The scrawny blond boy stressed. ‘Everyone said he got sent away, surly the school wouldn’t let him back after that. They have a zero tolerance on bullying.’ At the mention on bullying the room fell silent, some students who tuned into the conversation looked pitifully towards Mia, others not bothered.

Zero tolerance my ass.

‘Who’s form is he in?’ The girls said.

‘I heard he doesn’t start till next week.’ The volume in the room decreased when a tall figure walked in people started taking a seat at their desk of choice.

‘Morning, how was everyone’s summer?’ Mr Allen said strolling into the classroom placing his laptop onto the desk at the front. Mia drew her attention away to the window peering out at the few students who were running late to form-time on the first day back from summer. Mr Allen whistled to get everyone attention but honestly there was no need for that as he already had most people’s attention when he entered the room. He was a good looking man, tall and well built. Dark hair and bright eyes. Not to mention the fact that he was 25. Most of the sixth form girls flirted with him. Even the year 11 girls but not Mia. No. Never Mia. She didn’t have the slightest idea how to talk to boys let alone flirt with them. They didn’t bother with her not since she stopped hanging round with Bethany and she liked that, boys made her nervous she never knew how to talk to them. Bethany and Ava did all the talking Mia stood there like a voiceless lemon.

Mia took out her planner once given her time table and looked over her lessons for the day deciding that Monday was going to be least favourite school day. Science and math, then after a brake English and P.E last before lunch time and an hour meeting with her school councillor. Everyone was buzzing with their summer stories of tanning in the sun or skiing some even casual hook-ups over the holidays. Scanning the room she found Bethany entering looking as beautiful as ever. Her long ginger locks curled in big loose curls down her back to her mid waist, skin flawless as always and light glowy makeup. Her eyes locked on Mias from across the room and she did nothing. Not even a snarky smile. Absolutely nothing and that scared Mia, giving her a tight lipped smile Mia hoped she would return and they could begin to patch up there broken friendship.

Mr Preston knocked on the door and walked in ‘Mr Allen, can I talk to you and Mia Holland please.’ All eyes went to her wondering why she was being spoken to. She could not have gotten in any trouble yet she only just arrived at school. Bethany’s stare had never left her and followed the brunet out the door with no emotion on her face. Mia could have sworn she saw guilt in her eyes before she left the room.

Mr Preston started talking when the classroom door fully closed. ‘I want to start by saying how proud I am of you for last year you did amazingly in your mock GCSE’S.’ She muttered a quiet thankyou avoiding eye contact. ‘I wanted to pull you aside and just let you know my office doors are always open to you for anything you might need. How are you Mia?’

‘I’m fine, thank you. Much better.’ The words tasted sour on her tongue. It angered her that her parents had gone as far as to call the school and ask them to keep an eye out on her. It was embarrassing for her.

‘I have given Mr Allen a green card to give you and any other struggling students so if you feel like your lessons are becoming overwhelming you can just give the card to your teacher and leave the lesson for as long as you need. Either you sit in the library and do some work or you can come and join me in my office.’ Grate, she still smiled and said thank you as he explained she would be meeting the new school councillor four days a week and him once a week before being excused to go back to the classroom.

The day was going extremely slowly and by the time lunch rolled around and everyone practically ran to the café. When Mia arrived it was a blur of students in a blue uniform, girls all in pleated plaid skirts and guys all in black trousers with Blue blazers that matched the girls blazers. The school logo stitched onto the right side breast pocket. Standing at the solid wooden doors she clutched her school bag tightly debating whether or not to enter that busy food canteen. She peered in seeing just how busy it was not a single table free. Her heart was pounding in her chest all of those students all care free and enjoying listening to their friends stories while the only story she would have to tell would be the one about being locked up in a nut hospital with a bunch of people who have the same problem as her.

‘Are you going to continue to stand there like some useless cow or are you going to move?’ A voice hissed from behind her.

Useless cow. Because she was so fat so big that she was now deemed a fat cow by people around her. Had she really allowed herself to get that big that she was comparable to a cow. She knew it. She knew she was getting fatter all of her doctors told her she was improving she getting much better. They lied everyone lied to her. They wanted her to get fat. ‘Are you going to move? You are standing in the way no one can get passed you?’ he hissed again.

Passed me because I’m so fat I take up that much space. Her mind was on overdrive. He shoved her out the way while his words bounced around in her head. He didn’t realise the damage simple words caused her. ‘Stupid b***h’ he breathed as he strutted passed her pushing her out of the way walking towards his friends.

‘Are you okay?’ Mia was shocked by who spoke to her. Blond with bright blue eyes helped her steadied herself on her feet. Mia nodded her head avoiding eye contact with the girl. ‘Are you sure, that was a pretty hard shove.’ She tutted mumbling about how people were such assholes. ‘I should rip that d***s head off’ Mia caught the girls arm as she sauntered of to the boy who shoved her. The blond seamed very content to cause the boy bodily harm.

Cow. ‘No, please it okay thank you.’ Cow. Fat cow. The blond looked like she was going to protest but Mia begged her. ‘Please Lexie. Please just leave it.’

Tilting her head ‘You know my name.’ she said with a smile and confusion in her eyes. how could she not know who she was she looked just like her. Like Millie. Not to mention everyone knew Lexie. She was one of the prettiest and the most untouchable girls at the school. Many guys had tried to woo her and ask her out but she always declined. She was unattainable and maybe that’s what they liked most about her she was a challenge. Lexie was every guys wet dream blond hair blue eyes sexy curves she definitely rivalled Bethany for the prettiest girl at school. But unlike Bethany Lexie was kind… or so Mia heard.

‘You’re Millie’s sister.’ Lexie shut down when Mia spoke about her sister. Her dead sister. Lexie’s name was called by some guy and Mia was grateful for the interruption she didn’t know what to say. She felt awful for bring her up and putting that look on Lexie’s pretty face when she was only being kind and trying to help her. Cow, fat, ugly, huge, cow, fat ugly huge. She couldn’t get a moments peace.

Mia spent the rest of lunch speed walking around campus trying to burn of the lunch and breakfast she never ate. Cow he had called her a cow because she was so big she resemble one. Mia did not speak at all when she went to meet the school councillor she didn’t even look at her. Miss Whitney encouraged her to talk but she just wouldn’t all she did was cry silently in her chair.

*********

‘How was school?’ Lucy asked as she watched Mia at the dining room island writing in her note book. Lucy noticed how she had traded in her school uniform for baggy joggers and a matching hoddie. Even though Mia was at home and there was no need for her to be dressed up Lucy didn’t like seeing her daughter trying to hide her body. She knew the clothes weren’t for comfort the clothes were to hide. Mia tried not to be irritated when her mum began fixing her hair and pulling at the pearls her husband had brought her. ‘Fine’

‘Just fine, I thought it would be a little more existing than that’ but what was she meant to say to her. How she hated school and would rather be anywhere else but there. So Lucy tried again ‘How was everyone’s summer?’ How was Mia meant to know, she didn’t have any friend’s.

‘They went on holiday while I was stuck in a nut house.’ Mia mumbled still writing furiously on the lined page. Her classmates went to there second houses and to five star resorts and cruses while she was followed to the bathroom and had her door taken of her bedroom.

‘It’s not a nut house Mia’ Gentle but stern. A good approach Mia thought noticing how her mum wasn’t shouting at her for calling a hospital a nut house. ‘You went there because you were sick and needed help.’

‘I didn’t need help. I was doing just fine and now I’m… I have homework to do’ Lies. It was a Lie, parents and guardians got emails when their kids had homework. Lucy sighed and sat down in front of her daughter looking at her inquisitively. Mia wiggled under her gaze trying to concentrate. Please change the subject she begged in her mind.

‘How about we talk about your birthday, it’s not too late to put a party together’ Mia bet it wasn’t, her mum knew how to throw a party on short notice no matter if it was black tie, cocktail, or informal gathering. She didn’t want to talk about this anymore than school. Closing her book and packing up her pens she was using to highlight her notes she shot her mother a look.

‘Don’t bother no one would show up.’ She snapped and the hurt looked that crossed her mums face was one she never wanted to put there. She almost looked close to tears.

‘Of course they would come Mia. They are your friends.’ It would have been more embarrassing for her mum to throw a lavish party and no one show up Mia was used to being humiliated by her fellow students. Her mum would have been the talk of the town. Mia would not allow her mum to be talked about like that she would not allow her reputation to be ruined because her daughter had no friends.

‘No mum. There not, I don’t have any friends!’ Mia stood with her books and pencil case in hand ready to run to her room when her mum sighed rubbing her temples probably another headache.

‘Don’t be absurd Mia, of course you have friends everyone has friends.’ No mum you have fake friends who are more interested in your money or your husband. Was what she really wanted to say. ‘You must have some friend’s’ she said more so to herself than Mia.

‘No mum, I don’t because no one wants to be friends with girl who spent her summer in the nut house.’

‘I wish you would stop calling it a nut house. It’s a hospital for the mentally ill.’

‘yeah tell me about it I shared a room with a girl who’s best friend was the voices in her head telling her to kill people.’

‘They wouldn’t put you in a room with someone like that.’

‘She was only my room mate for a few days because she attacked another patient with a spoon.’

‘Good heavens what was she trying to do?’ Lucy blinked multiple times trying to wrap her mind round what would possess someone to do such a thing.

She shrugged. ‘Gouge his eyes out’

‘They moved you to a safer unit right?’ Mia wanted to laugh at her mums stupidity. You would think that they would have researched where they were sending there daughter more thoroughly not just the price tag and how secluded it was. Just because something is expensive doesn’t mean it’s any good.

‘You sent me to a loony bin full of people who hear voices and are messed up in one way or another, none of it was safe.’ With that she left her mouther gaping in the kitchen wondering if sending Mia away was the wrong choice. She could hear her mum on the phone to her dad telling her all about her murderous roommate. West RAD wasn’t just for people with eating disorders they catered to a large variety of mental illness.

‘Dinner is in fifteen minutes!’ her mum called up the stairs to her.

Slamming the door Mia began pacing back and forth in her room taking reassuring calming breaths. Stay calm. Stay calm. Stay calm.

‘I am better, better, nothing to worry about.’

Cow, fat, ugly, cow.

Are you going to continue to stand there like some useless cow or are you going to move? ‘no, no. I’m not’. Laying down on her carpet she stretched out before bringing her legs closer to her behind she began doing her sit ups. She told herself it was okay, she was allowed to work out. One of the rules of her release was she was not to exercise. Mia had been given strict instructions and rules to follow, eventually she would be allowed to exercise again but she had to be given the all clear by her doctors and therapist beforehand.

Her back began to hurt and stomach aching as she furiously sat up and laid back down. Up and down and up and down and back up and back down. Sweat began to gather on her forehead.

Good. Sweat was good it mean she was working hard enough burning calories. That was a good things. They couldn’t call her a cow if she wasn’t fat. Just a few more. Just a few more minutes.

Ignore the pain, pain was good it meant it was working.

‘Mia sweetie dinner’ Her mum called for her but when she chose not to respond she could hear her mum knocking on her bedroom door. ‘dinner i-’ Mia stopped dead in her tracks and shot up her mum looked at the state Mia had gotten herself into. ‘oh Mia sweetie, what ha-’ Mia sniffed and whipped her tears.

‘I’m fine, I’ll be there in a second.’ She sniffed again. Mia could see her mums heart braking at the site of her. ‘I’m sorry.’ She knew deep down what she had just done was wrong but it was an addiction an easy habit for her to fall back into her old habits. Mia broke down in tears almost dropping to the floor if it wasn’t for her mothers warm arms around her. It took her a long few moments before she had calmed and that’s when her father entered the room.

‘What is going on in here?’ David asked.

‘Nothing.’ Mia said pushing away from her mum ready to lock herself in the bathroom.

‘Why is she crying?’ he faced his wife for answers not Mia.

‘She just a had a little set back, can you give us a minuet.’ She asked kissing David quickly. She wanted a few seconds alone with Mia to get to the bottom of what happened and find a way to help her without upsetting her. It didn’t take David long to piece together what happened. His face went red with anger.

‘You are not allowed to exercise! What were you thinking doing something so stupid.’ His judgment and tone of voice made tears gather in her eyes.

‘David don’t yell at her, lets give her space for a minuet then I will talk to her’ she tried to move him out of the room while Mia sat down on her bed crying.

‘Give her a space, giving her space is what made her so bad in the first place, no! no more space. No more closed door, you clearly cant be trusted!’ he stormed up to her.

‘You’re blowing this out of proportion David, yelling at her wont fix anything. Just go downstairs.’ Lucy was not going to have him yelling at Mia like that, not under her roof. It cause an argument between the husband and wife and Mia snapped yelling at them to get out.