Skaydal - Unsettled Beta

5

Zack

I wasn’t just tired, I was exhausted and, on top of everything, I could feel Mato’s irritation and concern. I threw myself face-first onto my bed and groaned. I needed Mato. I needed to be with him and even though I hated feeling like this, I was too tired to fight it. I rolled onto my back and closed my eyes. It didn’t take me long to pick him out of thousands and I found myself smiling. He was irritated and concerned, but he was also happy. I couldn’t stop myself, so I reached out to him via the mind link.

“Hey,” I whispered, and then I waited. I wasn’t all that sure how this mate bond thing worked but I wasn’t going to question it. Not now.

“Zack?” his voice sounded small and wary, and that same guilt came back, stronger than ever.

“I’m sorry,” I don’t say for what and I hope he doesn’t ask me to elaborate.

“Are you all, right? Safe?” his question made me smile and I suddenly wished he were here with me.

“Yes, can you come to me?” I decided to ask and when the silence stretched on and on, I figured the answer was no. What I hadn’t been expecting was to hear a knock at the front door. My place wasn’t excessively big as per my request. When Grayson had collaborated with the constructor, I had been adamant about the size of my home. My argument had been that a single man doesn’t need a big place. And as I made my way to the front door, I glanced around. What would Mato think when he saw it? I pulled open the door and there he was.

“Can I come in?” he asked shyly, and I was tempted to pull him against me and press my lips against his, but I held back and stepped aside. Mato entered and I watched as he looked around. I tried to see what he saw through his eyes. The front door leads to the open-plan sitting room and office. I liked the space as it was open, and I didn’t feel confined to a room when I was working. The two-seater couch was brown and comfortable and, although I didn’t have a TV, I enjoyed sitting there and reading – sometimes. My office was a mess, but it was organized chaos.

“Thank you for coming,” I said as I moved past him and led him into the kitchen. It was small but had enough space for everything I could ever need. Mato sat down at the kitchen table, and I opened the fridge. “Do you want anything to drink?” I then asked him, and he shook his head. I closed the fridge and faced him.

“Why am I here, Zack?” he asked, and I sighed as I ran my hand over my face.

“Because I need you,” I admitted. Mato’s eyes went wide and the soft blush that graced his cheeks made me smile.

“Where do you…ahem…should we go to your room?” I frowned at his question and then it hit me.

“No, I didn’t mean like that,” I said quickly and suddenly he looked angry, and I knew that I had about zero point one second to stop him from storming out of here. “I needed to talk…about what went down today,” Mato’s expression softened just a tiny bit and I breathed a bit easier.

“Ok…tell me,” he said, and I sat down across from him.

“So, do you know the diner in town?” I asked him and he nodded.

“The sisters run the place…ah, Samantha and Felicia, right?”

“Right…so, Samantha was collaborating with Benjamin,”

“No! Why?” he was shocked. Not as shocked as I had been, but he was, nonetheless.

“My guess is she wanted Grayson for herself,” it wasn’t a guess, but I didn’t want him to know. Or did I? “I just…I can’t get over it, you know?” Mato nodded sadly but I forced myself to open up. “She is the kind of person you turn to when you are stuck or in trouble. She has such a good heart and…” my voice trailed off in wonder and sadness. “I thought she could be trusted,”

“Sometimes those you least expect to hurt you…do,” he whispered, and I didn’t want to read into it. I didn’t want to think about him referring to me. “I mean Benjamin was our Alpha and he…he used us, manipulated us, and…for what? What did he hope to gain?”

“He got it for so long though,” I said. Maybe he hadn’t been referring to me, but the guilt was still there. Eating away at me. Piece by agonizing piece. “And Jack…”

“From the motel? He was involved too?” again Mato was shocked, and he shook his head. “If anything, I would’ve thought someone from his pack would’ve been the one to help him or something,” I stared at him and slowly nodded. We had thought that too and yet, it had been one of our own. “But Sierna is all right, right? And Benjamin is back in prison.”

“Yes,” I said as I sighed softly. “Look, Mato…about the other night,”

“Don’t,” he hurriedly said. “Please don’t try to explain it or whatever,”

“No, I mean…I think I need to,” I wasn’t sure how to explain it, but I had to try, right?

“No Zack, you don’t.”

“I do because…we are mates,” I said softly as I looked down at the table. “I shouldn’t have done that,” I added, but I couldn’t meet his gaze. “We don’t know anything about each other and that is no excuse but I’m twenty-four years old and when I hit puberty…” I chuckled as I shook my head and then I finally looked up and made eye contact. “I f****d around with whoever was willing,”

“Oh…” he looked disappointed, but I had to push forward. “Male and female or?”

“Yeah, both…as I said, whoever was willing,” I wasn’t proud of myself nor was I proud to admit this to my mate, but he needed to know. “I found s*x alluring and I used that to ease…” I paused as I considered the right word for what I was trying to explain but I wasn’t sure I would find it. “I never thought about my mate…you…I waited for so long and when…well, when you didn’t miraculously show up, I thought you didn’t exist and so I…well, I just kept being me,”

“Yeah,”

“And then when we met, I was so shocked, you know? And I felt…I mean, I suddenly felt caged in, and I don’t do commitment, I don’t do love, I don’t do relationships and suddenly here you are,” saying it aloud didn’t make me sound like a good type of guy, but it was the truth. “For what it’s worth, I am sorry, Mato,”

“I…I really don’t know what you want me to say, Zack,” I wasn’t sure what I wanted him to say either. “I mean, I haven’t exactly been a saint either and you didn’t magically show up on my doorstep either,” he was taunting me, and I could see the teasing glint in his eyes, but it was gone so quickly, I wasn’t sure if it had been real. “And it was just as much of a shock to me,”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, but…Zack…it doesn’t need to be like this, I mean…we are two grown adults, and apparently, I am two years older than you, so, “he winked then, and I smiled. “And in all honesty, as much as I would love to figure this out right now…it’s not the time,” his sudden serious tone is sobering, and I stand up.

“Yeah, I get that,” I said, even though I wanted to figure it out now. “All in good time?” I asked hopefully, but Mato wasn’t going to be easy. He stood up and walked out of the kitchen. I expected him to make his way to the front door, but instead, I followed him into my bedroom. He looked around before he climbed up onto my bed and laid down with his back to me. I wasn’t sure what he was doing and when he kicked off his shoes and got comfortable, I quickly joined him. My double-sized bed wasn’t very spacious, especially since I wasn’t as small as him. Although he was tall and lean, Mato would fit perfectly against me.

“Hold me,” his whispered words echoed throughout the room, and I moved closer to him. I am afraid to touch him. I am afraid of what it will mean, but most of all, I am afraid that I’ll like it. “Don’t overthink it, Zack, this is simply about comfort,” his voice sounded tired and strained, but I found myself pressing my front to his back and laying my arm over his waist. His scent filled my nostrils, and I squeezed my eyes closed as I got hard from being so close to him. He felt amazing and he did fit perfectly. Mato hummed in satisfaction and wiggled against me. If he felt my hardness, he ignored it as he got comfortable. And as I listened to his breathing even out and cuddled up to him as he slept, I considered what it would be like if we took that step forward and accepted each other. My last thought before I fell asleep was if Mato even wanted someone like me.

I woke up alone and disorientated. Had I dreamed it all? No, I could still smell his scent on the bedding and although his side of the bed was now cold, I could see his imprint. I growled out as I stared up at the ceiling. What the hell was I supposed to do now? For the first time, ever, I had slept cuddled up with someone I hadn’t had s*x with. For the first time, ever, I had cuddled with someone, and I wanted Mato back in my bed. I listened to the emptiness of my home and sighed. He wasn’t here. He hadn’t gone to use the bathroom or make coffee in the kitchen. He had left. It hurt and I wasn’t even sure why. He had unexpectedly given me comfort when I had desperately needed it and now, he was gone. I deserved that, didn’t I? I got up and looked around the room. Aside from the fumbled-up bedding, there was no evidence that Mato had even been there. I hated that.

“Don’t be a fool,” I told myself firmly. “He was only here to comfort you, he doesn’t want you,” who would want to be with someone who hooked up with as many people as I had? Who would want a player as a mate? Who was I to hope that Mato would one day want me and accept me? I shook the thoughts from my head and after a quick stop in the bathroom, I entered the kitchen. I froze as I spotted a note on the counter. I hesitated to pick it up. I hesitated to read those written words. I was still afraid and there wasn’t anything I could do to stop it. I did, however, force myself to pick up that note and read it.

Zack,

Last night was the first night I slept so well in a long time. I hope I was able to give you the comfort you needed, but please don’t call on me again. Not until we can figure this out. Whatever this is. If you need someone to talk to, I suggest you talk to Grayson. He is our Alpha for a reason.

Mato

“f*****g hell,” I muttered as I threw the note back onto the counter.