Bipolar Attractions

29.

After leaving Dr Milan’s place, I can’t help but feel a sense of relief washing over me. Be it because my emotions are no longer bottled up, but shared with someone whom will not judge my actions, but give me clarity on doing better.

Better in such sense that I know I have to speak to John regarding how we ended our previous conversation.

“Hey, what’s up, where’s Holloway?” I ask Steve upon seeing him first.

“Isn’t he in his office?” Steve asks me instead, as he stuffs his mouth with food.

“No he isn’t. And what are you eating?” I ask Steve in disbelieve seeing how interested he is on the donuts he eats, that he doesn’t give me his full attention.

“Oh this?” Steve raises up the paper bag from where he picks out what he eats. “Jessica sent donuts, and it is so good.” Steve tells me with admiration of what he eats in his eyes.

“Jessica? Allen’s wife? Why would she send you donut and not me or Jen?” I inquire jealous.

“First of you, you and I are not the same.” Steven rubs it in my face and I can’t help but scoff out loud. “Also, you’re not mostly here and well Jen is also at home on bed rest, and this is just a thank you gift from Cecil for watching over Allen.” Steve explains as he rolls his eyes at the end.

“Whatever, I’m taking one. You can’t be the only one enjoying all these,” I don’t wait for Steve to responds before I dip my hand into the paper bag and pick out of the glazed donuts. My taste buds hits the sweetsness of the donut in my hand and I find myself mouth watering at the pleasure it give me. “Damn this is good.” I tell Steve as he watches me in amusement. “Now I know why you were eating like a starved being in the first place.” I chuckle along side taking the last bite of my donut.

“Did you just insult me?” Steve reminisce my statement taking me to laugh.

“See you later Steve,” I don’t let Steve complete his words before I leave his side to find John. Knowing John wouldn’t have gone far, I decide to wait for him in his office, as I take a seat and not long after I hear the door to his office swing open.

“Laura,” John calls my name, as with his tone, part of him is surprised to see me in his office. 

“How are you John?” Are the first words that exit my mouth, as John doesn’t say anything but resume to take his seat, while he faces me oppositely. 

“I’m doing good. How is Jennifer?” John asks.

“She’s recovering well.” I answer as after that the room goes silent as none of us speak a word, while John stares at me in response for me to speak of what I came for. “The other day…”

“You don’t have to defend yourself for speaking your truth…” John cuts me off.

“No I’m not defending myself. I’m apologizing.” I close my eyes shut as the words seems to heavy from my mouth, while I cut John off from his own words. “I was harsh the other day, and I didn’t consider your feelings, but I want you to understand that I was under a lot of pressure and I took it out on you.” I let my gaze meet with John.

“No you didn’t Laura. It wasn’t because of the pressure, it’s your fear of having something real, which is why I don’t want you to pity me.” John tells me.

“I don’t pity you John,” I reply to John with my gaze solemn. “I respect you, which is why I do not want to jeopardize that respect by screwing up.” I add.

“Why? Because I want more than just s*x with you?” John comes out blunt.

“No because I won’t be able to reciprocate the same.” I say and John’s gaze goes dull. “You know what happened to me eight years ago John. You know what I went through and how I promised myself not to go through that again…”

“For how long Laura? For how long will you keep hindering yourself from gaining the happiness you deserve…” John cuts me off.

“Because that happiness is gone.” My voice comes dry and sad. “That happiness is gone and even if Ryan isn’t here anymore I can’t gain that happiness anymore.” I speak as the whole news comes breaking fresh into my memory.

“Just because Ryan is gone doesn’t mean you can not find someone whom can also treat you right. I’m not here to compare the live or feelings you had for Ryan and for you to have the same for me. All I want is for you to see what i want with you is genuine.” John says and I go silent running a hand through my hair.

“My happiness is gone John, and it can’t be fixed because when that incident happens it took it with it.” I tell John.

“I know you lost a lot that day. You lost Ryan and also your child, but look ahead Laura, look ahead so you can let yourself gain another.” John tells me.

“It’s not that simple john. It is impossible for me to gain it back again.” My gaze hard. “Have you ever questioned yourself why I was never worried if you were or were not using protection whenever we had s*x?” I question John as he stares at me perplexed.

“How does that tally with what is here Laura? You’re just trying to avoid this..” 

“Why don’t you answer me first,” I cut John off as he continues to stare at me perplexed.

“Because I figured you’d be on the pill or something. You’re not a child Laura, of course you know what you’re doing…”

“Well I don’t.” I cut John off again. “I didn’t just loose Ryan and the baby the other day, I lost my womb too John. Which means, I can never have a child in my life ever again.” I stare hard back at John, as my my eyes begin to feel the water in them producing. “I’m barren John.”