THE JULIEN PROJECT

7

Knock Knock knock!

What? Who is it? What time is it? My first instinct is to touch my parts and I see with despair that my thing is still there, stiff and compressed in my jeans from the day before.

“And s**t!” I say angry.

“Julien, it’s me, Paul!”

“Wait a minute, damn it!”

I thought I’d become me again and I’m still a man, in my clothes from the day before, what’s more! I glance at the alarm clock. It’s 10:55. I look through the spyhole to ogle Paul without his knowledge. Dressed in sports gear, he hops behind the door and does boxing moves. Ridiculous… but so sexy.

“Damn! I’m not ready, sorry.”

“Hello, first!”

“Oh yes, sorry. Hi!” I said, shaking his hand.

“Can you explain to me why you’re in the same outfit as last night? I hope you didn’t go out without me anyway!” he said, continuing to hop in place.

“No. I fell asleep fully dressed. It can happen, right?”

“Ah… Yes, it can! Come on, quickly put on your gear. Bodies like ours must be maintained!”

“Okay, but please, stop jumping, you make me nauseous.”

“Okay, okay! I see you aren’t much better than yesterday.”

“I have a bad headache,” I tell him to say something.

“Headaches are a woman’s thing!”

“And since when have headaches been a woman’s thing?” I say on the defensive, letting the Julie who’s in me express herself.

“Well, I read an article recently which said that they’re more common in women than in men.”

“Wow, I’m impressed! Thank you, Doctor! Very interesting! And why this sudden interest?”

“I did some research on the Internet. I wanted to know why women take it as an excuse to avoid having sex.”

“It’s surely because you’re bad at it!”

“Ha! Ha! Very funny!” he said sarcastically. “Okay, come on. I need endorphins.”

“And what’s this need for endorphins?”

“Failing to have sex... I remind you that it was you who didn’t want to go out last night!”

“I don’t understand anything you’re talking about, Paul! Headaches, endorphins, s*x…” I said, putting on my clothes quickly so as not to make him wait any longer and especially not to have to listen to him anymore.

I don’t feel like running, but I can’t tell him. It seems to be important. As if running was our Sunday ritual.

“Blast it, Julien, do you have to relearn everything or what? You noticed that I said blast instead of… you know what!” he said proud of himself.

“Yes, great progress! Well done!”

“Okay, are you ready?”

“Wait, I’ll piss and we’ll go!” I say surprised that the term could so easily come out of my mouth.

“You’re right, I’ll take a piss, too. Can you imagine the hassle when you’re a chick? Having to sit, wipe yourself… Oh, dear… Hello, stress! I wouldn’t like to be in their place!”

“I know, Paul. No need to dwell on the subject. We’ve talked enough! Now go!”

Bladders emptied, we finally set out to conquer the surrounding streets. A few steps from the building, we meet Odette, her dog, and her cart on wheels, from which a baguette protrudes.

“Hello, Odette!”

“Hello!” she cries.

“You do old ladies, now?” Paul asks me once we get past her.

“Ah, very funny! It’s my neighbour. I have coffee at her place on Saturday afternoons.”

“Oh well, hey, I didn’t know you were visiting a grandmother.”

“Me neither!” I say quietly.

“What?”

“No, nothing, forget it!”

“Hey, you’ve become super mysterious. Good! Come on, let’s speed up! You run like a girl today!”

“I’ll show you how a girl runs!” I say, redoubling my speed.

In a few strides, we reach the woods. I’m overcome by a feeling of well-being, probably the endorphins Paul was talking about earlier. Against all odds, I’m not in pain. I have the feeling of almost flying. I feel so light!

Normally, I’m not a fan of sports. Cycling to work is my only physical activity, weather permitting, of course. I often thought about going to a gym, more to socialize with others than to shape my body, but I often lacked motivation. If I have the chance to be a girl again, I’ll seriously consider doing it.

I’m amazed by these woods, a favourite place for athletes of all kinds. Everyone running, pedalling, roller-blading! Wow, I can’t believe it! I never come here, even though it’s only a stone’s throw from my apartment.

I look at women, I find them beautiful in their sports clothes. Paul nudges me to show me the pretty joggers. My thing is reacting with phenomenal speed. I’m afraid it’ll become visible in this tight-fitting outfit, so to try and create a diversion, I focus on Paul, whom I imagine as an obnoxious but sexy boss… We run fast and speak little. My mind wanders. I’m trying to find a rational explanation for this whole crazy story, but I can’t concentrate. One minute, I think in Julie’s way, the next moment, Julien’s way. Oh, dear… Am I on the verge of schizophrenia. That wish will ruin my life!

At regular intervals, the mellow voice of a running app emerges from Paul’s cell phone. It tells us our mileage and our average speed. At the end of the ninth kilometre, Paul says:

“What are you doing this afternoon?”

“Frankly, I don’t know. I’m going to rest, I guess. And you?”

“I should do a little tidying up but hey, don’t kid yourself, I know I won’t. Maybe I’ll play an online game. Ah, if only I had a girlfriend...”

“What? A woman to do your housework or to play video games with you?” I said, caught off guard by the subject.

Paul bursts into laughter before turning extremely serious again.

“I want to settle down, Julien.”

“Is that so? Why, aren’t you happy being single?”

“I’ve had my fun. But, I think I’m getting old. I’m going to be thirty-five, my boy!”

I remain silent. I think back to all those Monday mornings when Paul tells me about his weekend antics, his conquests, his orgies... How could a guy like him suddenly want stability? No attachment, no responsibility, only pleasure at each new meeting...: I’ve heard these words so often during his intimate morning confessions.

Seeing that I don’t intervene, he continues his monologue.

“You see, until now, that suited me very well. I have a nice car and a nice apartment, yes, but no one to share my Sundays with. I’m pissed off.”

“Whoa, Paul, you surprise me! I didn’t think of you like that!”

“Me neither! I thought about it last night when I got home from your parents. I thought about it a good part of the night, to be honest with you. I find your family cool. Jeremy and Sylvia seem so fulfilled. As for your father and your mother, together for all these years, let’s not even talk about that! You know, I was six when my parents divorced. I don’t even remember if we were a real family at one point. My mother was so unhappy. She always refused to remarry because she loved my father so much. She never let any other man take that place again. My father broke her! And him, he remembered he had a son when his new wife ditched him. I haven’t seen him since I was eighteen. I think I’m scared, Julien. f*****g scared!”

Paul’s pain hit me in the face. Behind his appearances as a man as hard as iron hides a fragile being, wounded by the breakup of his parents. How did I never see this? All his confidences where he seemed so sure of himself… What is Paul doing to me?

“Ah… Come on, with all your conquests, it won’t be very difficult to find someone who’s looking for a little more than a one-night stand.”

“You know, I’m not giving them a chance. I’m suspicious of women like the plague. I don’t trust them. Women today are strong, independent, free. They don’t need us in the end! I don’t know why I’m telling you all this. Excuse me, man! I had a moment of confusion.”

“You must have needed it, Paul. Men can also express their feelings. I’m not going to judge you. On the contrary. I find it beautiful to be entrusted by you.”

Paul looks at me out of the corner of his eye. He half believes in what I said.

“Okay, are we finishing here?” he asks me, still running.

I look around and see that we’re in my street.

“Ah, yes! And you? How are you getting home?”

“Are you starting to mess around again or what? You know I live ten minutes from here...”

What? Paul and I are neighbours? That’s something else! This unprecedented experience is a great source of revelations. We leave each other with a wave of the hand. I realize I’m drenched in sweat. I don’t linger in the common areas because I prefer not to meet anyone. As soon as I walk through my front door, I put my iPod on its cradle and put the sound at a volume that Julie would find unreasonable. I drink a litre of water without breathing, undress, leave my clothes at the foot of the laundry bin and go straight to the shower for a good half hour.

It’s almost two o’clock when I put one of the boxes my mom gave me last night in the microwave. To tell the truth, I eat without appetite, without really knowing what I’m putting in my mouth. I wouldn’t be able to tell you what dish it is. I don’t pay attention to it.

I turn on the TV while leaving the music on at the same time. I spend my afternoon in my underwear, zapping with the remote, dozing in front of the screen, thinking about everything and nothing. I’m bored. I’m not doing anything interesting. I flip through a magazine and immediately abandon it… I can’t relax. On my way to the bathroom, I find the little red notebook on which I scribble:

In the Body of a Man - Day 2:

11 / A man plays sports to keep his figure.

12 / A man is sensitive but he hides his game well.

13 / A Man gets bored easily.

14 / A The man is a zapper.

Night falls and the anxiety of Sunday evening arises. I’m afraid of having to go to work in this male body. Unless…