The Why Behind What We Feel

Chapter 2- Lucky to Have You

I've been sitting in the library, waiting for Aspen to show up, for the past thirty minutes. I don't have anything else to do, so at first, I wasn't too worried about it. Now, I'm starting to get annoyed. My time is valuable, especially this time of year when I have three finals to study for.

I sigh, checking my phone one last time before getting up and gathering my things together. Just as I'm zipping up my backpack, I nearly jump out of my skin when Aspen suddenly appears, all winded and sweaty, as if he ran all the way here.

"I'm so sorry! My chem professor made me stay over so we could go over my last quiz and I didn't realize it was going to take so long," he pants.

I furrow my brows, trying to make sense of his story. The Science building is right next door to the library. It's a short run, if a run at all. How out of shape is this guy?

He takes something out of his backpack and hands it to me. I take it from him and my eyes only skim over it, but it's not hard to miss the big red F at the top of his paper.

"Wow, this is...really bad..." I say, handing the paper back to him.

"Any chance you tutor in chemistry too?" he asks sheepishly, sliding into the chair next to the one I was just sitting in.

"I've tutored in lots of subjects, but right now, just psychology," I answer, sitting back down.

He blows out an exhausted breath, throwing his head back dramatically. That's when I notice the scar on his neck. It's a straight line, right across the middle, almost as if...

No...

I blink out of my daze and start getting my things back out of my bag. "If you're needing some help in chemistry, I'll be happy to tutor you. We can just add it on to our psychology time if you want."

"You are a for real deal angel, Sessy! Thank you!" he says, very much relieved.

We spend a little time on chemistry first, quickly moving into psychology, going over the things I know will be on Professor Mitchell's final exam. The more we study together, the more questions arise in my mind about what kind of person Aspen might be. He's not just majoring in psychology, he truly wants to make a difference. He wants to help people. He wants to find the why behind what they feel.

"What made you want to become a therapist?" Aspen asks me after we finish up for the day.

"My grandmother always told me I should be one. Ever since I was a kid, I've always tried to help people be at peace with themselves," I smile, flattered that he would ask such a question.

"Your grandmother meant a lot to you?"

"Means a lot to me. She's still living," I answer.

"Oh, nice. Do you visit her often?"

"Every chance I get."

"Is she...um...how do I ask this... Is she..."

"Is she black or white?" I smirk, c*****g a brow.

He nods, grimacing. "I didn't want to offend you."

"It's okay. She's black. She's my father's mother. She raised me since I was just a baby. My parents were killed in a car crash when I was about four months old."

"That's terrible. I'm so sorry," he frowns.

"Yeah, well...I'd like to think they'd be proud of how I turned out."

"Of course they would. You're brilliant. You're less than a month away from graduating college. You seem to be so confident and sure of yourself. And you're such a nice person. Like, genuinely nice. It's been a long time since I've met someone like you."

I don't know why, but something about the way he said that makes me feel kind of sad for him. Does he not have a supportive family?

"Thank you," I reply. "I get it honest. From the stories I've heard, both my parents were really sweet people. My mother's family was ashamed of her relationship with my father, so they chose not to have anything to do with me after I was born. My dad's family though, they've been there through everything. They've made me the person I am today."

"That's great. It's always good to have a family that builds you up and believes in you," he says, and while he's smiling, his eyes look empty. I'm definitely sensing there are some family problems and while I want to ask questions, I don't want to seem nosy, even if I am.

"Anyway, I shouldn't take up anymore of your time," he says, clearing his throat as if he's suddenly uncomfortable. "Thank you so much for your help. I'm looking forward to our next lesson."

He's gathered his things and is dashing to the door before I even have time to respond.

What the hell?

Did I say something to upset him?

____

"Come on, Sessy! Please! Just for one hour, I'm begging you!" Lizzy whines, leaning against my bedroom doorway like it's the only thing keeping her standing in her dramatic state.

"No. Absolutely not," I say, trying to go back to my book.

"We have exactly three weeks of college left! Do you seriously want to spend it in bed on a Friday night?!"

"Yes!" I groan, dropping my book in my lap. "This?" I say, motioning around to my personal space- me in my pj's, a bag of chips, a half empty bottle of lemonade on my nightstand and a good ole book. "This is exactly how I want to spend every Friday night for the rest of my life."

She rolls her eyes, sliding down the door until she's sitting on the floor like a pouting child. "Fine, stay home. I just wanted us to enjoy our last few weeks together."

"You act like we'll never see each other again," I scoff.

She looks up at me, frowning. "Will we? I'll move to New York to start my graduate studies and you'll be moving to Baltimore. We'll be hours apart, we'll always be busy. When will we have time to hang out?"

I hang my head, the sudden realization of our limited time together making me rethink my words. "You're right. We don't have a lot of time left together. We should be having fun, right?" I ask, looking up at her and causing her to smile.

"Really?! Or...are you just setting me up like you usually do?" she asks.

I sigh and throw my legs over the side of the bed. "I'm going out."

Lizzy jumps to her feet, squealing in excitement. "Oh my god! Yay!"

I take a shower, put on a little makeup, try and do the best I can with my hair and finally, I pick out an outfit. I don't have a lot of what I'd consider going out clothes to choose from. I wear jeans and t-shirts to class, and come to think of it, pretty much everywhere else too. I own a few dresses for when I attend church with my grandmother, but lacy white sleeves and shoulder pads are probably not the look I want to go for tonight.

"Wow, you have literally nothing," Lizzy says, coming to stand next to me. "Good thing we're about the same size."

"No we're....not..." I say, even though she's gone in a flash.

Ugh, I don't want to do this. I feel like if I don't, I'll regret it, but I also feel like if I do, I'll regret it. Either way, I'm not letting my expectations get too high. I'll have fun with Lizzy, get a little tipsy, call it a night no later than midnight, and be back in my bed before I know it.

Not to mention, Lizzy is at least two sizes smaller than me. I'm going to look ridiculous in her clothes.

She comes back a few minutes later with two different outfits- one, a sleeveless black romper, and the other, a bright yellow dress that's an odd color choice for someone as pale as Lizzy.

"This one still has the tags on it," Lizzy says, holding up the yellow dress. "It wasn't the right color for me."

No kidding.

"I'll try it on," I shrug, taking it from her.

I go into my bathroom and undress. I take the dress off the hanger and hold it up, giving it a good look. While it looks like it might fit, I don't want to slide it on and kill what self esteem I have left when I realize it makes me look like a vanilla moon pie.

I blow out a breath and try it on anyway, praying to God it at least looks decent on me. Once I get all the straps adjusted, I turn around to face the mirror and gasp. Not only does it fit, but it actually looks good.

I'm impressed with myself, and that rarely ever happens.

Lizzy smiles, bouncing up and down excitedly when I exit the bathroom. "Sess! You look amazing!"

"You really think so?" I ask, smoothing the dress out.

"Yes! That's the perfect color for you!" she gushes.

Lizzy and I finish getting ready and I leave our place feeling more confident than I probably ever have. It sets the mood for me and I start the night with a good vibe, ready to enjoy myself.

Lizzy drives us over to the Garden District where our neighbor, Drake, has a brother who has a pretty nice house. He throws parties here weekly and they almost always get out of hand.

As soon as we pull up, there are already people crowding the street in front of the house. There's probably well over a hundred people, just outside.

"Ugh, how did I let you talk me into this," I groan, looking over at Lizzy.

"Just relax. After the first couple of drinks, I promise you won't give a damn about these people!" she says, tossing her long, red hair over her shoulder.

We park and get out of the car, walking the block or so toward the crowd. It's like Bourbon Street in the middle of Mardi Gras out here. Are there always so many people out like this, or is something special happening tonight?

Since Lizzy is a bit more social than me, she starts mingling as soon as we walk in the door. I hang with her for a while before I finally lose her in all the many people crammed into this narrow, two-story Victorian house.

I find myself wandering around alone for a while, more intrigued by the history of this place than the people who are here. The house, like the rest in this neighborhood, was built in the early 1900's and still has much of the same Victorian-style charm as it did in the old days.

I keep snooping around until I find myself on the second floor balcony that overlooks the very quiet backyard. There's a few people standing around, most of them on the phone, probably trying to get away from all the noise inside.

There's a ledge just next to the balcony, one that reminds me of the one on the rooftop of the house I grew up in. I used to sneak out of my bedroom window, go outside and watch the stars, pretending my parents were up there. I would talk to them for hours, telling them about my life, and how much different I thought it would be if they were still in it.

I carefully climb over the railing and sit down, dangling my feet over edge and the people below who don't even notice me. It's a nice night and the sky is full of stars, so I look up, taking a deep breath, enjoying this peaceful moment.

"Sicily?"

I jump, not expecting anyone to notice me. I look over at the balcony and smile when I see Aspen. "Oh. Hi..."

"What are you doing out here alone?" he asks, climbing over the balcony railing and taking a seat next to me.

"The party scene isn't really my thing, so I wandered up here where it's nice and quiet," I tell him, making him smile.

"Me too. I'm only here because Drake made me come. I'd never choose to come to one of these things of my own free will."

"Same," I smirk. "My roommate made me come as well."

"Good, so neither of us want to be here at least," he chuckles.

"Not at all," I sigh, looking up at the sky. "Lizzy says I should be enjoying these last few weeks of college, but...this isn't how I wanted to enjoy them."

"So how do you want to enjoy them?" he asks, looking at me attentively.

I suddenly find myself getting flustered and nervous. I'm not sure why, since Aspen and I have been around each other a couple of times before, even alone. Maybe not quite this alone though.

I clear my throat. "Um, well...I guess I just want to have my idea fun; eat at all the best places, make memories with my friends, take pictures."

"That's the kind of fun I'm looking to have too. Drinking so much you don't even remember the party at all seems...counterproductive," he shrugs. "But I don't really have any friends here and since I transferred so late in the semester, I probably won't be making any before I leave."

"It's okay. I've been here for four years and I've only made a handful of friends. Real ones, anyway."

"I'm not interested in anything but real ones. I've...been through a lot in my life. I don't have time for drama, or partying, or games. I've got a goal, you know? I've got my eyes on the prize and I can't let anything stop me from getting to it."

"And what's the prize?" I ask him.

"I know this probably sounds stupid, but...my prize in life is to have a family. I want a wife, and kids, and I want to be the best husband and father that I can be. I want to counsel kids in the foster system and give them hope that...even if they don't find their forever home now, someday, they can make their own."

I can't help but smile, very much impressed. "That's a pretty great prize."

"Thank you," he smiles. "What about you? Do you have your eyes on any particular prize?"

I take a second to give it some thought. "Well...not to be a copycat, but I guess my prize is a lot like yours. I want a family someday, and I want to be a good doctor; someone who...really helps people...because they want to, and not just for a paycheck or for the status."

"Will you attend graduate school here too? Or do you have plans to transfer?" he asks.

"I'm transferring to John Hopkins for my graduate studies," I answer.

"Nice. But...you're really smart, so while that's impressive, it's not surprising," he chuckles.

"You're really smart too. I've only tutored you once, but it was long enough to know you don't really need my help."

"Trust me, I do. More than you know. I've...messed up a lot this year and if I want to stay on track, I have to graduate."

"Can I ask why you transferred so late? I mean, did you just want a change of scenery?" I ask.

I watch a lot of different emotions swirl through those beautiful green irises before he finally hangs his head. "Yeah, you could say that. I had to get away and start over. I was willing to do whatever I had to do to catch up."

"Do you plan to go to graduate school as well?" I ask.

"Probably not," he chuckles. "It's a miracle that I've come this far."

"Well, in case no one else has told you lately, I'm proud of you, Aspen. It takes a lot to move to a new place and a new school, especially with so little time left to get things done. But look at you, you're doing it. And with such passion. Those kids you counsel, they will be lucky to have you in their lives," I tell him.

He meets my eyes intensely, making my heart race. Did I upset him? Did I say too much, come on too strong?

But then he smiles, filling me with relief. "Thank you." He looks around before looking back at me. "Hey, do you want to get out of here for a while? There's a frozen yogurt shop a few blocks away and that Peanut Butter Brownie Surprise has been calling my name."

I'm surprised by his offer, but very flattered. So, I nod. "Okay, sure."