My Savior

PROLOGUE It's early in the morning when I'm here outside. Probably it is 5:40 turning 6:00 o'clock in the morning, I was walking slowly going to school. It is my first day going to Ranz University, as a Grade 11 student. I was a transferee but should I totally consider myself as a student? Maybe not! I was staying two Months on my Tita Jenna house and I didn't go to school even I really need to do it. Two Months had past that everything had happens. The truth is, I really don't want to go to school anymore. Habang naglalakad sa gilid ng kalsada ay natatamaan ako ng sikat ng araw na nagmumula sa silangan. It's already 6:00 o'clock in the morning! Tita Jenna told me that she will going to drive me in school at 7 o'clock but I'm here walking. Actually, I don't want to disturb her because she still sleeping. I want to talk to Mom but I know I don't have a chance, aalis na siya mamaya papunta sa Singapore. Hindi ko maiwasang hindi magalit sa kaniya pero kahit anong gawin ko hindi ko siya mapipigilan. That's her decision – to leave me and I think I should respect that decision she made. I feel my tears fall down on my cheeks, I can't accept the fact that all of them will going to leave me. Two Months that I suffer on depression and I think I should need more Months to recover. My Dad left us because he had other family that he choose and he love the most than us. Parang kahapon lang na iniwan ako ni Daddy, bumabalik pa rin ang sakit. Sakit na mawawala na sana ngunit babalik na naman. Hindi ko maiwasang magsumbat ng mga napakaraming tanong kay God. Bakit sa dinami-dami bang tao sa mundo, bakit ako pa? Walang akong alam na may ginawang akong masama ang gusto ko lang naman ay patuloy na sumaya at maging masaya. Mom and Dad is the perfect parents for me, they really love me the most. Wala silang pagkukulang sa akin noon, lagi kaming masaya. A perfect family na me'ron ako noon at kinaiinggitan din ng nakakarami ay wala na ngayon. Ang saya lang balikan ang lahat na mga masasayang araw na kasama sila. At hindi ko tuloy maisip na mararanasan ko ang isa sa mga masakit na alaala na nangyari pagkatapos ang sayang iyon. Kahit man nanginginig ang aking kamay ay pinilit kong haplosin ang aking pisngi na basa na ng luha at nagpatuloy sa paglalakad. I'm thinking it again, how can I survive this bullsh*t thing? I know it really hurts but Mom is the most who suffer, that's what I know. We leave to our house and migrate here with Tita Jenna the sister of Mom. Everyday I tried to act that I'm okay, that I accept all of it. But I can't do acting anymore because Mom is not fighting. She is so weak and everytime na nakikita niya ako ay umiiyak siya. Ngunit, hindi lang naman si Mom ang nahihirapan maging ako ay nasasaktan din ng husto. We both suffer with depression. When I got all my school papers there in my old school and transfer here, I didn't go to school. I was just in my room crying all day and I didn't go outside even just in a living room or in dining. I don't want Mom will going to see me anymore because she's hurting and she keep on blaming her self. She's always feel pity to me because I don't have a Father but I can accept it. We can live without dad or maybe I am because I have her… My Mom but she just thinking her own self on how to survive this kind of bullsh*t. She didn't think what I'm going to feel, I'm the daughter and she's the mother then probably she is the one who need to accompany and comfort me but that's impossible to happen. Hindi man lang niya inisip na kailangan ko siya. Later she will totally leaving me. I don't know what to do and just accepting it, is what I need but it's hard. My Mom and Dad is gone, I don't have them anymore. Tumigil ako sa paglalakad dahil nanghihina na ako. Ang bigat sa kalooban ko ang sunod-sunod na mga pangyayari. Napaupo ako sa gilid ng kalsada habang umiiyak. Ayoko na! Hindi ko na kaya! Mas lalong sumisikip ang aking dibdib, pagod na akong umiyak. How can I disappear this feeling? I'm tired that's what I know. But I keep on trying to put always in my mind that I'm brave. Kung ipagpapatuloy ko ang paulit-ulit at nakakasawang eksena na ito ay ako ang kawawa. Walang mangyayari sa akin habang sila ang mga magulang ko ay p'wede nang magsaya or baka masaya na nga sila. Pinilit kong pumasok ngayon at para naman kahit paano ay makalimutan ko sila. Mas lalo lang akong nasasaktan kong patuloy ko silang iniisip, hindi nagkulang si Tita na pangaralan ako sa mga bagay-bagay na nangyayari sa buhay ko ngayon at hindi ko sasayangin ang mga pagkakataon na may nais pa ring manatiling kasama ako. Pero kahit anong gawin kong pagtatatag sa sarili ko ay minsan hindi ko mapigilang panghinaan ng loob. Akala ko wala na akong luhang mailalabas pa pero ngayon nararamdaman ko ang sunod-sunod na patak ng aking luha sa semento. Wala pa rin akong lakas tumayo at parang gusto ko na lang humiga dito sa gilid ng kalsada upang makapagpahinga. But before I can do it, I stop in crying immediately when someone is approaching me, I saw there an old woman on the other side of this road. She is opening her store which written on the top of it – Grandma's Ice Cream. I stop in crying and decided to go there because I want to eat ice cream. Other people say that Ice cream can help us relief in pain. I cross the road and when I was at the middle of it, that's the time I look at my left side because someone is shouting there and as I look at my right side too...I freeze and I don't know what to do. I'm scared because I will surely die this day.