Matters of the Hart

Chapter 6 - Can you breathe? Show me how you breathe!

If there was one thing among the hundred other things that Lucas Alexander Roe lacked - it was tact. That guy was dumber than Noah and that was saying something.

Noah looked back at me with the same pointed expression with a 'told you so' for added effects, very similar to the one I was him giving five seconds earlier.

Lucas was a known troublemaker - where ever he went, he made sure his presence was felt.

Some, he flirted with, some he scared away because Lucas had to be taken seriously (since he wasn't blonde anymore). Some, he got drunk to the point of borderline personality disorder. When I had said that he was a child; I wasn't being sarcastic.

Luke lived in a different galaxy, far away from the concept of keeping still or having patience. So yes, I was aghast at the fact that he was standing silently, in a single place, on a single tile, for so long and so close to me and I couldn't have guessed any better.

Noah's voice as he called Lucas out of hiding brought me out of my inattentiveness. I took a minute to get myself together again, taking in my surroundings. Okay, Thea. Signal the mortal.

On accord, I cleared my throat.

"It's bad manners to eavesdrop, Luke. You can come out now," I said, trying to sound too nonchalant about it, but pretentious was exactly how it came out - my tone some what holding astonishment and amusement at the same time.

Either way, it had worked. I mean it took ten seconds less than the end of an eternity, but finally a tall figure emerged from behind the pillar Noah and I had been talking to. Any other person who would've had a look at us would have thought we were mental, but they didn't know the repercussions of having Lucas Roe in their lives. Said repercussions being called mental for absolutely non-mental reasons.

Up until ten minutes ago, Lucas Roe was a vague thought in my universe of a mind. Someone I knew but didn't much think about. Just like I had never thought I'd ever end up actually conversing with Noah again, much less tutor him. Just like I never thought I'd possibly run into Caleb, the fire-breather again. Alright, hold on. I had thought about that one before. Just thought it'd be more...subtle. Never mind.

Facing Lucas again after all these years came as a surprise to me - one I so wasn't ready for. But then again, if this were a surprise, Noah coming up to me was a major shock and I survived that.

I wasn't nervous, but I was definitely not calm. Although I was going to pretend to be in the next three, two, one—

"Hi, Thea."

Yup, it was Lucas Roe in the flesh - and he was still the same. Almost.

"Hey, Lucas," I smiled back, waving lightly from where I was sitting. His plain dark blue shirt was a perfect fit on him and he paired those with light blue jeans and white sneakers. At least one of them knew something about colours.

Luke's eyes lit up like a house on fire and his grin was blinding. He was literally grinning from ear to ear as he took two urgent steps towards Noah and me, now directing his beaming gaze at his friend.

"Oh my God, I talked to her. Noah, did you see that?"

You know the part where I said Lucas Roe was almost the same? Well, I take it back. Where most people were going through an enhancement in mental development in terms of maturity, Lucas Roe was having a backward evolution; his mental and physical ages were time-travelling in the opposite directions.

Lucas happily skipped the last two steps in less that a second and engulfed me in a hug - a warm but bone-crushing, 'I-missed-you-so-much' hug. His arms went around my shoulders, with my nose and mouth pressed into his shoulder as he kept gripping me tighter by the second like I was his favourite Cheetos or a human-sized teddy bear that sang the birthday song.

Only I wasn't Cheetos or a teddy bear. I was human and I needed oxygen to function. Well, pizza too, but oxygen was the priority right now.

"Luke-can't-brea..." I was struggling to speak. My face was pressed so hard into his shoulder that only my eyes were above the level of his shoulder and my voice came out in unheard muffles. Somehow, my arms went around him from under his which held me tightly. I tapped his upper back with my right hand, hard and twice so he would take a hint. But you know what happened? Lucas only thought I wanted to be hugged tighter and I was literally smothered to death.

"Luke, let her go. She can't breathe."

Noah's one simple sentence apparently held more weightage than Mussolini's leadership skills. It didn't even take two seconds after that, for Luke to release me from his tightly-gripped hug so I could finally feast on my most primeval desire -air.

Lucas pulled back, panic evident on his face. It was so cute- he looked like he could pee his pants any time now.

"Holy f**k, are you okay? Are you dead? Did I hurt you? Can you breathe? Show me how you breathe," he uttered gibberish, holding both the sides of my head in his hand, as if trying to support me.

I chuckled softly, gasping and trying to shake my head at his weird questionnaire, although I couldn't move it much since Luke had held it upright, in order to try and keep me from dying. People like Lucas should never become doctors -human race will come to an end if that happens.

"I'm fine, Luke." I assured, my breathing not as haggard as before as I gently pried away both his hands from either side of my head.

"I'm happy to see you too. But don't hug me again." I warned playfully, earning a sheepish smile in return.

"Okay, asshole. I told you I'd introduce you to her and you got a hug. We've been friends longer and I only ever got a dull handshake." Noah looked at both of us, keeping a stoic face and crossing his arms over his chest. Any one in their right mind could tell that he was joking. You can't sass the sass-queen, Nonah.

"Aww, Noah. She always liked me better than you. I mean, can you really blame her?" Lucas smirked playfully at Noah, putting an arm over my shoulder, teasing the hell out of him. All I could do was shake my head.

It was always like that: Noah and Lucas trying to prove who is the better friend of the two. According to Lucas, it would take more than Noah's baby face to offend him - the guy always had something up his sleeve. In case he didn't have good enough pranks to pull, which was very rare, he'd just make himself feel better by egging random people. Such was the tale of Lucas Roe.

Noah narrowed his eyes at Lucas, who was trying hard to stifle a laugh. "Well, it was nice seeing you tonight, Thea," the evil 'narrow-eyes' were now replaced by a playful yet sarcastic smile.

"Now, I think I want to get laid tonight. So if you don't mind, can I have my wing-man back?" His fake smile widened.

"Who would want to sleep with you?" I scrunched up my nose, grimacing over his life choices and jokingly looking over at him from head to toe as if he had big boy cooties. Who knows? The guy goes from girl to girl faster than a box of tissues on ‘A Walk to Remember’ movie night.

"I'm Noah Stark, Princess. Every girl wants to," he smirked back cockily, pulling up the non-existent collar of his round-necked, black leather jacket.

Slowly, as if realising that he left something out, perhaps a little crucial detail, Noah paused mid-action. Sullen, brood-y, staring at my face again. Maybe I should tell him soon enough that his sudden bouts of intense nature were really starting to creep me out.

Cocking his head to one side, he pulled his hands by his side again, the annoying smirk back on his face before he spoke. "Except you. I'd probably get killed if I ever hit on you."

Whoa, whoa, wo-ah.

Noah was now staring at my face, gauging my reaction.

Lucas was staring at me too, probably because he had no idea what had just happened.

And me? I had my priorities mixed up.

I didn't know if I should ask Noah what he meant by that because I was utterly and undeniably confused, or have a staring contest with Lucas to make him feel as uncomfortable as he was making me feel right now.

But what was the point?

Noah would evade it like he hadn't just implied something out of the blue. If you thought God was cryptic when he tried to show you the 'red for danger' signal for everything bad that would be happening to you, then you clearly hadn't met Noah. Even God took evening tuition from Noah Stark on '101 ways to be cryptic and leave a fellow human confused out of their whole damn mind.'

Sighing, I chose the third option.

"I'm going to get some air. See you guys later."

I didn't wait for those two to greet me back. I just dashed out of their presence and through the living room-c*m-makeshift dance-floor. Bustling between sweaty bodies that reeked of cheap beer, I found the exit and walked out of the wide driveway and made a bee-line for the gate, letting a heavy breath out. To think my sister was among those smelly kids. Ew, a small grimace formed on my face.

Texting Lia and Cole both, I walked out in the dark of the night, away from the chatter of the people that didn't matter - to a place ten minutes away from there - my favourite place in the world.

**********

It's funny how one ordinary place could break open a whole treasure trove of memories.

Sometimes, when you're sitting all alone by the ocean or trying to get a good night's sleep, they come rushing back to you - those memories of the times gone by, preserved safely in a remote corner of your tame heart.

Memories.

One word. Eight letters. A thousand emotions.

What I think is - memories don't simply signify moments that occurred in your past, nor do they justify your relationship with them - depending on the kind of memories you have. The memories you hold: the ones that dwell in your heart are nothing but a truce that you have made with the past- where terms and conditions apply.

You can't keep going back to them, breaching the promise you made to yourself to never open doors that were locked for a willful reason. Because then, they come back - hitting harder than ever. You can't promise to never go back and keep going back - some memories are vengeful.

With a hoarse voice that can make shivers run down your spine, it blocks the gap between you and your wants, making you realise that how much ever you may try, you just can't escape. Sometimes, the same memories will come after you, to get you, to proclaim it's power over you: the power it always had.

The Lady Elizabeth Recreational Oceanside and Park was the only children's park in our town of Sunville. It was built for the common masses, by the benevolent people who laid the foundation of the first Recreational Centre just on the outskirts of Sunville.

The way to the park was a slope; the park stood, in all its glory, at the top of a small hill that overlooked St. Theodore's on one side and the remaining half of the town with a serene view of the beach on the other.

Since it closed down at eight every evening, I had my ways of getting in without getting caught by a human eye. There was one other way to enter at the very back of the park since the walls were not that high. I was probably the only person who knew about it. I was familiar with every nook and corner of this beautiful place.

The golden gates looked something like I would imagine gates to Paradise would look like. They were aesthetical: a dark shade of golden. At least thrice my size, made of solid iron, these gates stood out even in the dark. The beauty of these doors were the gold-plated canaries carved out of the same iron and welded on the top of the gates - so beautifully that they almost looked real.

A lamp post that stood tall every twenty metres or so. But only a few were lit during the night since there weren't many people lurking around in the shadows of the trees at this time of night since it was almost midnight.

The park was a beautiful sight; a well-maintained garden with naturally grown healthy green grass that was trimmed to its most acceptable length. I remembered growing to love the smell of freshly watered grass whenever it rained.

It wasn't a particularly sweet smell, not very strong either. It was fresh; if new beginnings had a distinct odour, this would be it.

There was a hug sandbox right in the centre where I used to play with my friends. Dad used to get Lia and I here sometimes and leave us to do our own thing. Most of the time, we came here with Cole's mom since our dad wouldn't have time for us (which was most of the time).

I could tell stories about the time spent in this place. Right here was where I made a lot of friends. Well, I lost some too but I wouldn't want to go back to that right now.

Lia and I met Cole here. Cole was a seven years old bully who harassed the younger boys all the time, making them roll in the sand and laughed when they got sand in all the delicate places. So of course when Amelia Hart came across the likes of him, her first instinct was to make him eat sand. Literally. How very typical of Miss Hart.

We would build sand castles, kick them, laugh till our stomachs hurt and then repeat to our heart's content.

The tunnel-slide used to be my favourite in the entire world. I remember how scared I was, the first time I went on that slide. Lia kept reassuring me that everything would be fine and that I wouldn't get stuck because I had a big butt.

I didn't have a big butt: my sister had a small brain.

The border of the park was like city-walk on a height. It could look over every part of the town depending on where one stood. The white-sand beach and the ocean beyond it - everything was so clear from up here. The bling that flashed all over the town. The green waves dancing with each other- a merry salsa of their own kind before they collapsed in the arms of the white shore of Sunville. My little world at Saint Theodore's. One could see it all.

Shaking my head, I looked up - out of habit. In the clear, dark sky were thousands of pin-point stars, their shine fading in and out, like little sharply cut diamonds.

That's what I adored about darkness. We don't see things for what we make of them- we see things for what they are, no added effects, nothing.

Most people saw 'black' as lack of colour. I didn't agree with that notion. Black had a lot of colours - all at once.

——

When I was a child, 'mother' was a forbidden term at home. For us - daddy was our dad and our mom. But me - I always wondered by myself: who she was, how she looked, why she had left us or if I could ever meet her again.

What can I say, I was a curious and love-deprived eight year old.

Some memories are so vivid that they always lived with you. It seemed impossible for me to forget how, one day, out of pure innocence, I had asked daddy if he knew where my mother was since or if he has spoken to her at all.

Well, I never got an answer to that question to this day, but back then - I didn't realise I had hit him right where it hurt most.

Dad was so angry at me that I ran down the street, crying to Mrs Finley's house in hopes of finding comfort and in fear, that daddy would now hate me forever for reminding him of mother.

I remember pressing my face into Marley's stomach, letting the tears give in to gravity. I remember how she patted and rubbed my back gently, re-assuring me that dads can never hate their princesses.

I remember Amelia, in her pale yellow summer dress and white sneakers, invading the house to hug me as I sat on Marley's house couch for hours, sipping her 'Marley's special chocolate milk that makes girls fight off boys like her son, Cole.'

That's what she called it- I only realised much later that she had made that up just so we would drink up that weird-tasting substance in her special boy-repellent energy drink - milk.

My innocent and unaware twin tried hard to get me to tell her what had happened. But I remained mum. I was so ashamed of what I had done that I couldn't bring myself to tell her, fearing that she might loathe me for upsetting dad.

That evening, Mrs. Finley brought Cole, Lia and me to the park. I hadn't wanted to go - I was desperate to go see dad and find out if he still hated me for asking about mother. But I was scared of what could come at me: hate, or even worse - rejection. I was drowning in a pool the size of Disney land- filled with guilt.

But Marley wouldn't take no for an answer.

Right now, if anybody asked me, I could tell them that I was envisioning the eight years old me from that night - sitting right here, Indian style, in the middle of this very garden, with my nervous hands fiddling in my lap as I had tilted my head back to look up in the night sky just so I could prevent the stubborn tears from running down my face.

Marley came and sat beside me after Cole and Amelia were left to do their own thing - the usual, Lia bullying Cole.

"Why are you looking up there, sweetheart?" her tender voice and motherly care caught me off-guard. I never took my eyes off the sky though, even as I felt her sit next to me on the carpet of freshly mowed grass, leaving her feminine touch behind as she ran her fingers through my silky, straight hair.

"Sometimes I feel lonely, Miss Finley." I began reasoning but realised that I was only choking on my own tears.

A lone tear rushed out of the corner of my right eye when I was suddenly enveloped into her doting arms where I was free to cry my heart out again.

——

Nine years later, I was standing in the same spot, all alone now, with my jacket pulled tighter to my body as I looked up in the same dark skies, clear as that evening all those years ago, with the same thoughts on my mind as my eight year old self.

"So lonely," I murmured in the quiet September air, silently hoping and wishing from the deepest part of my heart that I weren't.

Now, I did not have frequent hallucinations or anything like that, but it was either that, or I must have missed a passing comet right at that moment. Because unbestknown to me, my silent prayers were answered in the most unexpected way with the presence of a voice - one I had known from a long time ago.

"If I said I was here for you, would you hold it against me?"