Matters of the Hart

Chapter 19 - I was the next Khabib.

THEA

Sobering up did not happen by choice.

Right now, I didn't remember what time it was or how I had reached the park from that weird, buzz-cut dude's party.

I didn't remember how Nathaniel Knight happened to be around me tonight.

I didn't remember how I was here-in my favourite spot- trying to camouflage with the darkness on the grass, steadily breathing in his captivating scent.

I didn't know if we were always cuddling like we were just now or if my drunk-self did it on my behalf. I couldn't tell if it was me at all.

I mean, that guy did like to hit on me every now and then, right?

I didn't even remember when he draped his jacket on me; I didn't remember feeling cold.

I didn't remember when he started playing with my hair.

I didn't remember when the stars in the sky started getting bigger and brighter.

I didn't remember when they began shining as if they were touching up a blessing that was coming my way.

I didn't remember half of tonight, at least the first half.

But now I had so many questions, that I think I liked it better when my thinking was impaired. I wouldn't have to actively try to forget about anything from this moment right here; the memory-damaging amount of alcohol that I had taken in would have worked it's magic without me noticing it.

But like I said, sobering up didn't happen by choice; and even though I wouldn't remember everything, what I would remember henceforth; the moments about this night will be so deeply engraved in my memory that I wouldn't know what mantras would work to shut this memory, this serene feeling out.

What feeling, you ask?

I don't know exactly what I would label it as; all I could do was let it consume me to the fullest; all inhibitions thrown to the side. My feeling was an amalgam of all the feelings that were rushing back to me all of a sudden.

I would remember a part of it: that feeling that soothed me when I realised that if I closed my eyes right now and imagined my drunk self being gracefully carried away from the trouble I could have been in, he was the only 'Knight in a black jacket' that came to my mind.

I would remember a small part of that feeling; it was a bubble in the pit of my anxious gut when I realised that it was midnight and we were here as us again.

Maybe it really was a sign?

Then there was his essence; the moment his signature minty scent made its way through my nostrils.

I would remember this night, and the feel of his favourite black jacket on my naked arm as it draped down covering my back.

On a night like this, sober Thea would have worried about too much skin. But when drunk Thea became sober, she suddenly realised that she didn't have to worry. He took care of it before she could even look straight.

I would remember how I didn't have to worry about being cold from my hair to my toes; his warmth was what had pulled me to him. His tenderness; the careful grip with which he tucked me by his side was suddenly pulling at my heart, wishing and hoping that there was a way that this could be caged there forever.

I would remember the way his fingertips brushed my scalp from time to time as he played with my hair, straightening out each strand throughout its length, over and over again. I would remember how his touch burned me every time I anticipated it. I would remember that I always anticipated his touch.

I would remember that the stars were shining brighter tonight, twinkling like little bundles of joy. I would remember praying on them, before I spoke the most dreaded thought that had bugged my mind the past few days.

I would remember wishing that I were drunk; even if I got rejected tonight and my questions left unanswered, I wouldn't remember this night at all.

I would remember asking him why he said the one thing that shattered my fragile heart into a million bits and pieces.

The alcohol wore down as it wore me down.

I realised that there was no way to run, nowhere to hide now, especially when the sound of his regularly beating heart kept pulling me to him every time I wanted to pull away.

As I laid there in his arms, I blinked multiple times pushing the tears back. I would also remember these tears. Just like I would remember his beautiful voice spewing a soft, "f**k," like I pricked his love with a thorn.

I quickly wiped off the leftovers of my salty tears, if any, looking away from his entire form. Not looking at Nathaniel was in no way any less intimidating than if I had looked into his eyes right now.

"Thea..."

Not Shortcake. Ouch.

"You know what, forget about it..."

I shook my head lightly. It was more for my heart than for his ears, the effects were different on both. My words could hit his ears and bounce back. But my heart?

I think this time it would want to listen to me.

It would want to stop hurting.

Now that Nate was sitting upright next to me, I dropped his jacket back in his lap as I stood up, fully knowing that my bare back was a much too exposed view for him.

I didn't care though. I just wanted to get out of there.

I had already made the mistake of harbouring that little hope that he would shoo away my doubts and tell me what I really wanted to hear. That little hope was too much of hope.

"Thea, wait!"

His voice boomed through the silence of the night. I tried my best to ignore it, along with the enticement that what would happen if I actually waited.

No! I couldn't.

So I compelled my legs to carry me faster before I changed my mind, away from the only voice that made my heart stop and run at the same time. I didn't know which direction I was walking in; it was too dark and the usual lamp that hung on the pole was also flickering tonight.

Still, I kept walking as I rubbed my hands up and down my bare arms.

But his footsteps got louder, indicating how little a difference there was between us and consequently my pace picked up.

I tried to move further away, out of his reach at all times.

At least I could say that I tried.

The further I got, the closer he got to me.

The farther I wanted to get, the more his scent kept pulling me back. Until it was finally his hand that caught hold of my arm, actually pulling me into him.

"Don't run from me, please," his cold breath hit my face.

I knew that if I looked up at him, I would end up bawling my eyes out and embarrassing myself once again. So naturally, I caught sudden interest in the shadows that fell upon the grass and decided that that was what I wanted to figure out throughout the night - that if I abhorred being anywhere near him right now, then why was it that I wasn't struggling to move away from his warmth.

Why was I craving it now?

I didn't know how long it was, but we stood there for a long time.

None of us speaking.

Just his soft, little sighs and the feeble pinching effect that it had on my heart.

Our breaths mingled a little; I could say because his scent had gotten stronger and I think I could never get used to it.

It was a fresh scent. Like the scent of a little spit of rain on an early winter morning as it shone like pearls like dew on freshly mowed grass mixed with wet mahogany laden with a varnish of mint.

It hit my senses so lightly that I didn't know when my inhibitions left, but I guess they left around the time I felt his jacket come around me covering me up as my gooseflesh felt satiated. I would never admit it out loud, but this warmth was this moment had become my biggest weakness.

His touch had become my new drug.

Even though his words had still cut me deep.

"Shortcake, look at me..." a soft whisper reached me.

I stayed still, not moving an inch, not looking up either. In fact, where he stood hoping that I would spare a glance at his face, I was admiring our shadows; his only a little taller than my own. It was because of the uncomfortable black pumps that hugged my feet that the variation in height was barely visible - Nathaniel was otherwise a good eight inches taller than I.

Call me tipsy, but I liked how our shadows looked. There weren't any boundaries separating our two stances - just us as one. But it was too good to be true. We weren't one.

We were nothing.

"Please…"

Desperation spoke to me and I screwed up.

I looked up.

Into the storm-ridden abyss that I fondly remembered as his eyes.

Tonight though, it were as if I was right all along.

Stormy grey was the perfect shade on the palette that I could call his.

They were tense, yet tender. Intense, yet yearnful. Hopeful, yet heartbroken.

Watching him swallow hard as his eagle-like gaze stuck permanently on my face was always a sight I would love to watch. Not because it made him nervous.

But because it made him a hundred times more soothing to my eyes, even when I didn't like it to be.

He leaned forward and I didn't even flinch. As if I was totally anticipating his next move.

No, our lips didn't touch.

But the rest of our bodies did, as he held me in his embrace - his hands going down to my hips as he held me closer and tighter.

Our foreheads followed the same course, as his mint-y breath became oxygen to me.

"I kissed you because I wanted to."

Our breaths were in sync, the movements of our chests mirroring each other as they touched every few seconds when we both took it in hard and deep.

"Liar," I said as I shook my head, my forehead brushing his but never losing contact.

"I promise..." His reply came immediately and I shut my eyes tightly at the mention of the word 'promise'.

There were different perceptions of the word 'promise'.

Promises that Lia made and kept.

Promises that Nathaniel made two years ago and forgot all about, very conveniently.

"I didn't regret kissing you."

I nodded lightly, urging him to continue.

"I kissed you because I wanted to kiss you. God Shortcake, that's all I've wanted to do since..," he shook his head as I felt him close his eyes shut tight, just like mine were right now - all shut and ready to absorb whatever was coming my way.

"What I regretted was doing it the way it happened."

We opened our eyes at the same time, my irises covered with looming confusion while his stormy grey ones determined, like they were telling me something.

"I never wanted to confuse you. I told you that I wanted to be your friend, then acted completely opposite of what I said. It wasn't wrong of me to kiss you, but it was wrong of me to play with your head like that. I am so sure that I'm not making any sense right now, but trust me, I never ever meant to hurt you. I hurt more when you hurt, Shortcake,"

"You have to believe me....," he said, eyes not wavering from my face even for a second. If it weren't for his grip at my hips, I would have collapsed under the honesty of his vehement gaze a long time ago.

His last words held more power than my will and I could not help but melt in his arms, sticking to him like second skin.

He hated hurting me, I get that now.

He didn't regret kissing me, I get that now.

Maybe he was hurting too.

Our shadows were already meshing together, so I figured we should too.

I took two steps forwards, clutching the front of his T-shirt in both my fists as I rested my head on his chest and his powerful stomach getting stronger with each breath, like it was filling my head instead of my lungs.

Like I was trying to instill it in my memory forever.

"Okay," I whisper in all genuineness.

There was no going back. There was no will to go back.

"I'm sorry I hurt you," he whispered in my ear, engulfing me in his arms as he did. I was never more thankful for his jacket for acting as a barrier between his raw touches and the way they would burn the skin on my back.

"I forgive you, Nathaniel." I smiled into his chest, when I felt him visibly relax under my palms.

But but...what's the rush?

Certain things had to be done first.

I hummed to myself and pulled away from him a little too soon for my liking. Difficult as it was, I had more important things to put into action.

His grey orbs held confusion at first, until it was followed by the pain he had coming when I punched him square in the stomach. At least he won't turn impotent with that one.

He clutched his stomach as he bent down to gasp for air.

"Now, I forgive you," I smiled smugly, flipping my hair like I was the next Khabib.

"So violent," he scrunched his face up and I bit my lip to suppress my little bubbles of laughter.

"You deserved it," I shrugged in mock arrogance. Clueless boys needed to be explained everything like they were kindergarteners. Oh God.

"Probably," he nodded, straightening up.

"Now don't go ignoring me for another week," he chided, rubbing the sore spot where I had landed my warning shot on him.

Says the guy who ignored me for more than two years, for reasons best known to him. Ass.

It's time for payback, baby.

"I'll think about it," I smirked, walking past him as I settled myself on the grass using his jacket as my mattress.

"Really?" The eye-roll must have been very intense if I could feel it even two yards away. The annoyance was radiating off him like the stench from a chronic alcoholic who hadn't bathed in months.

"Mayyybeee...or mayyybeee not," I dragged the words out dramatically. When you lived with Amelia Hart, you certainly couldn't help but pick up a thing or two. He scoffed, folding his arms across his chest like a petulant child. Guess who didn't like being kept in the dark.

"Guess you'll never know, Nathaniel."

My smirk stayed put - after all I learned from the best, right?