Wolven Rising: Untold Stories

GR-4: Regrets

***Warning: s****l Content***

Shasta

"That's it," I hissed. "Just like that."

The brunette from last week kept bobbing her head up and down, taking my c**k deep in her throat, moaning around it. I leaned against the wall in the alley and let her do her work, closing my eyes.

This wasn't the first time I'd done something like this. And like each time, I told myself it was the last. I couldn't keep doing the whole fooling around in nooks and crannies around the human town. But, ever since I crossed that line about a year ago, I couldn't seem to stop. Whenever I needed to take the edge off, I somehow found myself here, with the latest girl that showed interest in me.

"Good girl," I growled as she sped up, the head of my c**k hitting the back of her throat. "Just a little more."

She grasped my thighs and looked up at me through her eyelashes, but I looked away. I wasn't here for any kind of connection beyond the physical. This was only to momentarily fill a void for me.

"I'm gonna c*m," I warned her in a tight voice as I felt my balls tighten. She kept right on going, which I took as an invitation to finish in her mouth. Sure enough, when I erupted seconds later, she swallowed every last drop and licked me clean like I was the best dessert she ever had.

"How was that?" she asked in a would-be sultry voice, running her hands up my abs as she got awkwardly to her feet.

"It was great," I said with a fake half-smile, telling her what she needed to hear. I discreetly pulled up my boxers and zipped my jeans.

"Yeah, how great?" She pressed, pushing her breasts onto my chest.

"Really great," I said, not in the mood to play her game. She pouted, obviously wanting me to return the favor. That was something I usually tried to avoid doing, if I could.

"Shasta, where are you?" I heard Harlie's voice call out from the nearby street.

"s**t, I gotta go..." I said to the girl, whose name I finally realized I didn't know. She was literally saved in my phone as "Brunette shop girl." Harlie could not have interrupted at a better time.

"But...wait!" she whined. "You got to feel good, isn't it my turn?"

"Next time," I said offhandedly, already inching away.

"Promise?" She said, staring at me expectantly.

"Shasta!" Harlie shouted impatiently.

"Uhh, see you around," I said, dodging the question and striding quickly away, glancing down to make sure my pants were done up right.

"You smell like you had a good time," Harlie said accusingly, wrinkling her nose when I caught up with her.

"Do you have a problem with that?" I said back.

"No, but I bet Hunter does," she said, hitting the nail right on the head. Fooling around might feel good in the moment, but I always felt awful afterwards. Hunter blocked me out for days, each and every time it happened. It was a vicious cycle, really. I'd do something I shouldn't with someone that wasn't my mate, Hunter would ignore me, then we'd fight about it, and work it out, only for it to happen again later. It was a vicious cycle, one that both I and my wolf were growing tired of.

"My wolf is none of your business," I finally said. "Or my good times."

Harlie snorted. "Whatever. If you want to go around dishonoring the mate bond, that's on you. I'm telling you, if I found out you were my mate when we turned eighteen, I would have kicked your ass. Repeatedly."

I stayed silent. While I may have wanted to stand up for myself, getting into it with Harlie was pointless. She was relentless, and always won. Plus, in this case, I knew she was right to begin with, and I didn't want to feel any worse than I already did. It really was a relief that nobody at Mount Haven was my mate, especially Harlie or Kendria. I didn't know how I could face them if the Moon Goddess had fated us to be together.

"So, what do you think?" she said, interrupting my thoughts as we continued down the street. We were on a supply run to make sure everyone had what they needed to function without us while we were at the Gathering, along with trying to buy up some seeds to plant bigger gardens in the spring. We stopped at the nursery and started going through seed envelope packets.

"About what?" I asked, looking through the varieties of green beans.

"What do you mean, about what? About our trip to Harvest Moon to become an official pack!" Harlie exclaimed, tossing some carrot seeds into her basket. "It's only a week away, now. This could be what we've been waiting for."

"Yeah, it could be. I don't know, I guess I don't want to get my hopes up," I replied, adding some lettuce seeds to the mix. Maybe it was the pessimistic side of me coming out, but I was feeling increasingly nervous about the whole thing. I was afraid they'd take one look at us and laugh us out of the council chamber. "There hasn't been a new official pack since Night Star, and that was nearly a century ago. The more I think about it, the less likely it seems like it will happen."

"Who cares when the last new pack was formed?" Harlie said. "We have the numbers, we can support ourselves, and we've been steadily expanding. They'd be crazy not to grant us official pack status."

"They might feel threatened," I countered. "In their eyes, we're basically organized rogues. Kind of like Silas." Ugh, that was the wrong thing to say.

Harlie fixed me with a glare. "We. Are Nothing. Like. Silas." She bit out with a note of finality.

Yup, definitely wrong thing to say. "Yeah, you're right, I know," I mumbled, tossing some random seeds into the basket. I didn't even know why I was arguing with her. We all wanted the same thing, to become a pack. Maybe I was just letting my depression and guilt over my recent alley escapade get to me, but it just seemed like there was no way it would work out.

"Goddess, you're pissing me off, today," Harlie griped, snatching the packets back out. "Since when do we live in a place that supports the growing of peppers? We'd need a greenhouse for that."

"So you're mad at me for picking out the wrong seeds?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I'm not mad at you, I guess," Harlie said, grabbing a few more seed packets before making her way to the checkout line. I followed, mentally preparing myself for a dressing-down. "It's more that I'm...disappointed."

"Disappointed?" I asked, surprised. That wasn't really an emotion I thought Harlie ever had much time for.

"Yeah," she said, unpacking the basket onto the conveyer belt and smiling at the older woman behind the counter. She finished her transaction, then walked out the door, with me trailing after.

Just when I thought she wasn't going to elaborate, she spoke again. "It seems like you have no direction lately, Shasta. Like you don't know what you want out of life. We've been working to become an official pack for a long time now, but it's like...you lost your drive, or something. You don't really seem to get excited about anything anymore. You continue hooking up with random girls instead of trying to find your mate. You're not even reading as much as you used to."

I trudged along beside her, mulling over her words in my head. "It's not that I don't know what I want out of life," I started slowly. "I don't think so, anyway. It's more like I don't know how to get there."

"...Okaaaaay."

"Look, I want what every werewolf wants, don't I? To find my mate. To live a peaceful, prosperous life surrounded by friends and family. To be part of a true pack. But we aren't a pack," I said, picking up steam. "And even if we manage to become one, then what? We're still working on freeing wolves from Silas, and helping them overcome their trauma. We are far from the level of prosperity we had at Blue Hills. My family is dead," I spat bitterly. "And we're so far away from any other packs, there's next to no chance for any of us to find our mate, ever. The simplest things in life, that should be a given, and none of them are within reach!"

Harlie was quiet for awhile, and for once in my life I thought I had won. Now that I had voiced the words aloud, I realized just how much I meant them. Sometimes I just felt so...helpless.

"That's a bunch of bull," Harlie said all of a sudden.

"What?" I asked, taken aback.

"I said, that's a bunch of bull!" She repeated. "I can't believe that, after all this time, you think so little of everything we've done. We started out in a f*****g cave, Shasta. A cave. And now we have a lodge, cabins, and more than one means to support ourselves. Sure, you lost your family. Just about everyone in our pack has. But we are your family now, Shasta. I may not be the best sister, but I would take a silver bullet for you, and so would Kendria, just like I know you would for us. And a peaceful life? Why would you want that? It would be completely boring. As for finding your mate, if we become a real pack, then as a Beta you'll have all sorts of opportunities to travel to different packs, and we can host members of other packs in our territory, so your odds of finding your mate will go way up. Just keep your d**k in your pants, stop wallowing, and be thankful for what you have, Goddess damn it!"

I flinched back. "You should feel lucky that Kendria doesn't know the extent of what you're feeling," Harlie continued, relentless. "She probably wouldn't want you to be her Beta anymore."

"Hey!" I exclaimed. "That was below the belt."

Harlie sighed. "Yeah, it was. Sorry." We walked in awkward silence for a little way down the street, towards the car that was coming into view. "Sorry," she said again, this time more sincerely. "She would never demote you like that. But don't think she doesn't know that something's been up with you. She just has so much on her plate right now that she hasn't bugged you about it."

"And your plate—"

"Clean as a whistle, except for you," Harlie said cheerfully.

"That's not true," I said, chuckling a little, the balance between us slowly being restored. "You and I are almost as busy as she is, and you know it."

"You're right," Harlie agreed. "But I have more room on my plate than she does on hers, so you're stuck with me. I know you two connect in a different way than you and I do, but hopefully, I'm not the worst replacement in the world. Even if I suck at pep talks."

We reached the car and I slid behind the wheel. Harlie was happy to oblige, since it meant she could use her precious phone while we were on the road—and had cell service. "You're not a replacement," I told her sincerely. "You're you. And this time around, you were exactly who I needed to give me a good kick in the pants."

"That's for sure," she laughed. "We good?"

"Yeah, we're good," I replied, turning the key in the ignition.

"And Shasta?"

"Yeah?"

"I won't try to tell you that the things you want will be easy," she said, locking eyes with me using the rear-view mirror. "You might go your whole life without some of them. But the things we do have, we worked hard to earn. So will the things we gain in the future. And that makes them all the sweeter."

Harlie settled back into her seat while I pulled out into traffic. I pondered the conversation we just had. I knew Harlie wasn't all that happy with some of the things she had to do, like warrior training. She was downright sassy about it most of the time. But she sounded so...optimistic just now. I guess, under the surface, she really did have a deep connection to our cause and our people.

I immediately felt like an imposter when the thought crossed my mind. What was wrong with me? Kendria worked so hard to build our home, and she kept working to make it great. Harlie was vigilant, upbeat, and never seemed to let anything get her down. Here I was—

"Shasta?"

"Yeah?"

"Stop beating yourself up."

I shook my head. She really did know me all too well. So did Kendria. Ever since they learned I had the tendency to blame myself for my family's deaths—My childhood nightmares had seen to that, they harped on me for years until I was able to admit that it was beyond my control. Mostly. There were still random moments when it caught me off guard, and I was gripped with paralyzing guilt over their absence. Like now. They would be so disappointed in—

"Shasta?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm serious. Stop beating yourself up," Harlie said, reaching up to touch my shoulder. "I didn't say what I said to get you down in the dumps. I said it so you could do some soul searching, and maybe make some changes for the better."

"Okay," I said, touching her hand with my fingertips before returning it to the wheel. "I'll do my best."

"That's all I can ask," she said, flopping back in her seat.

---

Later that night, I tossed and turned. The events of the afternoon kept replaying in my head, over and over again. I was still a little rattled at how transparent I was. I thought I'd been doing a good job of keeping up my easy-going, laid-back facade. I should have known better than to think I could keep anything from Harlie or Kendria.

It was time to grow up. I needed to start seeing more joy in life and what I had. It really was a lot, when you thought about it. I had two best friends, a warm bed at night, and work that I was proud of. There was a lot to be thankful for, and I was acting like a child. Messing around wasn't getting me anywhere except trouble with my wolf and guilt over what my future mate would think if she found out.

Hopefully she'll forgive us, Hunter said solemnly.

Oh, you're talking to me? I wasn't expecting to hear from you for a few more days at least.

I can feel a change in you. It's different this time. Not the usual temporary guilt that wears off next time you get hard up.

...Thanks? I guess.

We can do this, Shasta. Warrior blood runs through our veins. You can find it in yourself to fight for what you want. We both can, Hunter said.

Thank you, I said, meaning it from the bottom of my heart. Being on the same page with Hunter settled something inside me I didn't even know was off until it clicked into place.

This would be the start of my new outlook on life. I could wallow in regret, but—as Harlie pointed out, that wasn't going to get me anywhere. What I was going to do was start trying to change my outlook on life. Big changes were coming, and I needed to be ready for them. We were going to the Gathering in two week's time, and I had to prove myself to be a capable Beta to support our quest to become an officially recognized pack. Once we had that, I and my wolf would no longer be alone in our shared mind. We'd have the mindlink. We'd have our pack, always there when we needed them, our wolves connecting in a way they weren't currently able to. We weren't meant to be alone. We were made to be together.

I relaxed back onto my pillow and, for the first time in a long time, fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.