Have You Ever

Roller-coaster of Emotion

06.10.15 / 09:55 PM

“Hey there! How are you? Are you doing great? Or the same old story? How’s life? How is it going? I hope you’re doing fine.” When will I ever hear these words from you? When will I ever stop writing my thoughts but talk to you rather in person? When will I ever hear your voice and stop imagining who you are or how you look like? When will I ever stop asking these questions but rather feel your warm embrace at times like this? I hope you’re doing fine wherever you are right now. At least you should be doing fine, unlike me. ‘Coz nowadays, I am barely hanging.

It’s been six months since I graduated but I am still stuck in this kind of situation. I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I’m still looking for the right job that suits me the most. I was asked to work under my aunt’s company, a real estate to be exact, but I don’t find myself enjoying doing sales and marketing. And I don’t want to push myself to do something against my will just for the sake of earning money. I know that I don’t have the right to be choosy as a fresh graduate but it’s better to work while enjoying what you are doing. Because once you love what you do, everything seems okay despite the stress or challenges that you might encounter. And it’s better to do the things you love while learning and gaining different experiences. I’m tired of this kind of cosplay, being a good daughter, and follow whatever they think what’s good for me. Of course, no parents will aim for something bad for their child but sometimes so much expectation from their children, when they don’t even care of what we feel, makes us suffocated and exhausted. Now I understand why some became rebellious or were always caught in an argument with their parents. They always insist on what they think what’s good for us without giving attention to what we want.

Some might say, “You’re too old for that! Live your life, do what you want!” How I wish I could do that. After what happened to my eldest brother, my parents felt everything crumbled down when he decided not to finish his studies and became rebellious because he wasn’t able to pursue his dream to become an architect due to our lack of finances. He was forced to take a two-year course in an unknown rural college. He did different staff to show his rebellious act against my parents. At that time, I don’t understand what he was going through until here I am. Ironically, we are in a similar situation.

After what happened to him, I decided to obey my parents by doing what they want. Since I don’t have any plans ahead of me, I decided to follow what they told me to do so. But this time, I don’t think it will work. I have to do something or else I will regret it if I have to follow what they want even if I don’t. I won’t be rebellious or what. Instead, I will be more expressive but respectful so I won’t hurt their feelings so badly.

But when I tried to talk to them and spill what’s on my mind, my father told me that I’m wasting time doing nothing instead of taking those random jobs. And it hits me down to my core. I got confused. Am I wasting my time? And am I being selfish and never thought about what’s good for us? But, is this what’s best for us? Then I start crying while giving thoughts about everything. How I wish I could run to you at times like this and welcomes me without asking any question. Instead, you’ll just hug me tightly without any condition. And you’ll wipe my tears and your warm big hands pat my back at times like this. Will you please show up already so I could stop writing this kind of drama?

Anyway, I have to stop writing and start sleeping so I can wake up early in the morning and start submitting CVs on different websites. I hope this time, on my 184th online application, I’ll receive a call for the job that I’ve been looking for. Wish me luck!

See! I don’t even know who you are but having you give a lot of comforts. Having you on my mind makes me feel a lot better than letting these stuff stroll all over my mind. Hope to see you soon, MyLabs.”

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I should sleep before these thoughts eat me up. I started to pick my favorite pajama and wear my favorite BT21 headband. Of course, don’t forget your skincare routine despite how awful your mood could be. Don’t let that awful feeling ruin your skin. I started cleansing my face with my oil-based cleanser to remove my make-up. I went somewhere a while ago and meet up with Girls to lift my mood so I had to put some. Then I start lathering my facial foam and gently rub it all over my face. How refreshing. Get some toner to keep the moisture on our skin and remove other harmful bacteria that might sink deeper into the skin while traveling or being exposed outside. And my “nighttime skincare ritual” continues.

How refreshing and relaxing having this hydrating face mask on top of my face while lying down on my bed. How I wish I could always live like this and never worry about what tomorrow might bring. Then a deep sigh comes out. I don’t want to stress out myself but I can’t deny the fact that I am bothered with what’s going to happen. Everyone has been paving the path towards their dream or career path while I’m still running around circles, continue running without a goal. I just keep on moving but I feel like I’m stocked from where I begin. Here we go again, reality sucks.

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“Hey! Wake up! Your phone has been ringing four times. Pick it up.”

 My mom woke me up by her panic. Four times? From who? Who would have called me early this morning?

“My gally!” I shouted while looking at the screen of my phone. It’s already ten in the morning but I’m still rolling all over my bed.

“Why? Who called you? Do you know who is it from?”

Yeah, right. I forgot that somebody called four times. Waking up this late is more shocking than seeing those four missed calls and ten messages on my phone. I’m sorry about that mom.

Four missed calls from unknown numbers. Two numbers were from a telephone and two missed calls from an unknown cellphone number. Who could it be? Maybe a call for a job interview?! My gally! Don’t tell me, it’s another opportunity lost. I hope it’s not. I immediately browse the text messages and see if some unknown number texted me. And, bingo! There’s a text message, indeed.

“Good day! This is Jeanne, HR staff from ATLE Industries, Inc. Will you please send me a message when is the right time to call you for a short interview regarding your application for the position of Production Coordinator? Thank you.”

I swiftly run into the bathroom, washed my face, and brushed my teeth to wake up my sleeping soul. I couldn’t believe that finally, things started to work accordingly. I texted back Ms. Jeanne to call me as soon as she can and apologized for not picking up the call. I usually woke up at eight in the morning but I don’t know why I woke so late today. Maybe because I feel so drained with all those emotions poured in my diary s***h journal yesterday. As expected, you’re a great help MyLabs. You make me feel so calm without doing anything. Thanks to that, I feel like I hibernated and gained a lot of good energy.

My phone is ringing. I just throw away my towel on my bed and picked up the phone immediately.

“Yes, hello!”

“Hello! Good morning! May I speak with Ms. Nathalie Czarina Almonte?”An unfamiliar sweet feminine voice from the other line calls out my name.

“Yes ma’am, speaking. Who’s this please?” I replied.

“This is Jeanne, HR staff from ATLE Industries, Inc. I am calling to conduct a short phone interview regarding your application for the position of Production Coordinator.” She continues.

“S-sure ma’am. My pleasure.” My gally! My voice is cracking. I can’t hide my excitement and nervousness.

“So how do you like me to address you? Would you prefer to be called Ms. Nathalie? Or Ms. Czarina?” She asked.

“You may call me Enzey, ma’am.” I don’t wanna be called by my full name. Too long to be called that way. Plus, it feels like I’m being reprimanded or what. Is it just me or do you feel the same way?

“Alright, Ms. Enzey. So I have received your application through the website jobhunt.com and I won’t ask you anymore for the basic information since it can already be seen in your curriculum vitae. Instead, I would like to ask why you apply for our company rather than putting up a business. You graduated Entrepreneurial Management, right? And entrepreneurship is related to establishing a business. So why would like to work in here?”

Here we go again, for the nth time, I would like you to know that a fresh graduate who doesn’t have a wealthy family to support me cannot pursue the business world even if I want to unless I have to take a loan. But who will entrust their money to someone who just graduated and hasn’t prove anything yet? How I wish I can just put up my own business and be the boss.

“Regarding that ma’am, as of now, I cannot put up my own business because I don’t have the capital yet. So, for me to attain such a dream, I have to work as an employee and earn enough money. But I guess it will take a little more time to make it possible because I have to support my family.”

“Aren’t you single? Or do you already have children?” She added.

“No, ma’am. I’m too young for that matter. It’s just that I want to fulfill my filial duties.” I answered. Really, huh? Too young? Some at your age get married and settled already. What do you mean by too young? My gally! This nervousness is eating me up.

“You’re right. I got my first baby at the age of 21, at your age, and got married at 23. But sometimes I regret that I didn’t enjoy enough of my solitude. Now, I can’t even go to the bathroom because of my youngest child.” Then she laughed. Good thing she laughed and did not get offended.

“Anyway, sorry about that. Too personal, isn’t it?” then she laughed again. “Are you available on Thursday? That’s October 15. You have to come here to the office to take our pre-employment examination and for a final interview?” She added.

Final interview?!? Did I hear it right? Is this for real?? Okay, self. Please come down. There will be a final interview, pull up yourself. You have to do a great job and nail it.

“Yes, ma’am,” I answered enthusiastically.

“Okay, Ms. Enzey. I’ll send you the details later through text message. Have a good day!”

“Same to you, ma’am.”

Finally, this is it. I have to get this job or else I have to take another random job even if I don’t like it. I run into the kitchen and told my mom about the news. And she was excited as I do. Until my dad came and I told him about the great news. As expected, he doesn’t look as pleased.

“Are you sure about that this time? Or you’ll just leave it again whenever you want?! Grow up, Nathalie!” he grouched.

“Can’t you just be happy and support what she wants?!” Mom said being annoyed with my dad’s attitude.

Last night, I was down and dejected; then woke up happy and excited for the great news. And here we are again, feeling downhearted because of what I heard. I don’t know why, but I still get affected even though I know he’s just being that way because of what happened to my eldest brother. But I shouldn’t be down and unmotivated. I have to prove to him that this is what I want to do.

What a rollercoaster of emotion.