Losing The Light Of The Moon

The Heavy Burden of Guilt

Chapter Three: The Heavy Burden of Guilt...

TATIANA

Standing in my favorite spot by the lake, I felt quite overwhelmed with a myriad of emotions flowing through me as memories continued to replay in my mind. Visions of my first days at Crescent Moon, Julien and I sitting in this very spot by the water for hours talking, picnics we would have with Jace from the time he was a baby. And then there were the memories of what everyone had gone through since the battle...all of it now at the forefront of my mind...

Jace was standing beside me, gazing out over the water just as I was, until quietly breaking through our awkward silence, “This has always been my favorite spot over the years. The only place I could find peace when there was turmoil in my life. It wasn’t until recently that I realized why...this has been our spot for as long as I can remember.”

“Mmmmm,” I hummed out before dreamily reminiscing, “I brought you here the day you were born. This very spot has given me the same peace inside since the day your father brought me here. I was so nervous about being accepted by everyone. Even then there were many who did not approve of witches.”  

Laughing softly under my breath, I continued, “But your father had no worry at all of our acceptance here. Julien was so adamant I had nothing to worry about and in the end, he was right. Everyone was so welcoming from the moment we arrived. My happiest days lie right here at Crescent Moon with your father...and you, my darling Jace.”

My tone reflected my inner torment and fear as I reluctantly admitted, “I’m afraid the nervousness has returned as I stand here now. But for a much different reason today.”

Jace nervously ran one hand up and down the back of his head while the other pulled down along either side of his reddish blonde beard as he responded with sweet words of comfort, “Nothing has changed, Mother. You are still accepted and in fact, loved and adored as you have always been at Crescent Moon—as you have always been...by me. But there is something else troubling you, isn’t there?”

I couldn’t stop my fear from spilling out as I downheartedly replied, “I’ve seen what you have been through over the years, my love. All the horrid experiences you have endured with my kind, especially with Amelia. I understand if it bothered you when your memories returned—if it bothers you now—the fact that your mother is a witch.”

Jace immediately placed his hands on my shoulders, gently turning me around as he softly argued, “That could not be further from the truth, I promise you. In fact, the return of my memories did the opposite, Mother. Between you, my aunts, and Raven, it has made me realize that I had been judging all witches on the few bad ones I had encountered. I know now that there can be so much good done with magic if there is pureness of heart and goodness within, qualities that have always been within you. It makes me very proud that you are my mother.”

“Even though I failed all of you so miserably?” I pleadingly asked, my body beginning to shake as every frantic thought that had been flowing through my mind since the return of my memories devastatingly poured out in broken rambling sobs, “Everything you have gone through, Jace, is because I faltered in the battle with Roman and Miranda that night. I didn’t protect myself or my sisters well enough against that spell. In turn, I allowed Miranda, Roman, Amelia, and Callisto to destroy our family!”

My chest heaved heavily as I guiltily declared, my tone thick with overwhelming despair, “Every horrid event that you endured afterwards is because of me and my failure to protect what mattered most to me that night—you and your father! Not to mention all my other loved ones—my dearest friends! Thanks to me, those girls who I love and adore with every fiber of my being were left in that field abandoned and alone to fend for themselves! You were all children, Jace! Children who suffered so greatly in the aftermath because I let all of you down!”

His expression fell into complete confusion as Jace incredulously asked, “You can’t possibly believe that all of that was your fault, Mother.”

“Oh, but I can,” I brokenly whispered, “You see, after Sarika had the vision of what was to come, we formed a plan to combine our powers—to alter that fate, Jace...and I was the key.” 

Unable to remain in his gaze, my eyes dropped to the ground below as I reluctantly admitted, “I had never failed in my magic—not until that night—and my inability—my falter—it caused so much pain in the choices that were required to be made for so many that I love. Not to mention I handed Amelia the perfect scenario that brought so much turmoil and pain to your life. While I am grateful all has been restored as it should be, I still carry the burden of what should have been.”

“You of all people should know that challenging fate is a tricky beast, Auntie,” Raven knowingly called out from behind us, causing Jace and I to redirect our gazes to the beautiful dark-haired young girl, “My mother knew that as well, but in your desperation—in the boundless love that you and my mother hold in your heart for us all—you attempted your plan anyway. You did not falter that night, I assure you. Because the unfortunate truth is—not even the two most powerful witches on this earth could have achieved the impossible that night. Fate had already sealed its plan.”

“What exactly was this plan you and Sarika had, Mother?” Jace queried, his head slowly moving to gaze between the two of us.

“In the event that Miranda gained the upper hand in their battle,” Raven slowly stated, “Our mothers were going to attempt to ensure that the gift was transferred to someone who was powerful enough to contain and utilize it as it was meant to be utilized until the time came that I was ready—your mother.”

I could feel Jace’s stunned eyes on me, but I still couldn’t look at him as I admitted in shame, “Raven is correct about our plan. That is why Sarika had your aunts and I there that night. If the vision proved to be reality, she and I were going to perform a spell attempting to transfer the gift to me and then I was to retrieve the girls from the field and bring them here to Crescent Moon.”

Thick tears fell from my eyes as my conversation with Sarika from that night replayed in my mind, my tone reflecting the same depth of emotion as I quietly replied, “We weren’t sure if it would work, but there was one thing Sarika and I did know. No matter the cost, Miranda could not be allowed to leave Mystic Fire alive and most certainly would not walk away with those powers. Fortunately, I was able to make sure that part of the plan came to fruition, killing her before we disappeared as Sarika demanded after our memories were erased. But that twist of fate also left the girls abandoned and alone in the field, as well as my devastating abandonment of you and your father.”

“Which would be the reason for my interruption,” Raven kindly stated as she walked towards us, “Mother and Father wanted me to relieve you of the burden that consumes you now. To remind you that just like all of us, Auntie, you, Reina, and Persephone suffered the greatest devastation and loss from fate’s hand that night. Mother loved you and the friendship you shared more than you can possibly imagine. She hopes you can forgive her for everything that night cost you and it is her greatest wish that you do not allow what happened to us to weigh heavily on your heart. Which is why she asked me to also remind you of your ability to let go of anger and pain, something that she admired so greatly about you.”

“My lantern,” I murmured, turning my head to look back out onto the water, “I loved Sarika deeply as well, Raven, and while it may be her greatest wish, I’m afraid the struggle I feel inside is too great. Besides, it’s been so long since I have utilized that spell. I’m not sure that it would even work in this particular instance.”

“Oh, I think it will work quite well if you allow it,” Raven warmly replied as she came to stand beside Jace, “It has never failed you or any of us in the past, if my memory serves. A spell you created yourself as a child. With my memories restored, I remember it to be such a beautiful way to let go of things that can weigh so heavily on one’s heart. You would always bring it forth whenever any of us felt pain or sorrow.”

“That was a long time ago, Raven,” I despairingly stated, although there was that part of me that knew she was right. 

I felt Jace’s finger under my chin as he brought my face back around to look into his eyes, which were filled with such compassion and love as he softly urged, “She’s right, Mother. While you and Sarika had good intentions, there is nothing you could have changed about that night.  It is something we have all had to accept. You need to bring forth your lantern and put all this burden you feel into it. Allow yourself to let it go. Please, for me.”

“Pardon another interruption,” Aruna’s calming voice broke in, “But I have to agree with Jace and Raven, Tatiana. Sarika is not the only one who would want this. I know in my heart that Julien would want me to encourage you to do the same, especially knowing what you have gone through in the past.”

“That’s not fair, Aruna,” I devastatingly protested.

“Many things have not been fair for you in this life, Tatiana,” Aruna comfortingly replied, “In particular, this hand dealt to you by fate. It seems you and Jace are very similar in that regard. Perhaps now that you are together as you should be, you can both put everything from the past behind you.”

Looking over at her, I smiled weakly, “You haven’t changed one bit, Aruna. Always so kind and full of love.”

“Wonderful traits you and I share, Tatiana. One of the reasons we formed a deep connection so quickly,” Aruna kindly returned as she walked up to stand beside Raven, “And one of the many reasons Julien fell so deeply in love with you the instant he saw you.”

I couldn’t stop myself from voicing out the greatest fear in my heart, my voice cracking as I whispered out, “Do you think he remembered me? Once he entered the afterlife? I still feel so much love for him in my heart. To know that he and Callisto…”  My words trailed off as I brought my hand up to my neck, my fingers gently trailing over the spot where Julien had sealed our love, brokenly breathing out as I looked at the ground once more, “Somehow, his mark was stolen from me as well.”

Jace’s arms were instantly around me, pulling me tight into his broad muscular frame, lovingly stating, “I have no doubt Father remembered the deep endless love he held for you. A love that is still held for you, Mother. He’s here with us now. Happy that you are back home with me.”

Bringing his hand up comfortingly to the back of my head, Jace laid a sweet kiss atop of it before exhaling out, “Your burden is mine as well, you know. My love for you is also endless, Mother, and there is nothing I won’t do for you.”

My nervousness returned as I murmured against his chest, “My love for you knows no bounds, my darling. There is nothing I won’t do for you either.”

Pulling me back slightly, Jace leaned his head down to look deep into my eyes as he affectionately requested, “Then, what do you say we do as Aruna suggested and both utilize that beautiful lantern of yours? Let the past go and move forward together building more good memories, hmmmm?”

“That sounds like the perfect plan,” Aruna sweetly stated with a wide smile, “for both of you.”

“Agreed,” Raven grinned, “What do you say, Auntie?”

Slowly nodding, I beamed up at my precious son, “Alright. Together it shall be.”

Extending my arm out, I steadily twisted my hand up, a deep green light emitting out from my palm as I curled my fingers inward to capture the aura before releasing them outward once more. Ever so slightly, my rectangular emerald lantern took shape until it hovered in front of us. Motioning my first finger back towards me, a door opened on the side. 

Looking back up at Jace, I took in a deep breath before exhaling out, “Ready?”

A wide grin spreading across his face, Jace nodded, “Ready!”

Placing two fingers on my temple, I closed my eyes and brought forth all the harrowing thoughts that were haunting me—all the guilt, fear, anger, and angst now at the forefront of my mind. Slowly, I pulled my fingers away, the thoughts swirling into a ball as I pulled all the pain away from my heart and mind. My eyes fluttered open as I allowed everything to release into the green churning light, guiding it towards my lantern until it was contained, glowing inside the barrier walls. 

Turning to Jace, I knowingly nodded towards him before placing the same two fingers on his temple, performing the same action—memories of the ritual I had performed on him as a child whenever he felt despair and pain inside—smiling as a familiar bright orange light emitted from the side of his head, rippling until it formed a ball that I guided into the lantern causing the two colors to whirl around one another creating the brightest glimmer ever to be held in this little spell of mine. 

“I always loved this, you know,” Jace surreally stated, “This special way you enabled freedom from painful thoughts that can consume someone. It always amazed me that it instantly relieved one’s heart and mind.”

“Mmmmmm,” I hummed out, staring at the lantern thoughtfully, “Although admittedly, I had temporarily forgotten the benefit, I am incredibly thankful for it and all of you.” 

Wrapping my arms around Jace’s waist, I breathed out, “I needed to remember that sometimes letting things go is an act of far greater power than hanging on to things that take away the gift of what one can have in the present. Accept that there are things I can’t change about what fate decided we all had to endure in the past, no matter how painful that knowledge may feel.”

His arms tightly around my shoulders, there was a hint of worry in his tone as Jace asked, “Are there any other burdens you need to place in our lantern?”

Remembering my earlier concern, I reluctantly said, “I know your aunts and I are a bit eccentric and quirky with our banter and style. I don’t want to embarrass you or—"

Jace quickly broke in, chuckling out humorously, “That is definitely not a burden you should be holding inside! I wouldn’t change anything about you or my aunties! You keep things interesting, which I happen to love!”

“Really?” I hesitantly pressed, looking up and searching his handsome face to decipher his true feelings, “I know we can be a bit much, my darling. As a child, it may not be as obvious, but now that you are grown—”

Squeezing my shoulders, Jace adamantly interrupted again, “I would not change one thing about you, Mother. Ever.”

“Neither would we,” Aruna kindly stated. I looked over to find both she and Raven affectionately smiling back at me.

Their words brought tears to my eyes—but this time they were happy tears—as I choked out, “Well, then I guess it’s time to send our lantern and our worries away.”

Bringing my arm out again, I brought forth my powers, gently pushing against the lantern before watching it slowly climb up, gliding across the water before I sent a gust of wind to carry it up into the sky. The gleaming orange and green auras continuing to spin around one another—until the haunting worries of the past Jace and I had held within us burst through lantern, sending a cascade of the colors back down towards the lake, dissipating in the air before they could hit the rippling water. 

“So beautiful,” Raven breathed out in awe, “After seeing your spell again after all these years, I can’t help but feel your magical lanterns are the reason I have always been fascinated by them and loved them so much. Gavin actually proposed to Lorelei with red paper lantern on her birthday just recently.”

“Well, they do say leaving a paper lantern in the sky is also a wish come true, which means our Gavin is quite the romantic,” I slowly breathed out, watching as the last remnants of light disappeared, “I think that is why I chose a lantern to be the vessel in this particular spell. My way of making a wish come true every time the need arose to conjure it up—the restoration of peace within the heart and mind of those that were in despair.”

“Seems you are quite the romantic yourself, Mother,” Jace adoringly replied, “But that is not surprising considering your beautiful heart. I feel very much at peace now. I hope you do as well.”

Hugging Jace tightly, I felt immense relief flow through me, “I do, my darling, even more so as we have found the peace together just now.”

While there would always be sadness when it came to Julien’s loss, my words just now were heartfelt and true…I could make peace with everything that happened in the past and embrace a beautiful new beginning with my son—my Jace—and all those I loved so dearly in my heart.