"i'm okay"

1

Why am I here? Why couldn’t it have been me and not her? I can’t live without her. It’s been months but it feels just like yesterday. I have no friends anymore. I pushed them all away. I prefer to be alone now. Being alone is so much better than feeling loss; but I feel loss everyday. I would cry, but I ran out of tears after the first week. Sabrina. Even thinking of her name hurts me. It took everything in me, but I got out of bed and pulled on a grey v-neck. It’s one of the few items I wear. Most of my clothes, she liked, and it feels wrong to wear them. 

“Pierce, honey?” My mom called from the doorway.

“Yeah?” I whimpered unintentionally. 

“I think you should get a job.” She said and I turned around to face her.

I gave her a confused look, she always said I could live here as long as I wanted without having to pay anything.

“Why?” I questioned, raising my eyebrow while pulling on some dark blue jeans. 

“To get your mind off of… her.” 

“I’ll do it but it won’t help.” I sighed.

“Are you still seeing her?” She asked with a concerned tone.

“Everyday.” My voice cracked as my eyes landed on our first anniversary photo. 

“Have you talked to Hugh about it?” She asked, referring to my therapist I meet with every Tuesday.

Hugh is an okay guy I guess. He tries to help but I don’t pay attention. Nothing can help. Sabrina’s gone and I’m heartbroken. 

“Yeah, right.” I rolled my eyes, brushing my hair out. 

“He’s there to help you Pierce.” 

I gave her a look to not press it. Her expression was sorrowful but it didn’t bother me. At least someone besides me is sad for a change. 

“I can’t be late for school.” I muttered before grabbing my backpack and swiftly walking past her. 

I grabbed an apple for breakfast and strolled out the door and to my car. I sat in the car for a minute, eating my apple when I checked the date. It was April the twenty-fifth. It had been three months exactly. I groaned, knowing everyone would be adding things to the memorial today. I feel responsible for it, considering I was the closest person to her. I just sighed and started playing some music on my phone while I drove. My radio is broken so that was the next best thing.

“I haven't smiled very much today

But I'm okay, I'm okay

All these tears are diamonds on my face

And I'm okay, I'm okay

I think you were the first person who gave me a shot

I want you to know that it meant a fuckin' lot, yeah

You listened when I needed you that Sunday night

You took that blade, threw it away and gave me life”

I sang along to the song, relating to the lyrics. It was as if this song was written about Sabrina and I and I absolutely adored it. It expressed my feelings so well. I used to be a cutter until she convinced me to stop. I knew I would be okay eventually but, for right now, people just had to think I was. I listened to a few more songs on my way to school, humming or singing to all of them. I liked to imagine this was the one time Sabrina could see me and she could see that I was happy even though I definitely was not. 

I loved her. I loved her so much and she left me. She left everyone. I felt something warm trickle down my face and I wiped it away. My tears were back, but not for long, they’ll be all used up soon. I sighed, pulling into the school parking lot. I hated it here. I saw her everywhere. I got out of my car, locking the doors, and walking up to the building. I heard a familiar voice call out my name. 

“Pierce! Hey! I have a question!” Mitch shouted from across the parking lot while running over to me.

Mitch used to be one of my closest friends. We were on the football team together. I quit after the Christmas game when Sabrina died. She had texted me telling me she was having a hard time and I told her I would come over after the game and I did- but it was already too late. She was already gone. I never plan on playing sports again, they ruined the best thing that ever happened to me.

“What Mitch?” I sighed, not in the mood to talk. 

“Are you doing well? I mean, I know it must be hard.”

“I’m okay. I’m just sick and tired of people asking me that stupid question.” I responded.

“Well, coach wanted me to see if you would come back to the team.” He informed me. 

I looked him in the eyes and he could tell I was angry.

“You can tell coach that-” 

“I understand.” He cut me off.

“Is that it?” I snapped, aggravated that he even asked me that.

“Yeah, I think so.” 

I didn’t bother responding and just walked into the school building, heading for the memorial. It was just like normal; the candles, her photo, a few flowers. I have yet to add anything to it. I wanted to add her necklace, but I can’t bring myself to take it off. I felt a tap on my shoulder and I turned around.

“Hey, Pierce.” Felix greeted.

Felix was that one kid who was gay and proud. I mean, I’m bisexual but I don’t really talk about it, not that I’m hiding it, it’s just not a common topic in what little conversations I have. Felix and I had barely ever talked, but we knew who each other were. 

“Hi Felix.” I responded blandly.

“I know we don’t talk but I brought you this. I know how hard this must be. My mom died the same way a few years back.” He explained, handing me a card.

It was blank on the font and was handmade from construction paper. It was green and there were flowers drawn on the inside. Then, Feliz had signed it with the message; “Everything will get better. I promise. Just hang in there.” As stupid as it seems, I smiled.

“You made this?” I questioned, my smile growing.

“My little sister did. I told her that it was for someone like us. She’s 6. She wanted you to that you weren’t alone, and I meant what I wrote. Things get so much better. Just give it time.” Felix consoled.

I felt tears rise to my eyes. 

“That’s really nice of you.” 

“Hey don’t cry Pierce.” Felix said before pulling me into a hug.

I hugged him back and for once, I believed those words. Everything would be ok.