Private Therapy

Chapter Five-1

Chapter Five

At first Karl was too keyed up to talk. If he hadn’t been paralyzed he’d have been bouncing on the edge of his seat. As it was, all he could do was drink in the most mundane sights with something approaching ecstasy. An old man out walking a scruffy-looking dog, a trio of little boys tussling over a ball, other ordinary people passing to and fro or sitting on stoops, each trite scene seemed staged for his delight. After nearly two years shut inside, trapped in his motionless body and emotional prison, everything was now imbued with vividness and charm.

Karl had expected agoraphobia after such an extended detention but instead he devoured each newly revealed vista. Yet mingled with this exhilaration were less uncomplicated sources of upset, ones he didn’t quite care to sort out yet.

Intuitively perceptive as ever, Doreen allowed him to ride in silence, letting him enjoy and adjust without the additional challenge of trying to converse with her – or deal with the nervy novelty of being alone with her out of uniform, in a new and seriously uncertain context.

Still her proximity in their enclosure had its effect. Her (surely deliberately) unspecified intentions for him added another dose of spice to his emotional stew, and as they drove Karl swooped by turns through exuberant giddiness to covert lust and worship to (reasonless as it was) a kind of craven intimidation. Meanwhile, considerate and mindful of his needs as always, Doreen headed straight for the coast. There she turned north onto a littoral highway and settled into a pace leisurely enough for them to enjoy the scenery without making a traffic hazard of themselves. As they passed palm trees, beaches, piers and marinas full of fishing and pleasure boats, seagulls wheeling acrobatically overhead, Karl at last found himself relaxing. His manic exhilaration moderated; mad fantasies faded. The fluttering in his stomach subsided and his rapid breathing eased. Almost unconsciously he unclenched inside.

There was still a certain level of anxiety at the fact of car travel. If they crashed he would be helpless to extricate himself, a prospect that held particular terror for him after the ordeal that haunted his dreams. And strapped in or not, even a sharp enough turn might topple him over as his momentum shifted. Doreen’s driving was expert and mindful of such dangers though. This uneasiness too receded the farther up the coast they went. At last he felt ready for interaction. Karl was searching for a topic to bring up (the immense scope of his gratitude would be a good start), when Doreen gave him another smile and preempted him.

“Feeling a little more normal now, Karl?’

“Yes I am, thanks.”

She nodded sagely.

“Being around water is calming. We don’t really understand it, but it definitely has a therapeutic influence.”

“That’s odd, isn’t it? I mean humans evolved in forest and savannah. You would think we’d feel more comfortable among grass and trees.”

“Well, those grasses and trees were full of dangerous predators: lions and tigers and bears, oh my. Maybe a horizon clear of any cover that might hide deadly beasts is instinctively soothing. Or maybe it’s the ceaseless peaceful movement, kind of like a giant lava lamp.”

“Maybe.”

And with that they were on their way. Conversation stayed light and cheery and proceeded easily. After half a thousand days together they knew each other better than many married couples. And like the luckiest of those couples they still found each other ever more engaging. Of course Nurse Drake’s greater age, experience and education gave her superiority here as in every other arena. But young Karl was as comfortable (and strangely gratified by) being at a disadvantage conversationally as in all those other ways. In any case they grew increasingly animated as they cruised the coastline, perhaps in reaction to finally being free of the constraints of the clinic.

Boisterousness is not encouraged at hospitals for people recovering from catastrophic injuries. Now they laughed and exclaimed and babbled over one another. Doreen slapped her thigh or reached over from time to time to emphasize something with a friendly or affectionate or intensely meaningful squeeze of his leg or arm or even hand. Karl treasured each such gesture even as he devised new gibes. Indeed they were having such a great time that they’d been on the road for over an hour and had come almost thirty miles up the coast before their banter was interrupted. This came courtesy of a loud growling from Karl’s belly. He hadn’t exactly gorged at breakfast, being too filled with butterflies. Doreen laughed.

“Your tummy’s got the hunger grumbles. And I’m parched – talking’s thirsty work. How would you feel about fish for lunch? Fish so fresh it’s still flopping in the kitchen. Would that be a nice change from hospital food?”

“Boy would it ever!” Karl’s stomach cramped again at the thought.

“Well, there are lots of great places all along here. Pick a restaurant birthday boy. Your upkeep is on me. Just pick one that looks wheelchair accessible – though the little hole-in-the-wall dives often have the best fish, unfortunately.”

“We could just run in and grab takeout.” Karl seized on this. “That would save you hauling me in and out of the car and all around like a sack of potatoes.”

“We could do that. But that would deprive me of showing off what a sexy young guy I can get to go out to lunch with me. I have to establish my cougar credentials sometime.”

Karl laughed at this riposte while still searching for a way to demur. He almost claimed agoraphobia, which was at least within orbit of the truth. Doreen would see through that in a second however. In fact she was reading him effortlessly already. Her voice was warm and understanding and she again clasped his limp hand for emphasis. Fortitude poured into him through that grip.

“You’re embarrassed to be seen in public like this. You’re ashamed of your disability. You don’t want to be a sideshow for morons to gawp at.”

Karl swallowed hard. His voice was husky with feeling when he got his throat working.

“You certainly know what makes me tick. But you also have a way of putting things that gently lets me see how misguided I’ve been.

“You’re right, and I’m being silly. A little pride can be essential. Let the morons gawp. I have as much right to the public square as anyone. What are they going to do, lynch me for being crippled? Still, it’s such a beautiful day outside…”

“Well then, look what have here: ‘Mack’s Fish Shack’. Small, privately owned, and they have a deck overlooking the ocean with outdoor tables.”

“That’s good enough for me,” Karl agreed. They slowed down and pulled in. After Doreen transferred him back into the wheelchair (a procedure Karl was profoundly glad he hadn’t forfeited in his silliness), she demonstrated yet again her rare thoughtfulness.

Karl had found that even most health care professionals were often content to just hoist a patient into a chair and then leave them there, sitting with twisted clothes in whatever awkward, dorky-looking position they’d landed in. Nurse Drake however carefully shifted Karl into a casual semi-slouch, spread his legs some in typical male habit and generally arranged his inert limbs so that he looked cool and at ease, a becoming picture regardless of the wheelchair. She tugged his pants legs down to his shoes and pulled a few wrinkles out of his shirt. Then she rolled him out onto the deck, bypassing the restaurant proper with its tightly cluttered spaces. They were seated almost immediately and the great time proceeded.

The day continued to be knock-out gorgeous, though isolated clouds had again begun to sail by. The view of the ocean was so good it was a wonder they had open tables. When Karl and Doreen took one of the last ones there were a few second glances, but no freak show gawping.

Without knowing what he’d expected (people shrieking Ayn Rand screeds or imploring that Jesus could heal him perhaps). Karl found himself surprisingly comfortable. Without doubt this was aided by the way Doreen sat possessively close to him, touching him a lot with proprietary ease as she unabashedly fed them alternating bites of the establishment’s outstanding seafood. Even in the bright summer afternoon Karl found himself mesmerized by her allure. As a former alpha male himself he fancied all the other guys wondering what the hell he must have to merit the favor of the most desirable woman in the place.

Karl wondered himself. Sitting with her practically in his lap, that honey-brown hair all down and a classy dress in place of her omnipresent uniform, the effect of Doreen’s beauty and quiet vivacity was cumulative. Of course he’d never been on a real ‘grown up’ date before either, if that’s what this was. Nurse Drake certainly acted like it. They hogged their table for as long as they could, until clouds were once again threatening to reclaim the day. Then she suggested they give up on the sun and go see a movie.

Twice more Doreen trapped Karl’s legs between her knees, took him into her arms (both hands clasping his buttocks), and adroitly maneuvered his body between means of conveyance.

Her skill was granted, her strength impressive, her clutch and the sense of helpless trust it evoked priceless. They spent three thrilling hours in the dark together then, sharing a soda and watching the latest epic Tolkien adaptation. Rain was actually threatening when they emerged. The dinner hour was imminent, and Doreen set the chair’s brake right out on the sidewalk so the she could come squat down by Karl’s side and converse at his level.

“It’s your party, darling. Shall we have dinner at a nice restaurant? Go out dancing? Two torrid weeks in Maui? Or do you just want a meal together at home like ordinary folks?”

“All that sounds fantastic,” he sighed, though he was feeling a bit of overload. And the gibe about Maui had pierced his armor. “But maybe we ought to settle for the last option before we get wet. I’ve had a big day already – the best since the accident, and one of the best birthdays ever. So thank you very much. But maybe you should just show me to my new digs.”

“Are you sure? I’m remarkably resistant to rainwater – it hasn’t melted me yet, wicked witch that I am. And we can party all night if you like, birthday boy. It’s not every day you turn eighteen. And we’re on our own schedule for the next year.”

This last remark gave Karl an opening, awkward as it was, to finally broach the matter that had been tantalizing him the past three days. After sitting so close together in the dark so long, having Doreen grip his arm in excitement, his hand with feeling and even bury her face in his shoulder a time or two, just as if this really was a real movie date, he finally had the courage to attempt the clumsy segue.

“I guess it depends on what that schedule holds. You still haven’t more than hinted at the kind of magic you mean to perform on me, good witch Glenda. What kind of therapy and treatment are we looking at here?”

Nurse Drake’s smile went from smug to mischievous to indulgent.

“For now, the treatment is to have a good time and the best birthday ever. So what’s it going to be, boy? A four star restaurant? Home and hearth? Or are you going to rob me of the fun and fulfillment of healing you by climbing out of that chair right now and coming to Maui with me? Nothing like an unforgettable Hawaiian fling when rejoining the abled world!”

This last offer was delivered in such a sultry manner that Karl naturally strained desperately to move (a finger even!) with every iota of will be possessed. Alas it remained hopeless. And he hadn’t received an answer to his question. Nevertheless Doreen still looked so lovely, so potent and proprietary that he was instantly defeated: content to merely count the numberless blessings she’d already bestowed and turn himself over to her completely.

“I guess home and hearth it is then. Not that dinner and dancing don’t sound fabulous, and Maui a heaven I could never be worthy of. But for now I’ll settle for just seeing my new accommodations. I’m pretty sure they’ll have the clinic and the state home beat by a mile.”

Doreen’s smile widened; the possessive love and mischievous intent infusing her filling Karl with warmth – and horny unease. She leaned forward and a gave him a long hug, another first not counting transfers, positioning and the like. She followed this with a kiss on the cheek right out in public in front of everyone.

“Okay, young man. To my happy home we go. And once I have you there, you won’t leave until you’re walking!”

Another thoroughly enjoyable transfer and another long car ride later they were at last pulling in at Nurse Drake’s beautiful, surprisingly rural home.

The driveway alone was half a mile long, and beyond the sprawling, one story house the first spatters of rain were stippling a pond a bit larger than the average golf course hazard: more of that therapeutic open water. Doreen thumbed a door opener and they pulled into an attached garage. Safe from the rain, Karl got one more loving clutch and lift and was settled back into his chair. Doreen unlocked a door and pushed him through it.

“Welcome to my humble abode, dear friend. I hope you will find it commodious.”

It was certainly accessible. From the spacious kitchen they’d entered it flowed in an open floor plan: few walls or corners, wide halls and doorways and indeed few doors. The floor was tile in the kitchen, hardwood in the attached dining room and hall leading away and a rather thin carpet in the large open living space.

Karl was familiar enough with disability by now to recognize hard surfaces to ease the rolling of wheelchairs, lifts and other equipment, along with the uncluttered room to maneuver them. Someone had put deliberate foresight into making this home accommodating. Even the doorsill he’d come over and every threshold between rooms and surfaces was designed to minimize bumps. Now Doreen swung Karl around and parked him where he could both look out the big kitchen window at the dock and pond out back and keep her company while she cooked.

The meal was delicious once again: fantastic after almost two years of institutional food. Even better was the fact that it wasn’t just being shoveled into his mouth. While Doreen didn’t lavish him with the showy love she had in public, she still squeezed close to him and fed him from the same plate as her own. They even shared the same glass for convenience, Doreen showing no concern for the swapping of germs or the fact that she was plying her still underage charge with wine. She washed the dishes quickly then and pushed Karl into the living room.

There he scoffed at Doreen’s apologies that she had no cake or ice cream, no gaily wrapped pile of gifts, and they settled in to a first quiet evening at home together. The TV was tuned to a local college football game but muted – one of their numberless points of agreement was that commercials, like nearly all forms of advertising were an insult, offense to, indictment of, and insufferable blight upon humanity. Then with half an eye on the game and more lively-smoochy jazz-rock-soul from the seventies jamming in the background they played card games on the computer and surfed the web together for hours.

Karl had a whole lot of news and world affairs to catch up on, things as a responsible adult of voting age he should know and understand. Along with filling him in and imparting her own wisdom in an entertaining way, Doreen introduced him to favorite sites of her own and shared her collection of hilarious or amazing video clips. They talked and laughed and marveled over the world inexhaustibly. Keenly enjoying this taste of cohabitation, of adult domestic bliss, Karl finally understood that the treatment had indeed already begun.

All day his beloved had been dangling life and all the wonderful fulfillments it had to offer before him like a carrot from a stick. Freed from the sterile confines of the clinic, she was trying to wean him off his subconscious death wish by reminding him of all there was still to live for: great food and art, great sights and places, engaging or at least well-mannered people, rewarding home life and most of all the heaven of a really good mate – if not this one, or the one he’d lost, then one of the billion or so other possibilities out there.

This was certainly a logical beginning, and Karl appreciated it enormously. He couldn’t remember a better day – or if he could, he didn’t want to. No doubt this kind of incentive was insufficient by itself. But the treatment was just beginning, and beginning well. He hadn’t been visited by his usual bitterness, grief and self-loathing all day, despite the fact that the subject and even the emotions associated with love and mating were usually cues. How long this could last Karl didn’t know. Nor did he realize how sorely it was about to be tested.