Defining Love

Horrid News

The fact that even though Audrey lived only blocks away and I couldn't offer to drive her in, too, didn't help. But I was under strict orders from Gemma, and I was not about to blow it.

After a few months, Edi's friendship had become one of the best I'd ever had, which didn't say a whole lot since I'd made few friends my entire life, but still she was everything I could've asked for in a friend. Her friendship couldn't have come at a better time either. I'd begun to hear less from Celia. She and her boyfriend had visited a few times, but as the months passed, I heard less and less from her. It would've probably been more heartbreaking for me if I didn't have Edi to distract me. I let Edi in on my fear that it felt as if Celia were slowly drifting away from me. Some nights I'd be up all night, tossing and turning, and my heart wrenched at the thought that the only real family left in my life—the only person who'd ever loved me—was disappearing.

Edi began calling me late in the evening when I was already in bed to ask how I was doing. Talking to her magically made things better. At least she got my mind off Celia. She was really good about starting off asking about Celia and then casually changing the subject so by the time I got off the phone with her, my mind was on something else completely.

As I got to know Edi better, she let me in on the dynamics of her friendship with both Daphne and Audrey. All three had met in kindergarten. They all lived right around the corner from one another and had grown up almost like sisters, often sleeping over at each other's houses. Their parents all knew each other, and they even spent vacations like camping and trips to the beach in the summer together. She finally mentioned that Audrey had always been the drama queen of the three.

“I won't talk s**t about her because, no matter how difficult she can be at times, she's still one of my best friends. She's just one of those who take everything so personally. And God forbid and Daphne and I plan anything without her. Audrey's so damn paranoid that we're booting her out."

“Why would you plan anything without her?" I asked curiously and trying desperately not to sound paranoid.

After only a few months of hanging around with Edi's crowd, I was included in everything they did. I was certain that if I found out they did something and hadn't told me about it I'd probably feel a little paranoid too. From the way Edi spoke of Audrey, it wasn't a likable quality, so I'd probably never admit to it. Still, I couldn't help feeling nervous.

“We never have!" Edi laughed. “But there are times when Audrey's just not around, so maybe Daphne and I start planning something, fully intending to include Aud, but when she finds out about it, she always has this attitude of, 'You two discussed this without me?' She's always been like that, ever since we were little. She has a really hard time sharing us. Her neediness has always been her weakest, not to mention most annoying, personality trait."

We'd been parked in the school parking lot for a few minutes already as Edi fixed her hair, peering into the mirror behind the passenger visor. I hadn't even realized I'd zoned out thinking about the many times I'd begun to feel needy around Edi. I'd begun to obsess about it actually—afraid someone as popular as she would lose interest in being friends with a nobody like myself. When I finally focused back to Edi's face, she smirked. “What?" she asked.

Instantly, my face felt warm, and I looked down at my bag, shoving my phone into it. “Nothing," I said, swallowing hard.

How could I tell her that I was just as weak as Audrey? More often than not, I'd feel so small next to Edi. The usual angst I felt about being completely unworthy of someone's friendship was a million times worse with Edi. I had to wonder if she knew. Did she realize she was the friend any teen girl dreamed of having—being? Her friends were even jealous of one another. Somehow I got the feeling Audrey wasn't so paranoid about losing out or competing for Daphne's friendship as much as she was of losing Edi's.

“I was just . . . tripping out on Audrey." I shrugged, trying my best to make less of my zoning out. Clearing my throat, I continued, “You'd think after all these years she'd be used to how things are."

Finally, I glanced up, and Edi had what almost looked like a gleam in her eye, but she shrugged again. “Some people never change, I guess."

By the end of junior year, a few things had happened. Audrey had really begun to distance herself to the point where she hardly spoke to any of us anymore. I couldn't help feeling responsible for that. The girl had never warmed up to me, and even though Edi said she'd always been that way, she did admit that it was just this past year that she'd really gotten weird.

My fantasy about being like Edi had only grown with each day I spent around her. She was so impressive when it came to everything. The girl didn't even wear makeup, and she was still stunning. As if that weren't enough, she was one of the smartest in our entire class. I was still in no way an athlete and admittedly too many times felt out of place with her and all her athletic friends, but at least I could keep up with the academic stuff.

Another thing that happened that year was that, while I'd started junior year feeling younger and less experienced than most when it came to everything, my body had mercifully cooperated in at least catching up to everyone else. My breasts had grown one whole cup size, and my hips were finally curving so my body didn't resemble that of a nine-year-old boy anymore. I was also more comfortable wearing a little makeup and wearing my hair down.

My mother had been right. I was grateful for the catlike slant of my eyes. The liner had gotten a little thicker, accentuating what even Edi referred to as exotic eyes. They were one of the first things guys complimented me on. Every time we went out now, we turned boys' heads. Finally, I was beginning to think it wasn't all Edi and some of the other older more self-assured girls turning heads. I'd turned a few heads myself. And for once since I'd met Edi and her friends, I began to feel as though I actually fit in.

~~~

That April we got the call. I hadn't heard from my sister in weeks. From the beginning of the year, I could feel a change with Celia. She was different, not as cheery as she once was, and I knew it was because of Kevin. They were constantly fighting, but I had no idea what else was going on with her. All I knew was her visits had stopped. As much as I felt the change in her, I still heard the genuine excitement in her voice when I told her about my new life at Gemma's and about Edi and all my new friends.

Celia was really happy for me.

I'd been in Edi's bedroom, cramming for a test. Mostly we'd been doing a lot of giggling and talking about the spring formal coming up in a few weeks. She'd be going with Gary, the most popular guy in school, but my date, Mateo, wasn't too shabby, and I knew I had Edi to thank for that. He was also a starting football player and a good friend of Gary's.

Her mom knocked at the open door of my bedroom. We both looked up still smiling and met her mom's and Gemma's somber gazes.

Immediately, I felt concerned. Why was Gemma there? And why did they both look so grim?

“What's wrong?" Edi asked before I could.

Her mother brought her hand to her mouth and turned to Gemma, shaking her head. “Henri"—Gemma hesitated as she stepped into the room—“I just got a call from St. Francis Medical. Celia overdosed last night and was rushed to the emergency room. Honey, I'm sorry. She didn't make it."

All I remember was feeling as if it were a dream. As if I hadn't just heard the words that had come out of Gemma's mouth and then felt Edi wrapping her arms around me as I fell apart.

I went through the following weeks, numb. The church services, the burial, everything felt unreal. Edi and Daphne were there for me the entire time, but mostly Edi stayed by my side through it all. Even at night when I told her I didn't want to be alone, her mom let her spend a few nights with me, despite some of those being school nights. That's when I first began to open up to Edi about the flashbacks I still had. Celia's death had brought back some brutal ones. New memories I'd obviously blocked out were now clear as day. It made the connection I felt with Edi that much deeper because she was now the only one who knew the ugly truth. The only one I'd ever share it with.

Weeks later, when I told Edi I wasn't going to the spring formal, she said she wouldn't either. She said it wouldn't be the same without me there too. Feeling guilty that she'd already bought her dress and we'd been planning and talking about it for weeks, with Gemma's encouragement, I decided to just go. I felt guilty that I actually had a good time, but in the end, I was glad I'd gone.

Before the dance, Gemma had pulled me aside to say that, given the circumstances, she felt weird but still obligated to have this talk with me. The talk.

“I know a lot of kids wait for special occasions like tonight to . . . you know . . . do things. Have their first experience," she said, looking uncharacteristically nervous. “I'm no prude, and I get that kids are getting younger and younger these days when taking these steps, but I just wanna make sure you're taking precautions. You're way too young to get pregnant and—"

“Oh, trust me," I said, putting her out of her misery because I could see how uncomfortable she was with this conversation. This was something she did not have to worry about. “First of all, I have no intention of having my first experience tonight. And for the record, I'm never having kids. So you don't ever have to worry about me getting knocked up or anything."

She asked why but seemed more relieved that I wasn't planning on doing things that night, so I kept my answer vague. I just didn't want any. Ever.

The cause of death had officially been ruled an accidental overdose. Celia had never even mentioned smoking a cigarette or even drinking alcohol, much less shooting up heroine. I knew it did me no good to blame Kevin, but it felt better to have someone to blame and I did—completely. He'd introduced her to the stuff, and if Celia had never met the guy, she'd still be alive. I hadn't seen or heard from the guy after the services, and I had no intention or desire to see him ever again.

One thing was for sure. If it hadn't been for Edi, I was certain I wouldn't have gotten through the painful ordeal. I'd be eternally grateful for having Edi in my life from then on.