Defining Love

Did You Sleep With Him?

Edi stared at me for a moment, playing with my hair then tracing my lips with her finger. “I've been warned so much against doing this, Henri."

I pinched my brows, feeling a little pissed and curious at the same time. “By who?"

She kissed me again softly. “By everyone who knows I'm in love with you."

I sat up a little, staring at her in surprise. “You've told people?"

She nodded. “I had to. It was driving me nuts. Still is, but I was beginning to deal with it better once I knew for sure you weren't gay." Her expression fell a little. “I held out hope for the longest time, but deep inside, I knew you weren't. That first day"—there was a pained look in her eyes suddenly— “the day after I told you I was gay and what I'd always known was confirmed, that you weren't, I was a complete mess. I don't even know how I got through practice."

My eyes opened wide as my heart clenched. “The day you cried and said it was because your coach had been hard on you?"

Taking a deep breath, she nodded again. “If I do this, Henri"—she lowered her hand down my leg—“because, God, I want to so bad." Her fingers touched me gently, and already I knew I wanted her to continue just as badly. “You have to promise me this will only happen one time. I'm already having a hard enough time dealing with the fact that you and I could never be."

“We could try," I said, wanting to lessen her disappointment.

She shook her head adamantly. “They said you'd say that."

“Who is they?" I asked, feeling even more annoyed and pretty certain I knew who they were. At least one of them anyway.

“I have friends who've gone through similar situations." She traced my lips with her tongue, and I felt the tingle all over. “It never ends well. As much as you'll enjoy this"—she smiled a bit playfully—“and trust me you will, it doesn't make you gay. I'm playing with fire here. If you were just any straight girl wanting to try, that would be one thing." She regarded me with those adoring eyes again. “But I'm in love with you, Henri, so we have to make sure this never happens again."

I nodded, though I wasn't sure I completely agreed, but I understood why she'd be afraid for this to happen again. Before I had more time to think about it, she began kissing me with more passion. The emotion she was feeling was a palpable thing. As much as it was enjoyable, at the same time it was terrifying—terrifying because I did not want to hurt her.

Pushing away the thoughts that those tears she'd shed that day she seemed so broken up were because of me, I concentrated on just enjoying that moment with her. It was more than just an experience. It was our moment. Something I now knew was the very thing she'd been dreaming about for years. I should've been beyond flattered, and even through the amazing ecstasy of it all, it only masked the feelings of sheer terror, even as my body quivered, feeling her lips and tongue doing the unspeakable to me.

When it was over, I lay there, breathing heavily as my body continued to feel the effects of such an amazing experience. Edi crawled up onto me and kissed me. Was I supposed to do something in return? I had no idea, but it felt so amazing, so I brought my hand down to touch her and she stiffened.

“No way," she said, stopping my hand.

“Why not?" I asked, confused. “This may be new to me, but I know enough that, just as in any relationship, this should go both ways. It's give and take. Not just take. Both partners—"

She pressed her finger against my lips, closing her eyes and breathing in deeply as she had earlier. “That's just it, Henri." She opened her eyes and pouted at me. “We're not partners. Doing the give-and-take thing will make it feel like we are. This," she said, licking her lips then closing her eyes with a smile, “was just giving into my longtime fantasy of doing that to you. But it can't happen again." She pecked me one last time then smiled. “I do wanna thank you though. That was as amazing as I thought it would be."

The disappointment weighed heavily, but I knew she was right. Giving into desire was one thing, but actually being in a lesbian relationship would be quite another. The last thing I'd wanted was to hurt her, and I just wasn't sure if I was ready for the enormity of something so life-changing. I pulled her to me as she began to sit up and kissed her back. “Thank you. That was amazing."

~~~

Edi and I hadn't been intimate again since our promised one time. But things did change. In the privacy of our own apartment, Edi had begun acting sweeter. She was pecking my lips hello and goodbye now—as a girlfriend would versus my bestie—and I embraced it. But I knew how apprehensive she was about it, so I dared not ask what was happening. I just went with it.

Then came Christmas break. I couldn't go back home to be with Gemma because, unlike Edi, I'd had to get a job. Her parents were paying for our rent, and it didn't feel fair for me not to pay for anything or to continue to take the money Gemma sent me. It'd taken me forever to get the job I had, and there was no way I could ask for that much time off so soon. So I'd stayed back while she flew home for the holidays.

That's when the clusterfuck began.

I didn't own a car, so I had my friend Cole, who Edi had known I'd gone on few movie dates with before, help me pick out my little Charlie Brown Christmas tree. He helped me get it upstairs and decorate the small apartment then hung out.

Feeling bad that I hadn't been able to go home for the holidays, Gemma showed up unexpectedly to surprise me. She found Cole and me sipping on eggnog, listening to Christmas carols while decorating the tiny apartment, and came to her own conclusions. When she got back home and Edi asked her about the trip, she told her about interrupting my romantic holiday decorating evening with my “boyfriend."

When Edi called, I'd been missing her so much I literally giggled when I jumped on the bed to take the call, ready to cozy up for a long night of talking.

“Hey," I answered all giddy and so ready to hear her voice.

“Cole's your boyfriend?" she asked, her words strained.

Instantly, I sat up. “What?"

“I was over at Gemma's just now to ask her about her trip, and she told me everything." She sounded angry but at the same time incredibly hurt. “He spent the night?" her voice suddenly gave. “Please tell me you didn't f**k him in my bed."

“Edi no," I said, my heart sinking. “I didn't—"

“You had a cozy decorating night in our apartment?"

“I asked him to take me to buy a tree, and he helped me get it upstairs." I clenched my hand against my chest, my own voice beginning to break. “But we didn't—"

“She said you called him your boyfriend."

“I didn't; she did."

“But seriously," her words broke. “You brought him back to our place?"

“I didn't bring him—"

“Did you sleep with him?"

“No! And he didn't spend the night!"

“Did you make out with him?" She was crying now, and my heart broke for her. “Be honest with me, Henri. I've been honest about everything with you. My feelings for you. My fears. Did you kiss him?"

My heart was hopelessly strangled, but she deserved the truth, even if my kiss with Cole was so insignificant. She was right. I needed to be as honest with her as she had with me. “He kissed me goodnight."

The line clicked and I fell back onto her bed and cried.