code name 0001

Dear reader, I do wish I was lady whistledowns protege but I am not and we cannot make amends for that. I can only hope that along with Zeldah you will find laughter within the camaraderie of her teammates, warmth from the characters she will encounter and love that will feel like coming home. 1. Zeldah I was running again and all that lay ahead of me was a dense forest and a horizon of thicker fogs. No matter how fast my body cut through the air, it would not be long before the hounds of barking dogs and vicious men caught up with me. I would die before I returned to that hell and I had to keep the promise I made to her, I had to stay alive. A snap resounded as my feet got trapped in something, I moved my legs with force and the blades dug in sending me falling backward. Everything in this forest seemed to intend to capture me; I rested my back on the tree and wiped my sweaty face. They were inching closer; I had to get out before they caught me. I dug my hand into my pocket and found the knife she had gifted me. My hands worked with urgency, each cut of the knife through the knots that caged my legs stabbed at my gut with pain but I kept wielding it. The trap came apart but I could not stand on my feet and I started to crawl. My heart broke into pieces no one would ever be able to piece back together. This feeling was familiar; this was the calm before the storm. This was the moment that whatever hope I had conjured died like every other thing around me did. My body which was already a monument of pain became one with the misery and despair I felt. Another voice echoed in the distance, loud and screeching and I thought if I followed it I would be able to escape from this nightmare. I wiped my wet eyelids with my palm, even beneath the hoodie I could sense Mrs. Patterson shooting lasers of fury at the back of my head but I couldn't help stretching my arms as I rose from sleep. Her eyebrows contorted into arrows, her nose was twitching and untwisting worst of all she was a redder shade than the knee-length skirt I was wearing. ''Do you know how irresponsible it is to sleep the year away?'' I took off the head of my hoodie and smiled. '' You know Mrs. Patterson; sleep deprivation can kill much faster than starvation.'' Jamie dropped the comic book his face was buried in and whistled. ''She got you bad Karen.'' The bored class who could make do with some drama hooted and whistled, they were pumped for more. ''Oh shut up! Negro.'' The blonde girl whose glasses seemed way too big for her face barked. ''That's it.'' Mrs. Patterson yelled. '' I would like you all to maintain perfect decorum or else I will be the first teacher who gives detention on the last day of class.'' The class becomes as quiet as a graveyard at the mention of detention, no one wants to be bored out of their minds for hours. She turns to face me with an iron-clad expression. ''Since Miss Zeldah has a lot to say today, she can give us a speech on any punctuation mark of her choice.'' I shook my head in disagreement; this was not the way I had intended to spend my day. ''Mrs. Patterson I promise to stay awake.'' I pleaded, mustering my best smile. She smiled icily at me. '' Of course, you will stay awake.'' She points at her desk. ''Now mount the podium at the front of the class.'' From the first day I had walked into this class I never felt as if there was a place for me, it was something I was used to, the feeling of belonging everywhere and nowhere at the same time. The dynamics of my skin made some feel like I was an antique to be bewitched by, an eighth wonder of the world; an African not improvised by hunger nor malaria. People like that were curious with caution, some people would prefer not to walk past me in the hall, I could exist in utter silence, I just had to not take up any space, especially a significant one. Sometimes I ask myself if is it better to be asked if we slept with lions in an open field or to be told to get out with conviction. '' Get on with it. '' Someone booed. The Yoruba girl who was friends with everybody mouthed a sorry and I shrugged in response. All seems to be amiss. I began by raising my voice by an octave. I had bread for breakfast today and I was confronted with the choice of eating it with ketchup like Rachel would or with butter like we do back home. I knew as I debated over it in my mind this morning that this was the beginning of more question marks. I picked the globe on Mrs. Patterson's desk and spun it with one hand. What if I told you this ordinary rubber dummy was the crystal of certainty, It holds the power to predict what happens next in every event and even what happens before without an iota of doubt. Pops always said there was no such thing as bad storytelling if the audience was mesmerized. I dropped the globe in front of Sameer who had long removed his glasses and kept his head on his jaws, his eyes following every move of my hands. He was not the only one who was entranced Jamie's comic book had fallen on the floor and Mrs. Patterson was doing one of the things she couldn't stand anyone else doing, sitting on a desk, that too my desk. If this globe could tell you what the questions on the college entrance exams would be saving you the hullabaloo of labouring through piles of past questions if it could give a positive answer to the question of the possibility of time travel. Heck if this globe could answer the simplest questions like why, when, where, what, and how, it would not be sitting on Mrs. Patterson's desk safely because life itself is a big question mark and every one of us sitting in this classroom have more than enough questions we would like answers to. Conversations mostly start with a sequence of what, why, how, where when and declarations, answers are a product of the question mark. Have you ever wanted to desperately find the answer and couldn't? If you have and you got your reply, oh well congratulations is in order. I let out a breath I did not know I was holding, my palms were sweaty because this was not just a simple case of presenting an essay and I hated that I was blabbing. If you are still waiting for the hook to be separated from its point of attachment, then- ''Wait!'' Mrs. Patterson raises her hand. ''Why is a hook getting in there? '' She furrows her eyebrows as if to expel confusion. ''Ahh,'' I pick a red marker from her table and draw a question mark upside down. '' If you look closely doesn't this look like pirates hook?'' An echo of aah's and oh's reverberates among my peers. ''As I was saying if you are still waiting, frozen in the thoughts of what could have happened, rewinding every memory in a rendition of wishful wanderlust then you know just how much a question mark can pierce through the heart like an arrow hitting a bull's eye.'' The sound of the bell echoes in the distance bringing my presentation to an end. I give a mock salute and the audience of teenage boys and girls give a resounding round of applause. I am somewhere between the hedonism of my eloquence and the desire to bolt out of the door, attention is not my strongest forth. I eye Jamie's hand debating whether I could tackle him and snatch my bag. Instead, my voice is faster than my fist, '' Give me my bag Jamie, you don't want to get hurt.'' I threaten him. He puts his hands up in surrender. '' No need to get so grumpy scarfie.'' I snatch my bag from him, and just when I thought I would not get any more attention Rachel comes forward with her pack of Barbie wannabes, She runs her hands through her hair in an annoying way and I can't help but roll my eyes. ''You know I almost got impressed, I never thought you knew English.'' Her friends snicker in approval, I checked the time on my wristwatch I had to wrap this up in seconds. All you need to do to a bully is hold up a mirror to their face and let them see their reflection. I take two steps closer to her and I am staring straight into her blue eyes because I know there will be an immersion of horror at my words. ''Rachel you do not have thoughts, all you have is a desperate need for attention and it's probably because both your parent is always in other people's pants -'' ''Don't you dare speak about them.'' She yells in anger, I take another step closer and place my mouth close to her ear. ''Don't raise your voice at me; you were curious about my understanding of the English language. I just never considered you worth talking to because it sickened me, how you always groveled for pieces of insincere accolades. Every single one of those dimwits who licked your paws was mocking you, for me you were not worth that too.'' Rachel's lips tremble and the edge of my lips tug into a smile. '' You are a monster.'' ''Well, you were the one who said I probably live with lions in an open field back in Nigeria, so you should have expected this much. The next time you come across someone like me you should first believe they speak more English than the queen's advisers and be nice to them it might be vibranium season back home and they could give you a piece or two.'' ''I told you it was real,'' Samantha exclaims. ********************************************************************** If I could I would trap time in space so tomorrow would not witness its beginning, If I could do that then this fear keeping my hands from pushing the gate open would also disappear. Every corner, every turn, every speck of dust in this mansion carries a memory of warmth and love, it is these memories that have given me the will to fight through my nightmares and believe that a day without them was possible. The last thing I want to become within these walls is a prodigal daughter. ''Gimbiyah'', I clutch the straps of my bag pack as if it could transform into Aladdin's carpet and take me elsewhere that is not the front door of my house. Pops waves one hand, the broadness of his smile tugs at the strings of my guilt. ''Are you waiting for someone?'' He asks. I can't tell him I am waiting for my conscience to release me from her chokehold, so I just shake my head and walk through the door. ''You did this up until the last day,'' I grumble. ''You took away my right to pick you up from school and I let that slide because I was happy you wanted to do something other kids were doing but I can't stop my impatience from bringing me out to wait in the yard besides if you came home earlier then I would miss my timing of waiting outside for you.'' I shake my head at his silliness. ''I am not a child you know, being five minutes late doesn't mean anything's happened.'' ''You were never a child, always acting too mature for your age'' Pops fondles my cheeks, ''You are my princess and I will always have my arms wide open for you because nobody can ever take your place, not in a gazillion years.'' I roll my eyes at him. '' Pops gazillion is not a word and-'' I point at the black raincoat he is wearing instead of his usual long-sleeved shirts and trousers. '' Why are you wearing that? It's not even near rainy season yet.'' ''If you noticed the rain coat you should also nothing every other thing.'' Pops twirls and I can't help my giggle. '' Look at me with your sixth eye.'' He says. ''Hmm,'' I place my hand below my chin and wrinkle my eyes into what is supposed to be an intense look. I take in the shiny black shoes he's wearing and exclaim. '' Oh those are new, and they don't look like you bought them from the second-hand shop.'' ''You are just as smart as me, They were from that upscale high-end mall after the white house closed, was it Louie or Lous?'' ''Whatever it was, it was one of the L's.'' I jest, smothering a smile. '' I can't say much about your outfit since it is all shrouded in black. What else is there to assess?'' He gestures to his face. ''Face card and I am sure it won't decline.'' ''I see why the wifi keeps getting exhausted before the end of the month; you should have a YouTube channel called Keeping up with genz. Well, your moustache is gone and it makes your chin pointier than before it's almost as long as a pencil. What have you done to my pops?'' His eyes twinkle in excitement and my heart sinks into further despair. '' Now let me give you the highlight Miss Zelda Harith.'' He yanks the raincoat open and throws it in the air. Pops said the first time he wore a tuxedo was to a dinner, the first and last one he ever attended but the most memorable part of that night for him was walking into the hall and hearing audible gasps. He wasn't lying because as he half bowed in this tuxedo my heart skipped a beat and even the sun's rays waned. ''Pops-'' he stretches and hands me a bouquet of yellow peonies '' the flower shop woman said they migrated from China and it was more suitable as a housewarming gift but I still chose it. The flowers look so delicate that it makes me worry I would crush them if I touched the petals but I end up not being able to resist tracing their soft appendages. Why did you choose it if was a housewarming gift? My eyes widen at the thought. Am I getting a house already? His laughter echoes in the distance. I can work harder to gift you a house when you graduate from the university but I can renovate your room or make it bigger if you want. How about taking over mine it's the biggest in the house. No thank you, Hajia would have our heads both and I like the view across the window of my room. Why though? ''The flower is just as bright as you are.'' I imagine Mrs. Patterson screaming preposterous at the top of her lungs, I also think it is absurd because all I see when I look at my reflection is black and grey like a monochrome picture. I am sure you think it is ridiculous but it's the truth. The day your mum lost Abir and Adeel I was not by her side, while she prayed desperately for them to make it through surgery I didn't pick up her calls. The first thing she said when the doctor broke the news was that she should have been the one, it should have been her. I think she believed that for a long time because she lived life as if she wanted to forfeit life itself, all she did was breathe. I came back to my wife's ghost and the fact that I failed as a husband and a father. I think the only good thing I did for her was bring you back with me. She ignored you at first but you were the only one who succeeded in bringing her out of her room. Did I? Hajia has always been the scariest person I know. He nods his head. You did what everyone could not do and that was how you got the scar on the back of your ears. Your mum always loved standing on the terrace because she could watch boys in the tree house and she found their memories there after their demise. Pops brings his hand downwards you were like this height, very short and tiny for your age because you were all bones but you struggled to climb the tree. She still didn't pay you attention and you just decided to lose your footing and fall. She screamed, it was her first making any sound in six months. I know you don't believe me but you should believe me when I say you shine brighter than all of the stars Earth has witnessed. You have scars that are deeper than anybody can fathom but that does not define what your heart is made up of, your scars are witnesses of the times you fought for life and you won gloriously. Zeldah Harith you are a beacon of light that will never dim and I have faith that you will continue to soar and excel, always and forever. The warning bell rings across the yard and we both chuckle. "Hajiah told you to bring me in quickly, didn't she?'' He stretches his arm forward and I put mine around them. "You know your mum so well, we will both be in trouble if the food has gotten cold.'' Masa, jollof rice, fried rice, samosa, bento cakes, there is a different food on every corner of the table and they are all my favourites. "Are we having a party?'' Pops pulls the chair backwards for me. "You didn't want a graduation party so your mum thought three could as well make a party.'' The wine-coloured Ankara flows to her feet like a ball gown, at the waist it is fitted instead of the usual free top she adorns. Under the chandelier Mum's necklace and earrings shimmer and shine, I wonder how much scolding dashing up the stairs for a tiara would cost me. ''Quit chattering and sit down.'' She scolds. ''Your hair looks beautiful.'' She nods and pushes the plate of Masa closer to me. ''The Eguisi is on that plate next to the pepper soup. ''Would you prefer sugar instead?'' ''Eguisi will be just fine, thank you ma.'' '' Mrs. Patterson called did you-'' the ringing of the doorbell echoes cutting Mom off midsentence. She grabs a veil from the couch. ''Let me see who it is, we are not expecting anybody though.'' ''Pops you didn't invite anybody over, did you?'' Hajia returns with a sealed envelope in her hand, she removes her veil and tosses it on the chair. ''Mai ye?'' Pops asks, building a pyramid of meat in his soup. She slams the envelope on the table before taking a seat across from him on the dining table. Mum folds her hands across her chest and glares at him. '' It's from the army.'' Pop spoon falls to the floor with a clang, his hands hardening into fists. ''It's not mine, I don't have anything to do with that place anymore.'' ''It wouldn't matter much to me anyway even if you did there isn't anything left for us to lose. We lost each other a long time ago, what we have can hardly be called a marriage.'' ''Don't do this in front of our child at least not on a day like this. Pops pleads.'' ''If you didn't want me to do this you should not have chosen today as the day your recruitment letter gets delivered.'' Guilt gnaws at my gut, That letter wasn't Dad's it was mine and I prayed fervently that it wasn't the moment Mum walked in but it was and words were evading me. This wasn't what I had planned, I was going to disappear without a trace, without having to break their hearts into fragments too sharp for me to pick. ''If you decide to leave for the army you will have to divorce me, I am done burying people.'' ''Ma, please- '' ''Zeldah, go upstairs.'' Dad orders. ''We need to talk alone.'' ''It's my letter.'' My voice is barely a whisper but Mum is as pale as snow and pops fall from his chair. ''I was the one who got drafted.'' Mum shakes her head frantically and keeps saying no. She picks up the envelope from the table and tears it open. ''Why is your name here?'' The sound of her sobs is like knives to my heart, they prick and puncture me in places I cannot see. ''It doesn't matter why, you won't go.'' This moment will haunt me for as long as I live, I will continue to regret hurting the ones who filled my life with love and happiness and I might find myself without a home when all was done but I just couldn't give up on the army. '' You can't stop me pops; I am not a minor anymore.'' ''The army isn't a picnic you know. The place where a soldier's body drops in battle becomes his grave and in a rotten country like Nigeria that soldier becomes nothing more than another forgotten name, you'll be a tombstone in our hearts.'' ''I won't die!'' ''I know you won't because you have had worse but the people around you will, the worst thing that can happen in war is not death. It is the devastation you will witness, the loss of man's humanity. Whatever magnitude of cruelty you can fathom now is nothing compared to what you might have to witness in the army and it won't be on the battlefield the battlefield is heaven compared to the academy. Will you be able to turn a blind eye when the very ones who are being groomed to protect others are playing the game of predator and prey amongst themselves?'' I resort to my last line of defence even though I know it won't do me any good. '' You were a soldier once and you made it out fine.'' ''I was a soldier and I am a soldier who deserted his comrades. I am a traitor to the oath I swore, it's why we are living in hiding. Not a single day passes without me regretting not leaving the army when I had the choice and till today the decisions I could have taken always hover around my shoulders.'' Pops takes my hand in his. ''You are the only one I have left that gives me hope. If you leave your mum will never forgive me, it will be the death of me.'' In the end, love does not have all the answers and it will not always save us. If I could scratch off the numbers on my chest, if I could make those three digits I have to see every morning disappear I wonder if it would make me give the army up. All my life I questioned the meaning behind those numbers and the only answer pops could give me was therapist's appointments and when that failed my question was met with silence. Whoever carved those numbers on my chest certainly had not forgotten, they were watching me. That was the only plausible explanation for the man who kept following me everywhere since the beginning of high school. The next time I have to face the man from my dreams I want to strike him with my fists, he should be the one crawling on the ground begging for mercy then maybe, just maybe I wouldn't be a captive of the numbers 0001 anymore.