CHRISTIANO

Four

Carina 

"So what you're saying is that I have memory loss?" 

"Yes, Miss Lombardi" 

"That I've forgotten the last five or six months of my life?" 

"Seven, to be exact" the guy in the white lab coat says. I'm sure he mentioned his name earlier but my head was ringing so I didn't catch it. Not that I care about it. He just told me that I have forgotten the past seven months of my life. First of all, what the f**k? Selective amnesia? Why the hell would I forget bits and pieces of my life? I thought people kind of forgot everything. Like all the details, not small parts. Is he kidding me? Is this some kind of prank or something? 

"Why?" I ask because I want to know why my brain would forget certain things and choose to remember others. 

"It's a mental condition that is caused by trauma. You went through something painful and your brain is blocking those memories because you're not ready to deal with them. I can't pinpoint the exact reason why this is happening but I suggest you don't force yourself to remember them" 

"So I'm in the hospital because I lost my memory?" 

There is a ghost of a smile on his lips when he says "No. You were shot. That's why you're here. Does your stomach or leg hurt? Any discomfort?" I look down at my body. Guess I'm still doped up on painkillers since I don't feel s**t. 

"Okay, first of all, I'd like to know who had the balls to shoot me and why they did that" 

"Do you feel any discomforts? Pain?" he asked again and I figure it's important I answer him. I don't want to end up with only bits and pieces of my body too. 

"My head still hurts" 

"I'll get the nurse to give you something for that. But I highly recommend you refrain from trying to force yourself to remember. I have advised your family to go easy when it comes to divulging details about the last seven months. If you're not ready to hear anything, you might risk not getting your memories back" 

"Can't you hypnotize me to remember or something?" he looks shocked, as if he wasn't expecting me to ask that. Does he think I'm a bimbo? "I attended psychology class once when I was in college" 

"Well if you had attended more you'd know hypnosis isn't something to mess around with. The brain is still a mystery even to the most learned doctors, Miss Lombardi. I majored in surgery but I know that if we push you to remember, it could cause some irreparable damage. You've blocked your memories for a reason and until you're ready to unblock them, there's not much we can do" 

"Thanks for nothing doc. Really" I nod lying back down. 

"I understand your frustration but please try to get some rest. You just woke up from a comma" 

"Could you please send Paulo in when you leave?" he gets the message and leaves quietly. No one can begin to understand my frustration unless they're in the same position I'm in, suffering from memory loss. 

I don't know why I would forget the last seven months. I'm the kind of person who isn't afraid of much. It might be the first time I got shot but that's hardly something that can make anyone block their memories. In the world I come from, people get shot everyday, some die, some survive it. No big deal. I also can't get over the fact that someone shot me. I'm Marianna f*****g Lombardi. People don't get to me that easily. And where the f**k was Paulo when all this was happening? 

"Hey babe. Are you okay?" 

"Where the f**k were you when I was getting shot?" 

He sits on the chair beside the bed scratching the back of his neck "I... Uh... I wasn't there Carina" 

"That is exactly why I asked where you were and why the hell do you keep calling me Carina?" I whisper the last part so no one hears us. I remember telling him who I really was and he knows better than anyone to call me that. Although it doesn't feel weird to hear him say my name out loud even though no one has used it for a long time. 

"f**k, babe, why did you go and have to forget everything? Where should I start?" 

"From the beginning Paulo. What's going on? How did I get here? Who the f**k shot me? What were you doing while I was getting short at?" 

"Well, I'll start with Lombardi" 

"What about Padre?" 

"He's dead" 

I sit up "What?" 

"It's a long story but he's dead then you took over the organization and after that your mother and sister showed up which is why you go by your real name now" he says all that in one breath leaving me gaping.  

"Did you just say mother and sister?" 

"Yeah. They were here earlier together with Tommaso. The two women. Do you remember them? The older woman was Ornella and the younger one is..." 

"Are you f*****g kidding me?" I yell which of course brings back my headache and this time it feels as if my eyes are going to pop out any second. 

"Carina, are you okay? What's wrong?" 

"My head hurts. f**k, what happened?" 

"I'll go get the doctor" he's out the door before I can stop him. I think he's just running away because he doesn't want to face my wrath and the only reason I'm letting him go is because I really need the doctor to do something about my head. 

The slow thrum slowly ascends, becoming a full on pounding so that it feels like some community from Africa is using my head as their drum. At one point my vision blurs from the pain and I wonder if I'm dying. But then the door opens and the doctor comes back in with a nurse. He tells her something I can't make out since there's roaring in my ears. Then something pricks my skin and in seconds I'm drowsy, falling back on the bed. I'm out before my head touches the pillow. 

When I wake up next, the room is dark. Thank heavens. I don't think I can handle the bright lights again. Lifting my head, I look around and realizing I'm alone, I lie back down. Wondering what I'll do now. It's insane that I've lived for seven months then forgotten about them. Do time travellers feel like this? Probably not because they always remember where they've been. Past or future. The doctor said I shouldn't force myself but it's so hard. Sitting here speculating on what could have happened to me. Did this happen while I was on one of Padre's jobs? 

Lombardi's dead. 

Yeah, about that, how did he die? Was I the one who killed him? Paulo mentioned something about me taking over operations. Did one of his rivals try to kill me? Where the f**k did my mother come from? And with a sister too? I remember her. She looked kind of familiar. Do I know her from somewhere? But most importantly, why do I feel so empty? Like, how can I put it? A shell. I feel like my body is missing something but I can't put my hand on what that thing is. Is it my memories? But as far as I'm concerned, memories are stored in the brain which is in my head. We're talking about my body here. f**k, you can see the irony too, can't you? For someone who doesn't have her memories, I sure do have a lot of questions. 

Then all of a sudden something slides down my face and it hits me that I'm crying. Me, Mari.... Carina Lombardi is crying. When was the last time I did that? Oh wait, I can't remember. Who knows what happened in the last seven months. I could have turned into a crier in that time. Right? f**k, what do I know. I need to stop crying. This is definitely not me. I lift my hand to dash tears away but the door opens. I don't know who it is. I figured it was too late for visitors. It could be a nurse coming to check up on me or the doctor, here to give me another 'don't force it' pep talk. Whoever it is, I don't want to talk to them. So I close my eyes and pretend to be asleep. 

They stand at the door for a few minutes, then start moving towards the bed. For a second I wonder if it's the killer who's come back to finish me off. Is it wise to pretend I'm asleep? The sound of a chair scraping along the floor indicates that my visitor isn't a killer. If they were, they'd be choking me with my own pillow. I hear a heavy sigh, that blows the smell of alcohol my way. Then my hair is being pushed away from my face and there's a thumb grazing my cheek. 

"Even after waking up from a comma you're still beautiful" the man says, still rubbing circles on my cheek. His voice is deep, smooth and it makes me relax even though I've never heard it before. His touch is also calming which is so weird. I don't know this man. Is he one of Padre's men? If so then why would he be here? No. Paulo might not be in here but I know he's out there somewhere. He wouldn't go far especially now that someone tried to kill me. Now that I think about it, I should have asked him who it was and why they did it. 

"I know you're awake Carina" my heart skips a beat at that. How does he know that? "Aren't you going to even look at me?" 

I snap my eyes open because that sounded like a challenge. I never back down from challenges. Now that my eyes are open though, I'm thinking maybe I should have. The room is dark but you can't miss those eyes. They are sharp and striking and they make me want to lie back down and bury myself under the covers. Did I mention how big he was? His silhouette indicates broad shoulders, a defined jaw and long hair. 

"Who the f**k are you?" I ask. Again, I'm grateful that the lights are off. Somehow, I feel comfortable facing him in the dark. 

"I've been asking myself that for a while now. Who am I?" 

"Did you also lose your memories?" f**k, I didn't mean to ask that out loud. 

He chuckles "I wish I had. I really wish I had lost my memories" 

Okay, that's weird. Here I am struggling to have my memories back and this guy wishes to be in my place? Wait, is he from the psych ward? "What is your name?" 

"Did you really forget everything Carina?" he asks and I realize it's the second time he's calling me by my name. Which means he knows me. I've never seen him before so I must have met him during the time I've forgotten. 

"Do we know each other? How did we meet? Are we friends or something?" all of a sudden I want to know everything about him. Maybe I'm the one who deserves to be on the psych ward? I mean why would I want to know anything about a stranger who's in my room in the middle of the night? 

"Are you okay? I mean, are you in pain? You've been in bed for a few weeks. Can you walk?" 

What does he mean by that? Why wouldn't I be able to walk? f**k, I hadn't thought of that. Throwing the covers off me, I swing my legs over the bed, attempting to get up. I say attempt because I don't really get to stand. The second my feet touch the floor, I crumble because my legs are too weak to support me. However, I don't fall. A strong arm is currently around my waist and holding me upright. 

"Easy, you're still too weak to stand on your own" 

"But my legs are fine. Right? I can walk?" I don't understand why I'm worried about that. But he nods, pulling into his body. 

"You will be fine Carina" he whispers cupping my cheek with his other hand. His thumb brushes the skin under my eye then to my surprise he bends his head and kisses me. A soft barely there kiss. I have no idea why I don't pull back or why my hands move on their own free will and settle on his specs. I feel comfortable in his arms. Way too comfortable. All too soon the kiss is over and I'm being lowered back on the bed "You're better off not remembering anything. You have a second chance. Live your life like everyday is the last day and forget about the past. For your own good, I hope you never remember" 

I blink and he's already at the door, letting himself out. What the f**k did he mean by that? I'm better off not remembering anything? Why? What the hell happened? And why the f**k does the name Carla keep ringing in my head? 

**********************************************

I agree with her mystery visitor (I don't have to say his name) that Carina is better off not remembering.