Cruising for Murder

Chapter One “Okay, I’ll watch the house for you while you’re away. But I won’t watch that witch-cat!” Myrtle Clover took a steadying breath. She reminded herself exactly why she needed her housekeeper, Puddin’s, help. Myrtle was going on an Alaskan cruise with her son, his family and her friend, Miles. This meant someone needed to take care of her house—water the tomatoes, feed her cat, mow her grass. Despite Puddin’s complete and utter incompetence, Myrtle must retain her patience and ensure that both Puddin and her husband, Dusty, were onboard. “Okay then, really all I need you for is to water the tomatoes. But the cat must be taken care of. If you want to outsource that to Dusty, that’s your own business,” said Myrtle. Puddin raised her eyebrows. “But your house needs cleanin’ while you’re gone, too.” Myrtle glanced around her living room, allegedly under the tender loving care of Puddin. Dust bunnies had formed rival gangs and threatened to hijack her home while she was gone, turning it into their own personal warren. Every bit of silver she had in the house looked like brass. The wooden furniture was dull from lack of polish. The rug had black cat hair threaded through it. “If you say so. If you actually clean today, it will probably keep just fine until I get back,” stressed Myrtle. Because cleaning was never a given when her housekeeper came by. Puddin, always fond of making herself seem important, said, “I’m going to be very busy, you know. While you’re gone. Mr. Miles is having me watch his house, too.” Myrtle narrowed her eyes at Puddin. “Is that so? When I return, I don’t want to find out that Mr. Miles’s house looks immaculate and mine looks like a victim of the Dust Bowl. You always throw more effort into Mr. Miles’s house than mine. It’s a peculiar gender bias of yours.” Puddin squinted at her as she usually did when she didn’t quite follow Myrtle’s line of thought, and changed the subject, another favorite tactic. “Why are you going somewhere cold? You’re going to a cold place, right?” “Alaska? Well, at this time of the year it’s probably still pretty chilly, yes,” said Myrtle. “Because the Fourth of July is coming up. And if it was me, I’d be thinking about a cruise somewhere else. I’m thinking the Bahamas. I’m imagining myself in a bathing suit on a beach with a drink with one of them umbrellas in it,” said Puddin. “Watching fireworks.” Dumpy, doughy, pale Puddin in a bathing suit didn’t bear thinking of. Nor did the fact that Puddin didn’t apparently realize that the Bahamas might not celebrate the Fourth of July. Myrtle abruptly asked, “Where is Dusty? I wanted to leave him with some last-minute instructions, too.” Puddin shrugged. “He’s around. Probably messing with the mower. Always puttin’ oil in the thing.” As if on cue, Dusty, wearing frayed khakis and a grass-stained checkered button-down shirt, pushed open the front door. “Too hot to mow,” he muttered to himself as he opened Myrtle’s refrigerator and pulled out a pitcher of lemonade. He poured himself a generous glass and, when Puddin, gave a loud, suggestive cough, poured her one too, bringing it to her in the living room where she plopped down on Myrtle’s sofa. “I’ve had just about enough of both of your foolishness today. Dusty, it looks like an African savannah out there. The grass has to be cut regardless of the temperature. But I’m also concerned about the care and feeding of Pasha,” said Myrtle briskly. Dusty c****d his grizzled head to one side. “Pasha?” “The black cat,” said Myrtle. “That witch-cat!” said Puddin at a volume guaranteed to make Myrtle’s blood pressure rise. “That will be enough of that nonsense, Puddin. It’s an easy enough job, Dusty, and the chore will apparently fall to you since your wife is engaging in histrionics at the thought,” said Myrtle. Dusty grunted at this and eyed Puddin sideways. She had her arms crossed and he clearly knew better than to cross her when she was being obstinate. “All right. What do I do?” “You let her in at night and give her cat food. You let her out in the morning. You make sure her litter box is in good shape.” Myrtle pointed to the stack of cat food cans, the litterbox, and the extra litter. Dusty grunted again. It seemed to be an assent, although a reluctant one. “That’s a lot of coming by,” he said. Myrtle wasn’t sure if this was merely a comment or a complaint. “Puddin will be here anyway—taking care of my house and Miles’s, too, apparently.” Dusty sighed. He gazed forlornly out Myrtle’s front window, gray mustache looking even droopier than usual. “And them gnomes? Can’t we move them gnomes at least? So I won’t have to be tryin’ to mow around them things?” “I’d rather leave them out there in the yard until I leave. It’s important for Red to have a visual reminder before our trip,” said Myrtle. When Myrtle pulled her tremendous collection of garden gnomes out, it provided a subtle warning to her son that he needed to watch himself. Considering Red lived directly across the street and considering the fact that he abhorred her gnome collection, it was generally an effective ploy. Dusty was even a less of a fan of the gnomes than Red. He said, “So when y’all pull out of the driveway I can start luggin’ them things to the shed?” “That’s right.” Dusty’s relieved smile revealed a dimple that Myrtle had never seen. The doorbell rang. Myrtle’s eyes narrowed with apprehension. “I spotted Erma Sherman lurking out there earlier. I must finish packing and organizing and don’t have time for her recitation of all the disgusting illnesses she’s inflicted with. Puddin, check the door for me.” Myrtle’s next door neighbor, Erma, was the bane of Myrtle’s existence. Erma’s goal in life seemed to be allowing her crabgrass to infiltrate Myrtle’s yard, her squirrels to steal Myrtle’s birdseed, and to trap Myrtle in conversation. Puddin, who had settled her pudgy frame into the softness of the sofa, said loftily, “But I’m not your butler.” Dusty started loping toward the door. Puddin, who still suspected Dusty had an odd attraction for the donkey-faced Erma, leapt up from the sofa and waddled to the front door, bypassing her sixty-five year old husband. Peering through the window, she laconically reported, “It’s her with some of your mail.” Myrtle sighed and said in a stage whisper, “The mail carrier has been completely demented lately, scattering mail here and yonder. Go ahead and answer the door and report that I’m indisposed.” Puddin squinted at her. “Say I’m busy,” amended Myrtle. She fled to the back. The packing was actually going pretty well. The suitcase was basically ready to go. It was a little tricky packing for a range of temperatures, but since Myrtle didn’t have a large wardrobe to start with, it wasn’t as much of a chore as it could have been. The carryon was something of a nightmare, though. “She went away,” reported Puddin loudly in a singsong tone. “Thank heaven for that,” said Myrtle fervently. “Oops, spoke too soon. Knock at the door,” said Puddin, continuing the play-by-play. “And?” asked Myrtle in an impatient voice. There was a pause where Puddin waddled back out to the living room to peer out. Then, disapprovingly, “It’s that woman. Sort of a witch like the cat.” “Oh, Wanda?” Myrtle walked back to the living room. “Let her in.” Puddin disapproved of Wanda, a fact that was written all over her face as she opened the door. Although what Puddin might have to feel superior about was a true puzzle to Myrtle. “Wanda!” said Myrtle fondly as the skin and bones psychic walked in. Myrtle peered out the front window. “Tell me you didn’t walk here again! Wanda, that must stop. It’s far too many miles for you to walk here.” “No, Dan gave me a ride. Sort of. Car broke down on the way,” said Wanda with a shrug of an emaciated shoulder. “Only had to walk halfway.” Crazy Dan was Wanda’s brother. They lived at a hubcap-covered hut surrounded by rusted cars that were mostly on concrete blocks. They stuck up homemade signs on the rural highway adjoining their property, promoting their bait, psychic readings, and boiled peanuts. “Well, let’s have Miles drive you back home when you’re ready. And Dan, too, of course,” said Myrtle. Myrtle’s best friend, Miles, had learned with a good degree of horror that he was a cousin of Wanda and Crazy Dan’s. “And let’s go into the kitchen for a snack,” added Myrtle, studying Wanda’s thin frame with concern. Her invitation put Puddin into even more of a snit and she flounced off with her nose in the air. With any luck, she would work off her annoyance with housekeeping. Wanda carefully pulled out a wooden chair at Myrtle’s table and sat with perfect posture as if channeling table manners from childhood. Myrtle peered into her fridge, pantry, and cabinets before finally settling on a variety of different sandwich makings and sides, placing the assorted foods on the table in front of Wanda. She pulled out two plates, a pitcher of the lemonade that Dusty had unfortunately nearly polished off, and two glasses. Myrtle watched as Wanda devoured everything set in front of her and provided a monologue in a quiet tone as a background to Wanda’s meal. When Myrtle sensed Wanda was filling up, she waited for a minute or two for Wanda to provide the reason for her visit. “Yer in danger,” said Wanda tiredly. “Naturally,” agreed Myrtle in a pleasant tone. “Shouldn’t go on the trip,” said Wanda, giving her a sideways look. “Unfortunately, it’s too late to back out now. Red and Elaine are especially excited about the cruise. They’ve saved up for years to take a vacation like this. Land and sea—Denali and the glaciers. And I’m to help keep an eye on Jack for them from time to time so that they can have a quiet meal or two. Miles and I will play bridge and sip coffees and observe wildlife out the window and it will all be very relaxing,” explained Myrtle. Wanda stared at her. Myrtle pressed her lips together and then said, “Now, if you’re telling me that the ship will end up at the bottom of the Gulf of Alaska, then I won’t go and I’ll keep everyone else home, too. And I’ll call a news conference and tell them a psychic told me the cruise ship would sink and they’ll all think I’m demented. Red will incarcerate me in Greener Pastures Retirement Home and breathe a huge sigh of relief. But is that what you’re telling me, Wanda?” Wanda shook her head. “Snow,” said Wanda in a fatigued voice, slumping in the kitchen chair a little. Myrtle nodded in an encouraging fashion as if she understood Wanda’s cryptic statement completely. “Snow. Snow, yes.” Puddin flounced in, hands on her hips. “Mr. Miles is here,” she announced to the ceiling since her nose was in the air while in Wanda’s presence. Miles walked in. “So you’ve got a butler now, too?” he asked pleasantly to Myrtle. Spotting Wanda, he automatically put a ready hand near his wallet. Wanda had many needs and, considering the family connection, Miles usually found himself obliging. But Wanda didn’t ask, just greeted him in a tired voice. He sat down at the kitchen table with them. Myrtle said to Miles, “Wanda was just informing me that I was in terrible danger and shouldn’t go on the cruise.” “Right,” said Miles with the air of someone who has heard this prediction before. “Told you that you should have paid for the trip insurance. You’re really just tempting fate, otherwise.” Myrtle kept talking, which was her usual tactic when she didn’t like the direction the conversation was going in. “But the ship won’t go down; at least Wanda isn’t going out on that limb. And she had a tip for me. Snow.” Miles raised his eyebrows. “Plenty of snow on the top of Denali, I’d wager. Not sure how much there might be on the ground.” “True. We’re in late June, early July for the trip. Wanda, you can’t provide any more clarity than that? Nothing else? Should I at least seek out the snow, or avoid the snow?” Wanda shrugged. “The sight....” “I know, I know,” said Myrtle impatiently. “The sight doesn’t work that way. Which is incredibly annoying.” Miles opted to change the subject since Myrtle was looking rather tense. “Wanda, what’s the plan for delivering your horoscopes while we’re gone? I know usually you turn them into Myrtle and she hands them over to Sloan for editing.” Or, more truthfully, Myrtle radically revised Wanda’s horoscopes so they more closely resembled English before turning them over to Sloan to be published in the local newspaper. Wanda shrugged again. “Supposed to bring a heap of ‘em to Sloan in a few days.” She looked at Myrtle. “Mind if I visit yer restroom?” “Of course not,” said Myrtle in a distracted voice. She was thinking of the horoscopes and Sloan’s dismay when he had to figure them out. As soon as Wanda left, Miles whispered, “You know Sloan won’t be able to make heads nor tails of those scribblings of Wanda. She’s functionally illiterate.” “She is that,” agreed Myrtle. “But she’s also completely accurate in her predictions. Odd that they are. And you know that she’s the new star at the Bradley Bugle. Sloan can’t stop publishing her stuff now. And he can’t exactly recycle old material—that doesn’t work with horoscopes. I’ll have to check in with him later. I need to talk to him about my column, anyway.” “Are you all packed?” asked Miles. “As well as I can be. It sounded as if I might need to dress for different temperatures. I fixed that by packing a couple of sweaters,” said Myrtle. “Did you put in some dressy things for the nice dinners? Aren’t we going to have a nice dinner in one of the specialty restaurants one night?” asked Miles. “Although I’m not sure how that will work with a preschooler along. It wouldn’t be the kind of restaurant that has crayons and butcher block paper on the tables.” “Oh, there’s some sort of kids club or something. Jack will play in there for a little while so that we can skip the buffet line for the main restaurant. He’ll be fine in there for one evening. But we have to book it just as soon as we get onboard the ship. Yes, I threw in a dressy top to wear with my black slacks. That will work, won’t it? You’ve been on a cruise before. I’m the one with no idea what to expect,” said Myrtle. Miles said, “I was on a cruise twenty years ago. I wore a white, hand-tied bowtie over a starched white shirt, and a black tailcoat with black dress pants. Nowadays, I’d have passengers trying to give me their drink order.” “Or assuming you were a magician for the kids’ club,” said Myrtle. “Anyway, I’m sure you’ll be fine, no matter what you’re wearing. Someone’s hardly going to come up to you and tell you you’re dressed inappropriately. You’re rather foreboding looking, you know.” Continuing quickly before Myrtle could indignantly argue the point, Miles said, “Are you looking forward to it? I know this part is a chore.” “I am. Although there’ve been moments where I thought there’s no place like home. Getting the passport ready for flying into and out of Canada, choosing whether or not to do excursions, figuring out the packing. It’s been a lot. Then I read up online on the trip. Not official cruise-related websites, but forums.” Miles said solemnly, “Don’t ever do that. Forums are full of people with a bone to pick with someone. Seriously, who writes on an online forum unless they’re unhappy?” “These weren’t even necessarily unhappy people. They were giving their opinion of the trip overall. They just said that the land portion gets a little crazy with all the having to pack and unpack and then label the bags and put them outside your door for the staff to make sure they end up where you’re going. You have to make sure you cut off the old labels or the staff might send your bags back to a prior location. Can you imagine me replacing all of my wardrobe in a gift shop?” asked Myrtle. Miles said, “No. No, I can’t imagine you wearing an assortment of Alaska tee shirts for a couple of weeks. But Myrtle, we won’t be doing that. You won’t be doing that. You’re always perfectly capable of following directions. Our reward will be seeing some interior towns, riding a domed train, and seeing Denali. Denali is supposed to be magnificent.” “I only want to see a bear,” said Myrtle plaintively. “That’s it. If I see a bear, I can go home happy. I don’t ask for much. This won’t be a high-adventure trip for me. I’m not going zip-lining or hiking or riding an ATV. But do I want to see a bear.” “From your lips to God’s ears,” said Miles in the fervent voice of someone who didn’t want to hear Myrtle fuss about the criminal lack of bears in Alaska. Then he jumped, eyes wide open. Myrtle turned to see what had startled him. “For heaven’s sake, Miles, it’s simply poor Pasha. The dear probably heard herself being maligned by the wicked Puddin.” She got up from the table and opened the window a bit to let the cat in. “You stay here with me, sweetie, or else Puddin won’t get any cleaning accomplished at all.” She glanced at the wall clock. “Where’s Wanda? Did she get lost on the way back from the bathroom? Should we check on her?” Which was exactly the moment Wanda appeared. She reached down to rub Pasha and Pasha rubbed lovingly against the thin woman. “Got to go,” muttered Wanda. “Got to go?” chorused Myrtle. “You just got here! And all you’ve got for me is snow? Usually you’ve at least got a full sentence for me. Snow isn’t particularly helpful, Wanda.” Miles said in a more moderate tone than Myrtle, “Can you say if snow is a good thing or a bad thing?” Wanda thought about it and said, “Good thing.” “All right, excellent,” said Myrtle. “Something to work with. And now, do you need Miles to drive you back home? And Dan, if he’s sitting on the side of the road?” Miles looked pained, but willing. “Guess so,” mumbled Wanda, still looking drained. She unexpectedly gave Myrtle and Miles a fierce embrace. “Be careful,” she said as she walked out through the front door. Puddin pushed herself against a wall as Wanda passed, doing her best to keep out of the psychic’s way. “And be careful walking out to Sloan’s,” added Wanda, sticking her head back in for a second as Puddin once again flattened against the wall, holding her breath so as not to breathe the same air as Wanda.