I Fell for The Angel That Killed Me

1- the fall

2016 AUGUST

“NEBULA!”

They say when you’re about to die, your life flashes through your mind. That didn’t happen to me. I didn’t get a flashback about my life. At least not this one anyway- I got memories of a previous one.

Memories I had lived and had forgotten. I always thought they were bad dreams, but now I know that they weren’t just in my mind. They did happen. Memories of a time before now. Of a life, I was glad to have forgotten.

As I gaze up at the two faces peering out at me from the top of the building, their facial expressions disappear from my view as I fall through the air. I remember one of them killing me. Not now but then...before...

How? As I am alive, now? I was dead before, I remember. He killed me...But I remember him clearly now. It was him...it was always him that was behind my nightmares.

1786. I recall the year vividly as the new church was constructed and a huge banquet where guests, in the hundreds, quaffed wine and stuffed themselves silly with different dishes and snacks. Along with porridge, dumplings, duck and roast pigs fattened for this occasion, the menu also offered a selection of more obscure dishes known as the “32 delicacies.”

But the food is not part of any importance.

I was an orphan back then. And only thirteen. That was lifetimes ago! The rich controlled God’s will, it had seemed to me, and I just didn’t understand why God expected too much from me! I remember Padre Miguel of the local Parish, telling me it was God’s will for me to marry into the most respectful family in the area. And I dare not disobey His will.

I remember being forced by my soon-to-be husband, Mr. Foxworth. I was pleased at first, that he was at least a bit good-looking, although I did not want to get married in three years' time, as the priest had said. I remember just over a year later, Mr. Fox- as he told me to call him... Why did Mr. Fox throw me on the floor and why did he pin me down and kiss me in a way I did not like and ask me if I liked it? "I did not," I said and he chuckled and said I would eventually. I was still a child and did not understand what was happening to me. Why did he do what he did and why had it pained me so much, but he was joyous?

My future mother-in-law’s rants before she brought me into her mansion, ordering all the staff there to not let me out.

“My son might have forced himself on you, but that was only because he was overly excited and blame yourself, for always taking any opportunity you had to catch his eye. Consider yourself lucky that he still wants to get married...”

“He’s not a bad person.”

“You should be pleased...”

I was disgusted and refused to and was confined to their house as soon as they heard I was pregnant. Little me thought I was getting stomach pains because I had not eaten in time. When I vomited-I ate something bad. When my stomach grew- that I ate too much.

When I still refused the marriage because he hurt me and was caught attempting to climb out of a window, I was put in this concealed room. I regretted my decision, however, two days later, when I could take the starvation no longer but she never returned. The horror hit me then that I was really left, to die.

“Then die...!” her words months later, locking me up, telling me to die and take my wretched baby with me a few days before that. I remember the cold dark room that was locked from the outside. She had put me in there, without food or proper bedding.

Her cruel words were the only thing she left behind and they were haunting me.

The low rumblings coming from outside the door of the room I was locked in, caught my attention as they grew louder. It sounded similar to an earthquake rocking the house, except I didn’t feel the ground move. I heard the screams. Even in my pain, I worried about what would happen to me if everyone left. I would die... from starvation! Because nobody knew I was here aside from that evil woman. I bawled for my life's worth and my lungs' strength.

Suddenly, the door flew back and against the wall off its hinges, startling me even more. And there he stood.

The man was so tall that I was gazing at his chest...the bottom part. His hands, on both sides of the door frame, were bare. I had gazed at him, in a mixed emotion of awe and terror as my excruciating pain was temporarily forgotten by my fright at the sight of his sudden appearance as he ducked his head and entered.

And I had previously thought he was dressed in all black, in my dreams, but I now realize he wasn’t.

I remember and I see clearly in my mind, that his body was covered by huge feathered wings! Wings that covered almost his entire body. The frames where his hands were, looked as if ready to cave in, as little pieces of the concrete trembled before they fell onto the floor when he ducked his head and walked in. The “whoosh” sound the feathers made as his black wings opened and raised up, revealing his exposed naked body.

His bare feet, silent on the blood-stained floor as he paced back and forth, most of what he was saying sounded like being underwater and talking. I remember how he was shouting at me angrily in a language I did not comprehend then, but I finally understood now, as his voice vibrated throughout the small spaced room interior. My eyes opened even wider as a sound came out of his mouth that I’d never heard before as his hands waved around maniacally. His beautiful long fingers, which I hadn’t noticed before. His larger-than-life body occupied almost the entire room.

“How could you do this?” he had cried, his wings folding in and back upwards behind his back. My only thought back then was, 'Did I owe the devil my soul? Was I supposed to be a virgin of some sort and now he's here to kill me because I wasn't?'

I couldn’t answer as I was still in a panic-stricken frame of mind. His flesh was light, golden-looking and alive- it looked like it was moving. It reminds me now of one of my abuela’s (grandmother) pictures she used to have framed. It looked like two different pictures if you angled it differently! But the phase in between the angles made the picture look alive in some way. Like the lenticular printing, they do in the movies now.

His bigger than the normal body alone was terrifying to watch. He was huge, not in a muscular way but lean and must have been almost ten feet tall! With end-to-end black slits for eyes.

Demon or Angel I didn’t know then. I do know now.

“How could you do this?” he had screamed again, holding his head as his face contorted as if in extreme pain.

But I remembered thinking, whether he was evil or not I took it as my prayers were being answered and, although I was terrified, I was willing to face the Creator to answer for my sins! And it seemed as though I had a bunch of them, I remember thinking back then that God wanted too much from me and I was selfish. I just wanted to continue on with my chores and play with my friends. Swim in the pond and help sister Suzie and Sister Mary with the cooking.

I remember how scared I was in that room. I remember trying to cower away at first, but my huge stomach had prevented me then from bringing my knees up and I was already in labor pains. Of course, back then I thought I had peed myself earlier and that I continued on helplessly because of my hunger. I thought it was my body's functions fading because I was dying. I remember the soaked mattress from my water bag hours before. Then ...the floor was sticky, with blood. I remember being in so much pain and screaming about it, praying to die and he showed up.

___

The warm atmosphere did nothing to appease the cold air that was blasting me from behind now. I felt the long heavy earrings I had worn earlier pressing against my face. The scarf I had worn to class today, blew up towards the sky as my long black hair blocked my view.

I feel my body connecting with a hard surface. The ground, I presume. Yes, I’m dying again and once again it’s him I’m staring up at as I feel myself succumbing to the darkness, but my almost numb mind still swam with the memories.

___

I remember sobbing up at the giant in the room, from on the floor as he towered over me, not being able to form words. I hear myself whimpering, “Kill me- kill me please...”

I remember as his bare hands sliced through my throat the snare his mouth took. His eyes were still black and his eyebrows turned up in hatred. His flared nostrils. His black hair that covered his eyebrows, didn’t even flinch with his sudden movement.

My last thoughts, despite having asked him too, were, 'What kind of Angel kills people? And are you going to let the child live?'

Of course, I couldn’t say it out loud as I was choking on my own blood, but I did feel slight pity for the babe in my tummy.

___

Now my heart is in immense pain as I gazed up at my love’s face, now blurred from the distance of the height. The man I thought was my soulmate next to him. And everything just fell into place. Things I have been through. Everything I tried to forget now has come together like a completed puzzle. I now have a masterpiece. Everything I thought I knew was wrong.

Yes. I am going to be dead in a few more seconds, but I am glad that I know the truth. Answers, finally. I feel the warmth of my own blood on my neck as my head is turned to the side. I try to swallow but only the metallic taste of my blood is on my tongue... I can't even move my throat muscles. I hear the screams coming from above telling me, "Don’t move."

The angel's face looms above me, in his human form. 'Adios mi amor...te amare hasta el final de los tiempos...’(goodbye my love... I’ll love you until the end of time.)

I hear dimly," Everything is fine. Everything is going to be okay. Just be still. Don’t move." I hear sobbing and someone screaming. I feel the moisture dropping on my face. Rain?

Will I really be okay if I don’t move? Well, I don’t really know. See, I’ve never fallen from this height before.