Ripped Away And Apart

I am so nervous I might puke but I hope I will be fine… I look at myself in the mirror and say.  “You can do this!”  I walk out of my room that is a mess, I just moved to another country to work on a farm but I don't know anyone here and I don't know what I am doing in this job. I have no experience working on a farm but I have some experience with horses so this should be fine. I walk through the kitchen and take a little too long tying my shoes but I get them on and walk outside. I breathe in the fresh and smelly farm air and I cough a little. I decided to quit smoking because I was moving to the country but I am regretting it now. I wish I could smoke now and ease my nerves but no I must move on. I walk out to the barn where I am to meet the person that should show me around. I see her and she smiles at me, I let out the air that I am holding and walk up to her.  “Good morning” I say, sounding different speaking english.  “Good morning” she says and then she starts walking.  I walk after her and we start feeding, every horse gets different kind of food and they all have names that I have to memorize. The day goes on and I am just following this woman that told me her name is Anita. She lets me do some things but others I just watch, that is the whole day. Everything has to be done to the utmost best, there is no half assing anything here and I am just trying with all that I can to memorize everything that she does.  “So how was you first day?” she asks me while I am sitting down in front of the barn because my feet are killing me.  I look up at her and smile, I am tired and I am still nervous because I don't understand a word from their language. I don't remember anything that I needed to but I feel great about being on my feet and moving.  “Well to be honest it was hard and I am tired but I feel good”  She smiles at me and I smile back, she smiles a lot and I am grateful for that.  “So how was I today?” I ask her back.  She looks at me and I can see right away she is not sure how to answer me.  “You certainly tried today”  That felt like a slap in the face but I just smiled at her and then look down at my hands. We finish up sweeping everything that we could see and then I finally get to go to my room. When I get to my room it is just past dinner time but I am just so tired that I skip dinner and just fall right asleep. Then when I wake up the day after still with a stone in my stomach I look at my phone to snooze it but then I see I got a message from my boss here asking me if I am not coming back down to dinner. I flop back down to bed and rub my eyes, I should have gone back down to dinner and now I have to face them at breakfast asking me why I didn't come back down. Well after about five snoozes I get out of bed and put my lenses in. I usually wear my glasses but since there is so much dust in the air I just want to wear my lenses in the beginning. When I get downstairs almost everyone is by the table eating.  “Morning!” I say happily and everyone says it back.  I am feeling nervous about getting something to eat but I just get the same thing as Anita is eating.  “So why didn't you come back down for dinner?” my boss asks.  Everyone looks at me and I blush.  “I am sorry, I was just so tried that I fell asleep” I say looking down at my cereal. Everyone burst out laughing and shake their heads. I blush even more and just keep eating my cereal then they start to talk german and I don't understand a thing. By the table is my boss, the man that owns the farm, his son and his girlfriend that don't live here but someplace else. A man that works here too and a woman that I think works inside cleaning and making the food. Then all of a sudden Anita stands up and starts to clear her plate, I do the same and follow her outside. She tells me about what we have to start with and I try to catch everything that she is saying but I can only remember half of it.  “So I am just following you and just tell me what to do” I say nervously.  She smiles at me and nods her head, we do the morning feeding and then we make some horses run but then she gives me a horse and asks me to make it look good because the boss is going to take pictures of it for selling. I do as I can but when I think I am finished, the bosses son comes and tells me I have to also clean the main and the tale and I just smile at him. About an hour later I am finally finished making the horse look good so he takes her away. I go out looking for Anita but I can not find her so I keep looking. Then while I am looking I get hit by a breeze and it feels so good so I stop and look around me for a bit. There is a big forest here just by the farm and I love it, it is so different from back home in Iceland. I stand there for a little while just looking at the sky and the forest but then I hear someone calling my name.  “Ana!”  I look down to the stable where I see the boss waving at me, I skip over to him.  “Yeah?” I ask smiling.  “Could you help Anita?” he says rather harshly and I flinch a little.  “Yeah of course” I say quickly and look around me.  I spot Anita walking with two horses and I run over to her.  “Hey can I help you?” I ask hoping she says yes.  She nods her head and gives me one of the horses to hold and I take it not sure what to do with it but she then walks into the arena and lets it loose. I ask with my hands if I should do the same and she nods her head again. We make the horses run and the boss was watching all the time and I made so many mistakes that I just wanted to go bury myself in a hole in the ground. When the day was finally over around dinner time again, I was so tired but I did not go to bed. I went down for dinner. They were all talking in german so I could not understand a word but I just ate my dinner and then put my plate away and went back to my room. When I was there I fell into bed and just as I was falling asleep my best friend called. She was so loud on the phone that I had to turn the volume down to almost nothing.  “So how was the first two days?” she asks in Icelandic.  I answer her with just a facial expression and she puts up a pout on her face.  “I am so tired and I think my boss hates me” I say in Icelandic so I am not afraid to speak loudly and openly.  I know no one here understands me so I just speak open about how I am feeling not worried that the people living here will know.  “He does not hate you” she says trying to make me feel better but I just arch my eyebrow.  “I did horribly today and I messed up so much that he is probably regretting hiring me” I say sighing and rubbing my eyes. “Have you been crying?” she asks worried.  I look at her a little stunned.  “When would I have had the time to cry? I just came up from dinner and I just told you my day?” I ask a little harsly but she knows I don't mean it in a bad way.  “I don't know but your eyes look red and swollen”  I stand up from my bed every muscle telling me not to move but I look at my mirror and she is right I look red around and in the eyes.  “No it is just my lenses not agreeing with my eyes” I say and start to take them out.  “EEEhhh no don't do that with me on the phone! I hate when people touch their eyes!” she squeals in the phone.  I just laugh at her and feel a deep pull in my heart that I miss her.  “I miss you” I say to her. She smiles and waves her hand at me.  “I miss you too, everything is so boring here without you” she says looking around her.  “Well then just tell that boyfriend of yours to mix things up” I tease her and she just laughs at me.  “So tell me about everything back home” I ask her.  “You only left five days ago Annabella, not much has changed”  I smile at her so she rolls her eyes and starts to tell me about the snow and the blizzard. I brag to her about the sun here and that I was actually just wearing a sweater out today but then she just drinks a big glass of water in front of me and I laugh. I miss the water back home, it is the best, the water here is okay but it tastes different. I try to keep away from soda so I drink a lot of just water and I don't like candy all that much so I eat a lot of fruit. So everything I like tastes different and I have give myself time to get used to it.  “Hey Þóra I have to go to sleep now because I am falling asleep talking to you”  She nods her head and sends me a kiss and a good night, I send her a kiss back and put the phone away. Seconds later I am asleep. That went on for the next two months, I worked all day, I am tired but I walk to my friends and family in the evening. I was starting to get the hang of the names and the feeding system for the horses but all the time I walked close to the woods or let myself look their way I just got lost. I always wanted to take a walk through them but never had the energy. I like it here, I have gotten on better terms with the boss because I know more but I am still scared shitless of him. I am not following Anita around anymore all the time, sometimes we do things together but most of the time we do things separately to save some time because there is so much to be done. I am getting into a hell of a shape and I have lost so much weight not that I was fat before but I am just building up muscles. I am still struggling with german but I think that will hopefully come with more practice.