Behind the display

12

“How’s my darling doing?” Bonnie asked with a sweet smile.

“Good.” I said in between my cereal bites. “How about you mom?”

“Great honey.” she busied herself with her boots, sitting on the kitchen counter. “Dad called.”

I remember how my eyes grew and I didn’t feel like eating anymore.

“He did?”

Bonnie nodded with a look of fear on her face. She pushed herself from the counter and gently put her hand on my hair.

“Maybe you should just talk to him.”

I started playing with my lips, which I later on learned I did when I was thinking deep or very nervous.

“Mom.” I said with an exaggerating sigh. “I don’t want to now.”

“I know honey. But just think of this. There’s some people out there who don't have a dad. They might wish to see their dad’s one last time again. We don’t know how much time we have left so I say, grab the most out of it.”

I smiled, knowing that Bonnie was right. “Okay, I’ll go see him.”

“Great, he wants to stick you for a milkshake at Rene’s.”

I started tapping my fingers on the table, already feeling nervous to see him again.

“I love you mom.” I said, loving her wise words and how she always saw the good in people. I always made a note to myself that I want to be more like her.

“I love you too.” and she gave me a kiss on top of my head.

“Mom.” I say seeing her sitting on an uncomfortable looking chair next to my bed, as I open my eyes.

She covers her mouth and tears start to escape her eyes. I pull myself in a sitting position and let her hug me with so much power in her embrace.

“You remember.” her voice is filled with joy making me cry as well.

“Mom.” I say and she looks at me caressing my hair with her soft touch and that’s when I realize how much I've missed her. I didn’t even know, and that’s probably all the pieces of me that made me feel so lost and out of control.

“Honey.” she looks at me through her teary eyes. “I’ve missed you so much.” she sniffs. She has seen me almost everyday.

“Why didn’t you tell me.”

She looks down with a guilty expression.

“Believe me I wanted to.” she shakes her head in shame. “And you being so far away and we losing complete contact with you I couldn’t just do nothing.”

I look at her with confusion, wanting her to talk more.

“We moved here. Me and your brother.”

My weight is being lifted as my mom speaks.

“Your father as well.” she nods and my mind wanders towards Rick.

“Rick?”

She purse her lips. “No not Rick honey.”

Who is my dad then? And who is the woman I thought was my mom. The woman who died. The woman who I had the most purest memories off.

“Who’s my dad then?” I ask not being able to recollect any memories of that.

“Oh honey.” she pulls me in another embrace, making me ache from all the times I’ve missed her comfortable touch.

“Why?” I ask in despair and start to cry. All the moments and memories that I’ve lost and that’s only coming back to me now, makes me feel like an awful person. What must it have been like for the people that love me. That I just forgot about them. “Why didn’t you just tell me?”

I hear mom take a deep pained breath. What is she thinking? Her hand combs through my hair and I push my head deeper in her hand, never wanting her to leave me. Wanting her to feel my vulnerable heart beating. I want her to feel how sorry I am. I want her to feel my sadness.

“Honey, I died to tell you.” I look at her and the lines of worry and pain on her face. The tears, each one I wanted to catch of how precious this moment is for me. To see mom hopeful for the future. Hopeful for me.

“I’m sorry mom.”

She shakes her head. I can see her trying to swallow the lump in her throat away. I let my hand trace the running tears.

“Don’t hold it back mom.” I say and with those words she breaks down. She wallows and let her pain engulf the room. She whimpers as she holds me.

“Why you? Why you?” she repeats the question. “Why my precious daughter.” she looks up, as if she’s talking to someone who isn't in the room. Anger starts to intertwine with her sadness. As if the emotion is taking over her. But what could be so bad. I’m regaining my memories back and soon everything will be back to normal.

“Mom.” I say, trying to get her out of the emotional state.

“Why did you go.” she looks at me with things in her eyes that can’t be unseen.

“Mom?”

“It can never be undone.” She moves her body backwards and forward as she cradles me.

I keep quiet as she keeps saying things that don't make sense.

“You never deserved this.” it seems strange to see her like this. So vulnerable as you always had herself in place.

“Bonnie.” I hear doctor Smith’s voice and I roll my eyes. Why does everybody have to interrupt us in moments that don't want to be interrupted.

“Bonnie, I think it’s time to go.” he says in a prim and proper voice and she immediately wipes her face and let her emotions die down.

“Sorry Andrew.” she says.

They’re on a name basis? I never thought of doctor Smith’s name.

Andrew Smith. Andrew Smith. Why does that ring a bell.

“Sorry Riley.” mom says and escapes from our embrace. I didn’t want her to go.

“Please don’t go.” I say in desperateness.

“I won’t ever go.”

“She has to, I don’t think you want her to witness one of your episodes.” No, don’t want to. So with another warm embrace and a sad goodbye she leaves.

“Why does everything have to be so secretive?” I ask Doctor Smith as soon as he closes the door behind mom.

“If everything comes tumbling down on you.” he raises his eyebrows, “all at once. You’ll loose yourself emotionally.”

“How would you know.” I ask gritting my teeth in flaming anger. Who gives him the right to say how I’m going to be or not be. Who says I want everything in my life to be a secret.

He eyes my wrist and I immediately let it go. He thinks I’m not emotionally fit. Probably everyone thinks that.

He gives me two pills and a water bottle and I take it with a defeated expression.

“It’s okay.” He says as I swallow the two pills with difficulty. Oh now he wants to pretend he cares. And that’s when my mysterious mind runs through memory lane.

“Dad?” he widens his eyes and opens his mouth as if he’s gasping for breath.

Andrew Smith is my dad. My surname is actually Smith. I’m Riley Smith.

“I didn’t think it'd happen so fast.” he says and I stand, and wrap my arms around him. Being stiff for a moment he eventually wraps his own arms around me. He hugs me tight and I didn’t think that I was needing it so much all along.

“My dear.” he says and can hear that his professional tone completely broke off.

I cry once more. It feels as if I’ve been gone for years and now I’m finally reuniting with everybody who’s important to me.

“I’m sorry.” he says and rubs my back up and down. I don’t want to understand, but I try, knowing how hard it must have been for him to see my cuts on my wrist. He’s only trying to protect me.

“It’s okay dad.” I think of Rick who all along I thought was my father.

“Hello honey.” Rick says, who at the time I thought was my dad. He had uncertainty in his voice.

“Hey dad.” I said back as I was busy with homework. When I said ‘dad’ he seemed satisfied and he sat next to me.

“What are you busy with?”

“Homework.” I grunted in a jokingly way.

“Atleast you didn’t have such a bad day at work.” he looked me intently in my eyes and I can remember smelling mint on his breath.

I chuckled. “I think school is worse.” I remember how much I hated school.

After I said that he literally put his head right in front of mine.

“What the.” I said in surprise and when he put his lips on mine with so much urgency I widened my eyes and jerked back.

“Dad.” I remember how frightened my voices sounded.

“Please ease some of daddy’s pain.” he said and I scrunched my face in disgust as I hopped out of the chair almost falling in the process. His eyes got crushed and he seemed scared and I took the opportunity to yell at him.

“What the hell, dad!”

His head fell. “I’m sorry.”

And soon he grabbed my arms with force and I just wished I had more strength. But I was a weak little girl. I was his weak baby girl. I screamed. I yelled. I cried. But nothing helped and somehow it felt as if my soul left my body. My joyful soul left me and my body got replaced by darkness. I couldn’t believe what happened. I didn’t want to believe it. I didn’t want to remember it. But I did. So I started cutting myself. One deep cut for each time Rick forced himself on me. One deep cut afterwards smeared with salt, to enchant the pain, that’s better than the pain inside. One deep cut that became several cuts. Several cuts that became too much to count.

I cry. I didn’t want to remember this. I don’t want to feel this pain. I need Stephen. So I stand and leave my room, trying to find something that can ease the pain that I’m feeling.