Oh, La-la!

Chapter 11. Kayla

“Beth left.”

This morning, when I stopped by Ash’s desk with a cup of tea, it had been obvious something was wrong. I respected that he didn’t want to talk about it at work, but I worried about him all day. By the time we were finally sitting in the back booth at the little pub we sometimes went to, I was buzzing with curiosity. I thought maybe a family member was sick or dead, but then I started panicking that maybe he was sick. Hearing that Beth had left him, had been having an affair for three f*cking years- I was shocked. Who does something like that? How dare that b*tch put Ash through this?

Trying to control the instant rage I feel, I sip my wine, but it tastes like dirt so I push it to the side. Seeing red, I’m ready to hunt Beth down and rip every hair off her head. Ash doesn’t need my anger right now, so I take a few deep breaths trying to tamp it down, but I’m ready to kill the b*tch for the hurt on his face.

“I’m a moron,” he says dejected.

I reach for his hand without thinking. “No, you’re not,” I say with a little more force than I meant to. “You couldn’t see what she was doing because you’d never, in a million years, do that to someone you love. People who don’t cheat don’t see what a cheater is doing. You’re not a moron, and it’s not your fault. There’s something broken about her. It’s not an excuse, it’s just a fact. And you deserve better.” I’ve dated guys that cheated on me before, so I have some idea of the pain he must be feeling, but I’ve never experienced anything this serious.

He looks down at our joined hands and gives my fingers the barest hint of a squeeze. “The other night, after the party, when she told me to take you home? That’s when he asked her.”

My eyes go wide and I grip his hand. “He was there?”

“Trent,” he nods. “Her gym buddy. I’m a f*cking idiot.”

“The bro dude? Mister Football is Life? Do you even lift? Ew.” I feel like I’m going to be sick. What the hell is wrong with Beth? Ash is a million times better than that douche canoe!

“Yeah, that one,” his voice is dark. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel. I’m not even sure I’m depressed that she’s gone. It’s like, I wanted to get married, have a family, star of my own sitcom, you know? Somewhere along the way it was less important who I was with and more that I was fulfilling the role.” He takes a deep, shaky breath. “I did love her. Once. I don’t know when that feeling faded, but it did. I just feel hollow now. Like I’ve been lying to myself for too long. Now I have to be realistic and admit it’s never going to happen for me. My life is so different from how I pictured it. I’m not sure how to be ok with that.”

I’m surprised to hear the emotion in his voice. I’m not entirely sure what to say, but I want him to know how much he means to me. “It’ll happen,” I squeeze his hand. “It will! She wasn’t the right one for you, but I swear, you’re the best person I know. I know a lot of people, and your right up there at the top.” He smiles at me, and even though it’s a small smile and a little lopsided, my heart soars. “Right now, there’s a woman out there thinking, ‘Right, I’m going to die alone.’ She doesn’t know that she’s just been waiting for the best person on the planet to become available.”

“It’s that simple, huh?”

With one last squeeze, I release his hand to take a sip of my wine. It tastes better now that he has some color back in his cheeks. I still want to rip Beth into tiny pieces, but it’s a low simmering hatred that could burn for years. “It could be,” I shrug. “Why not? People find their soul mates every day. Maybe you already have and the timing just needed to get sorted out.”

He frowns at me. “That’s not a very comforting thought.”

My wine is halfway to my lips when I stop and look at him. “What’s not? Maybe I said it wrong.”

“That I already met my soul mate, but because I was wasting my time with Beth, I… what? Missed my chance at happily ever after?”

“No, that’s not what I meant,” I sigh as I set my wine aside again. I’m definitely not good at this sort of thing. I need Tone here, he always knows the best thing to say at times like this. “I mean, maybe it wasn’t the right time, but there will be as many chances as you need. I don’t think you get one shot at this and that’s it. That’s ridiculous.” At least, that’s what I’m banking on. It’s probably going to take me meeting my soul mate a dozen times before I realize it.

“Hmm… maybe,” he says quietly.

I can’t stand the uncertainty and sadness in his voice, so I keep talking. Maybe if I ramble on enough, I’ll say something that will cheer him up. “Maybe you haven’t met her, and that’s ok, too! My friend Smash is single,” I stop before I can continue the thought. It was half formed at best, the idea of two of my best friends together. I can’t understand why a sudden surge of jealousy stopped me, but I know I can’t follow that path of setting them up. “Besides,” I try to change gears fast before he can ask me about Smash, “you’ve got plenty of time. Men age slower than women, and you’re definitely not old.” F*ck me. I put my empty wine glass down and silently berate myself. This is why it’s a bad thing for me to talk without fully thinking about what comes out of my mouth first. Although, I am going to consider it a little bit of a win that I didn’t keep talking and tell him how devastatingly handsome he is. “Do you want another beer?” Probably not a good idea for me to drink anymore since my filter is already broken, but I’m clutching at straws to distract from the thoughts currently filling my head.

“Umm… no. I should probably take off.”

Crap. I’ve made everything worse. “You sure? What about dinner?” Oh cool, now I’m channeling my mom!

He looks mildly confused, and I can’t really blame him. I feel like I’m bouncing off the walls. “Dinner?”

“Yeah, you know, food and stuff?” Somebody shoot me now! Why have I gotten so weird around him all of a sudden?

To my absolute relief, he smiles. “Yeah, I remember.” He rubs the back of his neck, “I’m sorry, I’m just not… I don’t think I could eat right now.”

I squint at him, worry eating through all my insecurities and it helps me focus. “You still need to eat, you know.”

“I will,” he says and I continue to glare at him. “I promise!”

I’d feel a lot better if I knew he had any intention of actually taking care of himself and not just drink himself into a coma tonight. “Do you want to stay with me tonight?”

“I… uh…” he stutters.

I suddenly realize what I said and I mentally kick myself for what it sounded like. “Oh sh*t, no, that’s not what I meant. I really suck at this,” I sigh. “I just meant, you know, if you didn’t want to be alone. My couch isn’t much, but it’s pretty comfortable.”

His laugh is nervous and I groan. Great job cheering up the poor man!

“No, yeah, that’s what I figured you meant. Actually, I think being alone is what I need right now. Just clear my head, you know?”

I nod in agreement. “As long as you promise to eat. Even if it’s just chips and ice cream?” my go-to break up feast.

“Chips and ice cream?”

I shrug, it’s not the best combination for everyone, but carbs and dairy seem to do a great job at soaking up the excess alcohol that inevitably comes with a bad break up. “Not necessarily together. And call me if you need anything. Even just an ear. I don’t even have to talk, which would probably be safer.”

He smiles at that and I’m relieved to see a little of the old Ash. I walk with him back to his car, neither of us say anything, but it just feels nice to have the company.

“You sure you’re going to be ok?” I ask as he unlocks his door. I can’t help but still feel worried about him.

“Yeah,” he smiles at me, “I’m not yet, not really, but I think I will be.” Relief floods through me. Of course he’s not ok right now, but I can hear the hope in his voice, and it lets me relax a little. He’s probably not going to die of alcohol poisoning tonight. “Can I give you a ride?”

I shake my head. “I’m good. It’s a nice walk to my place. Not that far. And it’s pretty much the only exercise I get these days,” I laugh thinking about Smash giving me a hard time for not going to the gym with her. On impulse, I wrap my arms around him in a tight embrace.

After a moment’s hesitation, he returns the hug. “Thank you, Kayla,” he whispers into my hair. “For caring. For… everything.”

With my head pressed against his chest, I can feel the rumble of his quiet voice against my cheek. His solid warmth is comforting, and I breathe his masculine scent in deeply. Suddenly self-conscious that I’m still hanging on to him for a lot longer than what is probably considered an appropriate time for friends to hug, I pull back and look up into his face with an apology on my lips. It must be that the sappy romance books I’ve been reading lately have gotten into my psyche, but I swear no one has ever looked at me with the sort of intensity on his face right now. It takes some effort, but I manage to step back, embarrassed to feel the heat rising in my cheeks. “It’s what friends do.” What they don’t do is try to seduce a man when he’s at his most vulnerable. “Drive safe, Ash.” I want to hug him again, even just touch his shoulder, but I don’t dare trust myself. If he doesn’t leave soon, I’m afraid I’m going ask him to stay with me again, but not on my couch. And what a disaster that would be! “Text me to let me know you got home safe.”

“Will do. Goodnight, Kayla. I’ll talk to you tomorrow,” he says before climbing in his car and driving off.

Geez, I’m such a spaz! Tone’s right, I need to get laid before I do something completely crazy like destroy a friendship that I really treasure by throwing myself at Ash when he’s obviously not in a place to deal with my craziness. Not to mention, I refuse to be anyone’s rebound. No, thank you. Hard pass on that!

I shiver a little at the memory of the warmth that enveloped me when he held me against his chest. I take a deep breath and the remnants of his cologne tickle my memory and bring unbidden thoughts of what he would taste like, what his lips would feel like against mine. Shaking myself as though to physically rid my mind of those thoughts, I remind myself why it would be a bad idea. I love my friendship with Ash, I’ve come to depend on him. And I’m the queen of bad relationships. Not only would I destroy our friendship, but we still need to work together. Maybe I should let Smash and Tone set me up with someone. It’s obviously been too long since I proved to myself how incapable I am at having normal human interaction in a romantic sense.