Lychos Cycle

Chapter 5: A Place for Me

Ethie spins out the story, Gabriel gently interjecting when she gets a detail wrong, though content, as always, to allow his sister the limelight. His quiet kindness and pure spirit make me think of his father and the loss of Liam. Which only brings me back to Sage.

No, I will not allow him to distract me. Not when I have these two darlings to watch over. I feel guilt, knowing my place should be here, protecting them as I did their mother. It is what I was raised to do. It's the person I am, not a princess, but a bodywere as Syd calls me. I can't help but feel my destiny has been skewed, misdirected by some odd twist of fate not meant for me.

A large ball of silver fur glides toward us, leaping up to settle on Gabriel's knee. I'm feeling like a sofa at this point, but I don't mind, especially when Sassafras stands on the boy, leaning in to touch my nose with his pink one.

"Should have known you'd be hiding in the corner with the kids," he grumbles. "Took me a while to find you."

I don't have a free hand to pet him, though I know he understands. A large, black shape joins us, towering over Ethie's dark head as Galleytrot sits on his haunches, tongue lolling from the side of his mouth.

"Hey, Charlotte," he says.

I nod to him, my own little party filling me with all the contentment I need. "Ethie was telling me about the treasure hunt."

Her huffing ends as I return my attention to her.

"As I was saying," she rolls her eyes, "before I was interrupted." And off she goes again into a detailed and excited explanation.

It's hard for them when you're not here, Sass sends, mental voice soft. I am still becoming accustomed to speaking to others this way and falter before I answer.

It's hard for me, too. There was a time I wouldn't have admitted such to anyone. But I am a different woman than I was when I first met the Hayles, no longer broken and in need of the focus on the job to keep me together. They have taught me trust and loyalty, the real meaning of love. I would be here more if my life allowed.

I know, I'm sorry. His demon power sizzles along the edges of my wolf and she wriggles in response. How are things back home?

Fine. I do have a line, and he's touched on it. I'm in no mood to share with him my troubles.

I see. He sinks into Gabriel's lap, amber eyes firing with magic.

It's just... did I not just decide to leave him out of it? Sass has a way about him that disarms me, even more than Syd. I should be here, Sassafras. Taking care of the family.

His tail twitches as he thinks my words over. It's not that, he says.

Not entirely. I bow my head, inhaling the scent of Ethie's shampoo and her perfect little girl smell. I know they have you and Galleytrot to watch over them. They don't need me.

He laughs in my head. They will always need you. Sass's mental voice sounds whimsical, as though he's in his own memory a moment. And we could use the help, with this one, especially. He's staring at Ethie now, and I do my best not to laugh out loud at the implication. She's a handful.

She's her mother's daughter, I say. You expected something else?

Sassafras sighs. I've raised so many Hayle girls, he sent. But this one is something else entirely.

Syd returns with a drink of water for me, taking Gabriel into her own arms. He's half asleep, snuggling into his mother's neck as Ethie winds down her story and begins to drift off, too. Sassafras takes Gabriel's place on my knee, purring while the big hound lies at my feet with a groan of pleasure, dark eyes closing.

Impulse, fed by the girl dosing in my arms and my proximity to the people I loved the most, drives me to speak words I never intended.

"Syd," I say. "If I were to step down as heir, would there be a place for me here?"

I'm shocked by my words, so much I can barely draw a breath once they have escaped me. Sassafras's purr goes silent a moment before it starts up again, louder than ever. I feel him trying to comfort me and allow it, the red flare of fire in Galleytrot's eyes letting me know he's listening carefully.

Syd reaches out and takes my hand again. "Without question," she says. "Any time, come as you are, you betcha."

I laugh, unable to stop myself, while she watches me with a sad smile.

"And hell no," she says.

I sigh, giddiness passing.

"Yes," Syd says, "because I miss you and love you and it's not the same without you. The kids adore you, life is better when you're here." She looks away from me, up at the star-filled sky. Her sorrow is a living thing between us, my wolf snuffling at it and whining. "And no, because you are so much more than a servant to anyone. And if you came back, I'd worry it was for the wrong reasons."

I nod. "You're right," I say. "It would be." At least, for now. And since the near future means taking on fully the role I was thrust into, I can't see what's coming for me any other way.

"I understand, Charlotte." Syd's voice barely carries, free hand rubbing Gabriel's back in absent circles. "The pressure. The responsibility. But it gets easier." She laughs then. "Okay, I lied. Not easier. But you do get used to it."

"I'm just a soldier." What is it about tonight that has freed my tongue? I feel completely open to her, wanting to talk about it where normally my old way of being held me back. "I'm not meant for this, Syd. I wasn't raised to lead like you were. And the longer I'm in this, the more trapped and hopeless I feel." I sag around Ethie's sleeping body. "I've watched you for years, in awe of what you've accomplished." I meet her eyes, see her modesty firmly in place. "I just don't think I have the capacity to commit like you do. Like you have."

Fear of failure? Is that what holds me back? Of course, it is the most clear and precise answer to my standoff with my grandfather. My whole life, failure has never been an option, punishable by beating or death. Or worse. And yes, there has been worse, times I wished I could just die and be done with the pain.

Syd's head lifts as magic stirs. I feel the touch of the drach, know she's being called away. Syd stands, bends to kiss my cheek, Gabriel's hair brushing over my collarbone.

"You have no idea how scared I've been," she says, eyes intense and power holding me tight. "How many times I've been sure I've screwed things up to the point they would never, ever be okay again. We live with fear, Charlotte. It's what keeps us humble and doing the right thing. Just so you know," she straightens, hopping Gabriel a little higher in her arms, "I think you're amazing."

Quaid appears behind her, dark eyes full of worry. "Max is here."

So I was right about the drach. I stand, too, as she hands off her son to her husband, Sassafras leaping down to follow Syd. I watch her go with a heavy heart, not so sure as she is I'm capable of fulfilling the role ahead of me but, thanks to her, more willing to try.

***