His Infertile Luna

I shift for what is probably the hundredth time in the hard, uncomfortable plastic chair placed next to the closed door. The time moves slowly and every second feels like an eternity that brings me closer to the source of my anguish. For days this unwanted appointment and the reason for it hung over me like a heavy shadow. This appointment has signaled the alarm that I have given in to the fact that I am having trouble and I need help. Desperately. Everyone around me, even those that have just mated are starting families and after all this time. Nothing. I also have to cope with everyone asking when do we plan to and why we haven't started a family yet. Then I have to bear the look of disappointment on their faces when I tell them we are trying just that nothing hasn't happened to me yet. Nothing. Every last week in the month is nerve wracking. When I pee on the stick and pray to the Moon Goddess that there is a child growing inside me, our child. You build up this hope every month and then there is nothing. There's nothing but a bitter sadness and disappointment at the end of it all. I hear the whispers and the talks around the pack. I know that everyone is saying it's long overdue as I'm Luna. But with something so sensitive to me, something so tender and yet raw. I wish they wouldn't. I wish they knew that every word or gesture does something damaging to me. That them scrutinising my body and suggesting every known solution to man unwarranted and sometimes patronisingly hurts more than they'll ever know. That every time someone asks " When are we going to see little mini alphas running around?" I want to pull my hair out and I sink deeper into myself. It slices a fresh pain in me because I also want to see mini little us running around. I want it too with all of my heart. It is seen as a duty and therefore, everyone thinks I have failed in that aspect. Everytime I am bloated and it starts spreading through our pack that I am finally pregnant, I find somewhere to cry. It also doesn't help seeing everyone else's little children running around and having playdates, mothers sharing tips and carpooling together. It's a constant reminder, a sore spot for me. I sigh impatiently in the waiting area. I feel like I am slowly losing my mind. The AC is freezingly cold, blasting away in the corner and I am starting to believe that they make these places uncomfortable on purpose. I nervously recount the amount of purple chairs lining the hallway again while pressing my fingers together and stop when it doesn't help my rising panic. He isn't here. I stop myself from frantically looking at the oval face of my watch again because I know what time it is. I checked four seconds ago... and six seconds before that. It wouldn't have changed since then. I hang my head in disappointment and brush my hair back. I will just have to do this alone. He said he would be here when I reminded him this morning. My text messages to him haven't been read. I'd even called his phone but it rang and went straight to voicemail. I fight the urge to call again. I fight the urge to cry, feeling my throat clogging up. My anxiety is currently through the roof and my mind is in a million places at once. My heart is racing and there is nothing to take my mind off of what awaits me because all I have are the drab, blank walls of the reception area staring back at me. I am trying to calm myself down by conjuring up all the best possible outcomes that could happen. You will be fine, I tell myself. It's just anxiety. I will go in there and she will tell me that I'm perfectly fine and it's just stress. I gently rub my temples for relief. If I stop worrying about it then in future it will likely happen when I least expect it. I'm just a bit later than others and it happens sometimes. That's what mom says. She also gave me recommendations for various s*x positions to try, however when they are coming from your own mother you end up being very uncomfortable. Grateful but extremely uncomfortable. It's like the bird and the bees story all over again when you've just started your first period. As soon as I get the good news I can stress less and sleep better. My fingers have a mind of their own and I desperately check my phone again but there aren't any missed calls or text messages on the bright screen alerting me of any emergencies currently happening in my pack. Maybe he doesn't remember? I had made sure that our schedules were both cleared for today a week prior. I settle on the fact that something must have came up. But what? We've been mated for four years. I remember how amazing everything was when we claimed each other. Nothing will ever compare to knowing that there is someone out there specially for you and only you. That you are now tethered to that person for the rest of your life and all of eternity. Being in love is the most amazing feeling and I can understand why heartbreaks are the worst. I reminisce on our mating vows and ceremony. It was decorated with my favorite flowers; pink and white peonies. It felt like a dream. James was always the strong, handsome guy with the midnight black hair that every girl talked about and dreamed of, the powerful and future alpha from the Corinthian pack over from ours and I was just like all the girls, pining relentlessly over him. I never thought I would be mated to him, but mom insists I sell myself short. It doesn't really feel like four years since we've mated and marked each other. It feels like just yesterday and yet.. He isn't here. Even with all the delay. The blonde haired receptionist comes out and apologises once more for the doctor running late and asks if I want to reschedule. The doctor is currently with another patient and I'm supposed to be her last patient for the day. I reassure her that it's totally fine and she smiles worriedly at me before she leaves. Does she know something that I don't? The door finally opens and a pregnant brown haired lady walks out. She is talking excitedly with the doctor as they exit the room. I take in how beautiful and perfectly round her stomach is with the light pink sweater draped over it. I hear them discuss listening to the baby's heartbeat in the future and I can understand why as an expectant mother that is the best and most beautiful thing you could ever hear. I squeeze my fingers together and I feel like I'm a part of their bubble. She looks radiant and it is now that I notice a guy has entered the waiting area for her, but I was too busy in my own world to notice. Her mate is here for her. It gives me a twinge of jealousy that he's there for them. He lovingly greets her as she waddles over, their smiles bright and happy. His large hand gently slides around her waist as a measure of insurance as she weighs her steps carefully. I am enthralled and envious of the dome shaped circle she is sporting. I am envious of her chubby cheeks and swollen breasts. The way she places her hand on her stomach every chance she gets. I am envious of her swollen ankles and the fact that she cannot bend. I am envious..... that she has her very own little life growing in her, blossoming. I wonder what I will look like pregnant, with life growing inside me. Will my cheeks get chubby? I tear my eyes away from her growing stomach to see the gynaecologist watching and patiently waiting for me. " Mrs. Corval?" she politely smiles at me, her brows furrow slightly as she gestures into the room that I would give anything not to go into. I hesitantly grab my purse and smile weakly at her. "Sorry." I apologise profusely as I get up and walk into her familiar office and the door closes behind me. There is no turning back. She starts by apologising for having me wait and making light small talk about not remembering to bring her car in for an update and I wish she would forget about me too. She has kind eyes. Her smiles reaches her eyes. " How are you feeling?" Doctor Lin asks. How am I feeling? I sit rigid in the chair like a specimen ready to be put under the microscope and prodded. " I'm fine." I respond politely. I want to shout at her to hurry up and get it over with. It is only for so long that I can bear the weight of it all. I feel like a tree that's been cut almost all the way through, that's tilting slowly to the side about to fall. Doctor Lin is dressed plainly with her hair in a tight ponytail. She taps on her computer and I know she's pulling up records and probably making notes. I wrinkle my nose at how sterile inside the room smells. It feels even colder inside here than the lobby and I involuntarily shiver. She reaches forward and opens up my file that is waiting on her table and I can see the trepidation in her features that she is too slow to mask. What could be so devastating? What exactly does her reaction mean? I nervously squeeze my fingers in my lap hard. Doctor Lin flips the pages and she starts to inform me of what is in there; what the test results show and what it all means. Her mouth is moving and I am in a zone trying to distance myself from it all as she mentions the fallopian tubes, cervix, ovaries and uterus. I hear her but I am struggling to accept it all. The whole world has stopped and I can hear myself breathing loudly. I feel my optimism from earlier disintegrate into despondency. My husband isn’t here...And I am infertile.