Lemons and Lemonade

Untitled Episode

The Night Mama caught Uncle Tee at the sitting room violating me, was the very night we left Uncle Tee’s house. 

I wished she didn’t come back earlier.

I didn’t know she was back from the Market, maybe if I had known I wouldn’t have screamed the way I did. 

I was twelve years old at the time.

As was his norm whenever Mama left, Uncle Tee already had me pinned down to one of the chairs in the sitting room. 

He spread my legs wide apart and had his finger stuck inside me, aggressively pushing it in and out. My breasts were still forming at that time and had the size of a strawberry, but Uncle Tee would use his other hand to press them as though he wanted to squeeze something out. 

It was very painful, and so, like always I would scream and wish someone passed by the house.

Someone, anyone other than Mama, I silently hoped and prayed would come to save me from Uncle Tee - and that they would come quickly to save me. The fact that Mama found out the way she did was something I didn't want her to find out because I knew it would break her heart.

As soon as I told her that this had been going on for nearly two years, she went completely insane. She kept screaming and shouting at Uncle Tee while packing our bags.

Uncle Tee explained to me that this was my way of repaying him for marrying my mother and allowing us to stay in his home for a time. As long as I remained a good girl and did not tell anyone about what he was doing to me, we would be able to continue to stay at his house.

'Jane, I'm sure you wouldn't want to live in the bush,' he had said after the first incident, 'but if you were a good girl, you wouldn't have to', he had added.

I didn’t know why we would resort to living in the bush if we weren’t staying with Uncle Tee. And even though I doubted the possibility of us living in the bush, it was a risk I wasn’t wasn’t willing to take.

Mama didn't have anyone. She ran away from an orphanage home because one of the people who came to visit them promised her a good life, and she took advantage of the opportunity. It was too late for her to return to the orphanage by the time she discovered that they wanted her to become a part of their escort service. She was already pregnant. And so, left with no other alternative, she joined them. 

She had me there and that was where she met Uncle Tee too.

The only thing Uncle Tee had to his name before he met Mama was his parents house -where we lived with him.

I never saw him work. It was Mama who did all the work and so she was barely at home.

Most times, she came home tired and stressed and we never had time for long discussions.

That night as we hurriedly left Uncle Tee’s house, Mama kept on repeating, ‘He promised me you will have a good life. He told me you were the best thing that happened to him. I thought he loved you like his own’.

Despite the fact that I was only twelve years old, I could see the disappointment and frustration in her eyes.

We slept in the market that night - in one of the shops. Mama cried all through the night, She couldn’t sleep. She kept saying, ‘My poor Jane’. Very early the next morning, before people started coming out, Mama woke me up and we continued walking.

We must have walked for close to six hours when Mama finally decided we should enter the church in front of us to rest. We met a Priest -Father Shem, just as we entered the church, he wanted to know our story. After mama had explained our ordeals to him, he took pity on us. We were given a room at the parsonage as we didn’t have anywhere else to go. 

Mama and I were to serve as his cook. His previous Chef had been asked to return to the village after her husband’s demise. It was something that had to do with tradition. So she left within short notice and he had not been able to get a good replacement.

‘The good Lord must have sent you to me’. The priest told us, smiling.

I stayed there with Mama at the Church for two years, cooking, serving the Priest and the church -whenever there was need to. I even returned to school. Mama seemed happier.

I made friends. That was the period I met Helen and Ann.

We were all around the same age. Same year. Helen is older than me by a few months. But, I was older than Ann by a few weeks.

Helen was a new schoolmate from whom I learned a lot. She, like me, grew up without a father, but unlike me, she had a relationship with her father before he passed away. In addition, she was the first of four children.

We used to walk the same route home from school, which was the first thing that brought us together before we became close friends.

Ann attended services at the parish/church where we were staying. Her mother, a devout parishioner, was almost always at church, looking for something she could do to assist the Priest.

She always brought Ann with her.  Whenever the Adults went about their business, Ann and I would retreat to our own private nook to talk with each other. Mostly, we talked about conceited church members and wealthy church members, and occasionally, we talked about what we wanted to be in the future. I believe we discussed which members of the church we would like to marry at some point, but I'm not sure when that was.

However, spending time with Helen at school and Ann at home was always a highlight of my week.

And just when it appeared that everything was returning to normal, Mama collapsed in the middle of the afternoon on her way to the kitchen.

She never regained consciousness after that.

The earth lost its taste when Mama eventually gave in to the cold hands of death. I didn’t see the need to live anymore. The fact that everything I cared about revolved around Mama made it extremely difficult for me to imagine my life without her.

I was fourteen then.

I would lock myself in my room and cry for days on end. I had a strong desire to accompany my mother wherever she might have gone. There were some days when I would wake up feeling resentful of Mama. I'd be perplexed as to why she had to succumb to death so quickly.

Did I not mean anything to her? I would ask myself albeit unconsciously. 

Father Shem made certain that Mama received a proper burial. She was laid to rest in the grounds of the Church. She had nothing but the church to fall back on. And it was all I had at the time, as well.

For the most part, Helen and Ann were there for me during that time, so I was rarely physically alone, except on the days when I decided to lock myself in my room and cry.

It was during that period that Ann and Helen actually met themselves for the first time. And because we spent a lot of time together, we all became close and referred to ourselves as the three wise men.

Fr. Shem was given the opportunity to study in another country exactly eight months after Mama's passing occurred. He had been pursuing it for quite some time, and even his mother was aware of his plans to study abroad.

The fact that Father Shem was present also prevented me from feeling Mama's death as strongly as I should have. He was always providing me with whatever he felt I needed. 

Having the knowledge that he was about to leave made me realize for the first time how truly alone I had truly become.

It dawned on me that I was really the only one in the whole world. There was no one to call my own. I had no one.

Father Shem called me to his office before he traveled to advise me. He talked about a lot of things. How I should never be too ashamed to ask for help, how I should pray more often, finally gave me a lot of money before traveling, and he made me promise him I would continue with my education no matter the circumstance.

'You understand that this is exactly what your mother always wanted for you.'

I promised myself that I would do my best.

Following Fr. Shem's departure, a new priest was assigned to the church.

In order to avoid any ties with Fr Shem's previous staff, the newly appointed priest politely requested that we vacate the premises so that he could hire new personnel.

I rented a room with some of the money Father had given me before leaving for the trip, and I began looking for places where I could work and study simultaneously. I didn't want to spend the entire sum of money that Father Shem had given me.

On my fifteenth birthday, I found a flexible job as a shop attendant at a provision store.

This was where I met Philip. He was one of the regular customers we had.

Philip and I clicked immediately. It was more like love at first sight.

Instead of Jane, he called me ‘Jay’, no one had ever shortened my name before.

And it felt good.

He will wait for me at the school gate, and we will walk to the shop together with Helen after school.

Philip was a pleasure to spend time with, and he had plenty of spare time to share with me. My happiness seemed to be all that mattered to him.

Helen didn't get along with Philip for some reason. She didn’t like me talking about him either.

When we first met, Philip was an unemployed graduate looking for a job that suited his skills and experience.

I started liking him with time, but despite my intense feelings for Philip, I was reluctant to enter into a relationship with him, especially because Helen didn’t like him.

I also couldn't understand why he had to keep waiting for one befitting job when there was a thousand and one unbefitting job he could be managing while still looking for his dream job.

We were friends for two years and Philip made me feel like I wasn’t all alone. He didn’t have money but he was always ready to listen to me.

I finished my Secondary school at seventeen, that was the year I finally decided to date Philip. 

He was still unemployed.

And because I was in love, or so I believed, we were married within a short time to begin our happily ever after. 

Everyone who knew me at that time, was against my marriage to Philip. 

Helen, Ann, Ann’s Mother, my Boss at work.

They told me I was still too young to rush into marriage. They asked me to take enough time to think about it. They asked me to put into consideration the fact that Philip didn’t have any job at the moment.

I refused to think.

None of them mattered that much to me anymore. Philip was all I cared about.

I bought everything we spent during the wedding, since my husband was unemployed and broke.

I had intended to use the money Father Shem gave me before traveling to rent a larger apartment for us, resign from my job, and begin applying for my degree program.

That was my intention all along.

Philip, on the other hand, made sure I didn't accomplish any of this.

He changed completely after the wedding.

It was almost as though I never knew him.

Jay returned back to Jane. And he never called me Jay again. 

After the marriage, we moved into his small apartment, with the understanding that we would be out in a few weeks, as he had promised. I gave him money in order for him to find us a suitable apartment. He didn't do it. He was completely unaccountable in terms of money. I hoped against hope that he would at the very least get us the house.

A few weeks slowly became a few months. Philip kept collecting money from me, but I wasn’t seeing any sign that he was actually looking for an apartment.

I lost all my money to him and home upkeep. 

And then, I became broke too.

Not having any money at all really affected our first year in marriage. We were constantly arguing, fighting, and hurling furniture at one another. It was exhausting. During one of those confrontations, I suffered tooth loss.

Because it was worse than the previous year, the second year made the last year appear to be fantastic.

Consequently, in the third year, he became a drunkard. 

That same year, I became pregnant and felt that this might encourage him to cut down on his drinking -it did not.

It grew worse over time. 

The news of my pregnancy made him very angry. There was no money, no job, and I was about to add a baby to our already impoverished situation.

I was almost twenty-one years old, then.

Life was really difficult for me, but I couldn’t open up to anyone.

Helen and Ann were both already in the University living the life we had all planned together, but I was stuck with Philip and a child on the way.

Philip came home from the beer parlor one evening, enraged, and I was sound asleep at the time. The fact that there was nothing for him to eat led him to decide to transfer his aggression to me.

The entire morning had been spent vomiting, and I had no money with which to prepare any food for the family.

I spent the entire day lying in bed, only getting out of bed to vomit.

I was in the middle of the bed when Philip noticed me and immediately flipped the bed over on me.

At the time of the incident, I was three months pregnant with my first child.

Whenever I attempted to flee, he yanked me up and pinned me against the raised bed frame.

“Whore.” I could feel the waves of rage he was emitting. “Have you forgotten how I picked you up when everyone rejected you? You so desperately wanted to be loved that you quickly jumped into marriage with me”

At that moment it felt as though my world came crashing down. Philip had previously called me several abusive terms. Still, it was the first time he used the word "w***e".  That struck me differently.

I don’t know whether it was the physical or emotional abuse I faced that night that caused it, but, that night, I had a miscarriage.

I was afraid of dying in silence, so I had to get in touch with Helen as soon as I felt well enough to do so.

I knew she had a clearer sense of judgment, and I needed someone I could freely speak to.

Because I had lost the pregnancy, Helen begged me to leave the marriage, saying that it might be a sign from the Universe that I was not on the right path.

But, leaving the marriage was a very difficult decision to make. And I couldn't make it.

I was terrified of being on my own once more.

I had nightmares about being all by myself. And it was terrible.

Philip was the only family I had and I desperately wanted to make my marriage work, and even though I didn’t know how to, I knew leaving the marriage wasn’t a way of making it work..

His promise to never hit me again was Philip's way of saying sorry. I was able to forgive him.

However, as a result of the incident, I withdrew and rarely spoke more than three words at a time.

Philip made an effort to cheer me up when he realized how withdrawn I had become. Even started looking for a job in earnest. We were strapped for cash at the time and had no choice but to rely on the generosity of strangers.

After a few months, I found out I was pregnant again. This time around I wasn’t even happy with the development myself. I had not fully recovered from the previous loss and the circumstances surrounding it. And a baby was the least on my mind.

For some strange reason, Philip was happy with this pregnancy. 

Unlike the other pregnancy, he was always ready to help me around the house.

Only a few weeks before the due date of our child, he was able to secure work.

My child died in the womb. And it had a terrible impact on me. For the first time, I had to ask myself if I was actually cursed.

Ann suggested a visit to a spiritualist, just to be sure there wasn’t any force working against me. I promised her I would think about it. 

I didn’t.

In the absence of Philip, who was preoccupied with his new job and terrible boss, I felt utterly devoid of companionship.

True to his words, the fighting and drinking had stopped, but emotional abuse persisted.

I sat outside my window one night and watched him fall asleep. I was aware that I had become a shadow of my former self. A life like this wasn't what I had planned for myself.

Despite our nearly five-year marriage, I had nothing but pain and regret to show for it.

I couldn't see myself returning to school at this point. Everyone was disappointed in me.

My Mom, Father Shem, and my friends. I was depressed and felt like a total loser, with no hope for the future.

I went into the kitchen and grabbed my knife in that state of anguish, anger, guilt, and confusion.

Life had become too much for me, and I needed a break. As a result, I grabbed a knife and stabbed myself in the vein in the same manner as I had seen in movies.

At first, I didn't notice anything, but then I noticed that the ground was getting closer to my face. I felt at peace as soon as the ground sank its teeth into my skin.

I thought to myself, "This must be how death feels," as I slipped away.