The Bedrock Series

Chapter Four-1

Unlike most brides to be, planning a wedding didn’t stress Addison one bit. After all, she had hers planned by the time she was six. And as it turned out, things didn’t change so very much between the time she was six and twenty-five.

As Patrick waltzed Addie across the dance floor, she smiled and thought to herself: With a wedding as perfect as this, how could the life together that followed not be just so? She hadn’t yet fully understood, not in the way that you can until you’re in the thick of it, anyway, that weddings aren’t exactly representative of everyday life. He won’t always look at you this way. You will go days, sometimes weeks like ships passing in the night before you get to the other side. Your wedding day is a dressed up, shined and polished version of what married life is like. But, of course, no one told her that, and in any case, she probably wouldn’t have believed them if they had.

With a wedding as perfect as this, how could the life together that followed not be just so? .He won’t always look at you this way. You will go days, sometimes weeks like ships passing in the night before you get to the other side. Your wedding day is a dressed up, shined and polished version of what married life is like. That’s not to say she and Patrick weren’t happy. It was just different than she’d expected was all.

And then just as it seemed they’d found their rhythm, everything changed. It was almost two years to the day they married that Addison gave birth to their first child; a son they named Connor. While the baby wasn’t exactly a surprise, she and Patrick had discussed Addison going off of the pill and trying for a baby, it was safe to say that neither of them expected it to happen so very quickly. Patrick would have preferred a few more years without children, he’d made it clear he wanted to focus solely on his career, which was one reason she wanted a baby in the first place. She wanted him home more and when Addison wanted something, she was persistent.

It was also safe to say that they were both wholly unprepared for the drastic changes that becoming parents would bring to their lives. Addison had planned on continuing on at her job after the baby arrived, and for the first six months following a six-week maternity leave, she did just that.

Unfortunately, her plan didn’t last long. Connor was a colicky infant who cried constantly. He rarely slept, and when he did, it was rarely longer than a half-hour stretch. Addison paced the halls with Connor at all hours while he screamed and screamed non-stop. She wore the carpet thin, walking back and forth. Back and forth. She found relief in going to work everyday just to get away from the crying. Plus, at work there was a beginning and an end but at home it was just one long stretch of more of the same. There were endless doctor appointments followed by visits to various specialists, who all seemed to confirm what the last had said. Connor was perfectly healthy. Some babies just cry more than others.

Back and forth.There were numerous calls to Jessica during that time in which Addison seemed desperate but swore was all that kept her sane.

“I just need to know it won’t always be this way…” she said. “Please tell me, Jess, say it won’t.”

“It won’t.”

“They say he’s fine. The doctors . . . I just don’t get it, though. They’re freaking doctors, and they can’t give me an answer. Something is wrong. And I haven’t a clue what. Aren’t mothers supposed to know these things?”

“Did they give you anything to try? What about his formula?”

“We’ve tried a dozen brands. The way they say to do and nothing… All the doctors tell us the same thing—that he’ll grow out of it. But I don’t know. Maybe it’s me? I’m obviously doing something wrong.”

“What does Patrick say?”

“Patrick who?”

Jess laughed.

“He’s never home. And really, how can I blame him? I don’t think he likes me much, either.”

Jessica sighed. She could hear the loneliness in Addison’s voice. “Honey, it’s not you. It will get better. And if the doctors say he’s fine, then believe them. You’re a great mother, Add— anyone can see that. Connor is fine. You just need to stop worrying so much. I mean, he is your son after all. Remember how much you cried in college? Every twenty-eight days or so.”

yourAddison laughed. “I didn’t cry that often.”

“Well, you certainly cried more than I did, and that’s saying something.”

“Thank you,” she said.

“I didn’t do anything…”

“You listened, you always listen. And you know just what to say to talk me down from the ledge.”

“It’s nothing.”

“It’s not nothing—,” Addison murmured. Jessica could tell she was crying. “I was beginning to really question my sanity. No one told me how hard this was going to be, Jess. No one said it was going to be so all consuming. He’s eight pounds wet, and he’s taken over my entire life. And the screaming, I don’t know… sometimes I understand how a parent could physically harm their child. Not that I ever would—but I get it. And that’s f*****g scary. This is my life now,” she said. “Everything is different…”

* * *

They were on their fifth nanny in just six short months and that’s not including the time Addison took off for maternity leave. By the time Addison hired nanny number six, she began to wonder if word had gotten around. It was becoming increasingly more difficult to get someone to accept the position. When she’d finally succeeded and was able to return to work, it was just two short days before the nanny quit, citing Connor’s endless crying.

Patrick came home from work, late again, always late, to find the baby screaming in his crib and Addison lying on the bathroom floor sobbing. “What’s wrong?” he asked, but his tone was flat. He was tired, too. “What are you doing in here?”

She didn’t answer, not immediately. Eventually, he asked again.

She looked up at him. “The nanny quit.”

He frowned. “Ok?”

“Ok?”

“I mean, what else is new? We’ll just hire another one.”

“OK!” Addison shouted over the baby’s cries. “Ok? That’s all you have to say? Look—I’m exhausted. I can’t even put him down for two seconds, Patrick. And then you say, we have to hire someone new, when what you really mean is I have to hire someone new. I’ve missed so much work already. You should see my desk. It’ll take me months to get caught up—if ever.”

weI Patrick shrugged and turned toward the door. “You’re the one who wanted a kid.”

Addison felt the rage building; she felt her face grow hot. “f**k you.”

He turned and walked out. “I’m going for a run. Clearly, we should talk about this when you’re not so emotional.”

Addison picked up the closest thing to her, a hairbrush, and hurled it at the door, just as he slammed it shut.

* * *

In the end, Addison hired nanny number seven, an elderly woman named Sue. Sue assured her she could hack it, she’d raised more children than she could count. Unfortunately, by the time Addison found herself back in the office, many of her big projects had been handed off to her colleagues.

Addison couldn’t blame her boss, not really. She was a mess. Not just mentally, hopelessness spilled over into every area of her life. Her appearance had become pale and sickly, and her hair was falling out. She had trouble focusing; and it wasn’t just the lack of sleep. Her mind was cloudy. She wondered if she might be suffering from postpartum depression; although, it really didn’t matter one way or the other. Even if she were, she would never admit it, not to herself and especially not to anyone else.

The harder it became to hold it all together, the more Patrick demanded that Addison leave her job permanently. At first, the conversation occurred weekly until Addison stopped talking to him all together about what was on her plate, after all she knew what he would say. Eventually, it came up daily. “I just don’t understand,” he would say. “My mom never worked, and I turned out pretty good, don’t you think? It’s not like we need the money… so what’s the big deal?”

“The big deal is that I want to work. But more than that, I don’t want to become your mother.”

yourHe crossed his arms. “What’s wrong with my mother?”

“Nothing, Patrick. Nothing is wrong with her. As you can see, she raised such an understanding, intuitive man.”

“Good then,” he sighed, grabbing his things from the table. “It’s settled.”

“It’s not settled.”

He turned back, glancing over his shoulder. “You know, it’s amazing how difficult you can be. It’s no wonder the baby cries all the time. His own mother would rather go to some low paying job every day, where she’s not even really wanted, rather than hang out with him. Have you even stopped to consider how lucky you are? How many women would kill to be in your shoes?”

“It must have slipped my mind,” she said and watched him walk out the door. He didn’t come back for two days.

She lasted exactly two months before she finally gave in to Patrick’s demands. It wasn’t that she’d wanted to. Sue quit just like the others and Addison didn’t have it in her to try and find a replacement. Not again.

Patrick assured her that she would feel better without the pressure to ‘do it all.’ On one hand, she thought that maybe Patrick was right. She did feel a ton of pressure. She couldn’t cope at work and she was hardly coping at home. Also, by this time several of her friends had also become mothers. They’d chosen to stay home and seemed quite happy with their choices, assuring Addison they wouldn’t have it any other way. So, she gave her notice and tried not to look back. She was afraid that if she did, she couldn"t stomach the reflection staring back at her.

* * *

Once Addison quit her job, she threw herself in to motherhood. She was consumed by it, and she found that Patrick was happier. Connor seemed to be coming around as well, finally turning in to a chubby little thing that cooed and even smiled on occasion. While he cried less, he still cried a lot. There were days when she found herself laying Connor in his crib during one of his screaming fits and walking outside. She’d sit on the front porch for so long that sometimes she couldn’t be sure how long she had stayed out there. It could have been minutes or it could have been hours. Time seemed inconsequential. The days dragged on, bled from one to another, all of them exactly like the one before. Minutes gave way to hours and the hours into days and entire months flew by before Addison could question where they’d gone. Mostly, she spent her time wondering how she could fail at something that was supposed to be innate. Who failed at motherhood, anyway? Why couldn’t she love being a mother the way her friends did? Still, she said nothing. Not to them, and not to Patrick. She endured and smiled through her unhappiness, all the while, somewhere deep down, she could feel something stirring. And that something was a promise. Albeit a small one at first, she promised that she’d never let herself become this invisible again.