Whispers Under the Christmas Sky

It's funny how quickly you forget the way someone’s voice sounds when they’re angry with you. Not in the dramatic way, where they’re screaming, but the quite kind of anger that builds inside the two of you like a slowly spreading stain. The kind that turns to ice before you even begin to notice it and the kind that turns you into a person you don’t want to be and neither of you know how to deal with it. I don’t remember what happened. I don’t remember the fight, but I can still remember vivdly how painful it hurt. Even after all this time had passed, the burns in my heart never made a departure. If I had known then, when we were kissing that it would be our last kiss, I guess I would’ve been more into it. If I had known that it would be the last time I had Ethan’s warm arms wrapped around my waist, the way he knows well just how much I love, I wouldn't have let go as soon from his embrace. I would have stayed buried into his chest for a couple more minutes, kissed him more deeply. And all of a sudden, all the pain and faint anger that we both kept hidden decided to surface. I had forgotten Ethan’s voice, his heat, his touch. But his face from that night never escaped my memory. The night I left Wintervale. Wintervale isn’t exactly the place you run away to for your dreams, unless of course you’re aiming for a calm, simple life owning a bakery of freshly baked goodies or running the town’s community center. But I yearned for more. Wintervale is the sort of town that gets by on snowstorms and people who are just a little too stubborn to leave. Happy folk that found peace within themselves and within the town’s busy streets. And no one can truly deny how beautiful it is, especially when fully dressed in its holiday attire each year. It is the kind of town, where if you lived there long enough, you’ll end up with the same friends, the same habits, the same places to go when you need a break, and you eventually end up loving the routine because it's simply - what everyone does. You love it because you know it so well. It feels safe. Stable. And if you’re lucky enough to have your heartbroken there, it has a way of staying broken for a very long time. I had decided to leave Wintervale that night. My soul shattered and the pain too unbearable for me to stay. How was I going to let go of Ethan if I saw him every day? I couldn’t bear the idea of seeing him with someone else and I know well in my mind that it was officially over between us. I haven’t stopped thinking about him during my 10 years of staying in Chicago. His memory itched at the very back of my mind. With every new man I meet, with every failed encounter, his face flashes in my mind like a distant signal. I can’t say that I’m still in love with him, but I know too well just how angry I am with him. At the time, I didn’t realize much about the hedgehog growing between us, each dismissing its spikes silently. Maybe I should have. Maybe I should have seen the signs- the way we stopped laughing together as usual, the way time felt heavy and slow between us, how the excitement about meeting one another was slowly fading. I didn’t know what was going wrong. But maybe that’s just how it is right? You’re both drifting, both pretending its fine, until one of you finally let go. But Ethan didn’t say anything. He didn’t reply or try to stop the breakup. He didn’t ask why, he simple stayed silent and I took it as my cue to pick up what was left of my heart and leave. The worst part, I thought it was my fault. I blamed myself, thinking that maybe I was too haste. Maybe I should’ve given him another chance, maybe I shouldn’t have blurted out “I’m done” this soon. But then I reminded myself of his painful silence. His neglection. Acting like I never mattered. And I reminded myself of just how much he hurt me, forcing me to blurt it out. It was December again, and the whole world was echoing with Christmas jingles. The air smelled like the Christmas cookies I grew up to, the same kind my grandmother used to bake- sugary, and sweet with a hint of cinnamon and home-made butter. You could almost taste it in the wind, as though the town was holding its breath for the holiday season to start just as soon as I arrive. My heart felt silent as the car drove along the streets of Wintervale and my stomach flipped with excitement at the distant childhood memories the streets brought me. I didn’t notice just how much I have missed this place until now, all the memories I took with me were the hurt and it clouded just much I loved this town. How its people made me feel, how the clear air vibrated gracefully through my lungs and just how much love and laughter I felt here. I sighed in content. Thankful for the nostalgic feelings dancing inside of me in happiness. I thought my heart would feel heavy but it didn’t. Wintervale’s magic brought me peace. “We’re 10 minutes away from the hotel, Claire.” Lila, my assistant and right hand man broke the silence. “No, I want to stop at the community center first, I need to meet Mayor Gladys.” I could see Lila and Dennis, my chauffer share a glance at one another. “We still have time before the meeting Claire, we should go rest first.” Lila protested but I didn’t pay her attention. My decision was final. She sighed and Dennis silently made his way to the community center. As always, during the holiday season, the community center buzzed with life, a symphony of laughter, hammers, and holiday music wafting from an old stereo in the corner. The team that I had sent a week earlier were already running around with their specific tasks. Each one fully trained on their respective roles. The smell of paint mixed with a faint smell of pine filled my nostrils as I stepped through the door. It had been years since I stepped foot here, yet the air was thick with familiarity. I paused at the entrance, adjusting my coat and scarf as the December air swirled in behind me. Before I could gather my thoughts, a familiar figure approached – the woman I was coming to see. Mayor Gladys stepped closer with a smile that crinkled in the corners of her eye. If it wasn’t for that smile, I wouldn’t have noticed her from the now, fully greying hair and the abstract aging lines that were drawn across her face. “Claire Winters!” She squealed as she enveloped me in a tight hug, her voice booming over the activity. I found myself smiling widely, melting into the much-needed hug as though seeing a long lost relative. “I can’t believe it. After all these years Claire, you’re finally back to Wintervale! I’ve missed you kiddo.” She ruffled my hair. I smiled widely. “I’ve missed you too Mayor Gladys. God, I’ve missed this whole place.” I breathed the truth. “I can’t thank you enough Claire for accepting this project last minute. You truly saved us!” Mayor Gladys beamed and my stomach churned as I looked at a smug Lila. The truth was, Lila was the one who accepted this project on my behalf behind my back. “Claire, this would be perfect believe me! A high-profile event in your hometown? It’s a PR dream. Plus, you can spend the holidays there and finally see your family again!” I was furious at first, a big part of me refusing the chance to ever see Ethan again. But here we are. “I’m just glad I could help,” I replied, “ I know how important the gala is for Wintervale.” “It’s not just me who’s glad, everyone here is thrilled. You’ve always had a special touch to you, Claire, even back when you were organizing the school dances.” My heart pinched from the memory but I fought to shrug it out of my mind. “Now let me look at you.” Mayor Gladys took a step back, her eyes taking my full form in. “You look more of a mature woman now. More polished. Looks like the city life suits you well.” I laughed. “I guess it does. It’s been good to me.” “Well, I can see that.” She winked at me. Her eyes followed her hands that raised mine as she checked for any rings and I slowly retracted my hands from her grasp as our eyes made contact again. “The right time didn’t come yet.” I offered a calm smile. “As long as you’re doing fine my dear. Come on, let me show our progress so far.” Mayor Gladys, Lila, and I weaved our way to the back office, our heels against the polished hardwood floor. As we approached the hallway that led to the office, I felt my steps falter and my eyes, almost on their own accord, were drawn to the far corner of the room. There he was. Standing with authority. And my heart fumbled.