The Tears of Faith (Tagalog/Filipino)

Chapter 2 │ CONFRONTATION

EVERYBODY calls him Xander. But I liked calling him Alex. He didn't like it at first but when we got married, he confessed it was his favorite name, at ako lang daw ang may permiso na tawagin siya sa pangalang iyon.

But seeing how his body tensed when I said his name, I don't know if he still does. Or maybe he just didn’t like what he heard.

"You're staying," he drawled as he turned slowly. So slow it made me hold my breath in suspense. "After all these years..." Naningkit ang mga mata niya sa akin. “Why? Did you run out of money? Nagsawa ka na ba sa pagiging buhay-dalaga mo kaya ngayon gusto mo nang bumalik at umuwi rito na parang walang nangyari?” He smirked. “You really like rubbing it in my nose, don’t you?”

Alex wasn’t capable of hurting me physically in the past. But right now, his tongue was like a sword with sharp edges it’s making me bleed inside. I couldn't believe he’s accusing me unfairly! Pero inisip ko pa ring galit siya kaya niya nasasabi ang mga iyon ngayon. At dapat lang iyon pagkatapos ng ginawa ko sa kanya.

“Alex, hindi ako umalis para gawin iyang binibintang mo. I…”

He slashed his hand in to the empty space to shut me up. And I did. "Don't start explaining now. You're three years too late to make me listen to your crap of an excuse," he gnarled, his face taut and stark.

I felt my throat constrict with tears but I swallowed them down. I needed to make him listen to me. “Alex, just listen to me, please! I’m sorry I left. I’m so sorry! I had no other choice. Pero mali ang iniisip mo. I—”

“Enough!" he shouted and I felt it right on my face. Napahakbang ako palayo sa gulat.

He never shouted, not in front of me. Never on me. He’s always calm. Even when he's faced with his business associates, he always had his emotions locked up.

But as I stared wide-eyed at his furious face, I knew I had him at his breaking point. I never thought he’d one day lose his temper. And I made him do it. I turned him into this angry, raging man.

Naramdaman ko ang paggapang ng takot sa dibdib ko. Alam ko kung ano ang daratnan ko oras na bumalik ako rito. I'll be facing their anger. But I never lose hope. I thought I could make him listen. I thought I could talk to him... Who was I kidding?

I’ve waited in struggle to finally see him again and I never expected, not even in my wildest, hopeful imagination, that Alex would be pleased and ecstatic to see me again. Even if I fooled myself into believing that he will at least feel relieved to see me, I knew he wouldn't be glad to have me back again.

Maiintindihan kaya niya kapag sinabi ko sa kanya ang totoo? Would he even believe me?

As I looked into his eyes, I only saw his rage. No is the answer to that question

Sinubukan kong tingnan siya sa mata. I wanted to show him I wasn't afraid of him, even if the truth was my knees were shaking. I couldn't let him scare me away. "Alex, ako ang asawa mo. Huwag mo sana akong pag-isipan nang masama nang dahil lang sa may nagawa akong isang kasalanan sayo. Kung gusto mo, sasabihin ko sayo ang lahat, ang totoong dahilan kaya kita iniwan, kaya ako umalis noon para maintindihan mo―”

He suddenly closed our distance and grabbed both my arms and I winced as his grip tightened. “Gusto mong maintindihan ko? Ang alin, Faith?!" His eyes narrowed into tiny slits and his voice was full of scorn. "Don't you dare try to make up some lame excuses for what you did, Faith. I know what happened that night. Alam ko kong ano ang ginawa mo. Malinaw na malinaw pa sa isipan ko iyon. You left me without a word, remember? Not one word, Faith. Did I deserve that from you?" Every syllable of his every word was like a poisoned-tip arrows piercing my heart. Dumaan sa isipan ko ang gabing iyon... kung ano ang ginawa ko. Kung ano ang iniwan ko.

"How dare you say you're my wife when you already gave up that right the moment you set foot outside this house? Now you're coming back after three goddamn years and try to make me understand what you did to me? Do me a favor, would you? Go back to where you were hiding. I don't need you here anymore," he gritted those words and they completely numbed me.

I couldn't trust myself to speak. His words... they were so painful they robbed me off my explanation. He’s right for so many things. But he’s wrong for one thing―one single thing he could not understand...might never understand.

Yes, I left him, and everything else I had and loved. I left because I had to leave. I had to sacrifice everything for the sake of not hurting them. I left not for me but for him. I left because I couldn't let him suffer for me...

I left because I want him to be happy.

So even if I had to give up being his wife, if that will keep me from hurting him, then I was willing to do that over and over again.

I looked away from his incensed eyes. Kung ganito lang din ang iniisip niya tungkol sa akin, hindi ko pa siguro puwedeng sabihin sa kanya ang lahat. Because he will never believe me.

Paano ko sasabihin sa kanya kung kahit siya ay hindi ako mapatawad? Even I took time before I accepted the truth and it was long before I forgave myself for what I did. He needed time as well... A lot of time.

That’s why I won't leave him alone even if he begged me for it. Not yet.

Naramdaman kong unti-unting nawawala ang inipon kong lakas. I could feel my body was on the verge of breaking down. This fight was leaving me tired and hopeless. But I have to keep myself strong. I couldn't let him see my weakness. He would just use it against me.

Ginamit ko ang natitira lakas ko para umalis sa pagkakahawak niya sa braso ko. Humakbang ako paatras nang pakawalan niya ako at tuluyang lumayo habang hawak-hawak ko ang mga braso kong nasaktan. Alam kong magkakapasa iyon, but that’s the least of my problem right now.

He watched me with those icy cold eyes and I thought, was this the same man I married all those years ago?

Yes. Somewhere deep down, I know he’s still there. I just have to wait for him to come back.

I turned away to gather myself and stay firm and pretend unaffected. I have to disguise my pain and tell him without fainting beneath his feet that I'm staying even if he pushed me out.

When I felt ready enough to talk again, I turned around and faced him, eyes flashing. He looked surprised for a moment before his resolve hardened again. Maybe he thought I'd give up so easily. He really had no idea what it’s costing me to stand here and tell these to him.

I hitched up my chin and squared my shoulders. “I know I should've said something before. Alam kong nasakatan kita nang umalis ako ng wala man lang ni isang salita. Walang paliwanag. But you have to believe me, Alex. I had my reasons….” at hindi mo gustong malaman iyon ngayon. “But that's not the point of all this. I am home. I came back. I don't care if you hate me right now but this is still my house, this was my home. And I will stay as long as I want with or without your permission.” With a final glace at his stony masked face, I walked away.

Hindi ko alam kung saan ako dinadala ng mga paa ko, but I just found myself walking to a familiar room. When I finally closed the door shut behind me, I finally let myself go. My legs gave up and crumpled as I slid to the ground completely.

Even though I felt safe here behind the closed door, far away from Alex, I could still see the look on his face. His wrath, his savage anger, the deep hatred...

I knew it would be hard for him to forgive me. Hindi pa nawawala ang galit niya sa akin at sa ginawa ko noon. It wasn't enough that I came back.

I held a fist to my chest, as if that would soothe the pain inside me and I stayed like that for a long while, sitting against the door with my legs tucked under me, a hand on my chest with wet tears on my face.

I thought I wouldn't be able to shed another tear if I come back. But I was completely wrong. Alex would always be the reason for these tears.

* * * * *

LUMIPAS ang ilang oras bago ako umalis sa kinasasadlakan ko.

I got up and decided to make myself a bit presentable. I walked inside the bathroom and washed my face. Looking at myself in the mirror, I realized I looked paler than usual, the tip of my nose was pink, and my eye rims were puffy from crying.

I couldn't let Alex see me like this. If he would, he’d only think it’s for a pity show so he could forgive me. Well, that’s if he would still forgive me. Sa hitsura niya kanina, sa reaksyon niya nang makita ako pagkatapos ng ilang taong pagkawala ko... it wasn’t pity in his eyes.

My hair looked worst. It lost its vibrancy because of... I shrugged away those painful memories and focused on the mirror. Thank God it grew more before I came back. Umabot na iyon hanggang balikat ko. Dati-rati, hanggang beywang ko lang ang haba niya.

Alex used to love my hair. He didn't want me to cut it, kaya hinayaan kong humaba iyon. Napansin kaya niya ang pagbabago sa buhok ko?

I lost so much weight, too. Napapangiwi na lang ako sa sobrang laki ng pinayat ko. My collar bones were so stark and my wrists were so thin. Bigla ay naalala ko ang nangyari kanina. Alex carried me up here when I fainted. He must have since were alone together.

Napansin kaya niya ang nawalang timbang ko? Well, if he did, he didn't seem to mind, though.

I stared back at my reflection. She looked lost... hopeless...

Napaisip ulit ako kung ano ba ang pumasok sa isip ko at bumalik pa ako rito? I could have vanished without a trace. I shouldn't have come back. This would only complicate things. Alex looked unhappy when he saw me and he obviously didn't want anything to do with me. Mas gusto niyang umalis na lang ako at huwag nang magpakita.

Pero naalala ko ang sinabi Jed. "...You need a peace of mind, Faith. Para iyon sa sarili mo..."

He’s right. Kaya ako nandito ngayon dahil para na rin sa ikakatahimik ng kalooban ko. There’s no time left.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw my bag at the foot of the bed. Siguro’y dinala iyon ni Alex kanina.

Pagkatapos magpunas ng mukha ay lumabas na ako ng banyo. I stood in front of the window and looked outside. I couldn't see anything beyond the darkness.

It would be some time before I wouldn't be able to see these things at all...

Inalis ko sa isipan ko iyon at inabala ko na lang ang sarili ko sa pag-impake ng mga gamit ko. I didn't bring much things with me. Kaunting damit, personal items, at kaunting pera lang ang dala ko, and of course this—a brown envelope hidden inside my bag.

It’s the annulment papers I received from my lawyer three days I go before I turned up here.

Matagal na palang nasa lawyer ko since that fateful night. Ang sabi ni Mrs. Trinidad, kinontact siya ng lawyer ni Alex one year after I left. It was a pending case since I wasn’t present to sign the legal documents two years ago. Dalawang taon nang naghihintay ang kampo ni Alex tungkol sa annulment na 'to.

Somewhere far away, I heard voices... arguing... a man and a woman. Again, the same pain lanced through me as I remembered those conversation.

Hindi pa man ako nakakaapak sa opisina ni Attorney, inasahan ko nang ibibigay niya sa akin 'to. But now that I’m back, itutuloy pa rin ba ni Alex ang gusto niya? Did Alex find someone else already to replace me?

I felt my chest tightened. What if I didn't leave then? Would he still accuse me of being unfaithful to him?

If I had to redo the past then that would mean... I shook my head and deflected away from that thought. I should stop thinking about the future. Isang araw, nanaisin ni Alex na magsimula ulit. He deserves to find someone again and when that time comes, I wouldn't be here anymore.

Alex would have to marry soon, and I wouldn't be his bride. Dapat na akong masanay sa pakiramdam na ito at sa posibilidad na iyon.

Mabilis kong itinago ang hawak kong papel nang marinig kong bumukas ang pintuan.

Alex.

Seeing his harsh face again and the way his eyes flashed with something like disgust made the room suddenly feel suffocating. Hindi ko inasahang aakyat pa siya rito. I didn't even realize I didn't lock the door.

“I have somewhere to be. Sasabihin ko lang sayo na bukas ang pintuan kung gusto mong umalis. For now, I'll let you sleep here tonight. But I'm expecting you gone tomorrow.”

Pinigilan kong huwag mapahawak sa sintido ko nang sumakit iyon. “Alex. I told you, I'm not going anywhere. I’m staying as long as I want.”

His mouth tightened into displeasure. Yes, he wasn’t liking my presence so far. But he would have to deal with it from now on because I don't have any plan to go anywhere. “Don’t try my patience. Binibigyan lang kita ng pahintulot na gawin ang gusto mo. And this is not a request or a favor. It’s an order. Doon ka naman magaling hindi ba? Sa pag-alis. So, by all means, you’re free to go and leave.”

And don't come back ever again...

Those unspoken words hung heavy in the air.

“Alex―” He started to leave when I called out for his name but his cold gaze was enough to stop me from speaking.

“Stop calling me that name!” he said harshly. “And remember this, Faith; you left and ran away. You deserted me and it only means that your life as my wife was long over. So, it's up to you if you want to make this harder for the both of us." Then he left.

When I heard the door closed shut... my heart fell apart.