Shepard

19 - Losing my father

Shepard

It’s been a hard couple of months. Hellish, even. My father died—of a heart attack. I didn’t even see it coming.

We were all over his place for Sunday lunch. Mom had cooked and wanted Lynette and me to go over there with the kids. That included Willow, Jett, Tank, and Hammer. She’s got a soft spot for the two of them, especially since they have no other family.

Max and VJ were in the garden with Mom, Lynette, and Willow. The rest of us were inside drinking beer and talking about football—something we never really did much of before.

Apollo kept rubbing the top of his arm, looking at me the whole time. I knew something was wrong the second he told me to take care of my mother, to ensure she was safe, and not to stand in her way if she ever found love again.

I narrowed my eyes at him. For a second there, I thought he was trying to tell me my mother had been cheating on him. It didn’t make any sense to me because he’s always been the love of her life.

But when Dad reached for me, my hand in his as he tugged me towards him where he sat on his oversized couch, I knew, fuc.k, I just knew!

I sat beside him, and he grabbed me, hugged me so damn hard, and told me how proud of me he was, how much he loved me, and that I was his pride and joy. Then he died right there in my arms. I couldn’t stop shaking him and begging him to wake up.

It wasn’t until Jett grabbed my shoulder and squeezed that I realized it was too late.

My mom came running in, screaming his name. I’ll never forget it. ‘Lenny!’ She cried as she dropped to her knees beside him, pulling him away from me and into her arms. ‘Lenny, don’t leave me! Please,’ She kissed his head over and over again while rocking him back and forth. ‘I love you so much. Oh, Lenny!’

I’ll never fuckin’ forget that awful moment for as long as I live. I’ll always remember how Lynette and Willow leaned down and kissed his head, sobbing their eyes out and telling him they loved him. I’ll never forget how Jett did the same before leaving the room, a sobbing Max in Jett’s arms.

But do you know what will stay in my mind and never leave it?

They say things like this fade in your mind with time. You’ll never forget, but it’ll get easier.

But what won’t is the way VJ reacted.

I noticed him out of the corner of my eye. I thought he’d gone with Jett. Maybe he had and snuck back into the room.

Dad was laid out on the couch while we waited for the authorities to come to take his body away. Willow had left the room to find comfort with her brother and friends, and she was more than likely taking care of Max. Lynette sat with my mother at the open kitchen dining table, and I sat on the chair near the couch.

I watched my five-year-old son walk towards his once-mighty grandfather, his head cocke.d to the side. He reached out his hand and touched Apollo’s face.

‘Hmm.’ He hummed to himself thoughtfully. ‘Guess you died, Pops.’ I narrowed my eyes. ‘Shame, I really liked you.’ Then he walked out of the room without another word.

There had been no emotion in what he said, complete detachment. It wasn’t normal behavior for anyone, let alone a five-year-old. I pointed it out to Lynette, but she told me VJ was more than likely in shock. He’s just five years old, and he watched his grandfather die.

I left it at that because I think we were all in shock, but deep down, I knew something about my boy wasn’t right. Maybe he’ll grow out of it as he gets older, but somehow, I don’t think he will.

I was voted in as President the day after Apollo passed, and Jett was voted VP, just as I knew he would be. Hammer is already the Sergeant-At-Arms and was the first to vote my boy VP. He’s the youngest VP we’ve ever had. Plenty of the brothers could have taken that spot. Not one of them voted against it.

I was raised to know I’d one day be President of the Snakes, President of the whole damn mother charter, but I wasn’t ready for it yet. I wasn’t prepared to lose my dad.

My mother has all but crumbled. I tried to move Mom in with me for a while. But she refused to leave the house she shared with my dad on and off for forty-five years. That’s not to say I haven’t checked on her every day since he passed, and I’ll keep checking on her. She’s my mother and means the world to me.

Apollo’s funeral was a huge affair. He was the damn President of the mother charter; for Christ’s sake, every biker attended, no matter what chapter he belonged to. Everyone paid their respects to a man much loved by all.

Weird, isn’t it that I should say that about Apollo when he was a dangerous, evil old bastard most of the time. But he made damn sure this club and every club belonging to it kept to his law. The law of not only putting the fear of God into any fucke.r who tried to take over our territory, fuc.k with our livelihood, but the act of treating your wife as the most precious thing in the world to you.

Your kids?

The jewel in your crown. Raise ’em right, and you’ll raise kings and queens of the fuckin’ world. Ain’t nobody gonna mess with your son once he shows the damn world who he is—a Snakes Henchmen through and through. Ain’t no one brave enough to mess with your daughter for fear of never seeing the light of day again for so much as looking at her the wrong way.

That’s not to say we’re raisin’ our daughters to be weak. Each little girl knows she’s just as strong as the men if she puts her mind to it.

My dad was all about the family, if nothing else. He was a criminal, a murderer, a gun runner, the worst kind of bastard. But he was my dad, and I loved him. I miss him and find myself holding my young sons just that bit longer before they go to bed each night. I watch them sleeping, playing, eating, laughing, and even talking to their mother, and I know one day they’re going to feel this pain, the same pain I feel right now, the pain of losing their father.