Shepard

21 - Feeling out of sorts

****Trigger Warning: Talk of miscarriage****

Lynette

“Mamma? You have been sick.”

That’s twice Max has seen me throw up today. I’m starting to think I have food poisoning. I’ve got a fever, and I’m shaking all over. I think I may have gotten sick at the club party the other night. I had a lot to drink, and I’ve been feeling off ever since.

I’ve managed to keep going over the following days, but I have to admit, I’m struggling a little. All I want to do is sleep. But I can’t do that with two little boys to take care of. Plus, I have Willow’s high school graduation today. I wouldn’t miss that for anything.

I’m just hoping Shepard and his boys don’t turn up looking like thugs. They all love Willow and want to be there for her big day, but I hope they don’t stand out like a sore thumb. If they’ve listened to me, they’ll be in suits. Okay, they’ll never look like businessmen, but at least they won’t look like biker criminals.

“I’m okay, Maxy. You look so handsome, little man.” He really does in that little suit and tie. I want the boys to look good for their big sister.

Max giggles when I kiss his little head and clutches his teddy bear harder. He never lets that thing out of his sight. Meanwhile, VJ seems more grown-up, wanting to be like his father, and doesn’t want to cuddle with Mommy for long. Max is still very much a little boy in every way. I love that he is. Max will sit on the couch with me, cuddling while watching Disney. He’ll still crawl into bed with me just because he needs his mommy.

When VJ crawls into my bed, which isn’t often these days, it’s to cuddle with his dad. I’m not petty, don’t get me wrong, but I miss those moments when VJ needed his mommy the most.

Sounds stupid, right?

I guess I hate that he’s growing up so quickly.

Watching my daughter standing on that stage as she graduates has me in tears. I can’t believe how quickly she’s grown. Eighteen years old, graduating, and starting college to become a teacher. I am so proud of her.

As soon as the speeches are over, Willow runs over to me, wrapping her arms around my neck and laughing excitedly. She looks beautiful in her tight white dress under her gown. Shepard wasn’t too pleased to see Willow dressed this way; he said she would draw the eye of every man here. He was right. But I won’t let even him dictate what she wears. My daughter is beyond beautiful and not stupid; I’ve raised her to respect herself and her body. I want her to let her beauty shine and never be ashamed of it.

Willow is curvy in all the right places, stunningly beautiful, and yes, I am biased, but it’s the truth. I want her to know she has the right to be proud of her femininity. She’s an intelligent girl who won’t just jump into bed with any man who smiles at her.

“I’m so proud of you,” I whisper in her ear, hoping she feels the conviction of my words.

I’m fortunate where my daughter is concerned. I’ve raised her to value herself. To never let a man get away with hurting her, but not to be ashamed if he does, to always come to us if she needs us, and to be headstrong.

Willow is everything I could ever have wished for in a daughter. I only hope I can be so lucky with my boys. But looking at Jett and how he is with Max and VJ, I know I have nothing to worry about. Shepard and Jett will teach my little boys to be men, and I’ll show them how to treat women respectfully. Because if they ever physically hurt a woman, I’ll make damn sure they don’t get away with it. Sons or not. I will never put up with that kind of thing from my own sons.

Not that I think they’ll ever do such a thing for one second, but you never know. You can bring your son up with the best intentions and teach him right from wrong when it comes to women, but they don’t always follow the path you’ve set them on.

“We’re all proud of you, sweetheart.”

“Thank you, Daddy,”

I watch Willow being pulled around, hugged, and congratulated. She’s full of smiles and happiness. As I watch her waving to me before jumping into her friend’s car, off to party the night away, I pray I never lose her.

“Come on, beautiful, BlackJack’s having a barbecue, and we’re invited.”

The last thing I want right now is to stand around with everyone, drinking and eating. I want to sleep this sickness off. But I don’t say that to Shepard; I lock Max in his car seat while Shepard puts VJ in his. Then I get in the passenger seat and lean back against the headrest.

I must have dozed off; Shepard is shaking me, letting me know we’ve arrived. I haven’t slept long, Taylor only lives fifteen minutes from the school, but my head is banging like crazy.

My husband gets both kids out of the car, and I watch them run inside the house. He then takes my hand and helps me out of the car. Not that I couldn’t do it myself, but he’s behaving like a gentleman.

Shepard yanks on my arm and forcefully pulls me against the side of the house. He pushes me back against the wall, his eyes dark and searching.

“What are you doing?” I’m not in the mood for this; I just want to get inside to my sons and make sure they’re not wreaking havoc.

They’re young boys; don’t they all do that?

VJ certainly does.

“What’s wrong with you? You’ve been off all day.”

Damn. I thought I’d masked it quite well. I should’ve known I’d never be able to fool Shepard.

“Just not feeling so great today.”

“Are you sick?” His hand comes to my face, and I smile.

I hold his hand to my face and lean into his touch. “I haven’t been feeling too good for a couple of days. It’s nothing serious, but I have a horrible headache today.”

“I’ll get the boys and take you home.”

“No. There’s no need for you to miss this. The boys will act up if you try to make them leave right now.” They love spending time with everyone, and they hate leaving. “Besides, Coral wants to talk to you.”

“There’s plenty of time for that,” He tucks my hair behind my ear. “I’d rather take you home so you can rest.”

“I’ll rest later. I really am fine.”

I love him for worrying, but it’s annoying me, and it takes me a little longer to convince Shepard that the more he argues with me, the more time he wastes that he could be spending with his buddies.

It’s probably stupid to force myself to stay here and party with everyone when I should sleep this off, but I figure a couple of hours won’t hurt. I don't feel as bad after popping a couple of ibuprofen from my bag. I even help Taylor when she asks me to pop to the store with her for more meat for the barbecue. As I’m all smiles, Shepard seems to believe that I’m okay enough to go.

Not that he could stop me, of course. We don’t have that kind of relationship. I don’t answer to anyone, but I listen to him when he’s concerned about me.

“You do know one of the boys could’ve done this?” I tell Taylor as we load the trunk of her car with beer.

How much beer can twenty-eight men drink?

I know most of the girls drink beer, but most of the guys don’t even have a girl; they have many. Those without old ladies don’t bring their whore.s to family get-togethers.

“They could, but I needed to get out for a bit.”

“What’s wrong?” I narrow my eyes a little.

Have I really been this neglectful of my best friend of late?

I hadn’t noticed how down Taylor looked. Her usually mocha-colored skin is paler than usual. Her dark eyes seem sadder.

“Taylor?” I grab her wrist, stopping her from grabbing another case of beer from the cart.

“Jack and I... I mean me, I. . .” She looks up at me, tears now falling from her eyes. She’s starting to worry me. “I had a miscarriage a couple of weeks ago. I kept it between Jack and me, but I’m struggling. The doctor said I’ll never be able to have another child.”

“Oh, babe,” I grab Taylor and pull her into me. I rub her back as she sobs against my shoulder.

How the hell did I not know about this?

I should’ve been there for Taylor the way she’s always been for me!

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“It happened so fast, Lyn. We were going to tell people about the baby when I got past the twelve-week mark. I didn’t make it past ten.” She wipes her eyes roughly. “There were complications, too much scar tissue left behind. I’m so frustrated with myself, Lyn.”

I rub Taylor’s arm, not knowing what to say. I’ve never lost a baby, and I can’t even begin to imagine what that feels like. She’s wanted another baby since Dominic was small.

“Jack hasn’t spoken to me about what happened. He acts like nothing at all happened. He blames me, and I can’t take it.” She sobs so hard against me, and I’m going to kill BlackJack.

How could he make Taylor feel like this was her fault?

I drive us back to Taylor’s place, she’s too upset, and I don’t fancy getting in a car wreck right now. She manages to pull herself together before we get there. A couple of the guys come out and unload the car while I grab BlackJack and drag him into a quiet room.

I slam the door behind me and fold my arms across my chest in anger.

“Wanna tell me why you’re looking at me like you want to kill me?”

BlackJack is no small man. In fact, he’s fuckin.g huge in every way. But even big bad bikers hurt sometimes, and BlackJack is hurting bad; I see it in his eyes.

“Taylor told me about what happened.” He says nothing, just looks at me curiously. “Why are you blaming her? Do you have any idea how much she already blames herself for something she had no control over?”

“I do not blame her!”

“Really? Then why in the hell does she think that you do? She broke down to me, Jack. Taylor feels like she failed you, that you can’t bear to be near her, and right now, she needs you as much as you need her.”

He says nothing to me; he just walks right past me and out the door.

I sigh to myself while rubbing my temples, hoping to relieve the pressure behind my eyes. But there’s no chance of that when my husband is yelling like it’s an Olympic sport. Suppose I best see what the hell is going on now.

Will this day never end?