Out of time

Loose ends

I opened my door to my find my older brother Richard stood there with my niece Sarah,

‘Auntie Maggie’ she screamed out delighted as she jumped into my arms nearly knocking me backwards.

‘Well hello to you too Miss Sarah’ I smiled back at her. I looked between the faces of my adorable five year old niece and that of my brothers, almost mirror images of one another, Same brown piercing eyes that felt as though they could see into your soul, same slightly turned up nose both covered with freckles over the bridge and the same full rosebud coloured lips, they even had the same slightly slanting hair line holding a mess of thick brown curly locks. Even though the two looked so alike they couldn’t have been wearing more different expressions upon their faces if they tried. Richard wasn’t wearing his normal carefree face that I loved about him so much, no this was the face of my concerned older brother that I had been avoiding since he picked me up from the hospital nearly two weeks ago – guess my game of hide and seek was up. I looked at him and smiled sheepishly,

‘Richard’ I greeted still holding on to my beaming niece who now had me trapped in a bear hug. He raised an eyebrow at me,

‘Mags nowhere to hide this time going to let me.....’ he paused as he walked through the door straight past me and into the empty barely furnished apartment – busted! He turned back to look at me, fear in those ever piercing eyes as he searched my face for some clue as to what was going on.

‘Are you going somewhere?’ I felt my heart swell; I had never been closer to any sibling in any life time than what I had to Richard, with only ten months between us we had grown up inseparable. James is my soul mate but Richard, he is my rock, in this moment I had never wished more to stall the curse from completing its cycle.  I shifted Sarah’s weight so that she was positioned on my hip and placed my head on his shoulder,

‘not exactly...’ I replied to his question not entirely sure how to finish.

‘Then what’s all...?’

‘Not important right now Rich, fancy a cup of coffee? And I think I have some leftover apple juice and cookies if someone can help me finish them?’

‘OOOO me, me Auntie Maggie’ Sarah finally loosened her grip to look up at me. She started wiggling, I placed her on the floor and off she ran to the kitchen in search of the cookies and juice. I turned to face Richard,

‘One sugar right?’ I smiled as I backed into the kitchen. Richard sighed shaking his head, he followed and watched as I retrieved the only two mugs I had left from the cupboard and passed an increasingly annoyed Sarah the cookies from the cupboard she was struggling to reach.

‘Don’t think I don’t know what you’re doing Mags’

‘and what would that be Rich?’ I hummed innocently making my way around the kitchen finishing off our coffees,

‘You think if you keep changing the subject that I will just give up and drop it.’

‘I have no idea what you are talking about’ I replied stubbornly passing him his coffee and walking into the living room.

‘Hmmm course you don’t’ he said disapprovingly taking a sip of his coffee

‘and where do you suppose we all sit?’ the mocking tone evident in his voice.

‘Well you can sit on the chair and as for me I fancy sitting on the floor and colouring with my favorite niece’ I directed the last part towards the kitchen just in time to see Sarah emerge carrying a cartoon of juice and five cookies.

‘I’m your only niece’ she said more to the cookies than to me.

‘What does that have to do with anything’ I laughed in response,

‘you stay right here and I will go get you the present I’ve got hidden in my bed room.’ With that she plonked herself on the floor and waited patiently for me to return. Once in my room I retrieved the present I had wrapped for her along with a note, I had intended for them to make their way to her once I had met my end but it won’t do any harm to give them to her a little early, that way at least I get to see the look on her face when she opens them.

I made my way back to the living room to find Sarah had demolished two more cookies in my absence,

‘I thought we were going to share’ I joked knowing full well there was little chance of us actually sharing.

‘When she’s got tummy ache later, I’ll make sure Andrea knows who to blame’ Rich said mockingly,

‘Oh you know your wife loves me, even more than she loves you’ I teased back and stuck my tongue out, a gesture which he returned, I laughed relieved that for a moment the light hearted brother I so adored had returned to my life for whatever time I had left.

I passed Sarah her present; she muttered her thanks as she ripped excitedly into the paper. Inside she found a hallmarked silver antique picture frame which held a picture of me and her inside from her birthday a few months ago. She smiled stroking her fingers over the silver twisted flowers that ran along the frame,

‘Do you like it precious girl?’ I said as I bent down and kissed her head,

‘Mags that must have cost you a fortune’ Rich protested

‘So?’ I interrupted before he ruined the moment

‘Go on gorgeous there’s something else’ she continued to pull away the paper and found a colouring book and pencils,

‘Colours!’ she beamed excitedly ‘Auntie Maggie, will you colour with me pleaseee?’ She said in her most innocent voice – now how can I say no to that?

‘Of course princess’ I welled up slightly looking at her, realizing this was probably the last time I would ever get to see her, I noticed Richard staring at me and quickly pushed the emotions back down before I made him more suspicious.

‘Auntie Maggie what’s this?’ Sarah said holding up the goodbye letter I had written to her,

‘it’s something for later, ok darling?’ she nodded putting it back down, then picking up the colouring book she started flipping through to see which picture she would like to do first.

I had been led on the floor with Sarah for a good twenty minutes when I noticed Richard just sat there, holding his empty cup, looking at me, a thousand questions showing on his face, I sighed looking down at the zoo landscape I was currently helping to colour in.

‘Just say it Rich’

‘What? Maggie’

‘Whatever question is lingering on your face’ he stayed quiet for a moment clearly thinking about what way was best to go about what he wanted to say.

‘Two weeks ago I picked you up from the hospital, you were .... you were..... well for lack of better words a mess, barely speaking, even to me’

‘Yeeeah’ I answered wondering where he was going with this,

‘Then you ignore me and duck my calls without so much of an explanation’ I felt a twinge of guilt.

‘Rich I’m sorry...’

‘Then when I can’t get you on the phone and I’ve finally had enough of giving you space like Andrea said I should and make my way down to your apartment whether you want me to or not, the bloody place is empty like you’re about to skip town. To make matters worse you’re pretending like everything is normal, making cups of coffee and completing colouring books’ I keep my eyes on the zoo landscape not wanting to look at the hurt in his eyes,

‘Richard..’

‘Did I do something wrong, Mags? Is that why you’ve shut me out? I thought we were close, I thought that you always knew that you could tell me anything no matter what it is. That I would love you unconditionally and always be on your side no matter what the problem. You’re my sister Mags, I’ve been so worried about you. Do you not trust me anymore? I just want to help. ’ He hung his head almost in defeat.

Rich and I had always been close, nothing he just said surprised me because it’s exactly what I feel for him too, Our older brother Simon use to get so mad at us - how we would always have each other’s backs and take each other’s side no matter what, eventually he just stopped trying to argue with us knowing he didn’t have much of a chance at winning. Neither of us has ever felt the need to express how much we mean to each other out loud before though – it was never necessary, we just knew. Have I really been that caught up in my own misery that I’ve made him question our relationship? Made him doubt what he means to me? All I wanted to do was protect him and Simon from what was about to come, to somehow make it easier on both of them but was I really just making it worse and pushing him away? Two weeks of: feeling sorry for myself, been hauled up in my apartment, getting rid of my things and day dreaming about the past. All that time I could have been spending with my family. With that  I lost it, I dropped my colouring pencil, tears welling up in my eyes and went to give Richard a hug,

‘I’m so sorry Richard’ I broke down, letting all the bottled up emotions run free and allowing Richard to comfort me like the amazing big brother that he is.

I’m not sure how long we sat there like that me crying, Richard holding me and at some point Sarah joining the hug but once I felt the last bit of bottled up emotion leave my body I looked up at Richard who smiled, wiped my wet face and kissed my forehead and I knew he wouldn’t push me anymore. He had done what he came here to do – make me open up.

Another two cups of coffee later, plenty of laughs, colouring and a sleepy Sarah hanging over Richards’s shoulder they were getting ready to leave.

‘Bye sis’ Richard said in a hushed voice careful not to wake Sarah.

‘Before you go, I’ve got this for you’ I said matching his volume and passing him a note I had been keeping in my pocket.

‘Just promise not to open it until the times right’ I squeezed his hand as he took it from me. He looked at the note then back at me,

‘how will I know when it’s the right time?’

‘Please Rich, you’ll just know’. 

‘Ok Mags I’ll try’ with that I gave him one last hug,

‘Thank you Richard.’ I closed the door behind them and just rested my head on it taking a few minutes to truly appreciate Richard and the roll he has played in this life. I may not have told him everything but he knows what he needs to know for now.