Obsessed with the Ceo

22

In life we get our high times, where we feel like our own role models.  Where we smile at our reflections in the mirror.  Where we feel joy and pride in our hearts.  Where everything is just going good.  And other times we get so low.  Like I am right now.  It feels like my body is a puddle of jelly and my soul is so small in it.  My heart beats but it has already become so a part of life that it doesn’t even matter anymore.  The deep breaths, to ensure that you’re still alive and living just feels like a waste of time and through quivering lips, you know you just have to keep on breathing.  Even if you don’t want to.

“Are you okay, Riley?” Bonnie asks as she watches me through the rearview mirror.  I wipe the tears from my face and just nod, feeling my face heat up uncontrollably.

“You know, you can talk to us.” I can hear Bonnie’s voice quivering in emotion.  She care so much and I can’t even talk to her.  Chase is clenching on his teeth and I can see anger surfing through his face.  

I shift my attention towards the trees we’re passing, their leaves waving at me.  I wonder how it must be like to be a tree.  To be stuck in the ground, unable to do anything but grow.   I wish I was a tree.  It would be so much better than living in the moment of now.

I almost fall asleep in the ride of severe silence.  I prefer the silence and I make sure that Bonne and Chase can see it on my face.

“Do you want to go home first honey?” Bonnie asks after a few more minutes of driving.  

I shake my head, “Doctor please.”

She nods with a smile and right after that she starts to frown.  I can see her deep in thought and I feel bad for keeping them in such an unknown bubble.

We ride past the bar where me and Stephen were a few days ago. I remember feeling so alive that day.  So much better than today.

“How’s Stephen?” I ask.

They both glance at each other and I can place nervousness on Bonnie’s expression but Chase’s is blank.

“It’s going okay, I guess.”

I sigh, “Please give me a real answer.”

“He’s on machine’s.” Chase says in a hard voice.  “The machine’s are keeping him alive.”

I swallow.  He’s fighting for his life, because of me.  I didn’t want him to go into a coma.  If maybe he talked to me about what is going on in the first place, nothing of this would have happened.  I would’ve known.  We could’ve made plans.  I feel like all of this stuff everyone is hiding is such a waste of time.

I’m angry but I feel numb.  I sigh waiting for Bonnie to turn into the hospital gates.

“You want us to come with?”

“No, it might take awhile.” I say.  I’m not going to change my decision.

She stops in front of the hospital doors and turns to look at me.  I give a pursed smile.

“Thanks.”  and I climb out of the car.

I don’t even look back as I walk straight towards the hospital’s glass doors.

“Riley!” Chase calls behind me. I turn to see him marching towards me.  He hands me a folded paper not looking in my eyes.

“Read this, after all this.” he gestures towards the hospital with jerky hands.

I take hold of it.  “What’s this?”

“Just keep it close and read it when you feel lost.” he says as if he knows.  As if he knows my pain and he’s holding it in his eyes as well.  I stare at him.

“Chase?”

“I love you.” he stutters as if he’s holding in a cry.  I jerk my head sideways looking at him as he turns and walks away.  I stand rooted in my spot for several minutes, the sun eating on my skin before I turn towards the door.  I put the paper inside my bra, eagerly wanting to read it but somehow I know I shouldn’t read it right now.

The smell of strong alcohol hits my nose as I enter the hospital.  People are sitting on the chairs, their eyes shifting towards me.  I go to the receptionist trying to ignore the stares.

“Hi.”

“Hi, how can I help you?” It’s a different woman than last time.  She’s young with bleached hair and bright blue eyes.

“I’m here to see Doctor Smith.”

“Did you make an appointment?”

I shake my head.

“Name please.”

“Riley Levington.”

She types on the computer in front of her.  She starts to bite her lips as she looks between me and the computer.

“Please come with me.” She stands from the chair and walks out of the room towards me. I follow her frowning.  Shouldn’t I have waited for all the other people who’s sitting there? After a minute she and doctor Smith are standing before me.

“Hi.”  I say scratching my head.

“Hi Riley.” the doctor says with a concerned look on his face.  The receptionist nods at me and walks away.

“I’m glad that you came.” he starts to walk up the aisle and gestures for me to follow him. We enter a room with a small bed and he closes the door behind us.

“I’ve been doing research on the drugs that you're on.”

He bites his lips and inspect a steel table  scattered with objects and doctor’s instruments.

“It’s not one of your basic drugs and to be quite honest I’ve never seen this before.”

I swallow.  This is super awkward.

“There’s some kind of substance in here that causes memory loss.”

There it is. Memory loss.  It feels too much to take in but somehow deep inside me I knew.  I take a deep breath.

“Given the way you freely came to me, I want to know?  Do you know you’re on drugs?”

I feel ice go through my heart.  I don’t know what to say.  I’m afraid I’ll give up or say something I shouldn’t.  I take deep breaths, look down on the white tiles and up on the wooden ceiling. I clench my teeth trying to wrap my thoughts around what to say.  If I do so, he’ll know that it’s someone who put me on it and I don’t even know who or what is going on.  I just don’t want to make things worse.  So I nod.

“So you know you’re on drugs?”

I nod again.

“Where did you get it?”  he taps his finger on his jaw as if he’s impatiently waiting for answers.

And even though I don’t know I can use this excuse.

“I can’t remember.”

He nods knowingly.

“I know it’s hard.  I know it’s hard to tell me stuff but I can help you.  I’m here to help you.”

He is sincere.  He’s a doctor.  I don’t know how many patients he has helped.  He has cured from sicknesses.  I nod wanting to cry.

“Do you know what has driven you to take these drugs?”

I must make up something before he gets suspicious, because even I’m suspicious.

“Things that I don’t want to remember.”

His eyes land on my wrist and a tear falls from my eye.

“I see.” This time it seems as if he doesn’t know what to say.

I sniff and roll my eyes to escape the teary state.  I feel used.  Again.  Abused.  Again.  I’m on drugs and I don’t even know if I’m the one who started it.

“Do you know when last did you take it?”

“Yesterday.” I think.

“Do you have more with you?”

I shake my head already feeling scared for what’s coming.

“So what I can do is send you to a rehabilitation center but given the drug and,” he raise his eyebrows mid sentence, “I think it’s better if you stay here.”

I’m probably like his guinea pig, because he’s never seen this ‘drug’ before.  I nod.  I also want to know about this drug.

“Can you give me a name for this drug?”

I take a shaky breath and give him the name that I read on the container in the bathroom.  The container that was Lilly's. 

"I'll need to find it, to slowly get you off it.  Cause given I much are in your bloodstream, we'll slowly have to erase it." 

I nod.  Feeling a little bit better that it won't come crashing on me all at once. 

"You'll have a room, you can have anything you want, I just want you to be alone without any technology." 

I nod and take my phone out if my cast.  I try not to look at his confused face as I hand him my phone. 

"And we'll have a little check up on that wrist of yours." 

And with that he walks out and closes the door. I sigh. And go sit on the small bed next to the window.  Sooner or later all this will end and I make a note in my head that I have to stay strong through it all.  I take out the paper Chase gave me, eagerly wanting to see what it is. So I fold it open to see a neat handwriting all across the paper. A letter. I swallow taking my time to start reading. Maybe this paper contains new hope because I don't know why Chase would just write me a letter. Or whoever. I swipe my hand across my face and start to read. 

Dear Riley. 

I don't know where to start. I actually don't know what to say. 

Riley I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for what you have to go through and everything I have put you through. This is all my fault and I feel so angry. I know I made a promise to you I'm going to break it. You broke your promise to me.  

Maybe this is all just part of the plan and you're acting but that's more like hope for me. I know it isn't so. And I hate everyone because of it.  It should've been me.  It feels like I've lost you.  The most important thing in my life.  You. You're my life.  You're my everything and you can't even remember me.   I've been crying, thinking about you.  I've been making plans but nothing adds up.  All I want to do is love you and give you all that you deserve.  But now? You get what you don't deserve.

I just want you to know that I love you.  And I have never loved anyone so much before. I want to say thank you, how you changed in being so much better and so much more. After all this I wanted to ask you to marry me. But… 

I'll fight for you Riley. Even if it has to take my life.  Stay strong. 

Love, Stephen. 

Stephen.  I gasp. He wanted to ask me to marry him. We really were together. I cry. Hating to put him through something like this.  I need to remember. I need to. 

I take deep breaths when a thought hits me like an astronaut hitting the earth. 

What if he was the one who put me on the drugs. 

Why would he be so sorry in the letter. I bite my lip and read the letter again. Even if it doesn't make sense it must have been Stephen.  I knit my eyebrows together and tap my fingers on the bed next to me. 

I'll find out. I know it's somewhere in my mind.