Don't call me cheater

I am in a maze right now. A maze where there is no way out, where there is darkness everywhere and no hope of being normal again. I am Kusum the reason behind my darkness. “Delay, the flight” my heart is praying continuously at the airport. I don’t want to return Nepal or I may say I am not ready to face it yet. It all started when I went to Kosmos University in Kathmandu for my admission in Engineering. From the beginning I wished to be a heart doctor but being raised in a middle-class family I had to compromise. What if I cannot operate humans lets operate machines, that came to my mind. I agreed to join engineering, My favorite subject was biology but I was going to abandon it for physics. From whatever knowledge I had that time in physics made me pass the entrance. It was a huge university the whole hill was covered by it. There were two fountains at the entrance and a big statue of a horse on the way. “Impressive,” my heart was whispering to my mind but my mind was still in denial. Passing through a swimming pool and the path covered with woods we reached the counter office. There was a tall guy in the early twenties, with black hair pushed upward with jell. He was wearing a green jacket and black jeans. I never felt the feeling I got looking at that face white as snow. He was laughing with a girl sitting in a chair. I was involuntarily staring at him while he hadn’t even noticed me there. After a minute he and the girl next to him went outside. I went to the desk near the counter, ‘Which department are you from?’ ‘Applied physics,’ I said looking at him. ‘Another Applied physics,’ he replied. ‘Why ?’ ‘The one who just went outside is also from Applied physics.’ My heart fluttered, one ray of light was seen in my compromise. But who was the girl next to him, a girlfriend, a sister or just a casual friend? I was jealous out of nowhere when he didn’t even look at me. ‘you seem to be the only girl in that department.’ ‘Horror,’ I was looking at my dad. I was extremely introverted. In my whole school and high school life, I never talked to a boy. Yeah, formal hi hello was normal but never talked to them beyond that. I was so stupid that I used to cry when some boys used to mock me adding other boys' names. My best friend Kareem was my whole world however she was the complete opposite of mine. The hi hello I had to do with boys was all because of her. ‘Don’t worry, the first year you will be combined with another department’ The man in the counter must have saw the horror on my face. That wasn’t helping what about after the first year my mind was shouting at me. A part of my mind said to run from there, forget about physics and another was still hoping for latecomers. Just below my form, there was another from my department, maybe of the boy who just left, I hurried for his name, Punkuj poudel. Horror!. The only ray of light that I saw at the beginning again fade away. In Nepal, it is illegal to marry someone with the same last name. Apparently, he was already my brother and I was sure he will immediately call me his sister when he finds out my last name too. After signing all the necessary papers and paying fees we went out of the office. The weather was great but there was lightening and thundering in my face. ‘Don’t worry, it seems like you got a brother in your class’, my dad added ‘Dad you aren’t helping at all. My dad bought a third-hand bike last year, it looked too old but he managed to convince me to learn and get a license with that piece. Where ever we go I was the one to ride due to shame I used to cover my whole face with a helmet. ‘You gonna need this bike more often now to come to college.’ Another horror. ‘Dad I obeyed everything you told me, but I am never gonna come to college with this piece. I will take public vehicle but not this, please dad.’ You may think I am a good daughter to obey everything my parents said but everyone would have done that if they got parents like them. My dad is a government officer, with the salary he gets it is hard to manage the whole family. But he never compromised on me and my sister’s study, he enrolled us in the famous school in our town. But enrolling me in medical school was a huge step for him, even I didn’t want that. After two days I was going to start my journey into the university. My father already paid the bills so there was no going back. The only thing I kept imagining was going to college sitting at one corner the whole day and finally graduate after four years. When we reached home it was already evening. My sister Kaisa was still in school. Although I am four years senior to her people still know me by her name. She is extremely beautiful with curly hair of her and dimple on both sides of her cheek. She is the opposite of me, she loves meeting people in the neighborhood however I rarely go out of my room. She has a sense of fashion however my mom calls me dumb in that area. ‘So you going to college huh,’ Kaisa asked spreading salt in my wounds ‘I think so’ ‘you must be excited, the only girl in the whole class of boys you will get all the attention, I envy you’ ‘Do you even know me?’ ‘don’t worry everything will be all right. Just stop being you try to adore the life you have got a little more’ ‘I don’t want to think any futile things right now, I just need to focus on my studies and finally graduate’ ‘you really are boring’ That wasn’t the first time someone said to me boring I was used to that anyway. The next day as my wardrove lacked clothes my mom and Kaisa took me to the market, they made me try all the kinds of clothes that were there. According to normal Nepalese hight, my hight was over normal so getting the clothes that fit me is hard anyhow we bought 2 pairs of jeans and a top. I never liked shopping at most when I have to go with my mom she makes me roam dozens of shops and try dozens of clothes before buying. When we reached home I was too tired, so slept I without dinner.