EVERY WRONG REASON

“You should stop playing the victim Rylee. Get a grip of yourself!” His words slam through my chest like a sledged hammer. It’s been ages since we last fell into a huge dispute, or when he called my name so blandly with nothing but raw despise. But tonight felt different; like the last fragmented piece holding us together had finally slipped away. Something was broken and its harsh truth lingered throughout the room; Lingered on us. “I’ve been doing that for as long as I can remember! Pretend that we are...” My voice breaks halfway through my words. “Just say it...Broken?” Adrian’s voices out in exasperation while he pinches between his temples. “What’s the point of being stuck up with me then?” I swear I was this close to having a mental breakdown. We’ve been married five years. Five freaking years and who could have imagined the fallout of our blissful union. Only that, I was left to pick up the pieces of my crumbled soul with nothing to hold unto as a souvenir. Our fallout didn’t start when we had minor disagreements, or when we tried so hard for a baby until our bodies actively started to cave in. It started from his quiet dismissals. Lack of empathy when I relayed my exhaustions and his lack of interest. Regardless, I always waited until he came home before having my dinner because I couldn’t bear the thought of going to bed without him close. Late night video calls, crying because I missed him during his travels. I guess it still wasn’t enough. I can’t keep doing this!” Adrian whispers coldly. “Which part exactly? Leave for eternity and come home like things are okay? Or being so void of emotions that my discomfort means nothing to you.” I stare at him, hopeless as teardrops fall freely down my cheeks. My mind flashes through memories while I catch glimpses of Adrian rubbing his hands together, impatiently like he needed to be out of here with each passing second. My gaze returns slowly to my vibrating thighs, my hands doing it’s very best to keep them calm. “We can’t keep going on like this…” His words cut through the skin. Bridging the gap of our prolonged silence. “We’re clearly a mess. It’s obvious that we can never come to mutual standing.” “What do you want… a separation?” A swell of tears threatens to leave my eyes but I restrain them. “A divorce?” After what seemed like ages, his silence finally tells me what I needed to know. If anything, it drove the realization clearer. That I was slowing withering in this arrangement. -We both were. “We should probably demarcate the house for personal space.” I muttered after a long needed pause. Loud enough for him to hear. “I’ll leave right after the divorce is settled.” He reaffirms. Breaking my heart even more as I walked hurriedly out of the bedroom. Away from the air that he breathed. *** Have you tried all methods of reconciliation, counselling even?” The hearing officer questions with a glaring frown. “We have done everything we can.” Adrian voices before I get a chance to speak. All we wanted -He wanted was to get this over with and begin a new phase of our lives since this clearly wasn’t working. So I did my best to respond to any questions thrown my way to relieve us of the constant bickering. “We have tried within our capacity aside that …”Adrian goes on to speak. Until the woman turns towards me. “How’s that been on your part Miss? Do you think all methods been exhausted?.” She pries more. “Yes ma’am.” I respond after a brief silence. “You have both stated your reasons but I find it hard to settle on your stated reasons for a divorce. I suggest a 6 month counselling period before this matter is brought to my table again.” The divorce officer concludes after almost an hour of the proceedings. I stand at the corner office, watching Adrian speak with the lawyer as our glances intersect for the fifth time. He runs his hand through his hair, heaving a deep sigh. But beneath his aggravation, I could still appreciate his masculine physique. A tall frame with a chest that looks like it had been sculptured by a Greek artist. Despite his unruly hair and beautiful brown eyes he had always been good at maintaining composure. Except the veins protruding from his arms tell a different story. The endings of his tattoo threatens a peak from his loosely unbuttoned wrist. “See you soon gentlemen.” He shakes hands with them as they proceed out the room. *** The drive back home was rather quiet in contrast with our frequent escapades of conflict. I guess the air carried an unspoken truth we both knew. - It was over. “I’ll move my things to the guestroom”. He says while we drive into the lawn. “Whatever pleases you…” I mumble. Hands crossed again my chest while I look out the window. I bury my face between my palms and sigh loud enough that it catches Adrian’s attention. “What’s wrong?” A glimpse of worry intercepts his soft whisper while his hands stay fixated on the wheels. A subtle part of me had wished he asked this question earlier before we stepped into the court room. Perhaps things could have turned out differently. “Nothing…”I finally muster the courage to speak. His grin tightens along with his grip on the steering. “Cazzo!” he cursed in Italian underneath his breath whenever he was exasperated. The next thing I hear is the light sound of the door slam as he made his way to the house. I sat behind pondering for the next few minutes. How was I going to explain to my parents that I was a soon-divorcee? The daughter of The Demetri family and in-law to Regal Group? Oh no! Picturing the look on my mother’s face, gave away an unpleasant feeling settling in my stomach. We grew up in the city of New York but her strong Italian mixed descent made it harder to envision reality outside a strong family bond. Although I couldn’t say the same for my sister Kami; who leaved carefree like an untamed animal. Our marriage was more like a business peace treaty between both families but somewhere in between we found love on our engagement. “Love doesn’t sustain a marriage mi Carino, commitment does!.” My mother’s words echoes loudly in my mind. I brush off the thought and head towards our house. “We have some family engagements to attend to so for the mean time I suggest we uphold them until the 6 month period.” Adrian’s voice fills the room but his gaze stays fixated on our wedding portrait. “That is, until things have been settled.” He mumbles and head towards the kitchen then towards the guestroom. Anywhere farther from me. “I think so too.” I nod. And silently wonder if he always had it figured out. Eventually our families would find out but I wasn’t planning on telling them now. It was the middle of summer but the warmth in the house couldn’t erase the sheer coldness engulfed around my heart. I scramble between my belongings in the bedroom, as I try to recall a known feeling while the tip of my hand brushes against the shelf; A burning desire. I am drawn back by the gentle brush of my finger against a small wooden piece; A beautiful wish box Adrian had gotten me on our first anniversary. I was so impressed that he remembered my playful jokes of wishing wells and squeezing little inscribed letters in it. I remember his soft nervous smile when he handed it to me and how i drew his lips closer to mine for a deep kiss as a thank you. Then I pushed him against the shelf where he had placed the box, knelt down in front of him and thanked him some more. Back when touching each other held a desirable hunger. Now all that is left is a numbness of his distance. A reminder that it was never going to be like before. “I came to pick a few things...” Adrian’s voice intercepts my thoughts as he walks towards me so I turn. Holding unto my wish box. He moves closer to the shelf; closer to me and grabs a book at the top. “You’re in my way” he whispers while he stares back at me. Sending a cold sensation to places that had been dormant for a while. “What do you mean?” my heart pounds twice faster as his frame overshadows mine. He’s so close to me that his breath slides through my hair as he sighs. “Behind you…” the words slip smoothly over his lightly parted lips that it takes a moment for me to grasp. “Oh!” I gasp. Almost tripping in an attempt to move aside but his hands grip me firmly. I know it’s the end of the road for us but I cannot help but be drawn by my unexpected intensity towards him. “I’ll be down stairs if you need me... Whenever you need me.” He looks at me for a moment before letting go. A musty taste of regret lands on my lips as he pulls away. I suddenly miss the taste of him, the sound of his laughter like the days when we had late night movie dates. How his relaxed expressions gave away his beautiful features. I miss when he would be on top of me, draping my body with every ounce of pleasure. It’s strange how I can miss a person who is standing right in front of me. The version of whom he used to be. *** Cazzo!- Italian word “Damn it!”