I'm Not Perfect ❣

Final Chapter❣

"It’s so hard to forget pain, but it’s even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scar to show for happiness. We learn so little from peace."

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I’ve been once “the one who walked away”. My friends praise me for finally waking up to the truth and having the courage to walk away to something I wanted badly. And as a humorous person, I would brag my pride and egoism. But what they don’t know is that every night I have to cover my face with a pillow just to stiffle my sobs just so my mom won’t hear me even if we share the same bed. And every morning, I would have to tell myself that it’s different now. Yes I can laugh with their jokes and even smile beautifully on pictures, but when you look into my eyes, regret and pain will always hunt you.

And even though how much I tell myself that he’s a modern Lucifer, it doesn’t change the fact that it still hurts that he let me walked away.

I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they’re right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.

Dinala ni Xylie ang laptop sa garden at dun sya tumambay maghapon.. Ng makita nyang may pumasok na isang message sa kanyang email kaagad nyang ini open ito lalo na ng makitang galing yun kay Alexander. Tutok ang matang binasa nyang mensahe nito.

'When I was your man.

I wish I had done all the things you ask me of. I wish I didn’t let you go during those hard times. I wish I had loved you more because you deserve it. I wish I had taken care of you more. I wish I had been a good boyfriend to you. I wish I didn’t leave.

I left you when you needed me most. So I can’t really blame you for ignoring me now and for having a guy who knows your worth.

I regret everything I’ve done. Really. All the pain I put you through. I wish I hadn’t done all those. I know it’s too late to want you back. I know. But I just have to let you know. I love you. But I can’t have you now. I don’t deserve you.

I only wish that he won’t make you cry like I did. I hope he’d love you more than I had and that he’d take care of you because you are precious.

Again, I am sorry Honey.'

Nanlalabo ang kanyang mga mata dahil sa mga luhang pinipigil nyang pumatak. Kaso nakakasikip ng dibdib kapag di nya pinakawalan ang emosyong kinikimkim. Kaya ipinikit nya ng mariin ang kanyang mga mata kasabay nun ang pag agos ng masaganang luha na nag uunahon sa pagdaloy sa kanyang pisngi. Ilang minuto din syang emosyonal at ng unti unti syang kumalma, gumawa din sya ng sulat para kay Alexander.

'Last message to you, Honey.

On that day I knew you’re the one. You got me at one hello and your sweet smile. You promised me that we would share, A life together…a long happy one.

What happened? You taught me to open my heart,

To give love, to trust someone, To let down my walls and let my feelings flow. You taught me to take risks , Challenge my own life.

I know how you loved me, How much we loved each other, But can’t find an answer to the question, Why did you leave me? We made so many memories, Those are the memories I don’t want to fade. Day and night I’ve prayed its just a dream, Yet, every time I wake up, Got nothing from you. Since then you’re my north star, My light and guidance. I know sooner or later, I’ll love again….

But for now this heart of mine, beats only for you.

Seeing your smile used to be the highlight of my day. No doubt, your voice was once my favorite sound. I couldn’t ask for more than just holding your hand while walking, under the blue sky above, in the crowd. Being able to have you in my life, was really, the best thing that ever happened to me. But it wasn’t ever enough.

I tried things to work out; I let you plant flowers in me and I let them grow, but they started to wither since the day you lied to me. I let you touch me like a newly released book you’ve been waiting all week, but I ripped out from that day you’ve cheated on me. I let you see the abstract in me, but you slowly faded away, leaving the memories and promises we’ve made. I let myself believe every time you say “I love you.” though I know, it hasn’t meant a thing.

Nothing would make me even more happy than seeing happy, even if it is not me that would make you feel that way. Even if it is not me you’re wanting to wake up right next to you. Even if it is not me you’ll share a cup of coffee every morning. Even if it is not my hands you’re holding to every time you walk in the crowd. Even if it is not my lips that fits on yours. Even if it is not my name, you’ve been calling.

I want you to be happy, even if it would cause me too much pain. I wouldn’t stop loving you just because there’s somebody else who does. Let me still love you, though I am letting you go.

Thank you for everything. We may be the most fleeting of all these things in the world, thank you, for making me feel how being in love feels like drowning yourself in the ocean, it’s slowly killing you, but you actually know that you wouldn’t die. You just wait, until someone saves you and help you stay afloat.

I’ll be okay. Live well. I love you, always.

Last words but you’ll be forever in my heart.

I love you goodbye, Alexander.

Letting go..

It isn’t a one-time thing. It’s something you continuously do everyday. It isn’t just a random decision. Often times, it is your last choice. Your last option. Your last resort when all the efforts still go unappreciated, when bad things have been said and done, when everything’s just too much to take in and when you realize that you’ve been holding on to nothing.

This ain’t easy. It feels like you’ve gone back to the first day where you first met and talked and regret everything that had happened. You have to look back to each and every memory and accept that they won’t happen again. That with every flashback, such memory is being thrown into a box, locked, and the key thrown into the ocean where it can never be retrieved.

Some things aren’t really meant to be with you. Maybe it’s because you deserve someone better.

"Life is a food. A food full of ingredients that make our life sweet, bitter, salty, sour, and spicy. Full of taste, isn’t it? The ingredients of our life are our Parents, Friends, Haters, and many other people involved in our daily living. It really is a food. So, let us not spoil it, and make the most delicious food we’ve ever tasted."

-THE END -

?MahikaNiAyana