I Love My Husband But....

* I love my husband, we've been together for over nine years and we have two beautiful children. That's how most conversations with new people go. (Give or take a couple of years or children) My son is from an ex-boyfriend, but he was two when I met my husband. And after a short time of dating, he wanted my son to call him dad. I was a little reluctant at first because my son already had a dad. Even though, he really didn't like his real dad, when he was younger. (He was and still is a mama's boy, with no shame) I couldn't just force him to call him dad, because, even though he liked my husband, he still knew who his real dad was. I didn't want him to be confused with having one mom and two dads. (Even though there is nothing wrong with that) He was just two and I didn't know how he would react to it, but, I finally caved after he kept insisting. At first I tested it out to see if my son was feeling it. I had seen shows of people having great stepparents, that eventually ended up really adopting them. We wanted to do that too, but, it was just too much paper work, and we, needed permission from his real dad. That would have been even more difficult because he lived in a different state. Step parents is a touchy subject for me, because, the step dad that I had growing up was a jerk. I didn't feel like he deserved to be called my dad, so, I called him by his name. No matter how many times he wanted me to call him dad or threatened me. I was afraid of him and I was also always obedient, so I, don't know how I ever got the courage to be that stubborn. (I just decided that I wouldn't do it) I always told him that I forgot whenever he would confront me. (I guess that was my first badass moment and probably the only one for a long time) As I was saying. I have been married for over nine years, and my husband still doesn't know how to touch me. (Yeah I know, that escalated quickly) We barely have s*x and when we do, it's over, before I can really enjoy it. I don't know if it's always been like this and I'm just realizing it, or if, he is getting to that age. He seems to be okay with our routine. He still smiles and kisses me sometimes, but, I wonder if it's genuine, or if, he's going through the motions. I love him, but sexually I haven't been satisfied in years and when I was, it wasn't with him. I guess I was so in love and eager to make him happy, that I, didn't think much about our s*x life. We were mating like rabbits when we first moved in together anyways, and as, they say, 'bad s*x is better than no s*x'. (Except for when it's not) I was so caught up with being the perfect wife and mother. (I knew I had the mom thing down) But I, had never been married, so, I was eager to please my new boyfriend and eventual future husband. Even though, I had lived with my son's dad for years. It wasn't the same because we barely saw each other. We both worked, and even, when we worked at the same job, we still barely saw each other. I did have another sort of boyfriend a short time before I met my husband. I know, I should have waited a lot longer before getting into another relationship after my son's dad, but, I let my roommate and her boyfriend talk me into dating. "He wants to spoil you," They said. "He's got a good job," They said. I should have listened to my gut, because, I ended up with a psycho boyfriend that stalked me, after, I broke up with him. (Just to be clear he was not my husband, but a guy I dated just before him) My husband was a breath of fresh air, after being, physically and mentally abused by my sons dad, and then, dating a crazy man. I was happy I cut it off, before, I spent anymore time with him. I guess he was nice until I tried to leave him, and the, reason I broke up with him was because I really didn't want a boyfriend. I didn't want to string him along or waste his time or mine. He could have easily found someone that did want something more. (I thought that I was helping him out) We didn't press charges for the damages to our apartment. (Even though my roommate wanted to) I couldn't blame her for calling the police on him. He broke her glass kitchen table and put holes in our walls and a door, before he almost tore it off the hinges. It was her door, because I was in her room. I was afraid because I had been abused before, so I, was hoping it would hold up. (I guess my life was never as boring as it always seemed) Would you believe we barely dated two months? (And he wanted to have kids with me) I was not having his kids, because, I barely wanted him, which was why I broke up with him. I felt really bad for hurting him, because, we would have made awesome friends, but, he wanted more than I could give him. After him, I turned down every offer, until I met my husband. And I, only said yes to him, because, my son really liked and trusted him. (Well that and also, because, he was cute and shy just like I was) Another reason was because I felt that if my son liked him, he couldn't be too bad. (In case you wanted to know, my son was not there when my psycho ex went crazy over our break up) Thank goodness he was at my sisters house. (You never know what some people may have been through) I am a very private person and most of my family don't even know about my life. I've also had some normal looking people tell me some wacky life stories. (I hate it when people do that, but, I don't know what it is about me that people always want to tell me there dirty little secrets) Enough about the past. I don't know what's wrong with me in the present. I find myself looking at random men wondering what they would be like in bed. Would they be rough or gentle? Would they take their time and tease me or be quick and get to the point? Would they be able to last at least five minutes, or, would it be over before it started? What about the size of their package? Would they know how to use it? Was it long and skinny or short and thick? I personally never liked for them to be too long, but, I like a little thickness, but not too thick that they it would hurt me. (I know, I'm being picky, but I can dream, can't I?) Looks have never been important to me, but now, everyone seems kind of cute. Would it be possible to have a one nightstand with a stranger that I'd never see again? That should be enough to hold me for at least another ten years, shouldn't it? As I walk down the cereal isle I pass a tall stranger. "Hey, how are you,?" he asks from behind me. "I... I'm fine" I say in almost a whisper and I immediately panic. I was not supposed to say anything. (Actually, yes I was) It's fine to answer a handsome stranger? Great! Now I feel like I'm having hot flashes and I'm probably blushing. (I am all kinds of antisocial and awkward) (I'm not used to talking to strangers, or adult people in general and when I do it's usually awkward) I blow out a breath and continue to walk without looking at him. "Wait," he says as I slowly walk, wishing I could disappear or run away. "Yes" I say while turning around. "Do you know where the toothbrushes are?" he asks. I smile my awkward smile. (I smile when I'm embarrassed or nervous) "Yes, they are located in the middle of the store, possibly on Isle forty-one," "You know over with the razors and deodorant," "Somewhere over there" "Yeah, I know about where," He says with a smile. (Damn he's hot) His smile makes me want to take off my panties and give them to him in a little red box tied with a bow. I think to myself as my face gets hot. I wish I wouldn't have gotten such a good look. He will definitely been in my dreams tonight. (Sorry Michele Morrone and Idris Elba) (Okay fine, you guys can fight over me) "Thank you," he says ruing my moment of planning my fantasy dream. "You're welcome," I say with another awkward smile, then I turn to leave. I was going to abandon my cart and leave the store but my family has to eat. Well I can make the kids anything but my husband is a bit picky. I thankfully avoid him and any other men like I usually do.