Tank

2 - Bad dreams

Nova

Hands hold me down. Lips touch my naked skin.

It should feel good, right?

However, it doesn’t. The more they touch me, the more I die inside. So many mouths, so many hands, so many cock.s. Literally. Everywhere. Inside me, all around me.

‘You love this, don’t ya, bitc.h?’ Of all the men to have touched me, to have said vile things to me, he’s the one who makes me shiver. His words turn my stomach.

All my life I have been strong. I have fought for what’s right.

How did I let myself get into this situation?

How did I fall into this trap?

A trap where all of these men could do this to me?

I’m strong; I can fight with the best of them. However, even the strongest person will fail when surrounded by fifteen men.

How the hell was I supposed to fight off that many men?

I’m just one woman?

The vile motherfucke.r grabs my face. I cringe. ‘Look at me, w***e. Look at my face when I fuc.k you!’

I don’t want to look at him. I don’t want to give him the satisfaction of seeing the life die in my eyes, but I have no choice but to look at him.

I hold his gaze, unable to look away. I am strong. Stronger than he thinks I am, I will not let this beat me. I will not scream. I won’t give them the satisfaction of hearing me scream.

But all I can think is, why did you leave me alone, Mom?

“Mom...!” Fuckin.g shi.t! I spring upright in bed, sweat pouring from me, heart pounding, head throbbing.

It takes me a moment to come out of my nightmarish, sleepy state. I groan in frustration while scrubbing my hands over my face. I shouldn’t be having this damn dream again! I’ve pushed it out of my head as much as I can, but it has a way of sneaking up on me when I least expect it.

I growl at myself.

God, I’m a stupid bitc.h sometimes. I’m fuckin.g stronger than this shi.t!

Throwing back the covers, I climb out of bed and make my way to my closet. Pulling on my running gear, I watch myself in the mirror. I need to clear my head. It’s just after 6 a.m., and I have so much on my mind. I have a big decision to make and can’t put it off any longer. I’m not this woman; I don’t let anything get to me like this. I lost her somewhere along the way, but I won’t give up on her, she’s still inside me. It’s high time I pulled myself together.

iPod clipped to my running pants, rock music blasting in my ears; I make my way out for a run. Three hours later, I’m cooling down. Leaning my foot against the post at the bottom of my garden, my hands on my toes, my back bent as I stretch it out.

My fuckin.g head is spinning with everything I have to deal with right now. It’s taken me years, but I’ve finally found my father... Where he is, at least, where he’s been all this damn time. So close to me yet so far away. I want nothing more than to drive the four hours it will take me to get to him. I want to walk into his silly little clubhouse and shout, ‘I found you, Daddy!’

It’s taken me years to find out the truth, to get my so-called mother to talk, to tell me that my father isn’t dead like she told me he was when I was a little girl. After she ripped me away from him, away from my big brother, the boy I idolized. She destroyed my world when I was just seven years old. Dead. She told me. ‘They’re dead,’ she said. ‘Never coming back. Get over it.’

She’s not the woman she once was, just a shell living in a nursing home where she’ll stay until the end of her days, thanks to the mental torture I put her through. It’s incredible how quickly the weak-minded will break. But she finally gave up my father’s name, his age, the town he lives in, and his silly biker club name. I had a guy I know find out if what Celia, my mother, had told me was true. I can find out anything if I put my mind to it. Three days ago, he called me to tell me it was true. I had finally located my father.

But can I really jump on my motorcycle – yeah, I’m a woman who rides like a male biker, even though I hate those pricks with a vengeance. Guess it’s in my blood – and go find him?

I hate bikers, yet the man I have longed for since I was a child is the President of his own club?

I have to. I have to confront him. I need to know if what I remember about him is accurate, and I remember a lot. He loved me. That much I will never doubt. I remember how he would sit me on his lap each morning and tell me how he wouldn't be home late. I always thought he'd never come back. I was just a little girl who loved her daddy and never wanted him to leave her.

I remember how he would play with my brother and me any game we wanted to play. He would read to me, sing to me, sit me on his motorcycle, and let me pretend to ride. I remember how he would tuck me into bed at night and tell me a thousand times that he loved me.

The day I was ripped from him was the worst day of my life. I lost the father I loved, the brother I idolized, and I have never been the same.

Will my father know who I am the moment his eyes meet mine?

Did he believe I was dead the way I did him?

Will he hold me close and tell me how much he loves me?

Or is that a silly dream I should have let go of years ago?

For all I know, he’s a crazy son-of-a-bitc.h, a cold-blooded killer just like the last cun.t my mother married. But that’s another story.

My eyes catch the woman who lives across from me. She’s collecting her child from the car, the child with my eyes, the little girl I try so hard not to love. I turn away from the scene. I can’t bear it.

Why the hell do I torture myself like this?

“Mama!” My head shoots around. She’s looking at me, clapping her little hands in excitement. She’s calling me, her little hands out for me to take her from the woman who is now her mother.

Mandy, the woman I gave my child to, looks at me angrily. She had no idea that our arrangement meant I would whisper in that little girl’s ear every time I saw her that Mommy loved her. It was wrong and cruel of me, but that little girl will forget in time, I will not.

So, who have I hurt in the end?

I can’t do this anymore. I have to get out of here for a while. Mandy will understand that I’ll be back, our arrangement will still stand. If she wants it. But right now, I need to find my father.