Tank

10 - Fuc.k!

Nova

Shi.t, shi.t, shi.t, fuc.k!

How in the hell didn’t I put two and two together?

How could I not have known Hammer was part of The Snakes Henchmen?

Because I never asked, that’s why. Plus, he wasn’t wearing a patch of any kind.

When Hammer came to me for help, I gave it to him. His story was a sad one that tore at my heart. The love of his life had been murdered out of revenge, and he wanted some of his own.

He got that revenge, but I don’t for the life of me remember Ghost being with him when we met. Which is crazy when I remember every client I’ve ever met. Plus, it’s not like Ghost is the kind of man a person would easily forget. He’s enormous and has the palest brown eyes I’ve ever seen.

However, this past year and a half has been hell for me. When I helped Hammer, I was utterly fucke.d up, not as much as I was a couple of months later, but I should have paid more attention.

Fuc.k it all to hell and back!

What if Ghost goes to my father with this info?

How the hell will I lie to his face?

Because I’ll have to; there’s no way on this earth I can ever reveal my connection to The Exorcist. No one would ever understand. But I do what I do because it’s what keeps me sane. I’ve almost lost my sanity more than once over the years.

A woman can be the strongest person you know physically, but mentally, something in her mind could haunt her so bad sometimes that she fights those demons the only way she knows how.

I have demons in my mind that I fight every single day, even when I sleep. Fighting them isn’t always easy, the monster in my mind almost takes me some days. However, the wolf in my mind, the giant wolf the size of a horse, keeps me safe. I look for him when I’m afraid, because, believe it or not, even people like me can feel a little fear. Koda keeps me safe when I believe I need to feel safe.

I know he’s not real; I’m not completely insane. I know Koda is just a voice in my head I conjured up when I was alone. But it doesn’t hurt to speak to someone, and trust me, I had no one to talk to all those years ago. It’s a bit like a child having a teddy bear and talking to it when they’re afraid. Sadly, I never had those things, so the made-up wolf had to do.

I can take care of myself, I always have. I don’t need anyone to tell me I can’t do something because I can do anything I put my mind to. Anyone can.

However, Koda came to me when I was a little girl, afraid and missing my daddy. I thought Daddy was in heaven along with my brother. I thought I would always be alone. It wasn’t like Celia cared much about anyone but herself.

I often wondered why she took me with her. She never really wanted me. She didn’t tuck me in bed at night with a kiss on my head and an I love you. She never made me breakfast or dinner. I didn't fend for myself as such; there was usually someone we lived with who fed me. Celia may have told me now and again that she loved me, but I often wondered if she just said that to sate me for a while.

Koda came to me in a dream one night. I was afraid, at first, he was so big, but he looked at me with kind eyes, and I knew I was safe with him. I climbed up on his back, and he rode the wind with me holding on. I know now that Koda is a manifestation of the stuffed wolf my father gave me when I was a little girl. I didn't have him with me when Celia took off with me, and I missed him.

Koda told me that he would always protect me. That when I needed him the most, he’d be there for me, and he always has been. He brings out the monster in me when she needs to come out. He pulls her back when it’s time to sleep.

Maybe I am crazy still talking to an imaginary friend. But I’m not ready to let him go just yet.

I suffered from PTSD for a while when I was a kid. It was intense, sometimes took hold of me, and wouldn’t let go. I was lost in darkness, and Koda cared for me in that dark place.

It was Koda who pushed me back towards the light.

It was Koda who kept pushing for me to stay there.

Without him back then, I wouldn’t be here today.

He made me strong. He gave me purpose.

All of this probably sounds stupid; I know it would if I said it out loud to anyone around me. They’d probably have me locked up in the nut house. But that’s the truth of it all. Koda is my protector, and I’m not ready to let him go. I’m not sure I ever will be.

I lean back against the wall beside the clubhouse and close my eyes. This place has become like a new home for me these past few days I’ve been here. I know I shouldn’t get too comfortable, I know I shouldn’t have let my dad find me an apartment of my own – because I wouldn’t move in with him and his wife, I’m not a child – not when I’m not sticking around much longer. I can never linger too long in one place. However, it felt right at the time. I wanted to make this place my home, but it was stupid.

I scrub my hands over my face.

What the hell am I doing here?

Could this be any more fucke.d up?

“Nova, you wanna tell me what this is all about?”

“I’ve fucke.d up,” I mumble to myself.

“How?”

“I can’t tell you. I can’t tell anyone.”

I flinch as Tank touches my chin, tilting my head up with his fingers. I swallow hard because I like the feeling of his fingers touching my skin a little too much. “You can tell me anything.”

“I can’t.”

“Is what Ghost said true? Do you work for The Exorcist?”

I push Tank’s hand away from me. “I need to get out of here.” I try pushing past him, but he holds me captive with the weight of his big body.

Everything inside me is shaking like crazy. My puss.y is throbbing. I’m hardly breathing. From the first moment I saw Tank, I have dreamt about him touching me like this. Hell, I’ve dreamt about far more than just this.

He’s the reason I lie in bed at night shaking, aching, sliding my fingers into my panties, rubbing my cli.t, and fingering myself to orgas.m. But it doesn’t sate me; it just frustrates me because the one thing I want is something I can’t have. I’ve never wanted a man as much as I want him, and it’s driving me crazy.

I look into Tank’s brown eyes and bite my lip. He’s forbidden fruit; I can’t have him, but that only makes me want him more.

Isn’t it always the way?

The one thing a person can’t have makes them want it even more, and sometimes, that person will do anything to get it.

However, if I go after this man, it could mean bad things for him. Not for me, I’ll kill anyone who touches me, but for Tank, it could mean my father beating the shi.t out of him. He might throw him out of the club, or even kill him.

Okay, I won’t even think about that. My father wouldn’t kill him; he’d have me to answer to. Believe me, it won’t bother me that he’s my father; if he touched this man just because he’d touched me, then I’d make him sorry for it.

I remember Tank from when we were kids. I didn’t until Willow told me Tank’s Christian name.

How could I forget Haiden?

He was the boy I followed around and wanted to marry. The thought makes me laugh.

I’m not easily pushed around, believe me, and if I want something as much as I want this man, I will stop at nothing to make it mine.

I slide my hands up his chest and down to the planes of his tight stomach. My God, I can feel his eight-pack beneath his shirt.

Eight pack?!

What the fuc.k does he do to himself to get an eight-pack?

“What the hell are you doing to me?” He practically whispers.

My eyes seem to be locked on his mouth all of a sudden. That sinful mouth of his, those plush lips. I reach up and touch his face. He breathes deeply.

“Tank, kiss me.”

“I can’t. Your father would kill me.”

“He doesn’t have to know. I won’t tell him. Please,” I wrap my arms around his neck, one hand holding his nape, our foreheads touching. I just need to feel him. I need him to show me that I mean something more than what men in the past have led me to believe.

He rests his hands on my hips, and I can feel him desperately trying to contain himself. He wants me as much as I want him. If his deep breathing is anything to go by.

He suddenly pulls away from me, backing himself at least four steps back. “I can’t do this. I won’t go against the man I owe my life to. It’s not worth it.”

“I’m not worth it?” I don’t think I’ve ever been so offended. He has no fuckin.g clue how hard it was for me to let him even touch my face, let alone want him to kiss me. “Do you know what? Don't even answer that.” I smile slightly before walking away from him.

Men are all jerks.

Fuc.k him.

I don’t need him. I don’t need any man!

I storm back into the clubhouse, and back to the girls, I left when Ghost called me over. Tonya and Eileen stare at me as I slam myself down in my seat.

“What’s up?”

“Nothin’.” I grab the drink I left on the table when Ghost called me over and knock it back. I shouldn’t be drinking vodka at this hour, but I’m really fuckin.g pissed off right now!

I don’t give a damn about Ghost and what he said; he’s just a man who knows nothing. However, Tank has annoyed me. He wouldn’t even kiss me!

I’m not saying I’m the best-looking woman in the fuckin.g world, but I didn’t think he’d resist a kiss!

I could just scream!

“What did Ghost want with you?”

I shrug at Tonya. “To chat shi.t, as usual. I don’t see why he always feels the need to try and talk to me.”

“Probably wants in your panties.”

“Never going to happen, he’s not my type, he’s a pig.”

I watch Eileen nudge Tonya’s shoulder with her own, a smirk on her face before she looks at me. “What about Tank, is he a pig?”

I don’t answer her. What I think of Tank is none of her business. It’s no one’s business.

“We saw him follow you outside. Something happen?”

“Not that it’s anything to do with you two, but no, nothing happened.”

“But you wanted it to?”

Tonya has no idea how much I wanted something to happen out there; my body has never felt so hot before. We all know I’m no virgin and haven’t been for a very long time, but I have honestly never felt like this about any man before now.

Tank makes my body heat up to the point I literally have to fan myself to cool my cheeks. He makes my puss.y ache to the point I have to fuc.k myself to orgas.m, no matter where I am. Trust me; I’ve gone to the bathroom here and gotten myself off over that big man.

“Look, it doesn’t matter what I want. Tank is loyal to this club and Shepard. Nothing will ever happen between us, so just drop it.”

“Yes, ma’am.” Eileen chuckles.

I roll my eyes and smile. It’s nice to have friends. It makes a change for me; I don’t have any and never have. I’ve kept it that way all my life.

But I’m making an exception while I’m here.

However long that may be.